not sure what to say. . . new here

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AlwaysCurious11
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/21/2009 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I don't know where to begin. I'm going to dive in but it feels awkward to just blurt out a bunch of stuff about me but how else can I. . . well. . .

I'm 38 years old. At 30 I started (re)seeking help for depression. It was a bumpy road trying to find a psychiatrist that I liked and the whole medication guinea pig thing was a real drag. After my fiance left me when I was, I think 32 or 33 I found very good help and really started to make progress.

I have general and social anxiety and depression, oh, and PMDD. I'm on Zoloft and Wellbutrin. And that has generally been working pretty well for me.

I'm single, I bought a house on my own about 11 years ago. Its a fixer upper and it can sometimes overwhelm me but my family is near by and they help when they can. Sometimes I have to get them to back off because I start to feel like a victim. They have been very supportive of me as I've sought help and treatment. My dad even told me that he was very proud of me as a person because he'd never met someone who went in search of solutions for inner demons. Although, he didn't word it that way. . . it was nice what he said, I'm kind of making a mess of that.

Anyway. I work two jobs. 6 mornings a week I exercise race horses and it is wonderful exercise but a not so wonderful environment. I've learned a lot about the world by being there but. . . the men that I've met there are just dogs. More on that later. I'm also an Art Director for a small family owned business (I'm not part of the family) and after about 7 years of a lot of progress has been made in my department. I have a great staff of designers and I am blessed.

I used to have to ride a lot of horses before I came to work because I needed the money to make ends meet. I used to make more money at previous jobs so when I started at my current job I was broke. I've cut back to only 3 horses a day and that is partly because I adopted my most favorite mount ever after he suffered a career ending injury. We have a wonderful bond, me and my horse, and again, I am very blessed. He and I seemed to "find" each other at a time when we needed someone. The story of me and him is much like the horse stories I used to read as an 11 year old.

I'm pretty happy being on my own. But a few years ago I made some bad decisions. I'd made a very good friend at my day job and, well, we became lovers. He's been living with a woman for many years and they'd grown apart but they own a house together and. . . well, it became a mess. We don't work together anymore and we've reestablished our friendship and we are in a healthier place.

Recently a man at the track started flirting with me. And I felt like he "got" me. To try to consolidate this story I'll just say that I asked if he'd like to get coffee sometime. He said he'd like to but that he's married.

Around this same time I ran low on my Zoloft. And money is tight. And my friend (the former lover) is kind of depressed. And both of us have friends that are very ill from cancer.

I'm getting my prescription refilled in a few hours. And I've made plans to leave work early to go riding with a friend of mine. And I'm really trying to make healthy decisions and choices. But for some reason when that man told me he's married I got very, very sad. And uncharacteristically lonely. And now he's flirting with someone else. He's just moved on. Not that I was going to make the same mistake twice and I'm jealous. I just feel like once I made it clear I wasn't going to pursue or flirt or anything anymore he didn't really care.

I am so terribly lonely right now. I'm crying a lot again. It was like I didn't feel lonely until I actually hoped that there was someone, a kindred spirit. And I feel dumb. And I'm not doing very well at work. I'm not being very productive. I don't really want to do anything. I'm trying, I'm really, really trying to do all the little happiness boosts etc. It's just such a battle, such a chore. And I'm dying to get in a fight with anyone I can, I'm fighting that urge, too, but it's hard.

Does anyone have anything to say to this? I feel stupid but this crying business has to stop. Same with this aching loneliness. I'm not alone. I have wonderful friends and a loving family.

What is going on with me? I feel kind of worthless even though intellectually I know I'm not.

AlwaysCurious11
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/21/2009 10:21 AM (GMT -7)   
geez, that's a novel, I'm sorry.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 5/21/2009 1:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that what you are going through is normal for depression. If you are depressed. You are in a situation that would normally cause you to be a little down.

I will tell you one thing. I am glad that you ditched that guy. The married men always go back to their wives. I am glad that he isn't paying attention to you know. It lets you know what kind of guy that he is. You deserve better than that.

I hope that you have a better day. Keep posting as we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/21/2009 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Welcome to HealingWell.  I am wondering if your depression could be part of your problem as your behavior feels a bit to me like manic instead of depression with social anxiety .
 
Most depressed people could not do as much as you have done as people with major  depressive disorder.
 
Here are some of the sx of depression that don't seem to quite fit you but I know also that each person is different and I am not a professional.

Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day

Feeling restless or sluggish to the point that others notice

Fatigue or loss of energy

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness

Perhaps you should see your physician to reevaluate your sx and receive a good medical screening exam.

Keep on talking to us as we are here to help.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic, 
Depression,  & 
 
 GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


AlwaysCurious11
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/21/2009 6:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kitt,

I agree that it sounds a bit manic. And I had a tough time when I'd been diagnosed as bi-polar and a variety of other things. However, when I was treated for those disorders I was very, very unwell. I DO appreciate your feedback, though. I've also noticed a family pattern of my maternal line that has a great deal of social anxiety. My sister, my grandmother, my mother and now, bless her, my sweet niece. It seems like all this anxiety gets channeled into the need to do. We must do things to be accepted and rewarded. After having so much therapy it is hard to watch this in my family. Those instances when our family is more like a mirror can be tough.

It may be my up bringing that has me so busy and so active. Up until recently I often felt that I had to prove myself to others. Especially my dad. . . which is ironic due to my first posting.

I left work after I made my initial posting, I have some sick time available, and went to get my prescription refilled. This will help.

I've noticed a pattern in the spring when I frequently get very, very depressed. I thought about it a lot today on my drive to see my horse and realized the way I used to feel in college after the semester was over and I'd gotten an A in a studio art class. It was like all that hard work only amounted to a letter. Here I was striving and trying and really trying to put all of myself into my classes and it was over and I all I got an A. Then I'd feel guilty that the A wasn't enough, but I just thought that the A would feel better than that.

In the spring I feel like I've survived the winter. And working outside and riding the race horses everyday in the cold or the rain can really give one a desire for spring. And now it is here and. . . well, ok, so here it is. I used to make very bad decisions and have flings. This is rather embarrassing because I must sound like a floosy. But it would be like this super daring move I'd make and then I'd hate myself for it. But this year, I tried to be smarter and wiser and ask for coffee.

Sometimes a job well done really isn't its own reward. Does anyone understand what I mean when I say that?

The good news is that I am working very hard at doing a little self care/nurturing. I went on a trail ride with a friend and it was a really nice time for both of us (and the horses seemed pretty happy, too).

I am grateful to have the place to just share and it allows me to wade through the emotions so I can think clearer.

I may not have mentioned it in my first post (I feel very bad that these posts are so long) but I am going to be quitting working at the track and will focus on one job, my fine art as a hobby, and my horse. And I hope that without the time, effort and energy spent at the track I will be able to pursue my healthy relationships. I am so wounded when a relationship reveals itself as an unsafe, and unhealthy relationship. I want so much to trust and love and I try so hard to be careful and smart but it seems like the more careful I am the more hurt I feel when I'm let down.

Thank you for your kindness and support. I don't like to always turn to my family and friends. . . when I was younger and did that I know that I would frighten them. It would wear on them and be quite hard.

-s.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 5/21/2009 9:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Do allow yourself to trust and love. Because even if we get hurt, atleast we have learned or have some type of knowledge that we got from the situation. So you do live and learn. Plus there are usually some fond memories what we can have from it.

We should do things because we want to, not because we feel that we have to. do them for enjoyment, not for perfection. I does sound to me like you are very hard on yourself. You expect perfectionism and if you 'fail' to meet that approval (that is yours), you go with all or nothing thinking and you feel like you have failed. And tell me if I am wrong, but I believe that you emotionally beat youself up for this.

Sweetie, if we expect ourselves to be perfect or the best at everything that we do. We are only settin ourselves for some majoy dissapointment. and the reason that I say this is because with the way that you feel, Nomatter how good it is, you won't perceive that way.

I would like to discuss this later if you want to. You can email me if you want to, my address is in my profile. Thhere is so muh more that I would like to get into wit hyou, but I am super tired right now. Like I said, email me if you want to, if not, we can continue on here, that way wyou will get others responses. And opinions.

I think once your mannor of thinking is changed around, you will learn how not to be so hard on your self. You have a lot of promise my friend. You are a work in progress. And we here at HealingWell would like to whitness all of it. We are here for you, nomatter what you decide to do.

Take care, havea good night,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


AlwaysCurious11
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/22/2009 3:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You nailed that.

I needed to hear that. Of all the therapy I've had, that was a fairly consistent comment. Perfectionist. And it's funny, if I feel like I can't do it perfectly, I will frequently just give up on whatever it is or I just won't even try.

I have improved but being more forgiving of others and thus being more forgiving of myself. And the reverse seems to hold true, too.

Whew. Deep breath. I know how fortunate a person I am so sometimes when I get as depressed as I do, I feel even worse because I have so many blessings in my life.

I will be in touch more later, but I needed to thank you for that.

-s.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 5/22/2009 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   
hi curious11, karen has given you great wisdom, the forgiveness stuff, when i forgave myself, from the sequale of abuse i received, from a man, that is when i truely became at one with myself. jamie, mere male, 37.
 
mdd, severe borderline personality disorder, iddm, hormone defecient, diabetic nuropathy, lombroscal spine, and water work issues.
 
wishing you all the best, keep strong, jamie
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