family stressing me

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Kali-Nikki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/4/2009 3:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I am a 20 year old girl who despises her family. I have never been able to connect with them or even have a basic conversation with them about anything. I mean NEVER. The most we talk about is how is school, the amount for tuition and when school begins. Thats it. Last summer i tried suicide which landed me in the hospital and this summer i am thinking about it again. I have had suicidal thoughts since i was probably 9. I was sexually abused for a long time by a family "friend"'s son. This happened when i was 9 and didn't stop until i was probably 12. I was just able to tell my parents about it last summer and the stress that came with it got too much for me. It kinda just died away. I have my final year in University coming up and my life is hell. My parents do not understand me, they don't accept that i have different beliefs from them. They are strict adventist and there are lots of things they don't do. I have never agreed with the lifestyle. Today i told my dad i am going to pierce my ears which i have always wanted to do and he told me i cant because i am still living with them and until i become independent i have to do as they say! I am 20! How the hell can you restrict someone you don;t even have a relationship with. They support me financially but that is as far as our relationship goes. I hate them. I feel imprisoned and smothered. It;s like i am dying. Plus i am going through a really bad breakup with a guy i dated for 1 and half year. he is the only one who understands me and the only one who knows exactly how i feel about my family. now he's not there and it's killing me. I feel so alone and caged. I want to be free. My life is awful. No one even knows i am suffering because i cant talk to them. they kow nothing about my life.



I edited your post to bring it in line with rule #1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted. --serafena

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 6/4/2009 9:12:24 AM (GMT-6)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/4/2009 4:08 AM (GMT -7)   
dear kalli-nikki, you need imediate help, i am very worried for you. i need to inform the moderator, this is because i am worried about your safety. pls consult psych services in your area or indeed your local hospital. stay safe, we here care, okay. jamie

Kali-Nikki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/4/2009 4:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Jamiee i am trying to be okay. I don't sleep. i have spent the last 24 hrs in tears . all of this is overwhelming.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/4/2009 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
i hear you, if able pls continue posting, i am awake, and am here for you. pls remember that u are a treasured person of this world. jamie. keep safe, you are on the right track, keep talking to me, if okay, jamie

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/4/2009 4:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kalli-Nikki,

Please....if you are still thinking of doing something to yourself....please call a suicide hotline or visit the hospital and talk to someone there.....you are going through a lot, and you need to take care of yourself and get some help with this. There are lots of people here who understand what it's like to have that deep depression, and sometimes we can't do it alone....there is help out there, so don't be afraid to reach out for it. (((hugs)))
 

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

 

 


Kali-Nikki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I am trying not to hurt myself. I have been trying and praying to die for the longest while now. I need help but i don't know who can help me. I started counselling last summer but i ended it because it wasn't helping me one bit. i need a job, i need my freedom. i hate being trapped and stifled. it makes me angry. when i'm away from home at school i feel much better because i am on my own and free. i make my own decisions. i am in charge of my life. whenever i come home i get depressed instantly. my area is so remote. i just hate it here. i have a knife in my room which if i feel worse i will use to cut myself because i honestly feel its best i die sometimes.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kali-Nikki,

I'm glad you are not trying to hurt yourself. Thank goodness. Prayer has been really helpful to me in my darkest times, and I hope it will be for you, too. I really value independence and making my own choices, too, so I can relate to what you are saying here. I'm sorry the counseling didn't work for you last summer, and I hope you will try to find someone else if you can. It took me a few tries to find the right person, but now I have a really good therapist, and she has been a real lifesaver for me. Please don't give up hope.....we're here for you, and it's really good to come here and talk about it.
 

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

 

 


Kali-Nikki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Raniah. Praying.. God's sense of humor is very different from mine. I ask for signs that things with my ex would work out and i got them then all of a sudden he flipped the script on me. The one person who i was able to fully express my feelings to and the one person who i thought cared for me hurt me and walked out on me. I have so many questions and can't get any answers from neither god or my ex. no one. my family is a lost cause. i dont know where God is going with all of this because each time it seems to get better it crashes again and its always worse than the last time.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
nikki, my thoughts and prayers are with you. i too have been where you are at, and some. it is a dark place, u need to fight, and hard. do not give in, your recovery has begun with your first post. i admire your courage, and i understand the sequale of abuse you endured, it happened to me also. keep reaching out, i am always around, stay safe, we care about you, we all here understand about depression, about the darkness, and we know about the endurance and constant battles, best of all we know that with time, with help and never giving up we do get through it to manage it better. so keep fightin' take care, jamie.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/4/2009 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kali-Nikki,

Welcome to the depression board and to HealingWell. We're glad you're here. You're in a very dark place right now and it's hard and lonely. But everything will be okay with time. You need someone to talk to and we can fulfill that hole for you to some extent, so it's good you found us. In time, I'd really like for you to find a way to see a therapist. I know that probably won't be easy with your parents.

I'm very sorry about your boyfriend. It's hard to be heartbroken and depressed. But it's very important that you keep moving forward and try to be strong. If you really feel like you can't do it, call this number:

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Keep talking to us, okay!

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Nikki,
I want to first make sure you are safe.  We are all concerned about you.  Is there anywhere safe you can go? 
I am not sure where you are at but since you said university  (it might help if you told us which country you are in) this is for UK:
http://www.siari.co.uk/Helplines/Helplines+UK+Hotlines+USA.htm
 
We also want to get you interacting with people outside your family.  Have you thought about summer school?  Or working?
 
I have to admit I think some sort of personal counseling will help, but I think it absolutely has to be with the right counselor. 
Obviously, the old one was not a good one for you, and it might take several to find one who feels like they fit to you.  Please do not give up on it, it is hard to get out of the family patterns and memories without it.
 
You are not asking for anything that is unreasonable.  You want a sense of self efficacy.  You are on your way to getting it, and you even know the path to get there.
 
I wish your relationships could be more supportive, but I think you are realizing that sometimes you have to give yourself the support, that the people who should be giving it.  I am so sorry that the boyfriend did not work out, but you know you have the strength to do this on your own.  After all you are getting out of 20 years of the family indoctrination, and you are getting out to be successful.  That is a good thing and that takes a heck of alot of strength.
This is a temporary problem (and you even have a path out it is just going to take a bit), and after next year you never have talk to them again.
 
Please try to find someone to help you deal with the loss you are enduring and the lack of family understanding and support you are feeling, because we physically cannot be there with you, and I would really like to have you have someone who is physically there.   In the meantime please keep talking with us.
Navy

Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Nikki, could you do something for me, please?

I'd really like you to go and get that knife that you've hidden in your bedroom, and take it back to the kitchen. Do you think you could do that? I think it would be much better for you if it was out of your bedroom. Your bedroom is too private; I have depressed friends who have done things in the privacy of their bedroom that they've ended up regretting, and would hate for that to happen to you too.

You can still get that knife if you end up needing it; I just think it would be safer for you if it was not so close to hand.

Hang in there,

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

New meds thread


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/4/2009 5:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Nikki,
We just really want you to be safe and perhaps if you could get out of the house (even if it is to hospital) I really think it will help you get thru this time.
Hugs,
Navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Navy; it would be a really good thing if you could get yourself to hospital.

My understanding is that a person who is considering suicide is regarded as an emergency case, just like a person who has been in a car accident. You would be perfectly justified and right if you took yourself to your nearest hospital's emergency department and asked them to help you.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

New meds thread


Kali-Nikki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me. I went out of the house today and it did me good although before i left my mother started going off and tried to start an argument which i just ignored. I spent the day with friends chatting and catching up. MMMNavy i am in the Caribbean. I just got home and its just like back to prison to be emotionally & mentally raped!

ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:17 PM (GMT -7)   
You have a lot of people who care about you and want to see you get through this, Nikki.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

New meds thread


Kali-Nikki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you ivy and everyone. it means alot to me. talking with you guys keeps my mind occupied.

ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
ps. If you Google "former adventist" you will find some links to forums and organisations that can help and support you in your desire to detach yourself from the Adventist church. I hope you find these helpful.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

New meds thread


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/4/2009 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   
keep fightin' you are on the right track, well done on getting out with friends. luv jamie.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/5/2009 5:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Kali-Nikki,

Good Morning and a warm welcome...........this is Kitt.  I have depression.  I also have anxiety.  I did not have a great Step Mom growing up so I understand some of how you feel.

I am glad you went out yesterday and hung out with your friends.  It is good that you are not isolating yourself from your friends,  they can help you stay  grounded in who you are. You are a special, unique person and now you are a member of this wonderful family at HealingWell.

It sounds like you've been having a really tough time recently and you've taken a brave step in coming here and talking with us.

I am going to touch just a bit on self injury. 

There are several different flat-out-crisis-in-the-moment strategies to use when you get the urge to self injure.

Do anything that isn't self injuring and produces intense sensation: squeezing ice, taking a cold bath or hot or cold shower, biting into something strongly flavored (hot peppers, ginger root, unpeeled lemon/lime/grapefruit), rubbing Ben-Gay or Icy-Hot or using Vick Vap-O-Rub under your nose are a few.

I have a friend that throws paper plates until she is exhausted and the impulse has passed. No broken plates to pick up

These strategies work because the intense emotions that provoke self injury are transient; they come and go like waves, and if you can stay upright through one, you get some breathing room before the next one. The more waves you tolerate without falling over, the stronger you become.

You have met a lot of great members here and I am glad you have received such wonderful advice.  Keep on talking to us as we are here to support you and do use the crisis hot line numbers if you need to.  Keep reaching out for help and you will find it.

Here are a couple of numbers that may work for your location:

Hotline/Crisis: 340-776-7867  or 809-776-7867

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Anxiety/Panic, 
Depression,  & 
 
 GERD/Heartburn
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/5/2009 6:14 AM (GMT -7)   
kitt, i have a few intersting ones, one is playing air guitar with my stick, i am the lead guitarist, i see myself in a rockin' metal band, usually the band that is playing, i play air guitar with my cane till my arms hurt, and until i am tired, and usually go again, matter of fact i am going to now, seen my lady tonight, the nasty carer came back, to put it nicely she was very rude, and made it very uncomfortable for my lady and i. oh well, soon she will be gone, can't wait 4 that. definately in the wrong business!! i am not giving up, and never will, frankly she is jealous of us. why, do not really care. i luv my lady as she i, nothing can and or will break this. jamie
 
p.s. rock on!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/5/2009 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nikki:

Just writing to check in with you. Hope everything is going okay with you. What are you doing today to keep yourself occupied?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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