I have been just sitting here at my computer for about
an hour now, crying. I went to my therapist's office earlier and just got home and sat here thinking until I started crying.
My therapist and I were talking about my (still pretty new) realationship with my boyfriend. Well the problem so far in this relationship is that we always do whatever he wants all the time. He makes it clear that he wants to do what he wants to do and thats all that seems to matter. He says he wants me to be happy and just to let him know when I want to do something different. Then I let him know and he makes it quite clear that he is miserable the whole time we are doing what I want. Well he is gone tonight and most of the day tomorrow. I'll eather see him tomorrow sometime or Sunday. I plan to talk to him about all of this then. He really acts sweet but hes selfish so far. I cant totally blame him though because I have made it seem like its fine with me to do whatever he wants most of the time. I avoid arguements... well," confronting him" , I should say. I am so scared to be alone! Also, I have fallen for him very much! I love him very much! I'm already so afraid to loose him! So I keep my mouth shut too much. I know this all has to change though! I wont be happy just defined as his girlfriend. I have to be me. So a long talk is comming tomorrow or the next day.
I didnt post on here just to talk about my boyfriend. The thing is, my therapist was telling me all this. She told me, I have to go out and be an individual. I have to pretty much, "find myself". This involves just me. Well the reason that I have been crying so much is because, I have had anxiety and panic disorders and health anxiety for soooo long that I have no idea who I am outside of that!
I get up in the morning and my mind goes to thoughts about anxiety. "I hope I dont get too anxious today!" Everything I do revolves around my anxiety! If I go places or not. How long I stay. No matter where I'm at, my mind seems to race with all these thoughts! I'm codependant on others. Mainly my boyfriend. Once I left home at 18, I never really got over the "shock" of the world because I had been so sheltered! A huge part of me just wants to go and make my parents get back together (they split when I was 21), and set up my old room. Then I want to crawl up in bed with my mom like I used to, and just lay there and talk and watch Mary Tyler Moore. Thats the kinda thing we did when I was growing up.
I have been so anxious and developed health anxiety when I was 17. It got its worst when I moved away from home! I have been battling it ever since (I'm sorry I cant spell very good!). I dont know who I am outside of worry! Outside of the constant state of "Am I going to be ok"? Also, "Whats that? (refering to any unusual feeling I get). I dont know what much I like to do. I like some tv shows but its hard for me to concentrate on them. I like funny movies but its the same story with that. I dont get out much so I dont know what I'd like to do even if I wasnt anxious!
All I know is I like being Jerrica's mom. I like being with my boyfriend. I dont know who I am outside of them and the anxiety! I have no clue and it terrifies me! I try to think of things I might would enjoy but everything I think of, I dont like. I dont know if thats because I just dont really like anything, or if its because of the anxiety!I cant tell anymore! I mean.....................
Who am I??
Am I alone in this feeling??
Thanks for reading!