Final conversation

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Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
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   Posted 6/5/2009 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I started a new post here about my son. He had his closure conversation with his fiance and he has for good ended the relationship.  She was on her way to start a new job in Washington, DC. She still wanted to stay in touch with him and be friends but he felt that after a broken engagement that it would not work and be painful.  What happened with her has finally come out.  She wants to be adventurous, travel 3 months a year, she thought he was too serious about his job and should be the type to pick up and go whenever she wants to try a new city.  She also admitted that children would not be good for her, she wouldn't make a good mother as it would tie her down. She knew that he always wanted at least 2 kids.  She was very teary and weepy and was upset that they could not remain friends as she wanted to keep the door open in case sometime in the future she might want to get back with him. He told her it was completely over, he has moved on and he saw no purpose in staying in contact. He said he was not interested in hearing about any new boyfriend and he thought she would not want to hear about him dating.  She felt he didn't have the same sense of humor she has and also he stood too firm on keeping his beliefs and principles.  The result is he said there would be no more contact between them, he would ignore any voice messages and emails but that he didn't regret the relationship and wanted them to part on good terms.  He has really moved on, which seems so incredible.  He told me that after their talk all he felt was relief.  She told him she still loved him, had never loved anyone else the same but hoped she might find someone who wants to be a wanderer like her.  So all I can say is I am glad it is finally over.  Unfortunately I am feeling quite sad, I feel very bad for her but I know he deserves so much better.  He is a very confident and trustworthy fine young man and the next girl who finds him is going to be very lucky. I will work on this with my therapist this week to see how I can come to terms with my hurt. A friend suggested that I am probably sad as there will be no wedding soon and there won't be grandchildren for me for a while.  But I think that will all come in the future. Just wanted to let you all know how things ended and I hope to be feeling better soon.
 
Aurora

NightWish
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Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/5/2009 9:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for sharing, Aurora. I am so glad that your son is doing well. It sounds like he made the right choice in choosing not continuing a friendship, as it is so hard to do after breaking up. Their lifestyles and values seem so different, and it looks like you wouldn't have gotten those grandchildren you wanted even if they had gotten married since she doesn't want any. She will feel better in time -- she is just experiencing a broken heart, just like your son did when all of this started. Now she will go through some pain, but she will also heal.

It's interesting how love can exist between two people even when it is apparent that they are not right for each other. I think that's what makes it so incredibly difficult to accept when things aren't working and to move on. But I do think that heartbreak, disappointment and sadness is a part of life that we must experience. We must learn how to heal and grow from it so that we can be ready for the next part of our lives, and be ready for the right kind of relationship. I'm learning that. She'll be OK and will someday be grateful to your son for letting her find someone more suitable for her, as he will for himself. I hope you see that as you begin your own own healing from the disappointment of losing something that you thought would have turned out differently. Try to find peace that things happened the way they did, for it opened the door for true happiness to come.

Hugs,
NW

Akram
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Date Joined Feb 2005
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   Posted 6/6/2009 7:31 AM (GMT -7)   
hello aurora, I'm sorry about how you are feeling about the whole thing. but I think you should be happy and proud of your son as he seems to be doing the right thing. he seems to know what he wants in life and is working on that. yes it is dificult when things sudenly change in an unexpeted manner, but the door is still open and there is many possibilaties for your son and even for her. good luck to you on your healing and to your son as well to find what he is looking for in life.
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


Jeannie143
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Date Joined Apr 2004
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   Posted 6/6/2009 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow! He really dodged the bullet on that one! He could have ended up married to her and financing her "wandering" while he worked to build a life alone. You are so lucky that this self centered young lady didn't become part of your family and than your son had the common sense to see that he deserves a partner who loves him for him, not for how he can finance her whims. Congratulations on the break up!
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/6/2009 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks all of you for your replies.  Jeannie, I know he dodged a huge bullet and this is the best thing for him.  And Akram and NW thank you for your answers.  It is hard when you not only have spent 4 yrs with someone but actually given them an engagement ring, set a date and started to make plans for a wedding.  I think  he is lucky to be away from her. She kept telling him how much she loved him and had never loved anyone else so much. So why not try to change and act like a civilized person and settle down and have a normal life.  I guess it wasn't possible for her.  And i'll bet she tires of this job, decides she doesn't like Washington and move somewhere else.  She is a self sabotageur and I can't see how anything is ever going to make her happy.  She is just going to lead a nomadic lifestyle.  And maybe she will find some man who wants to do the same.  Although I think most men are concerned about their jobs and being able to support themselves and a family.  So I agree with you all that he is very lucky to have broken this off completely as now he is free to truly heal and build his life again.  I know that he will find just the right girl for him  Aren't girls always looking for the steady, kind,trustworthy and reliable man?  I will heal eventually.  I think I am taking on a lot of his pain so I need to work that out with my therapist.

Aurora


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/6/2009 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   

Aurora,

No matter how old they are we are always our children's Mother and we feel their pain.  I think you have done well in supporting your son.  I am glad that you are close to him and that you are able to be there for him.  He needs support and it does sound like he made a wise choice in cutting all ties.

This young woman cannot have her cake and eat it too.  It sounds like she wants to stay friends just in case her plan does not work out and she could come running back to your son................so yes he is right in walking away.  Good for him.  I know that was not easy for him...............letting go of a dream is never an easy thing and four years was a long relationship.

My oldest son in Oregon is going through a tough time with his wife and they have 3 young children.  She wants to be free to do whatever she wants and has run up huge debts.  My heart hurts for him as his first wife cheated on him and left him taking his oldest daughter with her.  I do understand how hard it is to see your adult son suffer.

My prayers are with you and please know I care.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 


gentleman k
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 6/6/2009 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Kitt

My prayers will be with your son and his situation there in Oregon. Hope things work out for him.

Gentleman K

 

 


Post Edited (gentleman k) : 6/6/2009 8:17:00 PM (GMT-6)


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/6/2009 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Kitt, I am so sorry to hear of the troubles your son is having.  I don't understand what it is with some women these days.  If you have children you have responsiblities.  You can't just do whatever and whenever, willy nilly.  I hope your son has cancelled any credit cards so she can't do anymore damage. You have had more than your share of problems and you handle things in such a gracious and determined way and I very much admire you for your strength.  God is truly on your side.  I am feeling much better now that my son has completely ended his relationship.  I think we are all just feeling relief. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope you enjoyed your grandaughter's graduation.

Many hugs,

Aurora


Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/8/2009 6:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aurora,

Sorry to be so late in responding to your thread. The weekends have been really busy for me lately, because of work, and I haven’t had a chance to get to the forum until now.

I am glad you posted about the closure conversation, and I’m especially glad your son is doing so well. I am really impressed with his attitude…his whole state of mind about this…and I’m thankful that he is aware of all the facts about his ex (the desire to travel 3 months of the year, the nomadic lifestyle w.r.t. jobs, the lack of desire for children – how could she not tell him before now?!?!). Really, I am disappointed in her for not being forthright about these things sooner. However, it is water under the bridge now, and I’m sure these revelations have only served to confirm for your son that this is not the right woman for him. It’s evident that he has moved on, and I’m so very glad for this. He seems like a strong person who has his head together, and I know he will move forward from this and create a new and better life for himself.

It’s perfectly understandable why you would feel sad, Aurora. It’s a time of loss and change, and that’s difficult for most of us. I hope that your time with your therapist will help you, and I also hope that the support and caring of your friends here will lift you up as well. You’re a wonderful and loving person….it’s obvious by your posts to us and by your devotion to your family….and you deserve to feel happy and at peace again. Take good care of yourself, and know that we’re all here for you.
 

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

 

 


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/8/2009 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   

Morning Aurora,

Did you know we are the same age...........???  turn That puts us in the generation that believed in forever and ever, Amen.

I am glad you are feeling better and I so understand how you feel about your sons.  Your love and caring  for your family shines through in your posts..............you put them before all else and I admire that.  I do want you to take good care of you too.  You are a worthy and deserving person who needs nuturing and love in order to keep on growing so be sure to collect your share of support.

As for me I am doing better.  I know my DIL has  run up credit cards she took out in my son's name and  also she took out a loan online in his name and used me for reference...................I let her know that was not appropriate to do. I fear she has emotional problems and think perhaps she has more then A.D.D.

My son is taking care of the children, the house and working.  I can only pray and be here for him to support from a long distance.

Grandaughter's graduation was awesome and her dance recital last night was special too.  Her graduation party is Saturday so it is another busy week.

I wish you peace and happiness and most of all I wish you love.

May the sun shine on you all week.

Hugs

Kitt

 


MMMNAVY
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/8/2009 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Aurora sorry to hear you and your son are going thru this.  At least it was before the wedding. I agree this is something she should have been open about, but perhaps she just did not have the self awareness to know it, or the strength to fight the society/family expectation. I also agree that you do not play games with kids.  But one has to wonder why she felt the need to hide her real self, for several years evidently?  Was she abused and just wanted someone so desprately to love her that she tried to change who she was? 
 
Kitt, I do think it is something more then ADD.  Have your son put an alert on his credit so it is called and approved every time it is used (costs about 30 dollars a month).  Then he might want to check into a lawyer who specializes in gambling debt, so he is not held responsible.  I am not sure if she is a shopping person or a gambling person, but in just the few words you said I have to wonder.  


Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 6/8/2009 3:44:43 PM (GMT-6)


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/8/2009 2:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Can I tease you all a bit?
"I don't understand what it is with some women these days. "
"That puts us in the generation that believed in forever and ever, Amen."
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/8/2009 2:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Raniah, thank you for your kind support.  My son is having good days and bad days which I told him would happen.  He just wants to get over her and not even have to think of her.  He told me some additional things she said about me(all negative) all the while trying to act so sweet to me. So my hurt at this point has changed to anger because what she said was extremely unfair.  I truly appreciate your always replying to me and always in the most comforting and concerned way.  You are truly a good friend.
 
Kitt,  Thank you too for all your support.  I am so sorry your son has to go through such a hard time.  I'm glad you have a wonderful and supportive family.  We are strong and we will survive these trials. I didn't realize we're the same age.  That was easy, simple living growing up in the 50s & 60s. If life could only be that simple again.  I'm glad you are doing better and hope things keep improving.  Prayers and love to you.
 
MMNavy, I definitely take exception with your statement of dogging on young women.  My son's ex did a complete turn around on him.  She was all excited to marry him and her parents thought he was the perfect match for her.  The wedding was all planned!  She went for a masters degree and took out student loans and then didn't even finish. I think that is pretty irrisponsible. She decided she had to be a free spirit and always travel and to heck with my son, all after 4 yrs together and saying her life would be nothing without him. She told him I would not make a good grandmother because I might not take the kids hiking.  This girl is an emotional mess and has had a serious breakdown.  She was never abused. She was an only child, just her parents and one grandmother who she had no respect for.  Her parents didn't guide her and define rules and teach her about life and how one must treat others.  She more or less raised herself.  I think she started to resent all of us. My family is me and my sons but my sons have their dad and stepmom, 2 half brothers, and a lot of relafives on their stepmom's side. They are used to a big family and she wasn't and I think she got cold feet. But she is searching for something, I don't know what, but she will one day realize that the nomadic life of searching and moving and not having friends is not going to bring hapiness. Yes, it's her choice, but she wanted to keep up with my son, just in case SHE decided that maybe she wanted to marry him after all. I can think of nothing more self centered and selfish.  What makes her think my son would wait around for her. Yes, I am quite angry about this but I think you should be able to understand where my distraught feelings are coming from.
 
 

Raniah
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/8/2009 3:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora,

I'm so sorry that you had to experience additional pain and anger from the comments your son's ex made about you. Please be extra-kind to yourself right now. This woman is moving on from your life and your son's life, and the healing process can be your main focus now that your son has completed his communications with her. You're in my prayers. (((hugs)))
 

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

 

 


MMMNAVY
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/8/2009 3:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry I phrased that wrong. It looks like you missed my correction. It just sounded like you were trashing some young women for having different expectations out of life (you were sounding a bit judgemental there).   

I agree what she did was irresponsible, but I also thinking pretty clear that she was living a lie, and that she was lying to herself most of all. I think it is pretty clear that she did not set out to hurt your son, but she did.

The fact that she has crummy family relationships, tells me that there is definately family disfunction, it is rare for that to happen alone (do you not think neglect by not setting boundaries and guiding a child is not abuse? Abuse is not limited to just emotional, physical, or sexual.)

There is a theory of family therapy that says something to the extent that one tries to heal the wounds inflicted during childhood with their adult relationships. This might have been what she was trying to do, and she realized that she just could not handle it.

I think we can all agree that holding someone "in reserve" is a piss poor thing to do to someone. (but it is not the worse thing to do to someone so let's be aware of catastrophizing, I was just was reading a case about a woman who was killed, because her partner was so selfish that if he could not have her, then no one could).  Thank goodness she is not that psycho.

Yes, you absolutely have a right to be upset. But I hope some day you can move beyond anger and find compassion for her. I just hope you are not drinking the "poison" of being continually angry at her. From your own discription she seems like she might be not in a good place mentally, and seems like she needs professional help.

Most of all I hope you find comfort in that you raised a son, who is getting thru this, and will find a happy and healthy relationship no matter how long it takes. That he is healthy enought to know what he wants out of life and holds hope that there is someone who's life goals fall more in line with his.

I hope you hold hope in your heart.
 
P.S. I think no contact is a great!


Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 6/8/2009 4:48:10 PM (GMT-6)


Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/8/2009 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you for your replies.  Yes, I will admit I have feelings of anger and disappointment. To hear that you might not be considered a good grandparent is really a slap in the face. Taking kids hiking is not the be all and end all.  There are museums and parks and theater and fairs, all kinds of activities that are fun for kids.  Besides by the time (if they had married) and had children I would be in my 70s and maybe not able to hike. But none of this is relavant to the situation.  My son, although still hurting  badly will come through this and find a wonderful partner.  And I am doing my best to support and listen to him and encourage him to be involved with other activities and friends. I will resolve my issues with my therapist who has always helped me and helped me heal from hurts suffered.  I know this will not happen overnight but I know that I will move on and I pray for the day my son meets the girls of his dreams.

Aurora


MMMNAVY
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/8/2009 3:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Aurora, you know her comment about you not being a good grandparent was just a reflection of her feelings of being an inadquate mother, and has no bearing on your being a good grandma.  Being a good grandma is about loving your grandchild, not about what you can do for them. I think you are going to love your grandkids forever and beyond, and that is what makes a good grandma.


Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

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