don't know what to do without making my parents upset

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confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 6/10/2009 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone.
 
I have some good news and bad news. Good news.. I met a guy on eligiblegreeks.com. He seems really sweet. We've been talking online on facebook, texting and calling each other. I've learned my lesson and I'm not going overboard. I thought my mom would like him because he's Greek, but she doesn't. He has a broadcasting degree  (2 year degree and used to work for a radio station). Now is a manager of a sports store. He makes good money. He is going back to school to get his Business degree. He is 28, I am 24. My mom thinks I should be involved with someone who has a 4 year college degree like me. She told my dad and he agrees. My parents don't think I can handle professional school and a relationship. I think I can. I go back to FL on Friday.  This guy asked me to go on a date with him on Saturday and I am going. He's taking me out for dinner. He only lives 25 to 30 min away from my school and apartment. I'm excited to meet him. We've been talking on the phone for like 2 hours almost every day, and texting each other every day. My counselor and psychiatrist  think I should do what makes me happy but just to make sure to get to know him well before becoming intimate with him. I agree. He is considering a relationship with me if the date goes well.  My parents are SO against this.
Bad news.. my dad told me today that his doctor found a lesion on his kidney. :-( He is going to have a biopsy in 2 weeks to see if it is just a cyst or something worse.. I'm so scared. So my dad told me this today. And he told me he is dying and his only wish is for me to focus on school and not on guys. He said that he can't believe I have the energy to go on a date with the bad news about him. Do you think I'm selfish that I'm going out on a date ?  I told my Dad hat I can handle both but my number 1 priority is school. He got mad that I'm going out with this guy. I don't know what to do. Do you think my counselors are right? I feel bad going against what my dad wants. He knows I care about him but he's acting like I don't care about him or school just because I'm going out on a date! I'm so sad! :-( I was in my room crying. My dad came in and told me to promise him that I won't go out with this guy. But I said I'm sorry dad. I can't promise you that. Then he left my room and slammed the door. :-(

NightWish
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/10/2009 6:32 PM (GMT -7)   
First, I'm sorry to hear that your dad has a health condition. I know you this must be very worrisome, and I'm sure you are doing all you can to be a supportive daughter. As far as the dating goes, I'm also 24 and while it would also be important to me that my parents like this guy, I'm an adult and free to date whoever I want. However, what might be making this situation tricky is that if you are living with your parents, you may still need to abide by their rules since they're putting a roof over your head. They may want you to just concentrate on school right now so that you can be that much closer to being financially independent. Know that they are concerned about who you are in a relationship with because they want you to be with someone who is financially stable as well. With that said, I think that as long as you are safe about meeting this guy, by having him come meet your parents before you leave or meeting him in a public place, you have the right to do so. Although it may be stressful at home, only you can decide who you want to date.

Good luck and be safe.

confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 6/10/2009 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much. I just stayed with them for my 6 week summer break. I'm going back to school in FL on Friday. I'm on loans. I agree with you. I just hate disappointing them.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 6/11/2009 2:35 AM (GMT -7)   
u can handle it. sorry about dad, but this is your life we talking about, from a guys perspective he sounds alright. jamie, male, 37. (been round the block) aussie slang for been there! go and have fun. jamie, all the best to you.

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/11/2009 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Ten Essential Online Dating Safety Tips

1. Trust Your Gut Instinct
Your instinct is a powerful medium for knowing when something doesn't feel right. It is also a great way to measure when to move forward with someone and when to turn and run. As you read profiles, responses to emails, have phone conversations, and meet in person your instincts help tell you if something is "right" or if something is out of alignment. The "out of alignment" message is your cue to be careful, back off, or proceed with extreme caution. Trust your gut instinct, it's the most powerful psychological tool you have at your disposal.

2. Don't Provide Personal Information Too Soon
Your home phone number and full name provide easy ways to track who you are and where you live. Armed with just your home phone number, a person can easily gain access to your income information, home address, and even learn the value of your home. Armed with your first and last name, a person can do searches to determine quite a bit of information on you - where you work, what you do, and even what your home phone number is. So in the initial stages of communication, guard your personal information. As far as phone communication, see the next tip.

3. Use a Free Email Account
If you decide to move your communication from the anonymous email feature provided by the majority of online dating services then provide an email address that isn't your regular one. Sign up for a free Yahoo!, Hotmail, or Gmail account that you use just for online dating. Don't put your full name in the From field - only your first name or something else. This protects you from a person being able to search your normal email address to find out more information about you.

4. Use a Cell Phone or Anonymous Phone Service to Chat
When it's time to move your communication to the next level (talking on the phone), never give out your home phone number. Either provide a cell phone number, use
Skype to communicate, or use an anonymous phone service. It's just an added protection barrier until you get to know the person better.

5. Beware of Married People
It's unfortunate, but a lot of married people do use online dating services. They'll even go as far as to meet people. A few years ago, MSNBC reported that a study found that up to 30% of people using online dating services are married! To help you in determining whether a person is married or not, read the Online Dating Magazine article, "
Staying Clear of Married Men".

6. Look for Questionable Characteristics in Your Communication
As you chat via email and on the phone you may be able to start to pick out characteristics of the other person. Are they controlling? Do they seem to anger easily? Do they avoid some of your questions? These can be questionable characteristics that tell you it's time to move on.

7. Ask for a Recent Photo
There's nothing wrong in asking someone if their photos are recent. If they don't have a photo, request a recent one. It's important for you to get a good look at the person you may eventually meet. Plus your instincts from your communications and their photos may provide you with valuable insight into the person. Plus, if they tell you the photo is recent and you meet and see a major difference, then you'll know the person lied and can cut the date short. If a person lies about their photo or profile then that is a red flag to no longer pursue the relationship.

8. Stick With Paid Online Dating Services
Free online dating services provide a greater opportunity for potentially dangerous individuals. They don't ever have to provide a credit card or other information that identifies them. There is some truth to the saying, "you get what you pay for".

9. Don't Get a False Sense of Security
Some online dating services claim to offer "background checks" and when signing up for such a service you may find it easier to let your guard down. Don't. Laws differ from state-to-state when it comes to background checks and there are even several states where checks can't be effectively performed. Because of the inconsistency, criminals/wrong doers can and do get into services that do "background checks". Never let your guard down.

10. Meet in a Public Place for Your First Meeting
When it's time to schedule that first exciting face-to-face meeting, arrange to meet in a public place and provide your own transportation. Your initial meeting will tell you a lot about the other person, including whether or not he/she lied in their profile. Your gut instincts will kick in. Never accept an offer to be picked up at your house. Make sure that a friend knows where you are at and who you are with.


Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/11/2009 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I think pursing a peer relationship, even in the face of your parents issues, is a good idea. But just please do it safely and slowly.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 6/11/2009 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Count me in on the you are an adult and need to live your own life side.

Also, it was unfair of your dad to emotionally manipulate the situation. I am sorry to hear of his health but that is a separate issue than the choices you are entitled to make.

I can tell you from experience that a warm and loving guy who may not have as much education will win out over a highly educated guy who may not be what you want as a person. The love of my life did not go to college at all but he is the most well educated person I have ever met because he is involved in life. He is loving and thoughtful, a great dad and a truly wonderful person. I have a 4 yr degree, a masters degree and a professional certification. We've been married for 28 years and going on.

Follow your brain first, your heart second and live your own life for happiness.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 6/11/2009 4:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks. Today I had dinner with my parents. I'm leaving to go back to FL tomorrow for school. I told my dad I'd pray for him every day. He said he'd pray for me too everyday.. and I said why? He said so I don't open my legs like a ***** with this guy I will be seeing. I immediately started crying and took my food up to my room. I think I will stay here in my room the whole night. I'm so sad. I keep crying :-(

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 6/11/2009 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
confusedgirl22, as others have said education is important but it is not everything and in your case he has a 2 year diploma there is nothing bad with a 2 year diploma as long as he is working hard and making good money there is no shame in that. you parents are really being unresnable but please understand their intensions are good. parents sometimes can be over-protective and they just don't want to see you hurt or used in any way. MMMNAVY's suggestions are good also, be carefull with this guy and trust your gut insticnts. don't let yourself fall in love with him until you are sure of what kind of person he is. make sure to ask him many questions about his life and try and meet his parents or family and see how they live, you can tell a lot about a person from his family and his friends. if he hesitates or doesn't want you to know then that is a bad sign , maybe he has something to hide, so be smart and try to get to know him very well, and don't give yourself up too soon, make sure to let him work for it, I mean don't go to bed with him untill you are very sure about him.

Sorry to hear about your dad, and I hope it is only a cyst and not something worse. about your dad asking to stop seeing that guy, tell him you are only friends and that your not sure yet and you just want to get to know him, maybe that will ease the situation with your dad. tell your dad how you will be carefull with him and you will not do something you will regret doing, because you are an adult and you know what you are doing.

I hope you will have better days soon, good luck to you and thanks for sharing with us again, keep posting and let us know how things develop, specially about your dad as I am worried about him.
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 6/12/2009 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all. Something bad happened yesterday. After dinner when I went to my room after the mean comment my dad made, the greek guy called me and we talked. Then my mom knocked loudly on my door and heard me. She came in yelling at me calling me a ****. She told my dad and they both came in my room and pinned me on my bed to take my phone away from me. They kept calling me ill and sex-obsessed. I told them I wasn't talking about sex with him but they still got angry. They think girls and guys shouldn't be talking at midnight or any time later regardless. I really wasn't talking about sex with him. We haven't had that convo. We talked about music and our days. As they were trying to get the phone away from me, my mom grabbed my legs and my dad bit my back. They took the phone away from me and wrote that guys number down on paper. They threatened to call him. I cried hysterically and said please don't. They said they wouldn't but they would one day. I'm so scared. I'm so hurt. They kept calling me the s-word and told me that all I care about is sex. They finally gave me my phone back. I'm going back to school in FL today. I told the guy what happened. He thinks I should not put up with them anymore and that he still wants to see me. I need some advice please. My parents are saying that they are doing this for my own good and that I can't control myself when it comes to sex. I know I can control myself if there's no alcohol involved and I'm not drinking anymore. I'm taking it slow with this guy. My parents think I'm the one who is crazy because I am seeing a psychatrist. Do you think they are the ones crazy? Is their behavior abusive? I'm 24 years old and on loans. I feel like never coming back to OH to visit again after what they did last night. I'm so hurt.   

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 6/12/2009 8:05:15 AM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/12/2009 7:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Their behavior is definitely over the line. You are well beyond the age when you're old enough to make your own decisions about relationships anyway and for them to get physical with you is not only rude, but for your dad to BITE you is ridiculous. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're on your way back to school.

While you're at home, play it really cool with your boyfriend. Try not to call him while you're in your parents' house, you'll only agitate the situation more. Explain to him what's going on and that you'll be in touch when you get back to school.

Refuse to talk about it with your parents. If they bring it up, tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not discuss it with them further and leave the room. It is one thing to owe your parents respect, but they must respect you as well. They have clearly lost perspective and are abusing you by calling you names and hurting you.

I wish you luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/12/2009 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Their behavior at the very least is criminal restraint and biting is assult. You can file an information report with the police, so it shows a pattern of behavior, but with the biting I would press charges if you have bruises. Partly I think at least filing an information report with the police will show that you are not the only one with a problem here. The problem is their behavior and how that effects you due to their abuse. That way they cannot try to falsely imprison you (again). I do not think you should tell them about going to the police, just a suggestion for your own safety.

Let us be very clear here: No One Has the Right to Hurt You! You do not have to tolerate their criminal behavior at all and never again.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 6/12/2009 8:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,

I agree with everybody else. When you are with your parents, don't have any contact with your friend. They are acting irrational and being very abusive. Mentally and physically. did your dad break the skin with the bite? You could get a horrible infection if he did. The human mouth is the dirtiest thing. So please keep an eye on that.

You don't deserve this treatment. But I do understand their concern. You meet a lot of guys on the internet and need to be careful sweetie. You dont' really know them. But it does sound like he is a nice guy. Just be careful. Meet him in a place where there are a lot of people. It will be safer for you that way. I myself, wouldn't go to the internet to meet men. You just don't nkow what you are getting into.

I hope that your dad is going to be okay. But right now I am angry about what they did to you, so I don't want to go into that.

Keep studying, don't let your social life interfere with your schooling. You can balance that out, I am sure.

Take care my dear friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


JeannieM
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 6/12/2009 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Go for it!! Try not to worry about what your parents think, easier said then done I know!! I'm 39 and still worry about it. I did worse then you! I got pregnant by a man who my parents thought were beneath me. Even though I was 29 at the time, not living at home, had a good job, etc. My parent still treated me like an unmarried 13 yr old who got pregnant. Even though we have been married 10 yrs now to hear my mom talk it's not going to last, etc. What really cracks me up is the hold my mom had on me is broken and of course that's my husband's fault. I've changed and not for the good according to her. For many years it was you'll never amount to anything, look at your brother, he's smarter/funnier/more popular/makes more money then you. He's got a GREAT wife, not a looser like you married. My husband said that from the day he met her, he could see how she treated me so different then my brother and my goal in life was to please her. Sorry this jumps around so much.

I understand where you are coming from, no parent should abuse a child in any way and the scars from emotional abuse never goes away

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 6/12/2009 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
confusedgirl, I'm very sorry to hear what happened, I agree with MMMNAVY that you should file a report with the police , but don't tell your parents. also I agree with the others that you can't talk to this guy infront of your parents anymore or even in the house just so you can be safe from them, yes it is a sad thing to do but you have no choice, your safety is more important. and don't talk about him with your parents again, untill you are out of their house and have your full fredmon, by that time it won't matter anymore. their behavour is uncalled for , and over protective. all of this is just because of a 2 year diploma? come on.. they are taking it too far.

well I hope things will get better for you in the future, good luck and keep us posted , take care :)
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


Kali-Nikki
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/13/2009 12:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi confusedgirl. I am deeply sorry that you have to be going through all of this. Let me give you some real talk now girl. You are 24. you are a grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions. Your parents have already lived their life the way they chose to. It's your turn and only you know what is the right move for you. I know what it is like trying to please parents and i know the guilt that may come with it if you disappoint them. But girl there's a time in your life when you realize you gotta do what you gotta do for YOU. I am not telling you to be disrespectful to them but they should respect your wishes too. I got really mad when i read what happened the other night with them. Girl that is ABUSE and you should not take it anymore. You need to make a stand. Listen some music that speaks to you and do what is right for you. Please keep in touch. And i think you should go out with this guy. okay.

farewellstand
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 6/13/2009 2:58 PM (GMT -7)   
confused girl,
I agree with those who have said that you should file a police report. But I disagree that you should cut off contact to your friend when you are with your parents during school breaks. I think instead you should try to find somewhere else to go during breaks. This is coming from someone who had to go back to an abusive step dad during college breaks and wished that he had stayed with friends instead. Please live your own life and do not be afraid to upset your parents, as they have, by their behaviour proved themselves unworthy of your trust.
all the best,
FS
" a love that moves the sun in heaven and all the stars; this is just a fraction of what is rightfully ours"
Male 32 Depression, Anxiety, Celexa, Klonapin


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 6/13/2009 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Confusedgirl,
I think you have gotten a lot of great advice already from others. The only thing I would add is to consider whether you have somewhere else to stay. If you can move in with a friend, or stay at your college year round, then doing whatever you want whenever you want (while still considering your personal safety) is not a bad plan. If you rely on your parents for housing when school is not in session, perhaps it would be best to put the relationship on hold until you can set up a place to live.

Since you're 24, your parents are not required to pay for school or supply housing or anything else anymore. It would be nice to think that they would continue to do those things even if you disagree with them on certain points, but I would encourage you to think through whether or not you could live with the likely consequences of going your own way or filing a police report. The police won't necessarily tell your parents about the report, but they do sometimes & that could definitely further inflame the situation. I agree that biting is way over the top unacceptable, but sometimes what's best in the short-term may not be what's best in the long-term. I do think that at a minimum you need to have a talk with your dad (& maybe your mom) about that regardless of how sick your dad is & regardless of how unacceptable they think your behavior is, there is NEVER an acceptable justification for biting another person. He needs to agree not to ever do that again, or I would say you should not visit with them. That is not a safe environment. Karen is right that you should keep an eye on the bite if he broke your skin. Maybe get checked out by a doctor or campus health services & be sure to keep it cleaned & dressed in the meantime.

Please let us know if there is anything else I or any of the others can do to support you. Take care of yourself.

peace & prayers,
frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 6/17/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your support. I'm too scared to file a police report because my dad is ill. But he did apologize to me after not talking to me for a few days. I'm still upset with him though. He had no right to bite me and act the way he did. The bite did not cause any breaking of my skin or bleeding so I think I'm ok.

However, I went on my date. I had expected more. We had dinner and sat and talked by the beach. I didn't feel chemistry that night eventhough I think he's a very sweet guy. But after hanging out with him 2 more times, I feel the chemistry now. We are dating but I'm scared to tell my parents about it or even post it on my facebook since my sister has facebook. Especially since we just started dating. He is so kind and sweet to me. He treats me really well. However, I don't know for sure yet if he's going back to school because he's happy with the money he makes. He said he wants to go back to school though. I know I can do better and find a guy with a higher education like me and who is better looking. Eventhough at first I thought he was just average looking (he has a big nose), now the more I hang out with him I'm more attracted to him and think he's above average. Am I making a mistake by being with him? I love spending time with him and kissing him. I think it's weird how each time I see him I become even more attracted to him. Eventhough I'm happy, in some ways I'm sad because I can't be honest with my parents. Advice please.

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 6/17/2009 9:47:44 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 6/17/2009 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,

I dont' think you should say anything to your parents yet. Just take this relationship one day at a time and see where it goes. Big noses can be attractive. lol...

I hope that you can be happy with this guy. Try not to take it too serious at first. Just let it play out the way that it is meant to be.

Keep studying and work on yourself. You are into a really good field, and I think that you will go far.

Take care my friend.

Hugs Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 6/17/2009 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Confusedgirl,
I really do not want to tell you what to do, because I think you are of an age that you can make discisions for yourself. I am concerned that this unhealthy relationship that you have with your parents is effecting you in your dating life. What does your therapist say about that? I am really concerned about your safety around them.

I think holding judgement based on physical appearance of a guy is something that is your call (sometimes hormones can put you in the right direction or they can lead to some other directions). I can say usually the more time you spend with someone the more attractive they will be to you. Don't ya just love phermones?

I think it is very natural to feel upset with your parents, after all what they did was a crime against you.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 6/18/2009 5:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I will know what she thinks about this behavior then.

I am officially dating this guy. I'm starting to feel chemistry with him now. I texted my mom telling her I like him and that I'm keeping my options open. I wanted her to just accept the fact. But she got upset and me where he worked and I told her. Then she looked up the place and called it pretending to be a lady from a Honda dealership asking for his job title and how long he's been working there. The manager said that he's been working on and off for a few months and that he works in the stock room

Then my mom told me everything and I immediately started crying. She told me that I fell for a stock boy. She called him a liar and a con artist. I called him and told him what my mom did. He thought my mom was crazy. He was upset. He said he's not the manager anymore (which I already knew since he had gone to Greece for a year and lost the position). But working in the stock room doesn't mean he's a stock boy he said. Then I went to his house and he called his district manager. He had her on speaker. She said she is offering him a manager position again. Then he was like "see? I'm not lying." Then I texted my mom and she wanted me to fax one of his pay checks to her. So I did. Once he becomes manager he will be making around 40 to 50 K. Right now he just makes 14 dollars per hour. My parents kept calling me and texting me while I was trying to study today. I faxed her the pay check but she still didn't approve. She texted me saying that her, my dad and my sister want nothing to do with me anymore and that they aren't giving me money. They said that I will be living in poverty. I told her I'm just dating him.. I don't know what will happen. As I was at starbucks studying, he was quizing me. As I got my mom's texts I started crying and he got sad too. But my friends here think I did the right thing. If it wasn't this guy, it would have been another guy down the road. They need to realize they can't treat me like this. Did I do the right thing? Am I settling for less like my mom said? I'm so sad.

Here is a copy of the e-mail my mom sent me...
Why are you doing this to yourself? Dont you have any self respect that you will stoop so low to date a stock boy that makes $14 an hr. He cant even pay rent with that after taxes thats why he lives with his parents. He is a loser. Of course he is nice to you he is dating you because you're going to be a doctor. Why doesnt he date a cleaning lady making $5 an hr? He is no fool.

I really cant deal with all this drama it is affecting my health. I cant sleeep at night, I have your dad to worry about his diabetes is over the roof even with insilin and monday we will find out if there is more cancer. I have bigger things to worry about. Apparantly you have no standards you will date just about anyone. I dont want to know anything more about him. I dont care. Just dont call me to complain about school or about him or that you ran out of money. If you have so much time on your hands go find a job.

I am trying to open your eyes but you are in a fog. I am a realist not superficial. $14 an hr. cant pay rent or put food on the table for a family or help pay your loans.I can guarantee that a relationship that starts with lies will not go anywhere. If at 29 he still does not have a bachelors degree he will not amount to much. My friend Vaso went against her parents and she lived to regret it. whats the big rush when the time comes that you are graduating you will find someone compatible to you. This guy is not it. Please dont tell me anymore about him I really dont care. I have tried and tried and you dont get it.


Advice please!

Post Edited (confusedgirl22) : 6/18/2009 7:01:54 PM (GMT-6)


NightWish
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/18/2009 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Well the good thing is that it sounds like your mom doesn't want to hear anything more about your dating status, so that's good. I think it's mean that she is threatening to no longer support you financially if you continue dating him. Just realize they may never accept a man you are with. He may never be good enough. Even if he has a degree, they might be upset that it isn't the "right" degree. If you continue to let them control your dating life, you may end up marrying someone who has all the money in the world but treats you terribly or you may just not be happy due to a lack of chemistry. Plus, just because someone has money at one point in time doesn't mean they will always have it. The same goes for someone who doesn't have a lot of money one day, but then with the right career move, could really end up pretty well off. To conclude, I don't think I have to convince you that money isn't everything. You're 24 years old and should do what you want, with or without the support of your parents. Your loans can be paid back without their help. Once you become a doctor, you should be able to pay them back without a problem, all on your own.
Purple Text “Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” -Tori Amos


confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 6/19/2009 2:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your support. I just don't know what to do. I'm sad. My parents haven't contacted me all day.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/19/2009 5:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confusedgirl,

I’m so glad you are keeping up with your therapist….you need that source of support right now, with all that you’re going through. I have to say, I continue to be unpleasantly surprised at what is going on with your parents, and I will try to write a reply that is not just a diatribe against their parenting skills, although frankly, it will be difficult. :-/

At your age, you have the right to make your own decisions, and that includes choosing who you will date. I think it is very sad that your parents are threatening to jeopardize your academic career and possibly your very living conditions by withdrawing financial support at this point in your schooling. It’s also sad that they are threatening to “have nothing to do with you”, and withdraw whatever family support you might have, as well. To do this as a means of controlling who you date is not only inappropriate, IMO, it is emotional blackmail. I don’t like saying this, but I think your parents have a very unhealthy sense of boundaries.

I’m feeling unsettled at the idea that your mom pretended to be a staff person at Honda in order to inquire about your boyfriend’s work status. To speak to his manager under the guise of being a financial officer or car salesperson is unethical and an invasion of his privacy. Again, this is a situation of unhealthy boundaries, and it is totally inappropriate behaviour.

I’m surprised that your boyfriend was agreeable to having you fax his paycheck to your mom, but by doing this, it is obvious to me that he is trying to help you get through this by whatever means possible. I just feel awful that his personal records have to be put on the line like this as a basis for whether or not you are ‘allowed’ to date him. You are old enough to make up your own mind about the men you date, and this kind of interrogation and ‘evidence gathering’ is way over the top! Yes, there are some men out there who will take advantage of women, but your boyfriend has been up front about his situation with you and your parents, and I don’t see any kind of deception going on here. In any event, this should be YOUR decision, not theirs.

I think you should give some thought to what Frances said about possibly staying with a friend, or staying at your college full-time, instead of living at home during your breaks. I don’t know if this would be feasible for you, but from a mental/emotional standpoint, I think it would be healthier for you.

The fact of the matter is that you cannot change your parents’ viewpoints on this situation……that is crystal clear, from everything you’ve posted since this started. You will have to decide if you can continue living there under the current circumstances, or if you should look for another place to live, and perhaps try to find a way to take a loan or somehow finance the remainder of your education by yourself. This is such a sad situation, and I feel very badly for what you’re going through. Sometimes our parents behave in a way that is really damaging to us, and we have to make some distance in order to live our lives to the fullest extent. You have a right to be happy, and I hope you will keep your own best interests at heart while you make your choices. Good luck to you…..and please keep us posted. (((hugs)))
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

 

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