My wife started having depression simptoms early this year when she stopped smoking. But nothing major developed until now. Its been one month and a half and things are hell. But let me start from the begining.
We've been together for 2 years and a half, we got married last setember, and on the same week we moved to a new house (that we bought together). We were trying to have kids and she started developing an allergy to our 2 dogs and because of that, we had to find them a new home. That was around the same time things start getting worse.
One day she got home and she told me that we email to much and text too much. That we need to cut it more. So the contact started reduce right there. Then she told me that she didnt knew if she was in love with me anymore but that she wouldnt leave and wanted to fix things. That she didnt feel anything, she was empty. Then the next day she was question all herself, she said she didnt knew who she was anymore. That she was a mess. The following week, she wanted me to go away because she wanted to be alone for a few days, In the end I didnt but I promised that I was giving her some space. I even started sleeping in the couch. She then told me that she wanted me to go back to her bed so I did. A couple days later, she told me that she wanted me to go a couple of days to my mother because she didnt knew if this relationship was worth it, that she didnt knew if she wanted me or not. I went for a week and we contact each other a couple of times and she told me that she missed me and she wanted me and loved me, but somethings had to change in her relationship. Ive been back for 2 weeks now and I am back on the couch. When I ask her what she wants and if wants this relationship she asks me not to ask this questions because she doesnt have an answer. We are now talking a bit more, but she is mostly behind her laptop, doing nothing. A few times we do something together but most of the times I am alone.
She told me the other day that she was abused by a member of her family when she was a child. She says that things from her past are haunting her like her rapings (3) when she was a teenager. She stop taking with her mother because her mother betrayed her. When her mother divorced her father, she got involved with an very older man, and that man tried to kiss my wife. She told her mother but she didnt believe her, even when she showed her a fax that the old man sent her to appologize. She ripped it a part and didnt believe her. They didnt talk for over a year. Then they start talking again. A few weeks ago she went to tell her mother that this still bothered her, her mother treated her badly and they didnt spoke since. My wife has threw away all the pictures of her mother from the house and presents that her mother gave her. Her mother didnt tried to reach her since.
Her father kicked her out of the house when she was 17 because she didnt get a long with her stepmother. She got into drugs and lots of sexual activity and her life wasnt easy.
She complaines that her parents never gave her the support she needed, not a hug or the love she needed. When she told them she had been rapped, they didnt even gave her a hug. She was only 13.
This weekend she told her father about the member of her family that abused her (her grandfather - for her mother side), again he didnt even gave her a hug. He was shoked but that is it.
My wifes brother, blames her and criticizes her for whats going on with her mother and doesnt even tries to ask her how's she doing.
She has at the moment an older woman, that she says wishes was her real mother, to help her and talk to her. Her father told her that he didnt want her to talk to this woman anymore because they all know each other and people might start looking funny to them. She told her father that she wishes they would talk more, her father didnt replied. She told her father she loved him, her father didnt replied.
As for me, the mistakes I did with her was asking her not to go out sometimes, that lead to arguments. I am a very insecure person (due to my past) and I am trying to change this things. I am going to see a specialist and I am fixing my issues. I take the blame of my part in her depression and admit it and am trying to change this things.
She says her mind is a mess and that I shouldnt push about our relationship issues. I am trying but its hard. I am afraid that she is going to give up before I have the time to fix things. I love her very much and I dont want to lose her. Sometimes she is so cold and distant, sometimes she gives me hugs and "dry" kisses. But most of the intemacy is gone. She says she cant even think about sex, that most of the times we had sex, she didnt wanted to have or that the images of her rapings came to her mind. (the time she told me that was when she said she didnt knew if she wanted to be in the relationship anymore).
A week and half ago she said she was going crazy, that she couldnt take anymore. She booked a specialist and tomorrow she is going to ask for medication.
I know that she loves me, but sometimes she makes me so confused. I know that this is not about me, its about her and her issues, I am just afraid that this depression kills our relationship and that she doesnt even give me a chance of fixing it. I am trying hard and its so difficult sometimes. I am thinking about this situation 24/7 and I feel so lonely and angry and messed up.
She is open more and more to me, but I feel so angry when she spends the all day emailing that older woman and doesnt try to reach me. I know that she needs a mother feeling and that is why she does it, because that woman is there for her as a mother and gives that warmth that her own mother never did. But sometimes it hurts.
Today we watched a movie together. Its been more than a week we did that. Last friday was good, we talked, shared. Some days are doable, but others are so messed up. Specially when I see that she is pushing me away.
Also with work, its really pushing her. Last week she worked one day, from 8 in the morning to midnight, she gets very stressed and mad at work because her colleagues mess everything up and she has to clean it. She doesnt sleep well. sometimes she wakes up at 3 am and just starts writting.
I guess I should feel happy because she still talks to me and do things with me, and I know that there are more extreme cases. I am just afraid of losing my wife.
Today I was down and I told her that I was afraid of losing her, that in the end she would leave me. And she start shaking and told me that I had already told her that and that I should leave it for now. She went to take a shower and I went upstairs and I could see she had been crying and I apologize and said that I was out of line and I shouldnt had said that coz this things dont help.Then she went out and text me saying that I have to understand that she doesnt have answers for me and she doesnt want anymore questions.
She says she needs to fix herself up before she can even think about us as a couple...
There are so many things I dont get, like why does she shuts me out, why do I have to sleep in the couch, why is she cold to me sometimes or says things that are hurtfull?
I miss my wife so much. I need some advice, some support. Can anyone please reply to this post.
Post Edited (Zeldasq) : 5/10/2009 2:16:02 PM (GMT-6)