*HOPE* for mythoughts

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getting by
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   Posted 5/11/2009 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,
 
I noticed that your thread was locked, I guess we ran out of room, so I started you another one with hopes that you will continue to post here.  We really do love reading about your progression with battling your depression and all of the other interesting things that are going on in your life.  So like I said, I hope that you will continue to post. 
 
I named your thead *HOPE* because Raniah suggested it and I think that you have really accomplished a lot since you started your first thread.  You really have come a long way since then.  I know that you mentioned that you didn't feel that things are that much better, but by reading what you write, it is clear that there have been some positive changes occuring. 
 
And as I catch myself saying a lot "keep up the good work".  You have really been putting your all into your healing journey, I am happy for that.  And happy for how far you have come.
 
Please do continue to post.
 
Hugs, Karen 


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 5/11/2009 1:43:50 PM (GMT-6)


Raniah
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   Posted 5/11/2009 12:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Karen, excellent idea starting this new thread! The credit goes to Mythoughts for the name, though, as he suggested it long before me. :-) Thanks for getting us started again!

Mythoughts: I hope your day has been a good one. Karen is right.....you really have accomplished a great deal, and I am happy for you, too.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/11/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Mythoughts,

 
I am glad to see you are continuing your thread and I like your new title, it smacks of optimism.  Way cool.  smurf
 
Kitt

mythoughts
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 5/11/2009 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, everyone. No matter how lousy I feel, and tonight it is extra lousy (with a side order of blech and thoughts of death) these posts perk me up. Thank you for the new thread, Karen, and using Hope as its title. I forget any questions from the last posts on No Hope, and to check that thread means closing this post, because I'm using my phone, not my notebook or desktop with multiple windows. So please just ask again.

Still, I'm feeling more unable to continue at work with my treatment. I may start taking more time off, but I'll feel like such a failure.

Must try to sleep now. Night everyone.

Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
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   Posted 5/11/2009 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

I really admire the way you can use humour even when you are feeling lousy (or extra lousy in this case). Please don't feel like a failure for taking time for your health. It's really important. The school year should be over in a month/month and a half, too, so there will hopefully be more time and more flexibility in your schedule after that. Hang in there, and remember that we care about you.
 
 
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


Akram
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   Posted 5/12/2009 5:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone, karen thank you good idea to make this new thread!

Mythoughts, sorry to hear that the bad thoughts are crawling back again. I guess the fight continues. maybe you should take some time off work so you can deal with your situation, but don't think your a failure because of that as rania said, not everyone goes through what your going through remember that, you are just having bad times now and it shall end at some point hoppefully, then you can get back to work.

I wish everyone a nice day!
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/12/2009 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Mythoughts,

I am sorry you cannot access your old thread at the same time you are posting in part 2 here.

For clarification, Ranish posted to you on 5/11

"Oh...I forgot to ask you something. It's been mentioned to me that once this thread reaches two hundred posts, we will need to start a new one. I think you mentioned a while ago that you were thinking of re-naming this thread "Hope" (as opposed to "No Hope"), and I wonder if you would feel comfortable starting a new thread for yourself with that name, or another name of your choice. It's your thread, and your decision, but I thought I'd give you the 'heads up' on the 200 post limit, anyhow. Have a wonderful day!"
___________________________________________

I did post a link in your old thread to direct members here so they could continue talking with you, but I did not request a lock down on your old thread and I am not sure who did.  We normally lock threads when they get up into the 100 range and start a Part 2 but as yours was just for you I felt it could ride as it seemed to be so helpful for you. I would have requested a lock down when it hit 200 as Raniah mentioned above.
 
I am sorry to hear you are feeling hopeless so let us try to get you out of hopeless and into feeling some hope again.
 
You have my prayers and I would truly like to hear that you will continue to work on your therapy. 
 
I wish you peace,
Kitt 
 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
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   Posted 5/12/2009 7:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

I hope today was a bit easier for you. I know you're struggling, and you've been in my thoughts. I've been meaning to ask you, do you have anything that you do in your spare time to relax or have fun? I know you spend a lot of time at school, and doing the yard work and bunny care, and of course child care, too, at home. I just wondered if you had something that was 'just for you'.
 
 
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 5/12/2009 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I can't sleep, so I guess I'll post!

Hi, all. Hope your day was great. Mine, well, some good stuff.
Thoughts of death swirl in my head, especially when I'm tired and sad. Now the feeling of being damaged, dangerous to anyone to close to me. Abnormal. On the fringe, always looking in from a distance.

Raniah, thank you for your good wishes and affirming compliments. It's not the day that is good for or tough on me. It is me that does it to me. To answer your question about what I do for me, I enjoyed exercising (cardio, or fast walking, on treadmill, then weights for muscle tone, while watching a rented movie in my basement exercise room). But one treadmill roller cracked right before I did in March, and the replacement is on back order. Too tired to go outside.

Kitt, thank you for your positive support. It means a lot. Keeping the thread active so long was wonderful. I felt important. That helped.

Akram, you have good points about feeling that bad times will pass.

DBT today: Mindfulness (Non judgemental skills to let go); Distress Tolerance (make a specific list of what works, with a written plan for several specific stressful times); and Interpresonal Relationships (make a list of what I want/ prioritise in conflict resolution).

Lots of homework. Must sleep. Bye. Thinking of all of you.
Going full time off next week, until DBT is done (first week June).

THE HAPPY TURTLE
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18747
   Posted 5/13/2009 3:45 AM (GMT -7)   
i send u my luv hope. jamie.

Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/13/2009 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

I’m sorry you’re still having trouble sleeping. That can’t help but exacerbate the difficulties you’re having, and you certainly have my compassion. I am consistently amazed at how very different my perception of myself can be when I am sleep-deprived and run down, and I am supposing it may be the same for you. Have you spoken to the doc/clinician/group about this? It’s a really important issue, and I hope you will be provided with some help for this.

I also hope you will be able to get back to the exercising soon. That’s another thing that affects my mood, so perhaps I’m projecting here. However, I do believe, for a lot of people, exercise can have significant benefits when it comes to improving mood and overall feelings of wellness. Not being able to do this, especially when you enjoy it, must be frustrating.

I know you said you are too tired to go outside, but I wonder if you could go for a walk around the block once a day, perhaps first thing in the morning, or at lunch time. I have started going for 15-20 mins every morning when I get up, while the coffee is brewing, and it makes me feel really good. I also do the same in the evenings, but for a longer spell, and listening to the birds and being around all the activity in nature really comforts me. It’s quietly inspiring to see so many little creatures going busily about their course of living, doing what needs to be done, and just being what they are supposed to be. I guess they’re better at living in the moment than the rest of us, and that gives me pause for thought.

I’m glad you’re taking a break until the DBT is done. I hope this time of learning and practice will lift you up and give you hope. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for keeping us posted.
 
 
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


mythoughts
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 5/16/2009 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Jamie.

Hi, Raniah. How are you? I have explained about the sleep problem to my clinician, MSW and psychiatrist. The doc offered a sedative, though mentioning that it was potentially addictive. I declined, preferring just to reduce my work demands. We'll see how that goes. I quickly developed a sinus infection Thursday, so that is a temporary monkey wrench. Hard to sleep even more.

With improved sleep, then comes exercise, hopefully. I'll try your suggestions.

DBT Wed & Thu: Mindful, effective actions (One mindfulness), & examining and challenging myths that we create in our heads. Also, Interpersonal Skills, saying no to people, trying to set/balance priorities versus demands, to assert oneself in personal relationships. And I examined my tendency to avoid and to talk negatively to myself.

DBT will continue as a grad course in June, once per week, as a follow up.

Met my MSW Thu eve, separate from DBT. We agreed that we won't meet again until after DBT finishes, because I have too much going on.

And now I'm with my kids at their Conservatory (piano, dance). We'll go home now. Maybe I'll get sleep tonight.

Hope you do, too. Thanks.
Hi, Karen and Kitt. Hope you are well.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
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Date Joined Mar 2009
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   Posted 5/17/2009 5:35 AM (GMT -7)   
hope, i hope your fast asleep. i too have trouble in this area. jamie.

stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/17/2009 6:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,
 
It is Sunday, a day of rest so I hope you will be kind to yourself today. You have truly come so far and I can sense that your posting your journey here is helping you.
 
Letting out your thoughts and accepting that you have them but understanding that you can beat this depression is to me a huge step for you.  You have come so far.
 
I am glad you will be taking off to finish up your DBT and that you will graduate and we can help you celebrate. 
I know how easy it is to fall back into the "stinkin thinkin" so try  to pull yourself out as quickly as you can.
 
Stay in the moment :) Remember our personal power is accessed in the present.
 
Take care and I am proud of the hard work you are doing.
 
Gentle Hugs to you,
Kitt
 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/17/2009 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

I hope you were able to sleep last night, as you had planned. I have been sleeping a little better, except on the nights that we’ve had thunderstorms. They don’t frighten me or anything, but the loud ‘crackling’ makes it hard to relax.

I don’t blame you for turning down the sedatives. I think it’s best to try other methods first, to see if you can remedy the problem without depending on meds. I’m not suggesting meds are bad, but rather that our bodies sometimes regulate themselves when left to their own devices….and sometimes with a little help from meditative/relaxation practices and nutritional assistance. I hope things improve for you soon, and also hope you’ll be over the sinus infection a.s.a.p..

I’ve been working in my DBT workbook, as time and circumstances allow, and it’s been both interesting and helpful to me. Right now I am studying a section on making ‘wise mind’ decisions: allowing enough time for strong emotions to cool, in order to involve ‘reasonable mind’ in decision-making and avoid making rash statements to others, listening to the ‘center’ or ‘inner voice’, and examining the results of decisions to see if ‘wise mind’ has been employed (usually indicated by results that are healthy and beneficial). It’s been a positive experience for me, and it reinforces the work that I’ve done with my therapist, which gives me the sense of coming ‘full circle’ with all the rewards that that entails.

I’m really glad that you’ll be continuing with DBT, and then with your MSW after the course is finished. I look forward to your next update, and you have my warmest wishes for the week ahead.
 

 

 

“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.” ~Marcus Aurelius


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
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   Posted 5/17/2009 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi again, Mythoughts,

I have a message to convey to you from Karen (getting by). She has asked me to send her best wishes to you, and to let you know that she is away for a while, but will be back to post to you upon her return.
 

 

 

“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.” ~Marcus Aurelius


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/17/2009 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey MyThoughts,

I should have  mentioned that Karen is taking a break and enjoying long walks in the woods with her beautiful dogs and her husband too.  I  know she will return refreshed and soon be back here giving you the excellent support and advice she always does.

She is one awesome lady.

I agree with Raniah and wish  you a successful week.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic 
Co-Moderator Depression
  Forums
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 5/18/2009 8:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

I am just popping in to say hello. I will be gone one more week. But wanted to know how you are doing and say hello.

Hope things are still going well for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 5/22/2009 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, everyone. Thanks for checking in on me.
My flu kept me distracted from my sadness, but it was physically exhausting, so that by Monday I spent the day resting. My twisted, tired thoughts arose more frequently and intensely. Every morning this week I woke up with a full 8 hours sleep, but felt as if I were feeling the effects of a sedative. I'd drop off my kids at school, do errands/housework, and crash on my bed. I went to all 3 DBT classes, but participated less. Thoughts of death returned, but no planning.
What has begun is thoughts of self harm (cutting), not as a release of pain, but as punishment. You see, I still hate myself. Actually, I loath me. Yeah, that self esteem still needs work.
Why hate me? Well, I feel rejected by my wife. And I feel ridiculous for feeling rejected. Also, I am still 'stuck' on my past affair, and the fact that it is long gone. Even more ridiculous. The extra trigger was the knowledge that it is her birthday soon, and I send a card, asking her not to forget me (as she wrote to me on her birthday 5 years ago). No flowers or gift. I decided that that mailing would be my last, an attempt to say good-bye. How pathetic I am (more judgements... DBT challenges those, but old habits die hard). And for the first time in 5 years she emailed me, while I was in DBT class yesterday, hoping that my family and I are well, and that she has not forgotten. I was happy, then instantly devastated. I spoke to my clinician about it afterwards, and disclosed my urge to self harm. I felt safe, but she reviewed the protocol if I feel unsafe (Emerg Psych).

This feeling for her... love? or just clinging to good feelings (past loving)? I need to let go (Reasonable Mind), I want to hold on (Emotional Mind), so what is the compromise (Wise Mind)? Get unstuck but remember the happy times? How do I get there?

I just want to be away from everyone. Or be dead.
I can stand the pain, the anger, the shame, the sadness... I promised my daughter that I would not do anything crazy, so I'll have to endure, but my quality of life is poor.
Wow, I hate me.
I'm trying the Distress Tolerance (self soothing cool breeze, mindful breathing, positives). They help for the moment I do them, then the darkness returns. I'm to go exercising this morning (fast walk), as part of my plan made with the clinician yesterday. But it is so hard to move around, and my head is pounding.
I feel so unworthy. I began hating everything around me, everything that I've done.

I hope that your time away was great, Karen. Thank you for checking in, and Kitt, too.

Raniah, I'm glad that your DBT work has been helpful and positive.

Jamie, hope that you get some sleeep.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 5/22/2009 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that you start feeling better soon. This is probably just a bump in the road and I hope that you can recover.

I have a message from Raniah. Her computer is down and she hopes to be back on at the beginning of next week. She wants you to know that she is thinking about you and cares about you very much. She is sorry that she will be absent for a few days.

Keep on trying Mythoughts, it is so important. Kick those negative thoughts to the curb. Know that this is only temporary. As you have been trying so hard and have come a long way. You are a wonderful person, just somebody having a rough time right now. This too shall pass. Because of all the work that you have been doing, I feel that will come through for you. Go back to step one if need be.

With this in mind, know that we are all thinking about you and wish you the very best. Take care my friend.

Your friend,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 5/22/2009 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Karen. I made it through the day.
My wife tells me of a man, a little younger than I, dying of cancer (she's a nurse). And I think of my ill health, totally self created, and feel like a real shmuck.

Still, I wait for the day that I die, but not by my hand. I've screwed up my life with my sadness, missed out on so much, and still do.

I'm glad that others out there are getting better.

Please say "Hi" to Raniah. She needs a Mac.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 5/22/2009 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mythoughts,

Don't feel like a smuck. You are not. Your problems are real problems no matter how you got them. They are important and merrit the work that you are putting into your life. Sure there are others worse off than us. I thank God everyday that I can see, walk, hear and that I don't have a fatal disease. We can get feeling bad because there are others worse off than us, but our problems are still important. I feel like I repeated myself.

You are a good person Mythoughts, I hope that you know that. You have been through a lot. But you are working on getting things on the right track and that means so much. It is hard. But don't give up. You have come a long way, and you might have a long way to go yet, but you will get there, one day at a time.

Know that I am thinking about you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/23/2009 6:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear MyThoughts,
 
You posted "my ill health, totally self created, and feel like a real shmuck."

You are not a shmuck nor are your ill health issues self created.  Depression is a real, treatable illness that affects the brain. It can’t be overcome by “snapping out of it.” Asking someone to “think positive” is like asking someone with diabetes to change his or her blood sugar level by thinking about it.

People with mood disorders can feel better with the right treatment. You are working very hard at learning how to deal with  your disorder and learning to live with it.  Please be proud of yourself and remember this is about you.  Yes many other people have horrible things going on in  their lives but that does not negate your problems.

Take care my friend and be well.

Our friends are like angels,
Who brighten our days.
In all kinds of wonderful,
Magical ways.

Peace begins with a smile,

Kitt



 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic, 
Depression,  & 
 
 GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


mythoughts
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 143
   Posted 5/23/2009 11:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate your positive comments, Karen & Kitt.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/23/2009 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   

My Thoughts,

You know I am the great believer in staying in the moment so please do your best to be present in the very moment, do not try to over think what is happening in your life but let life happen to you.

You have the right to make your choices but plan some fun into your life.

Remember you are a rich man for "Who, being loved, is poor?" ~Oscar Wilde

Gentle Hugs and caring,

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic, 
Depression,  & 
 
 GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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