Wife With Depression... Advice Needed

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Zeldasq
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/10/2009 1:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi.
 
My wife started having depression simptoms early this year when she stopped smoking. But nothing major developed until now. Its been one month and a half and things are hell. But let me start from the begining.
We've been together for 2 years and a half, we got married last setember, and on the same week we moved to a new house (that we bought together). We were trying to have kids and she started developing an allergy to our 2 dogs and because of that, we had to find them a new home. That was around the same time things start getting worse.
One day she got home and she told me that we email to much and text too much. That we need to cut it more. So the contact started reduce right there. Then she told me that she didnt knew if she was in love with me anymore but that she wouldnt leave and wanted to fix things. That she didnt feel anything, she was empty. Then the next day she was question all herself, she said she didnt knew who she was anymore. That she was a mess. The following week, she wanted me to go away because she wanted to be alone for a few days, In the end I didnt but I promised that I was giving her some space. I even started sleeping in the couch. She then told me that she wanted me to go back to her bed so I did. A couple days later, she told me that she wanted me to go a couple of days to my mother because she didnt knew if this relationship was worth it, that she didnt knew if she wanted me or not. I went for a week and we contact each other a couple of times and she told me that she missed me and she wanted me and loved me, but somethings had to change in her relationship. Ive been back for 2 weeks now and I am back on the couch. When I ask her what she wants and if wants this relationship she asks me not to ask this questions because she doesnt have an answer. We are now talking a bit more, but she is mostly behind her laptop, doing nothing. A few times we do something together but most of the times I am alone.
She told me the other day that she was abused by a member of her family when she was a child. She says that things from her past are haunting her like her rapings (3) when she was a teenager. She stop taking with her mother because her mother betrayed her. When her mother divorced her father, she got involved with an very older man, and that man tried to kiss my wife. She told her mother but she didnt believe her, even when she showed her a fax that the old man sent her to appologize. She ripped it a part and didnt believe her. They didnt talk for over a year. Then they start talking again. A few weeks ago she went to tell her mother that this still bothered her, her mother treated her badly and they didnt spoke since. My wife has threw away all the pictures of her mother from the house and presents that her mother gave her. Her mother didnt tried to reach her since.
Her father kicked her out of the house when she was 17 because she didnt get a long with her stepmother. She got into drugs and lots of sexual activity and her life wasnt easy.
She complaines that her parents never gave her the support she needed, not a hug or the love she needed. When she told them she had been rapped, they didnt even gave her a hug. She was only 13.
This weekend she told her father about the member of her family that abused her (her grandfather - for her mother side), again he didnt even gave her a hug. He was shoked but that is it.
My wifes brother, blames her and criticizes her for whats going on with her mother and doesnt even tries to ask her how's she doing.
She has at the moment an older woman, that she says wishes was her real mother, to help her and talk to her. Her father told her that he didnt want her to talk to this woman anymore because they all know each other and people might start looking funny to them. She told her father that she wishes they would talk more, her father didnt replied. She told her father she loved him, her father didnt replied.
As for me, the mistakes I did with her was asking her not to go out sometimes, that lead to arguments. I am a very insecure person (due to my past) and I am trying to change this things. I am going to see a specialist and I am fixing my issues. I take the blame of my part in her depression and admit it and am trying to change this things.
She says her mind is a mess and that I shouldnt push about our relationship issues. I am trying but its hard. I am afraid that she is going to give up before I have the time to fix things. I love her very much and I dont want to lose her. Sometimes she is so cold and distant, sometimes she gives me hugs and "dry" kisses. But most of the intemacy is gone. She says she cant even think about sex, that most of the times we had sex, she didnt wanted to have or that the images of her rapings came to her mind. (the time she told me that was when she said she didnt knew if she wanted to be in the relationship anymore).
A week and half ago she said she was going crazy, that she couldnt take anymore. She booked a specialist and tomorrow she is going to ask for medication.
I know that she loves me, but sometimes she makes me so confused. I know that this is not about me, its about her and her issues, I am just afraid that this depression kills our relationship and that she doesnt even give me a chance of fixing it. I am trying hard and its so difficult sometimes. I am thinking about this situation 24/7 and I feel so lonely and angry and messed up.
She is open more and more to me, but I feel so angry when she spends the all day emailing that older woman and doesnt try to reach me. I know that she needs a mother feeling and that is why she does it, because that woman is there for her as a mother and gives that warmth that her own mother never did. But sometimes it hurts.
Today we watched a movie together. Its been more than a week we did that. Last friday was good, we talked, shared. Some days are doable, but others are so messed up. Specially when I see that she is pushing me away.
Also with work, its really pushing her. Last week she worked one day, from 8 in the morning to midnight, she gets very stressed and mad at work because her colleagues mess everything up and she has to clean it. She doesnt sleep well. sometimes she wakes up at 3 am and just starts writting.
I guess I should feel happy because she still talks to me and do things with me, and I know that there are more extreme cases. I am just afraid of losing my wife.
Today I was down and I told her that I was afraid of losing her, that in the end she would leave me. And she start shaking and told me that I had already told her that and that I should leave it for now. She went to take a shower and I went upstairs and I could see she had been crying and I apologize and said that I was out of line and I shouldnt had said that coz this things dont help.Then she went out and text me saying that I have to understand that she doesnt have answers for me and she doesnt want anymore questions.
She says she needs to fix herself up before she can even think about us as a couple...
There are so many things I dont get, like why does she shuts me out, why do I have to sleep in the couch, why is she cold to me sometimes or says things that are hurtfull?
I miss my wife so much. I need some advice, some support. Can anyone please reply to this post.
 

Post Edited (Zeldasq) : 5/10/2009 2:16:02 PM (GMT-6)


amymb
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/10/2009 2:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Zeldasq:
As the spouse of someone who is dealing with a major depressive disorder, it definitely sounds like your wife is dealing with depression, possibly lifelong. It is imperative that she see the doctor, and if she is not on an antidepressant already, she probably needs to be. Not sleeping well will only worsen the problem and antidepressants can definitely help with that. Don't blame yourself or think that you had a hand in her condition or that you need to "fix" this. You can't. Depression is an illness, just like heart disease is an illness. It can be treated, but she is going to have to be willing to go for treatment. All you can do is love her and be supportive of her in her decision to get treatment. She most likely not only needs medication treatment but also counseling to help deal with her past issues. I encourage you to educate yourself on depression, its causes and treatments, and the best ways you can be a help to her. In my case, because my spouse is a man and I am a woman, I have learned I have to back off. I can't push him to talk to me or be intimate with me. Unfortunately, he is going to have to work through some of these issues all on his own, with the help of medication and a therapist of course. Medication can be a real Godsend and be very helpful in improving her symptoms. Make sure she has a good, supportive doctor who has some knowledge about psychological issues. If your spouse is depressed, you could be the best husband in the world and it still would not help. Don't beat yourself up. What she is going through is not your fault. Don't neglect yourself in trying to take care of her, or you could end up depressed as well. Make sure you eat right, exercise and see friends. If you have hobbies, don't stop doing them. Living with a depressed person can be very, very trying, so take care of yourself so that you have the strength and the patience to be there for her.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/11/2009 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zeldasq,

I’m really sorry for the pain that both you and your wife are experiencing. I noticed late last night that you had posted a wonderful poem about your wife, and I wish it was still here, because I wanted to read it again. Perhaps you deleted it, and of course that is your choice. I just wanted you to know that I found it incredibly moving.

I want to welcome you, and welcome Amymb, as well, and I have to say that I agree with Amy’s advice to you. I’m glad your wife is seeing a doctor, and I hope the appointment today is successful. It’s true that not sleeping well makes everything so much worse. I find in my own situation it can make a huge difference. It’s also true that your wife needs to find her way through this and do the necessary work in order to heal. What you can do is support her and be there to listen whenever she needs, and that is something you’re already doing. I know it’s so hard, when all you want to do is make her happy and get your relationship back on track. You certainly have my compassion.

Your wife has certainly been through a lot in her life, and she has not had the experience of being loved and supported by family members, especially during the most important and traumatic times in her life. That experience of lack hurts a person deeply, and it takes time and work to move beyond that hurt. I hope your wife will be getting some therapy. I have found it immensely helpful in my own situation, and I do have some things in common with your wife as far as my personal history goes. I’ve been fortunate to have an excellent therapist, whom I see on a regular basis.

Amy is also right about taking good care of yourself. As she said, it is very difficult and exhausting to live with a person with depression, and you need to make sure that you do not become depressed as well. Get as much support as you can, Zeldasq, and please keep coming to post so that we can support you here.

I wish you the very best, and hope the doctor’s appointment will give you some hope. Please let us know how things go.
 
"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves."  ~ Mahatma Gandhi


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/11/2009 7:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Amy,

As I said in my post to Zeldasq, I want to welcome you both to our group. I'm saddened to know that your husband is suffering from depression, and I do understand that this is very painful for you, too. I thought your comments and advice were both comforting and realistic. I want to offer you my support, as well, and I hope you will also continue to post with us.
 
"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves."  ~ Mahatma Gandhi


Zeldasq
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/11/2009 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your support. She is going now to a better doctor and she is going on med's. She already has the prescription from today. I am here for my wife and I believe that things will get back on track. I know we love each other and I am gonna be here for her as long as it takes.
 
Edit:
I am sorry for the edit but due to the excessive length of your poem I deleted it from the forum.  Members could email you if you want to send them the poem.  This length of poetry  can quickly deplete our database space if you are posting a lot. I thank you in advance for your understanding.

Peace,
Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 5/11/2009 4:22:49 PM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/11/2009 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to HealingWell and I see you have met several of our wonderful members.  They have given you excellent input and I hope you keep talking to us.  We do care for all of our special  members and now you are one of us.
I wish you peace,
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/11/2009 4:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zeldasq,

I'm glad you posted again. I enjoyed the second reading of your poem, and didn't realize it was too long for this forum. Thank you for posting it anyways! I'm very glad to know that your wife has medication now, and that she has a better doctor. You sound very dedicated and motivated to get through this with her, and I applaud you for that. I think your love and commitment to her are inspirational, and I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted.
 
 
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/11/2009 4:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kitt,

I know this is off-topic, but I wondered if it would make more sense for the administration to delete the very old posts (like the ones from 2004/2005), instead of you guys having to delete new posts that are perhaps longer-than-average. I would think that most people would rather read new posts than old ones, and those four-and-five year-old posts must be taking up an awful lot of space on that database. Just wondering, is all! :-)
 
 
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


nixie
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 5/11/2009 8:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Zeldasq,

Thank you for posting about what you have been going through. I can see many of my actions and responses similar to your wife. My husband and I have been married for one and a half years. I am grateful for your post because I can read about a situation like mine and really see how I am treating my husband and the effects it has on him. Even as I shut him (and everyone) out I feel that I am an awful person because he is so loving and supportive. He really takes care of me and has never done anything to hurt me. Still, I come home angry. I cry every night and don't talk to him because I don't have answers. I don't know. I am going to therapy and this has helped if nothing more than getting me back on track. He is very patient with me and I don't know what I did to deserve someone like him. It's very hard being depressed and being married. I worry about my relationship sometimes more than myself. I think it's great that your wife has started medication and therapy. It's a step in the right direction. And I commend you for who you are and how you feel. Your wife will need your understanding, support and steady reassurance. One thing though, don't cut yourself off from your friends. I was dragging my husband down with me and it wasn't good.
I look forward to reading more posts from you.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/12/2009 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Raniah,

I will email you re your question.  Thank you

Kitt


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/12/2009 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zeldasq,
 
Hello and I am so glad to read your wife is doing better.  She is very lucky to have you and your devotion to her is admirable. 
I know she must be a pretty wonderful lady who is going through a tough time and it is good to see how you both must care for each other.
 
Your information is helpful to others in your same position so please keep talking with us.

May all your hopes and dreams come true and your future be filled with happiness.
Kitt

 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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