My wife is depressed and now we're on the verge of divorce -- Need advice.

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/19/2009 1:22 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife is suffering from depression. I am sure of it. She has had episodes on and off since her Grandmother passed away 10 years ago. We’ve been married for 9 years and she can’t have children. After years of trying to get her to seek help she finally started anti-depressants, but not under the care of a psychiatrist, her General Practitioner wrote the script.

A month ago, after she had been on the meds for only about 5 weeks I came home from work to discover she had moved out. She is staying with a friend. She told me she fell out of love with me, but strangely still talks to me and still sees me from time to time. I was far from the best husband. I failed in a business venture and am now basically unemployed. I lost myself in online games, and ignored her since there was nothing I could do to make her happy, the best I could do was not upset her but it lead to us distancing ourselves from each other. She found a group of friends to give her support, and after a lot of soul searching moved out.

I have done a lot of work to change this last month to try to show her how important she is to me. Like I said we still see each other and have even had some really good days and made love since she left. But tonight we had a particularly bad session in our couples counseling. I snapped and said that I was angry and she was being selfish by not moving home and working on the marriage harder. After the session she couldn’t stop crying and told me it was over, she was moving out of her friends apartment, getting her own place, and I should move back with my folks (out-of-state) because it’s finished. But...

I’ve been thinking that she is still suffering from her depression. She isn’t seeking any help for it outside her meds and our couples counseling. She says things like “I am a horrible wife”, “You deserve someone better”, “I don’t miss you, I don’t love you”, “I am being selfish and that isn’t going to change.” She tells me that she can’t be with me until she feels completely in love with me again, and knows everything will be okay. And most of all that she feels guilty for how she has treated me and can’t handle it anymore.

I am starting to think that she hasn’t really fallen out of love with me. That maybe she is running from the pain, a pain she doesn’t have to face when she is with her friends. The meds help her deal at work and with friends because nothing there reminds her of why she became depressed but with me they do. My friends and family tell me she’s not worth it, to move on and let her screw up her life if she wants to. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I love her, I honestly believe while her feelings are real, her interpretation of them are clouded by depression, and I can’t walk away if what she really needs is help and support to get over her depression, because if I go I'm scared eventually it will start to creep into other parts of her life she’s able to keep it separate from now and then things will really be bad.

Has anyone else with a depressed spouse thought, felt, or heard the same things? Has anyone been in her shoes that can shed some light on what she is thinking and feeling? Can I really help her heal, and be there for her? How do I get her to seek better care for herself than she is now? Or, am I just kidding myself because I don’t want it to be over?

I could really use the advice...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/19/2009 9:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi PS,

Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry for the pain and confusion you’re going through. I haven’t had a depressed spouse, but I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life, so I’ll offer what I can in the way of support and/or advice!

First of all, I noticed that your wife is on antidepressants, but only under advisement of her GP, and without individual counseling. I really feel strongly that having counseling which is separate from your couples’ counseling would help her, especially with what seems to be a real mixture of emotions and an unpredictable pattern to them. No matter what she decides to do in your situation, she could really benefit from some one-on-one professional support, in my opinion.

Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling angry during your couples’ counseling session. I would imagine that you are frustrated with the idea that she is giving up, when you want so badly to work things out in your marriage. You might be right about her thoughts and decisions being clouded by the depression, and maybe she is still in love with you. That being said, she will have to make up her own mind about her treatment choices, her living arrangements, and how she wants to handle the marriage from her side of it. You can encourage her to get some counseling, and tell her how you feel about working things out, and be supportive to her when the two of you talk.

You can also be there for *yourself*, which is equally important, PS. Being with someone who is depressed is very difficult, and you know yourself how powerless you can feel to help, when all you can do at times is try to avoid upsetting the person. I know you feel badly about losing the business and getting caught up in online games, but that is in the past now, and you must try to focus on the present, and what you can do to make your life better right now.

Please come back and post with us some more, as you feel up to it. I wish you the very best, and hope that things will improve for you soon.
Moderator, Depression Forum
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ~Kahlil Gibran



New Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/12/2012 7:13 AM (GMT -6)   
i am in a similar situation. she has battled depreesion for the last 10 years. got treated successfully twice before. this latest episode/spell has been for there for the last 3 years at least. initially she said she'll try St john's wort as a "natural remedy" as opposed to anti-depressants. for a while i thought things were fine and that she was taking the st jons as she was not so moody, snappy or crying so often.

bombshell about 10 months ago when things at her workplace got stressful , then i found out she was not even taking the st john's!! she DECLINES to see a doctor and be prescribed medications. excuse is "thats the way i am". in a way i feel betrayed - have been trying all these efforts to get her better but it appears she doesnt want.

next bomshell - "i want to see what it's like to live alone". you guys deserve better. we have a son.

blast. i feel like letting her go.

help please. all advice appreciated

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40405
   Posted 5/12/2012 7:34 AM (GMT -6)   
I think that the best thing you can do is let go. If it is meant to be, she will come back to you. Give her some space to sort things out. Encourage her to go t oa pxychiatrist or counseling. Hopefully things will work out in time.

I hope that things get better for you. Keep posting and know that we all care about you.

Try to hang in there...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

New Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/13/2012 4:49 AM (GMT -6)   
thanks Karen
trying to convince her to get some counselling. that seems to be better "tolerated", although not sure if she'll actually go. on the other hand i undertstand that there maybe a chemical imbalance in the brain when one is depressed and anti-depressants can correct this. of course the anti-depressants are not the ONLY answer but perhaps during these times of strife they maybe a bridge that you need. once over the bridge counselling will carry you through - just a thought.
thanks for your kind words.

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/15/2012 3:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Looking at the post from PS and seeing “I am a horrible wife”, “You deserve someone better”, “I don’t miss you, I don’t love you”, “I am being selfish and that isn’t going to change.” is all so familar to me. And the other great saying in my home is " we shouldn't have brought children into this world".

We nearly always have this constant threat of breaking up in our home if we have a small few words about anything and the answer is well if you dont like you know what to do " Sling your hook" is the words used. She also threateneds to leave on a weekly baises and I offer support if that is what she wants but she never goes through with it.

But I still love my wife and feel this depression is almost a coat she gets into which changes her, basically they way I see this is depression effects how you feel about yourself and if you cant love yourself how can you love anyone else. Im not saying its easy living with someone who is depressed and frankly without our children I cant say if we would still be together. But I am glad we are.

We are totally against meds so have started a alternative treatment of my wifes condition through diet, homeopathy, exercise and she is currently looking for a counsellor .

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2013
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/26/2013 10:03 AM (GMT -6)   

I know its been a long time since you posted this, but I feel compelled to respond as I am going through something similar right now.

I am not a clinician and don't pretend to know all about depression, but what I can share is my experiences and what we have done up to now.

Me and my wife have been married ten years and have one son (6 yrs old). He is a God send and is truly amazing little boy. No health issues to speak of at this time. On the other hand, my wife has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety way before we met and has been/is being treated. She is on meds, sees he psych and counselor on a regular basis.

Last year she was in what we thought at the time, a relatively minor car accident (someone backed into her at a parking lot). She was diagnosed with whiplash, and possible minor concussion although she claims she never hit her head. She was alone in the car. Shortly after, she began to behave unpredictably. Crying spells, lethargic, prone to angry outbursts with me and my son, difficulty thinking and remembering. She checked into an inpatient facility for almost a week. This was a very difficult time for her, me and our family. After being released, her regular psych whom she had been seeing for years suggested a form of treatment which she did not want to do. They got into an argument and he refused to see her any more. She has since began seeing a new psych. I have also been seeing a therapist as well. We also had seen a marriage counselor for a few months but no longer do so.

Fast forward one year and she has shown many signs of improvement, however now she claims she is no longer in love with me and has begun to bring up divorce. She seems to be so miserable around me and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I reach out to her in many small ways and she will barely acknowledge me. My hope was that after she recovered from the accident, she would eventually come back to me and we could be a couple again. I try not to push her and give her as much room as she needs to figure things out on her own but I feel I am loosing her and its breaking my heart. She has herself totally convinced that I feel the same way she does and that therefore a divorce would be best. I have tried to share my feelings with her, but there seems to be no getting through.

I know this thread is not very active and I may not get a response but I just need to reach out in any way I can think of to help me get through this.

Thanks to anyone who reads this.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40405
   Posted 11/26/2013 11:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nappy and welcome to the depression forum.

There are things in life that we have no control over, do you think your wife's feelings about you may have actually changed and maybe it isn't the depression? I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Nobody wants to go through this.

I would recommend working on yourself and keep trying to feel better and improve your outlook on life. This is a good thing to do while you are waiting to see what she is going to do. She will respect you for your actions.

I hope that she feels differently soon for your sake. I am sorry you are going through this.

Take care and keep posting as it really does help...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2013
Total Posts : 498
   Posted 11/27/2013 12:28 AM (GMT -6)   
I am the guilty depressed one in this case. Yet I could never live without my Angel husband. He has been the only stability in whole my life. Married 33 years.

My withdrawn depression started with almost loosing him, then one by one my 3 horses and 5 dogs , cats all died within a 3 year period.
Recently 7 months ago my son was on life support for weeks. He almost died and he is now better but in a very bad place will not get better. So I always feel like I am grieving for the son I had , he is not doing well now.

Facing a hip joint reconstruction and cannot deal with it all at once.
So I try to take one day at a time.
Feel so lucky to have my husband! I lost myself and have to learn to readjust. Working on therapy and on antidepressants. Thank The Lord for those or I would still be crying 24/7.

I used to wake up happy & cheerful. And think of ways to surprise my husband and make him happy every day. I have no energy now & in to much pain. More adjustments to come. More challenges to overcome and change my attitude. Lots of better times ahead.

Depression is a demon in itsself. Let it go I tell myself just move on. Better times ahead.

Wishing you all better times ahead.

(( hugs ))
"As long as there is breath there is hope, LIFE is a GIFT. "

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2013
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/27/2013 11:06 AM (GMT -6)   
sorry to hear of your troubles Chotti.

I just wish that my wife would/could show a bit of gratitude every once in a while. I have picked up the slack and have had to do so much over the past year just to keep our life in some semblance of order. This ordeal is having a huge negative impact on our 6 yr old son who is now having behavioral issues at school. Another thing yet added to my plate. What makes it worse is not only is there no acknowledgement from her or recognition of my efforts, but just the opposite. She claims that I am making it out to be much harder than it is and I create my own stress. Ugh! Very frustrating. And to top it off, now she says she wants to break up. How's that for gratitude.
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