God give me strength

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wordbird
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/16/2004 6:38 PM (GMT -7)   
I finally had the courage to talk to my roomate and my friends about the terrible depression I have been in.  It was soooo hard and now its up to me where I go from here.  I need to somehow find the strength within me to pull myself back and up live again.  I am so scared because I don't feel like I have the strength!  Their advice to me was get out and walk...which I don't feel like doing but I know it will help.  Also I need to like myself and enjoy being by myself.  How in the world am I gonna do this???  I really hate myself and I wish I had it in me to change who I am...but I'm not sure if I do.  I just know I'm tired of being so sad, of thinking each day that maybe it's my last.  I tired of letting everyone else down, but mostly myself.  I want to live...I want to be liked!  I want to be a good mom, a good friend, a good person.  I want to be a strong person who doesn't break down at the drop of a hat!  I want to like who I am!  God, please just give me the strength!  I've been sick with this depression for so many years...I have missed most of my life!  I don't want to fight anymore but somehow I think the fight be go on as long as I am alive.  So, basically, I just need the strenght to continue the fight!  Please pray for me until such a time that I can hopefully pray for myself! Thanks! eyes Wordbird

Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 9/16/2004 7:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Wordbird I'm glad you talked to your roommate and friends about what you're going through. That must have been really hard. Do you mean they asked you to leave? as in move out?? Sorry that part isn't clear to me. I don't understand how they could ask you to leave if that is the case and as well asking to go especially when you told them what was going on??? Wow.

You not alone here, so keep posting, we'll all help you. Please find a therapist to talk to about your thoughts, depression and it will help you get better. Don't ever give up no matter how hard it is. You're alot stronger than you think!! I can feel that in your writing! You are a good mom, a good friend and a good person. Just right now you are not yourself and you need to allow yourself time to heal...No guilt, no beating up on yourself! I am thinking of you and sending you some good energy! Hugs!!

Red09


wordbird
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/16/2004 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry!  I must not have been clear about the get out and walk comment...they meant as in excercise!  They did not ask me to leave...sometimes I'm afraid they will cause I am an awful lot to put up with.  A few months ago I got on a excercise program...I went swimming twice a day, ate better, and actuallt moved.  I felt so much better emotionally, physically, in lots of ways.  Since this last depression has taken hold I don't want to do much of anything.  I want to eat and nothing else, food has always been a drug for me...very bad!!!  Anyway, I have gained back all the weight I lost and I feel horrible!  I know I need to excercise again..I just need the strength to begin when its really the last thing I feel like doing!
wordbird 

Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 9/16/2004 7:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Aww Wordbird, it's going to be okay. You can do this, I know you can and keep posting here and we'll all help you through this! Losing weight is hard let alone the motivation of going out and making yourself exercise when you don't want to! Do some yoga at home that will help the mind, body and soul. It's a start. Talk to your doctor about CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy. This will help you get back to where you can be, feeling better about yourself as well as re training your brain to think more positively. It's hard work but you can do it! I feel your desire to get better for you as well as for your daughter.

Keep posting!
All the best.
Red09




flea
New Member


Date Joined May 2004
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 9/20/2004 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wordbird,

You are in my prayers....it must be tough to always have to go through bouts of depression on a regular basis. ALthough I don't have depression on a regular basis, I am however depressed at the moment . I am depressed because of my recent divorce...I was only married for 9 months.

Hang in there!

Hebrews13:5

He will not in anyway fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support

Bryce
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 9/25/2004 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wordbird,
 
I'm sorry for the pain that you feel. I've felt like you too many times and some of it very recently. Do you pay attention to what you say to yourself on an hourly basis? Do you understand what is causing your pain? Is it physical or emotional pain that you feel? If it is emotional, who is causing the pain, yourself or someone else? Can anyone else cause us emotional pain without our permission? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but trying to get you to think about who is causing the pain you feel.
 
I can relate 100% to honestly thinking that I need the approval and love of others to feel okay about myself. I have thought this way for so long that it is hard to break the habit of thinking this way. The truth is that I grew up dependent upon the approval of others in order for me to feel okay about myself. We all want to be liked and esteemed by others, but there is a balance in getting our own needs met from ourself and being liked or approved by others. What has caused much of my emotional pain has been the way that I have thought. I finally decided that I had to change how I thought or die. Dying didn't seem like a reasonable alternative. When I began to change how I thought I started to recover. I still have a good ways to go, but the road I have started out on is working for me. It's called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT and simply means restructuring and changing how I think and what I think about. Some of it involves journaling my thoughts, looking for lies in my thinking and then writing down a different thought which is more loving, compassionate, and more truthful about myself to replace the negative thought. Some of it involves learning to love and accept myself unconditionally, forgiving myself and others for failures, letting go of guilt, learning to live in the present instead of the past or the future, lowering expectations, learning how to deal with anger, how to stand up for myself when I need to, and how to stop trying to control everyone and everything in my life. There are a lot of life skills it teaches which I was not aware of which has helped me recover significantly from the depression and anxiety which had me bound in a prison. Have you ever worked with CBT?
 
I'm also curious as to how you grew up. You say your depression started at 11. Was there an event which precipitated it? I see that you hate yourself and this is one of the root causes of your pain, in my opinion. You can learn to love yourself. I know it isn't easy because of the way we have thought about ourselves for so long.  My guess is that the way you think is causing your pain. The reason therapy doesn't last is because you begin to change your thinking, then fall back into the old painful patterns. I believe there is hope for you. But it doesn't fall out of the sky. We have to work at it. I think you trying to finish and publish your books is an excellent start on helping you feel better about yourself. I also think CBT would be of great help. You don't necesarrily need anyone else, but you do need some resources such as books or home courses, something to help us chart a course for recovery and give us the tools and a plan to recover. Therapists can help us as guides, but we have to do the work. I just wanted to say that I think there is a way out. These boards are of immense value also because of the support we receive from those who have walked or are walking in our shoes. What I have said is not set in stone. But, I hope you will consisder what I have said. I need to be reminded of the same often. You aren't alone in your struggle. Hope you get to feeling better. Just remember, it won't fall out of the sky into your lap. It will be the result of your own effort.

HW_laura_s_2002
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 116
   Posted 9/25/2004 9:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wordbird,

It's been a while since I have seen you around. How is your daughter doing? I haven't been to the site in a little while and I just seen some of your post today for the first time. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with the depression. I know it's been a long road for you but you can't give up the fight. You are stonger then you think you are.

How's the move you made to the south? I know it's been a little while since you have made the move. Has your daughter adjusted well to the change?

As you can see I am still with the site. I guess they can't get rid of me. Keep watching for depression chat. Now that the weather is changing I want to start doing chats again. I haven't decided if I'm going to have them on Friday nights or Saturday Nights
"It is not easy to live life sometimes and face the world with a smile when you're crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength that's still there, and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. But if you can hold on long enough to see this through, you'll come out a new person - stonger, with more understanding and with new pride in yourself from knowing you made it"       Kathy Obara
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