Spiraling downward again

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struggling with life
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/4/2009 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
I am new to this website - I found it by accident. I am not from America so I hope it is still ok to post. I just need to talk to anonymous people who won't judge me and who I won't feel embarrassed, ashamed or guilty for talking to about this.

I have had a really really bad day today. Actually I have had a bad few years. Everything keeps going wrong. Everyone always says,

"Well at least you have our health!"

But that makes me feel worse because I have reasonably good health but I don't deserve it. I spend most of my time wishing that I had not been born.
Please note this is not suicide talk (although I do think about it) I just wish I wasn't here - if that makes sense ... it does to me lol.

I have been depressed since I was a child. people always tend to dismiss this but some of my earliest memories were screaming tantrums about hating myself. I was always so angry and I still am. I was in junior school (about 8 years old) when I realised I was horrible and that noone in their right mind should like me. And just to make sure I really understood my peers kept telling me that throughout my school life. I know I was and still am an easy target. I am fat, ugly and unlikeable. I am also an adult in my 30's who still believes this.

This bullying and torment has effected my whole life. I hate myself and I am convinced I am a failure. I spend so much time worrying about failing and doing things wrong that I get in trouble for not doing things. (which happened today and what has set me off again. I almost feel like I am constantly sabotaging myself so that I am right - that I am a failure. But I can't stop this! I don't know how to.

I also have trouble trusting people and their motives for being my friend. I end up shutting people out if they get too close because then they will see the real me and know how pathetic I am. I spend alot of my time hiding from the world. This relates to a post I wrote on another topic about how I spent years addicted to MMORPG - I could pretend to be someone else. Although I didn't admit the whole truth about why I stopped playing. I made some really good frids on there (adults btw) and gradually they got to know the real me and I panicked and stopped playing.

I am a worrier, procrastinator and disorganized. Actually I am many more things and when I am really depressed I sit down and write a list of all the things I am. But when I was asked (as part of a work related training exercise) to write a list of positive things about me I couldn't come up with one. Altthough I did afterwards - feeling sorry for myself. I am good at that. And which just makes me feel even more useless and stupid.

Anyway my life is going wrong in many ways. Financially I am in dire straits. I am 32, single and never likely to find love. (I am too fat and uglky and unworthy). My work is suffering because I get stressed easily and and am just useless. A failure. which brings me back towishing I hadn't been born or wishing I could just vanish. Not kill myself - just disappear. Ironically I am too much of a coward to kill myself lol. I actually adopted 2 cats a couple of years ago to keep me going because I couldn't just abandon them. I do wonder if they would be better off without me. Then I figure that I must be better than a cage in an animal sanctuary.

I am sorry to go on for so long. I never meant to but I am tired, I haven't eaten today, I had a horrible day at work and I have my period lol. And although I am still crying I feel a bit better for typing this.

I can't seem to find a spelling check so I hope I haven't spelt too many words wrong. (I am always worrying about what other people think about me! lol)

struggling with life
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/4/2009 12:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Did I add that I am also boring -although you may have figured that out by now?

Oh i just found out how to edit my messages. I needn't have posted a 2nd msg - sorry.

P.s I have been on Venlafaxine a.k.a effexor for a few years now.

Post Edited (struggling with life) : 5/4/2009 1:52:24 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 5/4/2009 12:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Struggling with life,

First of all, welcome to the forum. You have come to a good place, and you are right, nobody here will judge you. Everybody is so kind and compassionate. We all have been where you are and we understand.

Are you going to any counseling? I really think that it would be a good idea. You could use some support right now and some direction. I think that it would really help.

You have a very negative view of yourself. And it can't be true. You are a good person, you are not ugly. Are you working on your weight issue. Evidently you would like to lose some weight. Try walking. That is what I am doing. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables. This not only helps you to lose weight, it helps you to feel better. Drink a lot of water. That helps too. Start out slow. And work up to your potential. Yes you do have potential. You can be anything you would like to. It just takes dedication and determination. So don't give up.

I hope that you keep posting. Know that we are here for you. Start thinking positive. You can do this. And it makes you feel better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


struggling with life
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/4/2009 1:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen :-)

I did try counselling but I am in a financial mess at the moment so that is not an option. I also moved to a different country a few months ago and I don't speak the language yet. So can't try to get free counselling here.

struggling with life
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/4/2009 2:14 PM (GMT -7)   
It's gone 11pm which means I have to go to bed. But going to bed means the morning will come sooner. I don't want to go to work 2moro. I want to hide from the world!

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/4/2009 3:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Struggling,

I’m so glad you posted your story with us. You’re right….this is a place where people won’t judge you, and you don’t have to feel embarrassed, ashamed or guilty for talking to us.

I do understand why you feel that you don’t deserve good things in life……I have been in that state before, where I feel so unworthy of even existing. I would venture a guess that a lot of people who suffer from depression go through those feelings. The truth is this: You are worthy of love, and all of life’s blessings, just by virtue of the fact that you are here.

I believe, with all of my heart, that we are all here for a reason. There are no accidents with this…..no mistakes…..and no one is born without a purpose. There are those whose purpose becomes clear early in life, and those who have to do some searching before they realize it, but I strongly believe that our purpose is something we’re born with. Some people have fame and glory, and some are meek and mild and live a quiet life, but everyone has an effect on the world in some way. Sometimes we are not aware of the smallest words or actions that can change a life for the better. I suspect that we often don’t see the results of situations where we have a positive effect, but that doesn’t change the fact that the effect exists.

I’m saddened by your words of self-loathing, and I want to encourage you to start turning this around, even if it’s by “baby steps”. When we speak badly about ourselves, it has a very negative effect on our psyche. The more we do it, the worse we feel about ourselves, and the cycle continues on and on. A very important person in my life told me once that every day, I should look at myself in the mirror and say, “I love you”, as many times as I could bring myself to do it. I thought she was crazy back then…..and I laughed, and told her there was no way I could do that and believe it. She told me that even if I didn’t believe it at first, I should do it every day, as often as I could, and she assured me that I would feel the effects one day. I reluctantly tried it, and felt ridiculous doing it at first, but (to my great surprise) it actually had a very positive effect on me over the course of time. Some days I would look into my own eyes, say it, and cry……and wonder why I had been so cruel to myself for so many years. I hope you will be able to do this for yourself, looking yourself right in the eyes while you do it…….because you deserve love, Struggling, especially from yourself.

I hope you will continue to post here, and to feel comfortable and welcome. Try to get as much rest as you can, and know that we really care.
Living one day at a time. 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/5/2009 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello and welcome to HealingWell. We have members from all over the world so you have come to the right place.  :-)
 
Thank you for sharing your story and IMHO what I see is a very sad person that is trapped in the depression cycle.  Now is the time for you to break free and start to work on healing.  We are here to help you.
 
It feels to me like a good place for you to start is to work on that self esteem of yours.........let us help you start to feel better about yourself.

“Low self-esteem is often characterized by an "inner critic," which is a part of you that constantly berates your efforts and belittles your achievements. Sometimes an inner critic takes on the voice of a victim ("no one will give me a chance") or a perfectionist ("I should be doing better than this"), but the end result is an ongoing drag on your self-esteem. You can counter negative self-talk by first recognizing it for what it is and then responding to it with positive counterstatements.

Look for instances where your inner critic generalizes unduly, is unremittingly harsh or makes statements that don't hold up to logic. Then write down a series of positive counterstatements that redress those criticisms. They should always involve upbeat phrases and avoid negative words like "not," "no" or "can't." Keep them in the present tense and always use first-person statements (using "I" instead of your name). Draw up a list of them and practice saying them readily. When your inner critic starts to berate you, respond with the appropriate counterstatement every time. Eventually, your counterstatements will arise naturally in your mind whenever your inner critic gets going, keeping the negativity in check.”

Here is a sample from your post.........you wrote "But that makes me feel worse because I have reasonably good health but I don't deserve it."

Turn that statement around and keep doing that everytime you realize you are putting yourself down.

Try  "I feel good because I have good health and I deserve to have good health. "

I am going to post here the link to the Mood GYM.  This is an online free CBT program and I would like you to give it a try. 

 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to
feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

Again a warm welcome to HealingWell and do stick with us.

Kitt



 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
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Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 5/5/2009 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
struggling with life, welcome to heallinghwell you have found the right place to meet kind and thoughtfull people, many of them have went through the same issues as you including me.

I also feel the need to disapear, but since the only way to really do that is die, I can't force it as that's GOD's responsibilaty and I must await my time here on earth, while waiting I decied that since I'm here on earth anyway I should try and make use of my stay and improve my life to the best that I can, look for things that are fullfilling to do , and enjoy my life and find a way to show GOD I am gratefull for giving me so many good things in my life.

So I guess you , like me don't really have a choice you are here like the rest of us , and can't disapear, so why not make the best of your time here on earth and fight this?

My first suggestion to you would be to try aerobics if you can, it will help you loose the extra wieght and also improve your self-steam and look on life. I'v tried it before and it worked for me, but since I moved I can't find another suitable aerobics class to go to , as in my country they mostly have classes for women only, and the few ones which let me in, are too expensive for me at the moment. even if you don't like the idea of aerobics give it a shot, subscribe for a week or a month and see if you like it , you may get surprised of how much you could enjoy it.

Karen offered a great suggestion too, on your diet. eating healty things like sallads, fruits and vegetables instead of fried things or a lot of meat can help you a lot, I know some people who decided to skip dinner and just focus on breakfast or lunch. maybe you could do a combination of excersize and healthy eating to beat this.

And I must say that looks aren't everything, you could still find a person that loves you, not for your looks but for your personality, but before you could do that you need to start self-healing like karen and rania suggested, you need to find a way to love and accept yourself. you need to stop viewing yourself badly, instead try to remember the good things you have done and the good things in you, focus on them and even improve them.

And about your addiction to MMORPGs, it's a good decision to stop doing that and live in the real life. hiding from the problem won't solve it and won't make things eazier on the long-run. sure it might sound fun to go back and forget your troubles, but your troubles won't go away this way they may even increase since your ignoring reallife, and you may endup having to work twice as much to recover.

Lastly please keep us posted on how you are doing and feeling, and know that we care about you


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 5/5/2009 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Struggling,

I hope to hear from you again soon. Know that we are thinking about you. And are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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