Hi. I'm new here. Hesitating to post here, but have no-where else to turn right now. I've been diagnosed as being depressed. Am on anti-depressant medication for which the dose has been recently doubled by my doctor.
Sometimes I can't stop crying, and have no clue why I'm crying in the first place. I am in pain all the time - some times it's not bad as other times, but I'm just sick of it. And the pain is everywhere. But it doesn't hurt everywhere all at the same time....sometimes it's my legs, sometimes my arms/elbows/shouders, sometimes by back. I also get migraines. I feel worthless, useless, stupid, lazy, and just basically pathetic. I am beginning to wonder if I am just crazy and that maybe there is something wrong with my brain. Sometimes I think that perhaps if I just go to sleep one night and not wake up the next morning, things would be so much better off for everyone. I don't really wish to die....I just feel helpless, hopeless and at my wit's end.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just an idiot and it's all my fault. But then I ask myself what I have done to make it my fault, and of course I can't think of anything.
I ask myself what is wrong in my life that makes me feel this way, and I really don't have an answer for that either.
I ask myself what I have to be depressed about, and I don't really have an answer for that either! I have a wonderful husband that I have been married to for 22 years who stands by me no matter what. And no, we have never really had any fights or anything. Maybe a few disagreements, but really nothing that has ever lasted more than a few minutes. I have two boys - one 30 and one 21, and both of them have boys of their own. I'm very close to all of them, and love them dearly.
I am overweight, have fibromyalgia, cannot stand without being in pain, cannot walk more than 50 feet without being totally out of breath and in pain, and spend most of my "free" time at home because I cannot go out for a walk, go shopping or bike-riding or anything of the sort. I cannot exercise because of my weight and my pain and shortness of breath, and I cannot lose weight because I cannot exercise!
I have no real friends so therefore I have no-one to really talk to. I have also just been diagnosed with Lupus for which I need to go see a Rheumatologist for. I have also been asked to see a Psychiatriast as I have been told that he/she should be able to help me learn ways to "cope with the pain" and "get on with my life".
I do rubber stamping/cardmaking and scrapbooking, but haven't been able to do it for about 5 months because I had to take everything out of my spare room and put it in the attic because my youngest son separated from his wife and he is living with us now and he has joint custody of his 1 year old son whom also stays with us (I don't really mind them living here, so I'm not complaining about that...just trying to give you a picture).
As for my job, I really afraid of losing it, but....I just can't be there. Some mornings I am in so much pain that I can't even get out of bed. Which has really affected my job due to all my absences - I also in jeopardy of losing my job, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my job, but I just can't be there.My job is a desk job, but even just sitting there working on the computer all day doesn't help my pain any in my back, my shoulders, elbows, arms...everything from the waist up!
Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope? How do you make yourself go to work?
Am I crazy? Stupid? Any suggestions/ideas/comments are welcome.