Am I crazy or just stupid? Am I at fault somehow???

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HurtingHeart
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/25/2009 2:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I'm new here.  Hesitating to post here, but have no-where else to turn right now.  I've been diagnosed as being depressed.  Am on anti-depressant medication for which the dose has been recently doubled by my doctor.
 
Sometimes I can't stop crying, and have no clue why I'm crying in the first place.  I am in pain all the time - some times it's not bad as other times, but I'm just sick of it.  And the pain is everywhere.  But it doesn't hurt everywhere all at the same time....sometimes it's my legs, sometimes my arms/elbows/shouders, sometimes by back.  I also get migraines.  I feel worthless, useless, stupid, lazy, and just basically pathetic.  I am beginning to wonder if I am just crazy and that maybe there is something wrong with my brain.  Sometimes I think that perhaps if I just go to sleep one night and not wake up the next morning, things would be so much better off for everyone.  I don't really wish to die....I just feel helpless, hopeless and at my wit's end.
 
Sometimes I feel like I'm just an idiot and it's all my fault.  But then I ask myself what I have done to make it my fault, and of course I can't think of anything. 
 
I ask myself what is wrong in my life that makes me feel this way, and I really don't have an answer for that either. 
 
I ask myself what I have to be depressed about, and I don't really have an answer for that either!  I have a wonderful husband that I have been married to for 22 years who stands by me no matter what.  And no, we have never really had any fights or anything.  Maybe a few disagreements, but really nothing that has ever lasted more than a few minutes.  I have two boys - one 30 and one 21, and both of them have boys of their own.  I'm very close to all of them, and love them dearly.
 
I am overweight, have fibromyalgia, cannot stand without being in pain, cannot walk more than 50 feet without being totally out of breath and in pain, and spend most of my "free" time at home because I cannot go out for a walk, go shopping or bike-riding or anything of the sort.  I cannot exercise because of my weight and my pain and shortness of breath, and I cannot lose weight because I cannot exercise!
 
I have no real friends so therefore I have no-one to really talk to.  I have also just been diagnosed with Lupus for which I need to go see a Rheumatologist for.  I have also been asked to see a Psychiatriast as I have been told that he/she should be able to help me learn ways to "cope with the pain" and "get on with my life".
 
I do rubber stamping/cardmaking and scrapbooking, but haven't been able to do it for about 5 months because I had to take everything out of my spare room and put it in the attic because my youngest son separated from his wife and he is living with us now and he has joint custody of his 1 year old son whom also stays with us (I don't really mind them living here, so I'm not complaining about that...just trying to give you a picture). 
 
As for my job, I really afraid of losing it, but....I just can't be there.  Some mornings I am in so much pain that I can't even get out of bed.  Which has really affected my job due to all my absences - I also in jeopardy of losing my job, but I don't know what to do.  I don't want to lose my job, but I just can't be there.My job is a desk job, but even just sitting there working on the computer all day doesn't help my pain any in my back, my shoulders, elbows, arms...everything from the waist up!
 
Does anyone else feel this way?  How do you cope?   How do you make yourself go to work?
 
Am I crazy?   Stupid?   Any suggestions/ideas/comments are welcome.
 

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/25/2009 4:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hurting Heart,

Welcome to our group. I don’t think you’re crazy or stupid…..I think you’ve got a lot on your plate, and you’re suffering….understandably so. I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with fibromyalgia, lupus and depression and all the pain (emotional and physical) that goes along with that. You have my deepest compassion. (((hugs)))

It’s really hard when you’re limited in what you can do as far as physical activity. I have chronic pain, too, and have had to make some major lifestyle adjustments. I think it’s natural to experience depression along with that, when you have to give up, or at least limit, the things that you enjoy. I’ve found that one of the main things that helps me is focusing on what I *can* do each day, however much or little that might be. I have learned to give myself a pat on the back for the small things…..even doing the dishes….on those tough days, and I try not to beat myself up for not accomplishing everything on my to-do list. Some days are better than others for me, but it is unpredictable, so I have to go with the flow and do what I can. I try to incorporate things that I enjoy, even when there is more work to be done, because those are the sanity-saving moments that get me through the day. When I really need a boost, I write a gratitude list, and record the things I’m grateful for….and I know that can be tough when you’re really hurting, but it really does bring a moment of positive thought at the end of the day.

I’m really glad to read that you have a loving and supportive family. That’s a wonderful blessing! I hope that your time with them gives you some happiness even on your lower days.

Please don’t call yourself worthless or an idiot or pathetic……you are none of those things! You have diseases to cope with, as we all do, and you deserve lots of love and compassion, especially from yourself. (((hugs))) Be gentle and kind with yourself……your body responds to what you say to yourself, even if the words are in your mind.

I hope you will continue to post with us. This is a wonderful group, as you will see. Best wishes to you.
 

 

 

“If what I say resonates with you, it is merely because we are both branches on the same tree."  ~W.B. Yeats


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 5/25/2009 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hurting Heart,

I understand what you are going through. I have fibromyalgia too and I know what it is like to be in pain all of the time. As a matter of fact, I am going back to work after being off for about seven years. I don't even know if I can do it but I have to try.

I control my pain with medication, and take adderall for the fatigue. It helps me to function. I spent close to two years in bed from the pain and fatigue. But I do walk. You might want to start that. Even if you just go for a little bit, it helps. Even if it is only five or ten minutes, it really helps you to feel better. It boosts your mood and gives you some stamina. I hope that you decide to try that. Also drink a lot of water.

There are a lot of things that you can do to help yourself, and seeing a psychiatrist is good. He/she can help you with medications and also set you up for counseling. I go to therapy and that helps a lot.

Keep posting here too. We also have a wonderful fibromyalgia forum and lupus forum. You are dealing with a lot and I too am glad that you have a good support system. That is so very important.

Let us know how you are doing. This is a wonderful place to discuss things and get advice.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 5/25/2009 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Hurting, I am so sorry for all the pain and problems you are having.  Isn't the pain from having the fibromyalgia and the lupus?  I think you shoud make an appointment with your PCP and get a good work up of tests to see where there are problems and what can be done to help you.  You are not a worthless person.  You are in fact a very decent and kind and loving person.  Look at the wonderful family you have and how you are helping out your son in his time of need. In terms of your work can you take the FMLA at this time?  If you are eligible you are entitled to 3 months off.  It would be without pay but it would give you time to figure out your medical situation.  I know how hard it is to lose weight.  It doesn't take dieting but takes a lifestyle change.  If you go on the internet you will find many ways and ideas of losing weight that are practical and may help you. I don't want to push any particular group but I did lose 40 lbs at a group and it was just as I said a lifestyle change.  In the meantime, do keep your appt. with the psychiatrist.  You may find some real help.  Many of us have bad feelings about ourselves so please don't feel you are alone in this and you are certainly not at fault for anything. You need to get to the bottom of your depression and learn what you can do to help yourself.  In the meantime you have a loving family and a wonderful husband.  Please post here anytime, there are so many kind and wonderful members who will reach out to you and give you a "shoulder to cry on." There is always someone who will answer you.  Please take good care and remember you are a good person.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 5/27/2009 5:13 AM (GMT -7)   
hi hurting, you are hurting, both physical and mental. been in the mental health system for a long time, and from what i read you sound quite lucid and very sane. what may help, well proirtising what needs need meeting first, pyschiatrists are former gp's, thus they are very saavy on how to maximise a reduction of pain with the right treatments and medication. keep posting, thx for your courage in posting, i have a few pain issues myself. we care, luv to you, jamie.
 
iddm, severe borderline personality disorder, mdd, lumbroscal spine, diabetic nuropathy, hormone defecient, water work prob's.
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