Forbidden Love...Complications Indeed.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

cedabug
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 6/17/2009 3:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so very frustrated! I cannot even function correctly. Me and my forbidden boyfriend had a big arguement last night. By forbidden I mean I wasn't supposed to be with him for 7 of our 12 months of being together. You can read about it in my other thred[to love or not to love?] Anyways, last night I told him that I love him but I was having a hard time dealing with the long distance. We can never see each other when we want. I love him enough to deal with it but it is extremely frustrating. When I told him this, he assumed that I was going to break up with him. He wouldn't even let me get a word in. He just started yelling at me telling me he wasn't going to let me go. I kept trying to stop him to tell him I wasn't breaking up with him but he wouldnt stop. He went on about how we've been through too much for us to end and that our love is strong enough to make it. He started crying and kept telling me that he was sorry for any complications that we've been through together and that everything was all his fault. I was crying because he was yelling at me and because I didn't realize that he felt this strongly about the love we shared. I knew he loved me deeply, but I didnt know that he had all these emotions held inside. Next, he said that he would go out and get a job[he's 16]then I could get emmancipated[permission from a judge not to have my parent's permssion to move out on my own]He said that we would move in together and he would support me. I finally got a word in and I told him that I loved him and I would never leave him. I told him I only meant that I was frustrated with some of the aspects of our relationship. Then it got really quiet and then he yelled out loud ,"****!!!". [The word with an F].I jumped. I was kind of scared. I had never heard him so angry. I asked him what was wrong then it was quiet again. i said hello. Then I heard his voice again,"Nothing man. I love you." Then he just hung up in my face. I tried calling back but he's ignoring all my calls. I haven't talked to him since last night. I am totally disfunctional. I have no clue what to do.
Please Help.Somebody?Anybody? cry
 
I really need some advice.
->Raniah<-I would really appreciate if you gave some advice, since you already know the situation with this forbidden love. PLEASE.I need help...

"Time is but a mystery, the question is of Me."

-quote by Me, Cedabug.[nickname]


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 6/17/2009 5:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Cedabug,

I want to support you, but I must admit that I am a bit concerned about the relationship. Putting that aside, it is really unrealistic to say that you could get emancipated. I used to counsel youth on that process in different states & it is nearly impossible for anyone younger than 17 to get emancipated. It is very, very difficult even for 17-year-old youths to get emancipated. It is a long & costly court process to do that. You have to be able to show that you on your own have the ability to cover all your expenses -- housing, food, clothing, laundry, health insurance/medical expenses, transportation, utilities, etc. -- that you are able to make complicated decisions about life issues on your own or that you are able reliably turn to a number of knowledgeable advisers for assistance, that you have been able to hold down a stable job for an extended period of time (typically a minimum of 12-15 months) and that you are emotionally healthy & mature enough to handle living on your own. There is no reversal once the decision to emancipate is made (i.e., if you somehow can't afford to live on your own, your parents can't be forced to help you), so judges take the cases very seriously. Generally, the only people who are approved for emancipation are teen celebrities who usually get emancipated for tax or legal purposes, rather than to find a way to overrule their parents' wishes.

I do want to support you and let you know that there are people who genuinely care about you. I think your boyfriend is probably just going through normal teenage stress. Maybe you could try taking a few days apart for both of you to cool off & think things through. From my experience, situations like the one you describe (esp. based on your prior posts) are temporary. I know you feel like your parents are not any help with the situation (& perhaps they aren't), but I'm wondering whether there are other adults who you know & trust who might be able to offer you some guidance with your situation. Maybe a teacher, a counselor, a coach, or another relative (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.).

I hope that helps & I do wish you well. :)

peace,
frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/17/2009 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with Frances and I think that if this relationship is meant to be, that you will be together in the future. You will be able to wait until you are old enough to get out on your own. In life, things are like that. They have to be able to withstand the lengths of time in order to be so. So if this relationship is meant to be it will last. If not it just wasn't meant to be my friend.

I think also that you should give eachother some space for a few days and see what happens. I didn't like the tone of his side of the phone call. He is very emotional and that might not be healthy for you.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/17/2009 7:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cedabug,

I think Frances has given you some excellent advice. She has a wealth of knowledge in this area, and she really knows what she’s talking about! I agree with her, and with Karen (another very wise woman!), when they suggest that you should just take a bit of time and let things settle down a bit. I also agree that you should find someone….an adult….to talk to about this….someone you can trust who will listen and give you an objective opinion about your situation and the options available to you. Some sort of counseling, whether it be from a teacher, a therapist, a clergy person, a relative, a friend’s parent….whatever….would be really beneficial to you right now.

Here’s my take on your boyfriend’s reaction: I think he feels very much in love with you, and those emotions can be really intense. In fact, speaking from my own experience, love relationships at your age are probably more intense and complicated than some love relationships which come at a later stage in life. I think he is overwhelmed by these emotions right now, and I think he is frustrated just like you are that you can’t see each other. I really believe his outburst was just sheer frustration mixed with an intense desire to be with you. I do believe he still loves you…..that much is clear…..and I think perhaps he is taking some time to deal with these heavy feelings right now and trying to figure out what to do to make things better for both of you. That would be my guess.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest to you as far as finding ways to see your boyfriend behind your parents’ backs. As I said in your other thread, this could cause huge problems for you at home, and I would hate for that to happen to you. I thought if maybe you two were involved in some sort of group activity together (like athletics or a community thing of some sort) that your parents might accept that, since you would not be alone and you would be productively involved in something, but I now know from your other posts that this would not be possible.

So….it looks like you have some choices to make, Cedabug. You can choose to communicate with him as you have, by phone or internet (I am assuming) and wait until school starts again to see him, or you can risk going behind your parents’ backs (which I can’t advise on a clear conscience) and possibly lead an even more restricted lifestyle than the one you’re leading now if/when you get caught. I know putting the relationship on hold is not an option for you or him, since you both feel so strongly for each other. The fact of the matter is that your parents have forbidden you to see this guy, and from everything you’ve said up to this point, they are actively monitoring your every move, and will undoubtedly catch you if you try to sneak around. It’s very sad, and I feel awful for you. I know, because I’ve been there myself, how painful this is for you, and I am really, really sorry. When situations like this come up in life, we have to look at the facts and work within that framework. You can’t control the way your parents feel…..all you can control is the way you handle this.

Give your boyfriend some time to cool off, and if you feel that you can have a calm conversation with him, discuss your choices with him. I know your choices are very limited, but as I said, you have to work within the framework you’ve been given. I know the next two months seem like a long time for you now, but if your relationship is meant to be, you and your boyfriend will survive this.

Do you have an adult in your life who you could talk to and trust with your feelings? If so, please consider doing this. You’re going through something really tough, and it’s hard to do it alone. Of course, you can always come here and talk. I just wish I had a better solution for you right now. It’s hard at your age….I really do remember…..and I know you’re hurting. Just know that this hurt will not last indefinitely, and things will work out the way they are supposed to. Please hang in there, Cedabug, and know that we really care about you! (((hugs)))
 
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 

“No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night.” ~Elie Wiesel

 

 


cedabug
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 6/17/2009 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances: Thank you so much for your honesty. That means a lot to me. To be honest, even if I could be emancipated I don't think I would go down that roud. Even though I am certain that I know what's best for me concerning being in this relationship, I am well aware that I could never make it on my own. Thank you for adding even more common sense to my brain in you response;)An I will take your advice and take a while to let things cool down. You helped. Thank you.
 
Karen: Thank you also. You made me analyze whether or not I thought our relationship is strong enough to withstand the length and distance. I do believe it is. We'll see. Oh, and when I get the chance to talk to him again, I will try to address the issue with his tone on the other end of the phone line. I'll keep you updated. Thanks.
 
Raniah: I too agree with Frances in her points about emancipation. I've already made a pre-decision on that...not gonna happen. Your second paragraph: i want to thank you for having faith in our relationship and our love for each other. Thank you for giving me some ideas of his reason for his tense reaction. It helped me to understand more. I'm still not sure about the decisions I'm going to make pertaining to the visitations between us two. I want to see him of course, but I've been thinking about what you were telling me about causing a worse situation and homw environment for myself and I don't want that to happen. Right now, I'm thinking I won't be able to see him much at all this summer. It will be okay though. We can get through this. I am confident...thanks to you. I'll give him some time to cool off and think. I'll let you know what happens....P.S. I care about you guys too.
 
Thank you guys. Your opinions and advice really helped. I'll be sure to keep posting.
 
Luv and best wishes to you three. Thank you.
"Time is but a mystery, the question is of Me."

-quote by Me, Cedabug.[nickname]


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/18/2009 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that you took what we said to heart. We do care about you and want the best for you.

Best wishes for a wonderful day...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/18/2009 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cedabug,

You sound very positive and confident in your post, and that's a wonderful thing. :-) You've got a good head on your shoulders, and a loving heart, and I'm really glad you started posting here. Please let us know how things go, okay?
 
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 

“No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night.” ~Elie Wiesel

 

 


Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 6/18/2009 7:40 PM (GMT -7)   
hello cedabug, I'm glad that you had some great advice from the ladies here, and I'm sorry to hear about the troubles in your relationship. sounds like you both have strong affections for each other, like karen said if it's strong enough it will last and you will be 18 in no time and be able to be be on your own and do what you want. btw what is it about the boy that your parents don't like? is it related to religion or ethinc group? or they just want to protect you as you are still too-young to have a relationship like that?

good luck to you, and let us know what happens..
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


cedabug
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 6/18/2009 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
  confused  To be honest, I really don't know why my parents don't like him. It really frustrates me not knowing why they feel so strongly about the relationship. I guess it may be because they are over-protective of me because they haven't raised a girl before me so we're both learning at the same pace. I'm not sure, but I'm really trying to understand.
 
 
-I'll keep you updated
"Time is but a mystery, the question is of Me."

-quote by Me, Cedabug.[nickname]


NightWish
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/18/2009 10:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi cedabug,

I was in relationship with very similar circumstances when I was about your age. Just trying to see things from your parents perspective as I approach my mid-twenties, it may be hard for them to see you in a serious relationship right now just because you're so young. Being young doesn't mean you can't understand what love is, but the experiences I've had through college, grad school and pursuing a career have allowed me to grow, find out more about who I am, and know what I want in a relationship. Looking back, I'm glad my parents told me to keep my options open because I never knew then the people I would meet and the things I would do after I graduated from high school. Being a single adult and free to explore and meet new people is a fun time in your life because you can have a sense of freedom that you can't have when you're seriously dating and basing all of your decisions on what is best for the relationship. I think your parents just want to make sure you are keeping your options open and making choices that are best for YOU.

From my personal experience, long distance certainly complicates things even further, no matter what your age. It places an automatic stress-factor into the relationship when you aren't able to see each other in person and puts a lot of pressure on when you'll actually get to see each other. It also creates a separation in your lives when you can't share your everyday experiences with each other. If you start noticing that you're avoiding social get-togethers with your friends so you can talk with him on the phone or online, it may be a sign of an isolating or unhealthy situation for you.

I don't mean for this message to sound discouraging, but when I read your situation, I couldn't help but give my opinion since I've been through it and even though I don't know you, I do sense that you are a very caring and thoughtful individual and I want you to be happy :-) Maybe letting him know that you need to take a break to sort things out might be good for you, so you can see if you feel better spending more time with your friends and being at peace with your parents.

Hugs,
NW
Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. -Tori Amos

Post Edited (NightWish) : 6/18/2009 11:38:40 PM (GMT-6)

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Thursday, December 08, 2016 1:07 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,734,543 posts in 301,224 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151337 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, hellokd10.
165 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
whatdoigotDOC!, Sarebear89, maria2016, platinumpixie


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer