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Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/10/2009 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Ugggh! Yesterday was my b-day & it just sucked. And even though today just started, it is not turning out to be much better. My b-day present from my evil mortgage company was telling me they're going to foreclosure court on me. Stupid people. I qualify for that gov't program to get my loan modified for 12 months. The only cost to the bank is the administrative costs to change my payment. The gov't would even subsidize the whole amount of the modification I am asking for, but my evil bank won't even discuss that with me. They asked me to send them a boatload of records (including medical records -- not bills, records) which I have absolutely no intention of sending -- yes, I did check with an attorney before making that decision. I asked what they would do if I sent them the records. They told me they would still foreclose on me. Why would anyone in their right mind give the mortgage company all sorts of records of stuff if there isn't even any point to it? I think that's gotta be the stupidest thing I've heard or read yet from them. "Send us all your pay stubs, bills, bank statements, retirement account statements, itemized list of all your possessions, medical bills, medical records, etc., etc., etc. -- and in return we will give you nothing & take away your house b/c we can't be bothered to give up $1,000 in administrative costs to modify your loan. ARRRGGGHH! It's just so aggravating. No wonder the banks are all failing. They make stupid decisions to give up hundreds of thousands of dollars in interest because of a very minor ($150/month) modification for a 12-month period for one of their borrowers that would be covered by the gov't anyways. It's not even logical. They already have the proof that I lost my job due to a reduction in force, that I was disabled & without pay for 4 months & that my condo assessments went up 300% over the past year. If that doesn't prove that I'm not just trying to scam the system -- well, I don't think any of that other crap they asked for will help.

So the whole thing is just one big nightmare & of course I'm not sleeping much b/c of that. I'm still fighting with my dumb insurance company who can't ever seem to give me the name of an actual endocrinologist. I've gotten oncologists, gynecologists, internal medicine doctors & one proctologist (yeah, that was my favorite). Meanwhile, I'm losing more & more weight by the week. I've gone down another dress size (down from a size 10/12 a year ago to now a size 4 & I'm eating over 2000 calories a day right now, which is not cheap at all, even shopping at the discount grocer & buying local produce). So I'm frustrated about that.

I have some creepy kind of cyst under my eye & I can hardly see out of it. It's driving me crazy b/c every time I blink it hurts. I have an appointment with the eye doctor today to get it removed, but that appointment can't come soon enough! Oh, and my back, which was feeling so much better, has taken a sharp turn for the worse. I've already been for shots earlier this week, but they only helped some & are already wearing off. So I just really feel like everything is piling up on me. Oh yeah, and I got a temp job, but it is so miserable & the work station set up is very uncomfortable & probably is what's hurting my back.

I start a new, happy job next week that will last until the end of the year (unless I find permanent employment with benefits sooner) so that is good. But is just seems like a small, dim light in an otherwise dark & terrifying room. I am so scared -- I mean really terrified scared -- (I think part of that is from not sleeping & part from the hormone craziness) and I just don't know what to do.

I know I need to somehow pull it together & go into work today, but I just feel like I want to die. I am so unhappy right now. I can still argue with myself in my head that I don't really want to die, but I need to figure out how to get some of this pressure off of me b/c I know myself & I'm nearing my breaking point & I don't want to get there. I am trying to be so strong, but these hormone problems are just really screwing with my emotions. Plus my body can't control its temperature so I often wake up shivering or sweating in around 4 or 5 in the morning. A friend loaned me a recording thermometer to see if the temperature in my room is going up in the middle of the night, but it's really very stable; so I guess it's just me & my crazy thyroid. My regular doc has been trying to help me with that, but I think I really just need to get into that thyroid specialist to get the medicine I need.

I'm just so overwhelmed. I don't even know what to ask for, but you guys are always so filled with wisdom & encouragement & stories about yourself so I don't feel like I'm the only crazy, miserable person in the whole wide world. Anything you have to say would be really appreciated.

peace,
frances

Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 6/10/2009 8:06:30 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 6/10/2009 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Frances,

I have to be totally honest with you and to do that I have to say I am at a loss for words. I just hope that things get better for you soon. You are going through so much right now. I wish that I had a magic wand to wave and take this all away for you and make everything all better.

I guess the only advice I can give is to try to take this all one day at a time. Can you refinance with another company that will go with the government help? That just doesn't seem fair that your bank wont accept it and help you. I know that what you are dealing with with your health issues has to be so hard for you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

You are a wonderful person Frances, you are always so supportive on the forum and I am sure that others will come along with some better advice for you than I can give. Just know that I care about you and am saying prayers for you to feel better and for things to work out for you.

I know that it is hard to get in the calories that you need, what about milkshakes and icecream. Can you eat candy? I know that isn't that healthy but it might help.

Know that I am thinking about you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/10/2009 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Does anyone know of any place that offers help for really, really depressed people who aren't suicidal yet?
I have been trying to get help. I can't get any of my family to pick up the phone. The counselors are booked out for the next week. I just really need to get some help now. I don't want to wait until it is a total crisis, because I know that I never ask for help when it gets that horrible. I think there ought to be something out there for when you are in a really horrible place but aren't to the point where you've drawn up a plan.

Any ideas? I really need help.

Thanks.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/10/2009 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen,
Thanks for posting to me. You gave some good advice & I will try it for sure. Right now I am just really feeling like I am being totally crushed & I can't stand it. I had been doing so well fighting against the destructive thoughts, but I feel like they are starting to get the best of me now. I haven't gone into work today b/c it would send me over the edge. But I just can't figure a way out of this. I have tried calling all my family members, even extended family & they are all in meetings or away from their desks or such right now. I just feel so horrible & am trying to figure a way to cut off this line of thinking so it doesn't continue downhill, but I just feel so much like things would be so much better if I weren't alive. I realize that may not be true, but I can't figure a single reason why. Things just feel so horrible & I want to do what's best for me. The problem is that I can only think of one thing right now & I just keep thinking about it over & over & over again.
I don't want to be locked up b/c they take away your pain medicine & that has really set me back (not just with the pain, but with the depression/suicide attempts as well). So I need to come up with an option to get help before that point. I'm sure there must be something, but like I said I can only think of one thing right now & I remember how horrible that was the last time so I'm trying really hard to keep telling myself that I don't really want to try that. But I'm getting worn down. I'm getting really worn down & it just feels like there is no one in the world who can help me. My family isn't around. My friends are all at work. The crisis lines only want to talk to you if you are planning or trying something. I just need to find a voice of reason out there to help me figure a way out of this. But maybe that's too much to ask for. idk.

frances

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/10/2009 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Frances,  I am so saddened to hear of all the problems you are having now.  Especially that you are in pain.  I too don't have that much advice to give. Do you have records or proof that you are eligible for the gov't assistance for your mortgage?  If you do then you can present that to your mortgage co.  And like Karen said can you go to another bank that would be willing to take over your mortgage and work with the gov't program?  You might remind your bank that the $1000 it would cost would be little compared  to the money they would receive if they foreclose.  I would think they would rather have something than nothing. And if they foreclosed they are out all the money and who would buy your condo?  Also, they wouldn't necessarily use your bank to obtain a mortgage.  Your bank looks like the real loser here. Can you get your attorney to help you and at least go to court with you to let the judge know that you qualify for the gov't program?  You said you are working but I assume it is part time and temp work.  I hope you are still getting your unemployment benefits.  Don't give them up for a job that won't last.  You are entitled to make a certain amount of money while still receiving unemployment.  Is there any one in your family that can give you at least some emotional support? Or do you have any friends to talk to?  You need a support system.  Keep bugging the place where you can see a counselor.  I think it is important that you get help.  And I would tell the thyroid specialist office everything that is happening to you and how much weight you are losing.  I would think they would be alarmed and fit you in.  Often the nurses are nice and can find a spot to fit you in.  Also, in terms of taking in calories have you tried to drink Ensure or Boost?  They are liquid supplements and do have calories but have vitamins and minerals to help you. I can't believe any of your family would desert you when you are so in need of help.  Please try to reason with them and if you have to beg them to help you, that you have reached your limit of what you can take.  I do so worry about you. I would like to wish you a happy birthday but I don't know if that is any comfort right now. Please know I think of you and hope and pray for you to have some relief and a better outcome to your situation.  I think if you really qualify for the gov't assistance for your mortgage that the bank cannot deny you. I would really fight that and go to court so they know you are serious about fighting them.  You may be required to give some records to them but I see no reason that they need medical records unless it is to prove that you are on hardship. Please let me know what happens and know how much I care and I will be praying for you.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/10/2009 11:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Aurora,
You are so sweet. I do have an attorney helping me with the evil bank. He said that my bank is the worst of the large lenders & that they almost never agree to even the smallest loan modifications b/c they think it will "reward" irresponsible borrowers. ok, so I was a bit irresponsible, but I can't go back & change the past. I tried to reason with them that $1-2K compared with all the principal that would be outstanding after a sale & all the interest they would still make over the life of the loan ought to be a no-brainer, but they are not reasonable. So I guess I need to just let the attorney explain all of the insanity to a judge or mediator. At least that person should be reasonable & can maybe force, push or prod the bank into working something out with me.
I did tell the endo's office that I am really sick, but they said so are all of the rest of their patients. There are almost no choices for endo's with my insurance company. The insurance doesn't pay the doctors very much, so it's hard to find a doctor at all & the one in my area is overloaded with patients as it is. They did tell me I can call in every morning to see if there were any cancellations for that day, so I guess I will try to do that.
I wish I would have known about the unemployment/temp job issues before. Now I'm in a total nightmare because I made $325 one week with a 4-day temp job filling in for someone on vacation for memorial day week. In IL, you can't make more than $312/week. Well, I think the process is stupid because now, since it is a different employer, I am disqualified from unemployment benefits for the rest of the year. I'm trying to find a number to a live person so I can complain. My UI counselor told me that I had to try to find temp work in order to continue to qualify for benefits. Well, I did that & now they have cut me off. They say it is now a new case b/c my original case was with my permanent employer where I lost my job in April. Now, I have "lost" a job with my temp agency. They're apparently not aware that "temporary" means that you won't actually have a job every week. So I'm trying to round up enough energy to face that, too. But I'm just drained.
I did call my PCP & have an appointment this afternoon, so hopefully, God willing, that will help with something. I just can hardly even stand I am so weak. I'm sure a decent part of this is pure depression, but I think there are likely some physical issues going on as well & I'm not sure whether it's only thyroid problems or also something else.
I will try the Ensure. That sounds like a good plan. I have been drinking milkshakes b/c they also are practically the only thing that settles my stomach. The pain just is not fun either. The nurse said she will sit down with my doctor tomorrow to try to come up with a recommendation for me over the phone, but if it's not very good, I have an email address for him & will tell him that I am in a lot of pain & the pain meds just aren't cutting it right now. He usually is really good about helping me so I don't know what is going on right now.

My family is somewhat supportive, they just all were busy this morning & their phones were set to go straight to voice mail. I don't know why, but sometimes I just feel like I can't wait a second, like I have to do something, and if I can't think of anything productive, that I need to at least do/plan something destructive. I really need to get some sleep. Between the nightmares about jobs, the stress about my home being foreclosed, my loud druggie neighbors (who thankfully were evicted last night :), the severe hot/cold flashes & the pain, I'm just hardly sleeping at all even though I'm on Lunesta. I know everything feels 1000% better when I can get some sleep so I think that definitely needs to be one of the outcomes for my PCP visit today. I also can hardly stand. My legs are so, so, so weak. It could be thyroid/low BP or I suppose it could be depression. Either way, I gotta get that treated as well b/c I can't stay the way I am.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that maybe after I see my PCP & get my goofy eye problem fixed that things will be looking up. I told my temp manager that I can offer to work as a Virtual Assistant from home but that I'm sick as a dog & not in any shape to be around people in an office setting. I'm hoping they will go for that b/c honestly I don't know what else I can do. I'm being pulled in so many different directions right now & need to get some focus before I become unglued. My physical health needs to be number one, with mental health a close second. Then if I can get a job that doesn't make my back pain worse, that would be nice. But I'm just so frustrated right now b/c with all my mortgage troubles, it kinda feels like "what am I working for?". I know work is good for the soul & all that, but I feel like crap & this job (which I really dislike anyways) is stressing me out. I just wish I could close my eyes & wake up when things are better -- but probably everyone wishes for that same thing. :)

I've been feeling a teeny bit less depressed & less destructive thanks to you all, so I think I'm going to head over to the doctors, work up the courage to call in to my boss & then pick up one of those Red Box movies for tonight -- maybe Benjamin Button. They're $1/day & even though it will mean trying to find that dollar somewhere else, I think it's probably a lot cheaper than going crazy & landing in the emergency room. ;)

Thanks again,
frances

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/10/2009 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear frances,

Ouch, I am so sorry to hear of the mutiple issues you have going on.  I wish I had a magic wand but I have read some wonderful advice here and I just want to toss in a few things that you may find helpful.

Here are a couple of numbers for you to try to just talk with someone.  You do not have to have thoughts of harming yourself just have depression issues your dealing with.

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis
800-233-4357

National Mortgage Help Center Website:
 
http://www.nmhcenter.org/?gclid=CK-bv6jKgJsCFSMeDQodoQuedw

HUD's Recovery Act:  http://www.hud.gov/
 
I hope you can find some info here that will help you.
You know your in my prayers.
 
Gentle Hugs
Kitt 

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/10/2009 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Frances, I read your last post and you mentioned IL.  That is the state I live in. You claim you were disqualified for UE because you had a temp job that earned you more than you should.  I think you have a good case to fight them on this.  At any time did they tell you  that you would lose benefits it you made more than a certain amount?  If they did not explain this to you then I think you have to see a manager and get this straightened out.  It's not as if it was a permanent job, it was for a week.  I have been through the unemployment system in IL and most of the people are real dopes, please excuse me but many of them don't know what they are talking about.  If anything it should only have reduced your UE payment by a small amount for the week you worked.  If you are working now make sure you are not earning enough to have them cut back or deny your benefits.  I live outside of the Chicago area and went to a local suburban UE office.  It took all day.  And my employer challenged my benefits because I received severance pay. I had worked for this company for 18 yrs and got let go.  The UE office said that severance is not considered income so they approved my benefits.  You really need to keep fighting this.  You just need to keep going back there until you get the right person to listen to you.  My severance stretched over a period of 6 months which was how long I would get UEI.  I know what a terribly hard time you are having and feeling so ill and in pain and I truly sympathize with you.  But try to be strong and get back there and fight for your rights.  It is something that you have coming to you.  By the way, when you mentioned the gov't and the help with the mortgages, my understanding was that the gov't was only helping people who had Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac mortgages. Not 100% on that but I think that is what I heard on the news. So that is probably why the bank is fighting you so hard on this.  Let's hope your lawyer can straighten this out for you in court.  Glad to know I have a fellow IL friend here. Again, do take the best care of yourself you can and let me know how you are.

Love & hugs,

Aurora


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18776
   Posted 6/11/2009 2:42 AM (GMT -7)   
frances, read your post, i empathise with your situation, do not know how i can help, but to say i am here 4 you. jamie

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 6/11/2009 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   
frances, I feel terrible reading of your troubles. as others suggested maybe you could switch from this evil bank to another or have your lawyer goto court and force them to make the changes that are required. I hope that you will find a way to get your UI back as well, you have to keep fighting with them my friend as aurora says.

about your diet, have you tried pasta or rice? they are full of calories. I hope you find a way to break the pains that you are having, for me usually a very hot bath will to ease the pains, I remember when my foot was hurt and I could not walk on it, putting it in hot water for a little while eased the pain a lot. it also helps you relax. try to get some excersize too, I know you are tiered and week but maybe a 30 minute walk is possible, and it will do you good, then the hot bath I mentioned to try and relax and get the blood flowing.

If you want to talk you already know my e-mail, I can try to listen and understand, please know that I care about you, and I really feel terrible about what is happening to you, but I also have have high hopes in you because I know you can overcome this and find a way out. keep it strong my friend, and may GOD bless you, take care :)

PS: Oh and I'm glad you see the funny side of things like when you mentioned spending 1$ to see the movie insteading of landing in the emergancyu room, I found that funny, despite how bad your situation is , you still find something to smile about, that's good keep the spirits up! and happy birthday even though it wasn't really a happy one for you, I still send you my best wishes for now and the future to come!
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/11/2009 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   

Frances, haven't heard from you so I hope everything is going OK right now.  Akram has a good idea of taking a hot bath and relaxing.  Put in some bath salts or bubbles.  Do you have any soothing or relaxation music you can listen to?  I have CDs for falling asleep, relaxation, and at night I have one of those little machines that plays rain or waves or nature sounds.  It helps me a lot.  Also have you tried using a heating pad where you are hurting or is heat bad for your pain?  If so how about and ice pack - but be sure to wrap the ice pack in a towel.  I imagine it will take a while to hear about your mortgage but I just want to keep in touch with you and make sure you are still hanging in.  Try to lean on your family a little more.  I know you have said you have asked for their help before but you really need a support system that you can depend on.  You can always depend on us for comfort and support but you need someone near you to help out.  Please take care of yourself and don't ever hesitate to post me.  I am here for you.Prayers are being sent to you and I know God is looking down on you. One more thought - is it possible for your lawyer to help you with UEI?  I know he must do a lot for you but maybe he has some ideas of how to get your benefits back.  They truly should not have cut you off.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 6/11/2009 9:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Kitt,
Thanks so much for the numbers.  I will probably call one tomorrow.

All,
You give such wonderful advice.  I am drained right now & am heading to bed.  I have had issues with work & they are running me into the ground with this project.  11 hours of work today & 11 more tomorrow.  Good news is I did get some Synthroid from my PCP plus she found some other probs & so I got other meds as well.  She had plenty of samples so nothing to worry about there. :)  I went to the eye doc tonight since I had to work really late last night.  It turns out I have a massive abcess.  ugghhh!  Sadly, my evil insurance company is hard at work again screwing me out of my owed benefits.  I have sent off some email & will resume the angry phone calls in the morning.  They are all so dumb.  They tell me "Yes, you have had $3K in medical expenses this year, but you have to spend $3K in medical expenses to have a $0 co-pay".  Yeah.  Idiots.  Their computers say I have spent everything needed & there are plenty of anectodal records stating that I should have my prescriptions paid 100%, but they are all too stupid to get past the point that the Y/N box next to "Has the patient met their $3K out-of-pocket maximum, is checked "No".  I told them it's a mistake.  Their own records say that there is a programming error & that my medications should be covered at 100%, but they are making me wait again.  Meanwhile, my tear duct is in danger of rupturing & I am in danger of having permanent damage to my eye... but no big deal, right?  OOOHH, I am so angry with them.

I promise I will get caught up on all your advice & offer support to all of you this weekend.  It's just between this job & having a gazillion different medical problems which all make me tired & depressed, I don't have much energy left in me.  But I appreciate & care about all of you and will remember you all in my prayers as I lay down to sleep.

blessings,
frances


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18776
   Posted 6/12/2009 4:56 AM (GMT -7)   
rest my friend, jamie.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/12/2009 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances,

Words just can’t express how sorry I am for what you’re going through. I hope that you made your way through those long working hours, and that you have some time to rest and recuperate now. Thank goodness you have some Synthroid…..I know your thyroid issues are affecting you in so many ways right now. I honestly don’t have any advice for you beyond what the others have shared…..you’ve really received so many excellent ideas and words of support already…..and to be honest, I don’t have a very good understanding of the way the insurance system works in the U.S., despite the fact that I lived there for a time (it took me over a year to get my green card and then a year later, my health insurance, so I didn’t have much opportunity to go through the motions). One thing I know that I can do for you is pray…..I am a strong believer in the power of prayer, and I pray that you will be granted good health, a steady job that you enjoy, a favourable resolution to your problems with the bank, and many, many peaceful nights of sleep. Please hang onto your faith, Frances, and know that we all care about you very much!

(((hugs))) Raniah
 
Moderator, Depression Forum 
 

“No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night.” ~Elie Wiesel

 

 

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