sadness for my son

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Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/2/2009 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been feeling just terrible lately due to my son's broken engagement and cancelled wedding.  He is seeing a therapist who is helping him very much and he is feeling much stronger and has accepted the fact that this relationship is over.  He is planning to have a "closure" conversation with her soon and I am dreading this.  I know it will bring back bad feelings for him and he will have some rough days.  She has left him a few voice mail messages but he hasn't spoken to her or called her back. He did email her to stop calling him and to email him if necessary.  But he is going to email her to set up a time for them to talk and put the final goodbyes on this.  He says he isn't looking for an argument or to place blame but to explain what she has done that made him feel they could never have a successful marriage. He played some of the messages for me, nothing was personal,just that she missed him and still loved him. She sounded so unbelievably sad and down. And now not only am I sad for my son I am feeling very bad for her as she is so heartbroken.  They had about 6 couples counseling sessions over her winter break and she said she would try hard to change but that just didn't happen.  And when things came to a head it was because she said SHE was postponing the wedding and that she would rather stay in NC for the summer with her friends and she didn't want to live in his condo but move to another city.  Everything was all about her and she never took his feelings into consideration.  In this market he could never sell his condo and also he is a partner in a firm here and can't just leave. He likes his job. He always gave her 110% and she never even met him half way.  It was always her way or the highway.  Not everything was to blame on her because my son just let himself be a doormat for 4 yrs. So why am I so upset about her? I think she is hoping they will get back together but he says if they did they would end up divorced because he says she will never change.  And she is very emotionally unstable and really needs help. I know he won't give her another chance and he is really moving on with his life getting involved with all his friends and joining sports teams, plus he is so busy at work. Not meaning to make such a long story out of this but I just wish I didn't feel so bad. I guess I feel for her because I know what it feels like being in that position, only mine was an actual divorce.  If anyone has some ideas on how I can come to terms with this I would appreciate any help you can give me. sad
 
Aurora

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 6/2/2009 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I think if you just let yourself feel sad, that it will go away. Evidently you care about her because it makes you sad that she is so sad. That is a good thing. You are a sensitive person and there is nothing wrong with that. I guess your son really feels the need to find some closure. Maybe he wants to know that he can stand his ground with her and not be tempted to get back together. It is a good thing that he doesn't take her phone calls. But still is willing to take an email.

I hate to see you suffering so, but that is just you and that is cool. We all seem to have feelings for others and hate to see eachother hurt. I am glad that you have that quality. But try not to be hard on yourself, you are human.

I hope that this helps some. Give yourself permission to be sad, but try not to get too sad about it. Remember that your son has come a long way with this and is getting stronger still. That is a good thing.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


NightWish
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/2/2009 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I'm sorry you and your son are still having a hard time. It is interesting you posted this today, because I was doing some of my own heartbreak healing work and came across a writing on the Internet that helped me when I read it and I thought of you and your son and was going to post it for you.

http://sweetnostalgia.wordpress.com/2007/12/09/the-emotional-end-of-a-relationship/

This one was also very good, from the same website:

http://sweetnostalgia.wordpress.com/2007/11/23/the-awakening/

The hardest part I'm sure for you and your son is that even though you both know deep down that she is not the right person for him, you both are still good people and care about her feelings and well-being. Even though your son is not in love with her anymore, he was at one point, or thought he was, and still does love her to some extent. He doesn't want to hurt her.

The fact that she is not willing to accept his decision and keeps contacting him is concerning. Do you think she might have some manipulative tendencies? I found this article about how to break up with a manipulative person. Maybe some of the tips will help when your son tries to have the final closure talk?

http://www.wikihow.com/End-a-Controlling-or-Manipulative-Relationship

These are just ideas that helped me. I don't know if they will work for or help for son in his situation, which may be different than mine. But I do understand the feelings your son and you are having, as I am still trying to move on from my heartbreak too. I don't think many people understand that the person who makes the decision to end things hurts too, as it takes a lot of courage to make a decision that he or she believed was best for both people.

Hugs,
NW

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/2/2009 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks Karen and NW, I think I need to allow myself to grieve over this because it is the loss of someone I thought was going to be in my family and be the mother of my grandchildren. I am way too sensitive and too giving. This is something I will work on with my therapist. And NW thank you for those websites.  I will look at them and see if they will help my son.  He does still love her and I think if things could have been different he would have stayed with her but he is strong and he can only take so much.  Because of his kind and caring nature I am sure he will find the right person to share his life with. And NW I am sorry to hear that you are having to go through  a heartbreaking situation too.  I hope that you will be feeling better soon.  Even though I had to go through a divorce it was 25 yrs ago so I am very well over it.  Thanks again for caring.

Hugs,

Aurora


NightWish
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/2/2009 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora -- This one was also very good for me. It's called "12 Ways to Let Go of Past Loves: Come unstuck with these techniques and discover yourself, happy and free."

http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/2008/10/Past-Loves.aspx

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/2/2009 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I’m really sorry you’re hurting like this. I don’t have children of my own, but I can imagine that watching your son go through this, along with dealing with your own grief over the situation, must be very difficult.

I’m encouraged by the fact that your son has had success with his therapist, and that he has gained strength and acceptance since the time of the breakup. I would think that a closure conversation would be beneficial to him, although I’m sure it will be a time of emotional upheaval as well. It’s good that he has set boundaries for their communications up to this point…..IMO, that shows a good sense of self-respect and self-care on his part, which is so important, especially during a time of grief and recovery. It sounds like he has very good intentions for this closure conversation, and I think it will be helpful to his ex, as well. I can tell from your message that she is also suffering, which is understandable, and I think the fact that you feel badly for her, as well, shows what a kind and compassionate person you are.

I hope the knowledge that this situation would not be healthy for your son will bring some level of comfort to you. I do realize that you were looking forward to a wedding, and to your son having a new chapter in his life….and I also know you were really looking forward to having a daughter-in-law. This has been a great loss for you, as well, and I am so sorry for your grief. I can see from your message that you have envisioned the pitfalls that would lie ahead for your son if he were to marry this woman, and I do believe, as sad as this is for all of you, that this happened for a very good reason. It has been a painful life lesson for your son, but I shudder to think of how much more painful his life would be if they had married. At least now, he has a chance to heal from this experience, and to learn more about himself and his needs in a relationship. I do believe that having had this experience, he will be much better prepared for a healthy marriage in the future, when the time comes.

I know that you have been having regular appointments with your therapist, which is really good. I know in my own life, it makes a world of difference. I do hope that this has included, or will include, some grief counseling for you, because this is your loss, too. Your son is so incredibly lucky to have such a loving and caring mother in you, Aurora. I know you want to continue to be a good source of support to him, and I hope you will give yourself the same love and tender care while you are hurting, too. The only other thing I can offer is prayer, and you can be sure that I am praying for all of you in this very sad time. Best wishes to you, my friend.
 

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

 

 


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 6/2/2009 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
dear aurora, been in your sons shoes, he is right. but for you it is a loss for him, her and you and all of you. maybe the pancea is that you grieve, and when ready maybe all of you can talk. the girlfriend is feeling it, sadly even with the best intentions only she can change for herself. i feel for all 3 of you. take care, and continue to do so, luv and healings. jamie

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/3/2009 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you each and every one of you for your comforting and thoughtful replies.  I talked to my son and told him I was very sad and he understood but he also reminded me of all the reasons the relationship would never survive and he needs to be out of it and go on with his life.  I do agree and that makes me feel better.  He is really doing well and I hope this will continue for his recovery and I hope and pray that the closure conversation will go well and that he can make her understand that the relationship is over and he will not go back to her. It has really helped me to write out all my thoughts and to have such great friends to help me through.

Many hugs,

Aurora


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/3/2009 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. I know this is going to take some time, and I hope you will be patient and kind to yourself. It must be really good for you to see the progress that your son has made, and I hope that this will bring you some comfort as well. Please continue to post with us about this, as you feel up to it....we really care about you.
 

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

 

 


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/3/2009 5:17 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Raniah, it helps me so much that you are so caring and supportive of me in every way.  It almost makes me cry but I think at this point my tears are healing tears.  Everyone here has been so supportive. It is almost like going through a death in the famly and I have had enough of those.  My son is doing so well right now, I just hope it continues.  I know he is going to have some bad days but so far he is really together.  I think the therapist is helping him a lot.  I made an extra appt. with my therapist because at this point I think I am doing worse than my son.  The only thing I am really greatful for is not having to put up with all the bridezilla nonsense that would have occured in planning this wedding.  So while I do feel somewhat bad there is no wedding I think I am truly grateful I won't be going through all the razzmatazz she would have created. Maybe the best way to get married is to just have family and a few close friends and don't make a production out of it.  Thanks again for being my friend.  I am always here for you too.  I have been through a divorce so if you need any help I will be glad to answer you.

Many, many hugs,

Aurora


NightWish
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/3/2009 9:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, it sounds like your son has come so far, Aurora. That has got to make you feel good to know that he has accepted it and is deciding to move on. That's also great that you are seeing the positive in the situation. There has to be some relief in avoiding all the "razmatazz" (I like your choice of words there!) Good for you for deciding to talk this out with your therapist. I hope that session will give you some peace of mind. Remember to keep smiling and to be happy because you and your family deserve it. :-)

NW

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Aurora,

Many hugs right back to you, my friend. I agree with what you said….in a way, this is like a death, because you are dealing with the loss of a dream for the future. I do hope that each day brings a little more healing to you and to your son. I can see that you are really close and supportive with each other, which is wonderful. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I had to laugh about the bridezilla comment….lol….that can be a real nightmare. I enjoyed my wedding, which was a small and intimate affair of eleven people, in an old stone house in the country in front of a fireplace. It was lovely. (I guess it says something that I can actually recall that now without a meltdown….but I digress!). I hope it is not insensitive of me to bring that up right now. I want to thank you for being there for me as well. It is so good to know that you care. I hope you find some happiness in your day today, whatever it might hold. (((hugs)))
 

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

 

 

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