please analyze

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amnesiac
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/13/2009 10:43 AM (GMT -7)   
hi everybody,

i would first, like to thank everybody for taking time off of their watches to help people like me out. it makes me feel a lot safer knowing there is a place i can come for help before i hijack an armored vehicle. it seems like there's nobody left out there. everyone is too caught up in the hustle and bustle to give a crap about the next man, and when the next man happens to be a great guy, starving artist, who's never done anything but good in his life.. who just happens to have hit rock bottom.. it gets a pretty personal.

So, I've got a sad little tale to tell.. and I haven't really.. ever talked about it. It's nothing too far out of the ordinary, but its caused me a great deal of suffering, and I would like to talk about it. So thanks again for listening!

Ok, so to the beginning. Well.. some of my first memories are of my parents  being really strung out for cash.  No big surprise, explains the sty in her eye, the mental collapses, the poverty,  the non-stop physical, verbal, and mental abuse that went down in my child hood. It also explains the neighborhood scum she hangs around  Alright, so, coming from a great kid, who understands the importance of attitude, family, and forgiveness,   Gives birth my half sister (the only light in my life) in L.A., sends her back down to guatemala with her mother for 7 years, while she stays in the U.S. working as a live in maid, here and there, and winds up meeting the single biggest pansy in the universe. my father.

 The rest cant even be imagined. I have had to sparatically deal with him for a year or two at a time for the past 10 years when he has no job. (I am 20 and living back at home, cant seem to keep a job)

It seems really convenient and popular these days to blame your problems on your parents.

Alright, so i was with this girl for 4 years. We loved each other, we wanted to marry, i could have proposed a million times and one. right as our 4th anniversary was about to hit, we found out she was pregnant. People were happy. Even her preacher father was ecstatic. My favorite grandmother, grandfather, and uncle, all died in a 3 month period of time. The only thing going right for me is my rollerblading. ive been doing it for 15 years. im starting to fly off of rooftops, down fire escapes. which in itself, kind of worries me. but crap, even tho i can say nobody in my life understands or appreciates me, i get a thousand claps a month from kids who are almost famous and complete strangers. so .. thats been my saving grace. is having direction.
Alright, so now the nice guy who has worked passionately at his love all his life, a ticking time-bomb of success, has become convinced that life is futile and that he'll never meet anybody to give it any meaning, and .. he might be right. Frank Sinatra once said "complete and utter success, is the ultimate revenge.". But in my case.. the only people that will feel my art are the people that it has personally, physically hurt. So all the people i want to show who i have become, and all the suffering ive been through, they wont even know whats going on.

I am just going to post this before i keep going on and on. even tho i would very much like to, ill save the novel until i learn how to write.
 
Edit,
I am sorry I had to edit out half of your post as you have not reviewed the rules and  guidelines of HealingWell.  If you have any issues with the edits my email is wide open and you are welcome to email me.
 
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
 
2. No use of explicit, obscene or vulgar language or images and/or messages, including racist remarks. 
 
12. If it shouldn’t be viewed by minors, then it shouldn’t be posted to the forums or chat rooms.  This is a public, family-friendly forum. In addition, if something would not be considered “work safe” (to a boss or co-worker), then it shouldn’t be posted.  We have members as young as 13 years old.
 
Thank you in advance for your understanding.
Kitt
 
 

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 5/13/2009 3:03:17 PM (GMT-6)


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2282
   Posted 5/13/2009 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear amnesiac,

Welcome to HW!  I am sure there are people here who would like to support you as you seek healing in your life, but it is really hard to get past the angry threats you put in your post.  Besides that, several things you write about are actually against the Forum Rules (see link to the Forum Rules on the right hand side), so unless you modify your post to comply with them, I imagine the administrator will take your post down & possibly block you from posting in the future.

It really does sound like you are looking for help.  If that's the case, please review the Rules & modify your post to align with them (you can edit your post by clicking on the pencil icon).

Either way, I do wish you all the best.  Please take care of yourself & if things get too bad, call 911 or go to an emergency room.

blessings,
frances


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 5/13/2009 1:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Sweetheart, you have been through so much not to mention you obviously had no parental guideance growing up.  My heart goes out to you.  I hope you can find a way to get some help and some relief!  God knows you need a break.............so give yourself one.  i don't know what to say except you can always come here and vent.  I had a relatively normal upbringing ( all families are a bit dysfunctional) and I still ended up with major depression, boarderline bipolar, post traumatic stress syndrome and I was seriously physically abused by my husband.  I hope you can turn your bad experiences into something positive, something that will maybe help someone else.
 
Peace
 
Gem

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/13/2009 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
 
I am sorry I had to edit your post and I realize it now does not reflect the flavor of your original post but your comments were against the rules and guidelines of HW.
 
IMHO you need professional help and the comments you made in your post were inappropriate for a family oriented  peer support community.
 
Some of your comments were outrageous so please think before continuing to post in this manner.
 
Any further inappropriate posts will be brought to the attention of our Administrator.
Respectfully
Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
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Co-Moderator Depression
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Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
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Post Edited (stkitt) : 5/14/2009 6:18:06 AM (GMT-6)


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/13/2009 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Amnesiac,

I'm glad you are reaching out to people, and I did read your original story in its entirety, so I got the full scoop. Being an artist is a gift, and although I do realize it is not the most lucrative career in today's world, it is (IMO) one of the most important. Artists communicate from their hearts and souls, and they in turn touch the hearts and souls of others. I think there is some truth to the idea that the greatest and most creative artists are those who understand suffering, and you, my friend, have unfortunately suffered a great deal. You have my compassion. I hope you will not give up......sharing yourself with the world through your art is too important. You said in your original post that you felt that life was futile and you would never meet anyone to give it meaning, but I hope you can use your art as your purpose, and give meaning to your life by sharing this gift with others. You also said that you thought the only people who would really feel your art would be those who had been hurt, and IMO, aren't those the people who are in need of your expression the most? Please continue to post here, because I would like to know more of your story.
 
 
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18757
   Posted 5/14/2009 5:06 AM (GMT -7)   
hey amnesiac, agree with raniah, me the artistic type, yeah my novel will be an epic! be kind 2 yourself and be yourself, thus things will appear in time. it has for me, but it is a battle-but i too had to learn to be me, so be you, i send harmony to you. keep posting, we care. jamie

amnesiac
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/19/2009 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
sorry, i didnt read the guidelines. i figured this was a place people could come and talk about the terrible things that go through their minds before they materialize. i cant afford professional counseling. btw.. i was so depressed yesterday i shaved my head and walked the streets all night. never a good sign. so.. is there perhaps a place where i can talk about how serious things are getting? without having to pay or risk getting banned for just needing to talk it out? well, thanks guys, for all your words of kindness and understanding. and to the folks at healingwell.com, sorry to be brash but it doesnt seem like there is a place for a morbidly depressed individual to talk it out here.. but thanks anyways, it still helped to hear from your users.. also, i would love to speak to a professional, but theres nicer ways of suggesting somebody see a shrink other than "you need to see a professional". maybe i just need to know that there is still people that care. you should put up an 18+ forum for people who really have messed up things they need to talk about. NEED to talk about. mind you. god bless.

Post Edited (amnesiac) : 5/19/2009 8:01:33 PM (GMT-6)


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/19/2009 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Amnesiac,

I posted to you earlier on the thread. You are welcome to email me if you want someone to talk to. I don't have all the answers by any means, but I'm a good listener. My email address is listed in my profile....just click on my username. Take care.
 

 

 

“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.” ~Marcus Aurelius


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18757
   Posted 5/19/2009 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
hey amnesiac, if i can help pls post, we do care!! i understand the shaving the head and being lost, did it a lot myself, but 4 extremely prolonged periods. disassociation!! time for the doc to help, nowadays they are well versed in diagnosis, treatments and referal. sending empathy and kindness, jamie

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2282
   Posted 5/19/2009 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi amnesiac,

I can certainly understand needing to talk to someone when things get really bad. You still can post to the forum during those times, but the rules do require that the language & content used are not harsh or threatening. I think your problems perhaps could still be communicated without going into the details of exactly what you want to do to yourself or others.

Like Raniah, my email is in my profile & you are welcome to email me, though I'm not really sure what I can do to help. Are you just looking to vent or are you looking for support, ideas or some kind of help? I'm glad that you do feel comfortable sharing your story here & hope you will stick around in spite of the rules. :)

All I can really offer is to say to keep trying to hang in there. I was really hurting & self-destructive a little over a year ago, but I got help & just kept fighting for my life and now I am feeling much, much better. Things are not perfect & I still struggle with depression or negative thoughts at times, but whereas I was completely without hope a year ago, I am not starting to really see things turn around. I believe the same thing can happen in your life; it just takes finding the right "program" for you. Different people are helped by different things.

One resource I would like to share with you, since you mentioned wanting to be able to find a place where you can talk about how serious things are getting is Samaritans. Their website is www.samaritans.org. They have an email correspondence program that operates 24/7 for individuals in crisis. They also have phone hotlines in certain areas.

Hope that helps a bit. If there are any specific ways I or other members can support you, please let us know.

blessings,
frances
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