New here, looking for support - married to depressed husband

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momof2cuties
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/18/2009 8:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
I was Googling about depressed spouses and came across this site. You all seem like a nice bunch of people, and I'm hoping to maybe find some answers here, or at least try to gain some understanding/insight into my husband's depression.

A little about myself - I am 32 years old, married 6 years this year however I've known my husband for 10 years. We have 2 adorable boys, one is 3 1/2 and the other is almost a year old. My husband suffers from anxiety and depression and is currently taking medication to treat those as well as adhd. I suffer from mild depression however I feel that it's under control with the Zoloft that I take. We both work full time and our days are fairly hectic and busy. Hubby is currently going to group therapy for issues stemming from a tragic childhood, and we also go to marriage counseling together.

I find myself posting here because a lot of days I feel like the therapies are helping, and other days it seems like nothing will ever be better. Hubby and I argue over a number of small insignificant issues, a lot of them related to the fact that I feel like I do all the work around here while he seems to be incapable of contributing to the household because he is depressed. He has days where he'll stay home from work and sleep all day, leaving me to manage two young children alone. Other arguments we have are related to something I've done that's upset him, only I don't know that I've upset him because he keeps it all bottled up until he explodes and finally tells me. Seriously, last night he was upset with me because he says that for the past 10 years we've been together, we always watch what I want to watch on tv. Yes, laugh all you want, but he was *very* upset about it. A lot of the time I have no idea why he's so upset, finding his behavior to be erratic, only to realize later that it's because he's taken some Ambien (to help him sleep), except that he hasn't gone to bed. I've read you're supposed to go to bed right after taking Ambien, and have mentioned this to him countless times, but he won't listen. Maybe that information is incorrect, but since I'm not a doctor I don't know for sure. Oh, and yes, I'm pretty sure last night was an Ambien-night. I've asked him to tell me when he takes one, but he never does, so I'm caught off-guard frequently.

I've been questioning our marriage for the past couple of years, thinking that this was something all couples go through. However as time goes by, I'm starting to wonder whether our arguments are really a product of his depression, and if so, is the group therapy ever going to be successful? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel, or am I going to be with a depressed spouse for the rest of my life? And if there is a light, what do I do in the meantime to survive? Some days I feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep at night, feeling emotionally drained from trying to understand my husband, and feeling physically exhausted with taking care of my sons as if I were a single parent.

Thanks for reading.

momof2cuties
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/18/2009 8:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I forgot to mention, things have not always been this way. While we were dating and when we were married before having children, I guess he did suffer from bouts of depression, but it was always very easy for me to be supportive. I gave him space when he needed it and just did my own thing until he felt like re-joining normal activities again. But we hardly ever fought about anything, and if we did, he was always quick to apologize if he'd done something wrong. Since we've had our boys and he's started going to therapy, things have changed between us, and I'm wondering if things will ever be the same again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40571
   Posted 5/18/2009 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mom,

Have you ever thought of couples therapy? If not, that is something that you might want to try. It seems like he keeps everything bottled up and then blows up when you least expect it. That can be very frustrating to deal with. Just when you think all is running smoothly, the bomb goes off and really catches you off guard. I can sympathise with that.

I think that all relationships have a time when things get harder. I would just take it one day at a time for now and see what happens. Have you talked to a therapist about this? YOu could use the support right now. And I really wonder if that couple therapy wouldn't help the two of you.

Do you ever ask him if something is bothering him when you suspect it? What does he say? Probably nothing. I use to be that way and after a while you can't hold it in any more. But I wasn't good at expressing myself and that is why I didn't say anything. That could be what he is going through.

Anyway, Keep posting as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


momof2cuties
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/18/2009 9:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your reply Karen.

We do go to couples therapy - is that the same thing as marriage counseling? We've been going for over a year now and some days it seems like it's helped/helping, but on other days I feel like we're not getting anywhere. I do like our counselor very much, he seems to be able to help us understand each other's point of view during our sessions, however it's when we're not sitting there in his office that we seem to forget how to communicate.

I ask Hubby sometimes if something is bothering him. Nine times out of ten my suspicions are correct in that he's down or upset, but his response is usually "I'm just feeling down but I don't know why." Then I ask him if there's anything I can do, and he says there isn't. So, I leave him alone if possible and just wait for him to figure things out on his own. This would be a lot easier to deal with if we didn't have our boys, but those little rascals are staying put LOL, so I really need Hubby to be able to contribute as a parent or I'm going to have to figure out how to cope with not having someone to help.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/19/2009 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Welcome to HealingWell and the Depressions Forum.  Karen has given you wise advice and I agree with her. :)
 
This is a great place to meet new people and to be able to share your issues and concerns so stick with us.
 
Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic, 
Depression,  & 
 
 GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Post Edited (stkitt) : 5/23/2009 9:10:21 AM (GMT-6)


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 5/19/2009 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I have ADHD but not on meds for it.It causes me little trouble so I just keep on keeping on.....
I have times when I get upset & cuss like a sailor but generally I can keep it together.........
SnowyLynne


momof2cuties
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/23/2009 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone.
Well it's been 5 days since I posted and things haven't really gotten much better. Usually when hubby is depressed, he's "out of commission" for a day or two, and then starts to feel better again. It seems like this time he's gotten worse and is completely incapable of doing anything for himself or our children. I am currently sick, but I'm having to take care of both boys anyway. Hubby got up a little while ago to have something to eat, and I told him that our younger son would probably need to go to the doctor, as he's running a fever of 101. Hubby said "Sorry, I'm gonna need you to take him." When I asked him why he said "I just can't do anything right now." Then I asked him "Well what about ___" (our older son who is 3.5 years old). Hubby said "You'll need to take him with you too." Come on, I'm already sick, and to take a sick one year old and a rambunctious 3 year old to the doctor's office for 3 hours just completely sucks.
Somebody tell me how I can get through this? It's just the beginning of a 3-day weekend, which was supposed to be fun. :(

Jeannie143
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 5/23/2009 8:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Mom,
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Depression is such a draining influence on a person's life that often times it's impossible to crawl out of the hole. My husband is going thru something similar right now and I'm as lost as you are...
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


momof2cuties
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/23/2009 9:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jeannie - what do you do when your husband falls into depression? Sometimes I feel very supportive and try to do what I can for him, but other times I feel very resentful, and I don't want to feel that way.

weirdspace
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 161
   Posted 5/23/2009 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to healingwell I'm a little late coming into this but I feel for you....But I'm on the opposite side I'm the one that's depressed but I can relate to the fact that you feel like you do everything. We only have one child thats almost 3yrs old and I feel like I'm the only one that does anything. I'm sorry your going through a hard time.....Maybe you both need to re evaluate different avenues you can take if you both have been in counseling for a year now and things seem like they are getting worse.....Maybe there is something else you both can do to make things better....I'm sorry I'm not much help but I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that your not alone. Just try to take it one day at a time and much hugs to you!
Sought help Jan 2009
 
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes."


 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40571
   Posted 5/23/2009 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I hope that you were able to get your little one to the doctor without much trouble. It sounds like you are taking on the whole deal here. I hope that you are feeling bettter now. It is hard, but you will truly be blessed for your kindness and compassion. You are doing the best that you can. That is obvious.

Keep posting to us, we are here to help as much as we can. And most of all we are here to listen.

best wishes for a wonderful weekend, though I know that it is hard. You will make it, you are a strong woman.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


guac
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Mom of 2 Cuties:

I just joined the forum to find answers to my husband's depression.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  How are things these days?  I know if feels better just to vent...I feel better just having joined the forums last night.  Everyone is very supportive.  It doesn't make the problems go away but it helps to have people who are willing to listen and offer support and advice.


Debbie Downer
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 62
   Posted 6/4/2009 7:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I was reading your post and I thought for a minute that it was my husband in disguise writing about me. Ha! Wild. I am a stay at home mom. I have a 3 1/2 year old and an almost 1 year old too. (he will be one on the 27th). It sounds like your husband and I have a lot in common. I can understand your frustrations and they are clearly the same as my husbands. It must be very difficult. I also suffer from a tragic childhood full of all kinds of abuse and neglect. My husband doesn't understand why I can't leave the past behind me and sometimes he feels cheated out of healthy happy marriage because of my past. Things were easier for us before we had kids too. I would love to chat more with you or even with your husband unless that would make either of you uncomfortable. I probably provide you with a lot of insight into what your husband is going through.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 6/4/2009 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like you are taking all the positive steps to resolve things and it also sounds like his depression is maybe not as well controlled as it could be.  Maybe he needs a med adjustment, maybe he needs to change his diet and step up an exercise program.  I know these things are hard to do when you are in the pit of depression, but they do make you feel better.  You can't make him do these things but meds alone are not enough, you have to actively want to feel better for things to change.  I know it is hard to work full time and have two small children, I have been there, I know what it is like.
 
Keep doing all the positive things you do for yourself and him.  I hope things get better for you soon.
 
Gem

shar037
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/13/2009 4:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mom,

It has been several days since your last post and I hope that you have started to see a bit of relief.
I am experiencing the same thing. My husband's depression has wreaked havoc on me personally. I am his caregiver - not his wife. So, I understand where you are. Since you have children involved, you have the responsibility to them first. Which means in order to take care of them, you must take care of yourself.
If your husband is so depressed that he can't get out of bed, have you asked him if he is suicidal? If he is thinking about suicide, then he needs to get to the hopsital. If he won;t go then you should call an ambulance. When in this state, he is not in his right mind. Not to scare you, but your children are potentially at risk while in the home with someone so emotionally disturbed. Many put focus on the depressed individual, yet forget to notice the strain that this could be causing to the children and to the caregiver(you).
If you have relatives in the area, can the children spend the night there?
What I am basically saying is that you have to say the "the buck stops here." Get him to the hospital if need be, get him through this bout. Once he is in a better place, have a very frank talk with him. Let him know that you are unable to continue caring for him in this way. He needs to seek outside help, if not for his sake-- for the children's. And if he doesn't do it, tell him what you will do - and stick with it.
Although they are young, children know things. This could affect them when they are adults as your husband is modeling this behavior.
I apologize if this is too much to hit you with, but I after 10 years of being caregiver to a depressed husband- this is what I have learned.
Take Care

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/13/2009 4:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shar037,

I'm really glad you joined us on the forum. Your words of advice are both kind and wise, and I hope you will feel comfortable to come back and share some more with us. I'm sorry to know the pain you've experienced over the past ten years, and I hope that coming here for support will bring some comfort to you.
 
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 

“No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night.” ~Elie Wiesel

 

 

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