Constant fear of people

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shellm
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/27/2009 6:19 PM (GMT -7)   
I am always worried about what people think of me. It takes me 2 hours to get ready in the morning. My hair and make up, clothes, etc. have to be perfect. I feel if i'm not a step above I'm not worthy. I don't want to be average. I have extremely low self esteem and am always angry. I feel like my insides are in knots and feel heaviness in my chest. I was raised that looks are everything. I'm trying to over come this because I know it is VERY SHALLOW! I have started to argue with my husdand, cant stand being around anyone because everything they do is wrong. I'm afraid to talk to people because I'm afraid I will say or do the wrong thing. I'm afraid to get close to anyone in fear of being hurt. I get jealous of my husbands friends and his involvement in the community. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40576
   Posted 5/27/2009 10:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shellm,

Welcome to HealingWell.

I almost sounds to me like you need a mood stabilizer. But that would be up to your doctor. I suggest that you have a talk with them and see what they recommend. Also counseling could help you.

It does sound like you do have some issues to deal with. And I am sure that once you do, you will be happy again.

I am tired from working all day and it is late, so my mind isn't in the best shape right now. But I know that somebody else will come along with some better advice.

Keep posting as we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18751
   Posted 5/28/2009 1:37 AM (GMT -7)   
dear shellm,
 
a suggestion to think about is how can you break this fear. my suggestion is to seek a therapist who solely works in the feild of desensitisation. it seems from what you have posted that these fears and feelings are learned responses. it is about tackling one thing at a time, i wish you well and hope you are feeling better soon. jamie

Grizzly pooh
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 5/28/2009 2:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi shellm, you sound like you're in pain. It can be really terrible when we're so afraid of everything it makes us turn on the people who love us (I've done that too with my husband). Times can be tough but they can also be good so if you haven't already talked to anyone, i suggest you do. Your doctor or a psychologist, and see what you can sort out. You deserve it. I'm getting older now and believe me our looks fade. i've also relied on my looks and needing to look my best everyday, but as i get older it gets harder to do. The wrinkles are starting and my latest episode of anxiety was triggered because i got veneers put on my teeth which really freaked me out as it was very uncomfortable and they're not 'perfect' and i hate them and can't get used to them. All for vanity i'm now not working and in the midst of depression and anxiety. so good luck, see what help you can find, and keep talking to us if it helps x

shellm
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/28/2009 5:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your replies. It helps so much knowing you care enough to send me a post.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/28/2009 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Shellm,
 
Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I am so glad you found us.
 
It does feel to me like you have some self esteem issues.

“Low self-esteem is often characterized by an "inner critic," which is a part of you that constantly berates your efforts and belittles your achievements. Sometimes an inner critic takes on the voice of a victim ("no one will give me a chance") or a perfectionist ("I should be doing better than this"), but the end result is an ongoing drag on your self-esteem. You can counter negative self-talk by first recognizing it for what it is and then responding to it with positive counterstatements.

Look for instances where your inner critic generalizes unduly, is unremittingly harsh or makes statements that don't hold up to logic. Then write down a series of positive counterstatements that redress those criticisms. They should always involve upbeat phrases and avoid negative words like "not," "no" or "can't." Keep them in the present tense and always use first-person statements (using "I" instead of your name). Draw up a list of them and practice saying them readily. When your inner critic starts to berate you, respond with the appropriate counterstatement every time. Eventually, your counterstatements will arise naturally in your mind whenever your inner critic gets going, keeping the negativity in check.”

Try working on changing your feelings of "I am not worthy" to "I am worthy".

We are all worthy and all equal so remember to be kind to yourself first.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 



 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic, 
Depression,  & 
 
 GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/28/2009 2:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shellm,

So often when we judge ourselves in that unrelenting and unforgiving way, with expectations of perfection, we also judge others in the same fashion. We cannot accept our own flaws, or the flaws of others. Life is very painful when lived this way, because nothing is or will ever be "perfect" according to those unrealistic definitions. In my opinion, true love and true friendship go far beyond the surface, and they see that which is not visible to the naked eye. From reading your post, it seems like you are unable to accept it when others make mistakes, and yet you are afraid to talk to people for fear of making mistakes yourself. Perhaps if you found a way to be less judgmental about your own foibles, you would then be less judgmental about the behaviours of others, too. We all have a fear of being hurt, but avoiding closeness with people because of that fear means living without deep connections and love in our lives, and that is very sad indeed.

I wonder if you might consider some counseling, as some of the others have suggested. In particular, you might want to look for someone who practices CBT (Cognitive behavioural Therapy), which teaches us how to examine and realign our thoughts, so that those negative and judgmental ideas and reactions are caught and turned around in our minds, allowing us to think positively about ourselves and other people. I can tell you from personal experience that this has made a world of difference to me in my relationships with other people, and in the way I feel about myself. Naturally, I still have some days when I feel down about certain aspects of myself, and about certain events in my relationships, but I no longer run the script in my mind every day about being a bad person, or thinking that the world is full of bad people. I also enjoy my friendships a lot more, and find it much easier to meet people and develop relationships that are fulfilling and uplifting.

I hope you will keep posting with us, and feel welcome to share some more about your situation. This is a great place to talk and gain support, as you have already seen. :-)
 

 

 

“If what I say resonates with you, it is merely because we are both branches on the same tree."  ~W.B. Yeats


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 5/28/2009 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Shellm, I really don't have much to add to what the others have said but I do agree with what they have posted you.  I am writing to tell you that I grew up under the same circumstances where you always had to look perfect. For the longest time I wouldn't dream of leaving the house without hair done perfectly, makeup and nice clothes.  Even to go to the grocery store.  Well, as I have gotten older these things are not so important to me.  Sure I still like to look nice but some days I am tired and don't want to spend the time it takes to do my hair. And I can whip on a presentable face with spending five minutes to makeup briefly. I bought myself a cute little hat with a visor and a pretty flower on it.  I throw it on, grab some slacks and a shirt and i'm out the door.  I am finding that it is more important to get out of the house and do my errands than to worry how I might look to someone.  And the truth is everyone thinks my hat is cute and doesn't notice my hair. And so far I haven't run into anyone that I would care about seeing me looking just thrown together.  They do the same.  So maybe with some counseling and  a boost to your self esteem you may be able to use your time where you need it most.

Aurora


shellm
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/29/2009 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Raniah- As I was reading your post I started to get upset. Then I realized (for the first time ever) that you are right. I didn't realize that I judge others in the same way I judge myself. I agree with you that true love and friendship go far beyond the surface. I don't understand why I have never had a true friend or am able to get close to people. I'm sooo afraid to be myself, I always feel like I have to put on a front. I can be myself when I first meet someone but then I don't know how to act.

I went back to the doctor yesterday he wants me to start taking Buspirone in addition the my Wellbutrin. I also made an appointment with a counselor. I pray this will help.

THANKS for your post it helped me to see alot! :)

shellm
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/29/2009 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Aurora- I would LOVE to be able to do that! I feel like I am treated different by others when I go out "not looking my best". I can see/feel that people just treat me different. It makes me feel so good when people comment on my purse, hair, clothes etc. That is were I get my self esteem from. I know this is not normal, I wish I didn't care what other thought of me. I don't know why I feel the way I do. It's kinda like I want people to be jealous of me.... but in reality I am jealous of others. I struggle everyday. Thanks for your reply.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 5/29/2009 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shellm,

I'm glad you found my post helpful, and I'm also glad I didn't make you feel upset for too long - I would never want to do that! :-) You seem like a really smart and thoughtful person by the way you write your posts, and I hope you will start to feel really proud of who you are, on the inside as well as the outside. You deserve to love yourself and be loved by others, too. I'm really glad you went back to see your doc, and I'm also glad about the appointment with the counselor. I hope it's productive and helpful for you. Thanks for checking back in, and please continue to let us know how you are doing.


 

 

 

“If what I say resonates with you, it is merely because we are both branches on the same tree."  ~W.B. Yeats

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