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enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 6/20/2009 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Heeja,

First of all, sorry for not being around the last couple of days. They have been really busy, and I lacked the strength to invest the time that was given in here.

That said, I am desperate. Or hopeless. Or whatever you want to call it. I don't know. I know I am just sick of relapsing every single time. And when I do, it feels like there is no one to break my fall. And that realization hurts even more. I am not worthy to get something unless I can accept that I might have to live without it. Something like that is my main motto at the moment. For instance, I am not worthy to win a game of cards unless I can accept the loss and be grateful for the game itself, and the happiness it brings me and others. Or, I am not worthy to have back-up unless I am able to let go of my own problems and help others. When that time comes, I will receive back-up, and everything will be better. It is an encouraging thought, something that keeps driving me to discover new insights, and be grateful. But as usual, it backfires. And that backfire is doubt. Will I ever be able to let go of something? Or will I spend my life waiting for it, longing for it, needing it? I wish with all my heart that I could put aside my own suffering and be able to put all of my energy in helping others, but I doubt. And when doubt kicks in, I can not function. Or maybe I can, but I won't. Or maybe I will, but there is something else. I don't know, or do I?

And what is my place on this earth? Why am I here? Because I am? And is that an answer? Do things have a place, or is it just chaos? And why, why do I always seem to be the only one asking those questions? Is it that until I am able to put aside the grief I feel in being alone, that I will find someone, or something? Is being able to accept the key to receive? I live by that, but I just can't say it is true. Everything seems to fall into ruins.

On nights like this, a smile only seems to enlarge the downpour of tears. To put the sadness into perspective or so. All the efforts seem to be for nothing, and once again I am left wondering what my purpose is here. What is my place? Is there a place? Is my grief real, or am I just being a baby? Can we know? Do we have to know? Should we know? Arg...

Thank you. From the deep of my soul, thank you. Thank you for being the only solid foundation there seems to be. I honestly don't know what would happen if it wouldn't be there.

Take care everyone,

Erik
Moderator on the Depression Forum

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.
Perfection is found in everything being as you want it to be. Have no expectations, and perfection will be inevitable.


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/20/2009 5:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Erik,

You don’t need to apologize for not being around. We all have things going on outside of the forum, and our own issues and pain, and school or work or volunteer activities, or individual pursuits. You have a right to your own time, and to do what needs to be done.

I’m sorry you’re feeling hopeless. (((hugs))) I do understand your idea that we must be grateful and willing to live without in order to be worthy of having. I think there is some merit to that idea, and I have aspired to it, at times, myself. However, please do not forget that as human beings, we are worthy of love just by virtue of being alive. That is my personal belief. We have a right to our own feelings, our own needs and desires, and our own wishes, hopes and longings, and to deny ourselves those things is to deny an important part of our ‘being’.

It’s a noble thing for you to want to put aside your own suffering in order to help others. I can understand that, and I admire that in you. It’s true that by helping others, we can achieve some fulfillment and relieve ourselves of personal burdens, at least for a while, but it is also true (again IMO) that we need to give from a ‘full cup’. In order to offer our resources to others, we have to have those resources in reserve, and to do that, we need to care for ourselves and nourish ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is not selfish to do these things, Erik…..self-care is a necessary component of living for someone who wants to focus on giving.

I personally believe that everyone and everything has a purpose, and I think discovering our purpose is an individual thing, with a different course and timetable for each person. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, although it is hard to understand or recognize that reason many times, and I feel that there is a connection between all of us, and the events in our lives. No, you are not the only person asking these questions, believe me. You may feel alone in this, but you are definitely not alone, my friend.

I would like to offer you the idea of ‘surrender’ for tonight. When you are feeling overwhelmed, and don’t know what the answers are, throw your hands up and say, “For now, I do not know. Please show me.” Trust me, it will come…..perhaps not all at once, but on a schedule that is not mine or yours to determine. Have patience with yourself, and know that there is a larger pattern at work here. Even in suffering, we are on the right path, having experiences that are significant to our purpose.

Best wishes and healing to you. (((hugs)))
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 6/20/2009 9:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Erik,

I couldn't have put that better. Listen to Raniah. She is saying a lot here and I agree with her. You do have to allow yourself pleasure, even if it feels selfish. You have to achieve in order to be able to give. I think that makes sense. You have to allow yourself to be whole to give a part of yourself to others.

I understand what you are saying about obtaining things and knowing that you are able to let them go at anytime. But that is a part of the joy of receiving. You truly appreciate things for what they really are. You leave nothing as scrap. You are able to enjoy to the fullest.

But as Raniah says allow yourself to be you too. Allow yourself to be imperfect. We all are and we all falter. That is life. Just do the best you can and don't be so hard on yourself. Accept our good wishes and live your life to the fullest. But if you make a mistake along the way. Allow yourself that.

If you read and do not write something, that is okay. If you can't read that is okay. You are human. We all become weary. And that is okay too.

You are a wonderful person Erik. Remember that...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


NightWish
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 6/20/2009 10:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Erik,

We are so grateful that you are a part of our HW community here, so even though you might not feel like you know where you are suppose to be, please know that among us is definitely one of those places! I wish more people thought like you did. What a wonderful world it would be if everyone was so appreciate of everything and felt the need to give back so much! But I do believe that in order to take care of others, we have to take care of ourselves first. I have a sense that you know how to take care of yourself without being the slightest bit greedy, so no worries there!

I also believe that every person has a purpose for being on this earth. I hope sharing that with you doesn't cause you more anxiety or pressure to find yours, because I think everyone's purpose is different and you will discover what it is in your own divine time. For some, it might be that they do feel called to help many others, but for some, it may just be a couple people, or even just one person that they are meant to help. I also think serving a purpose can mean learning something about the world, or about yourself. Personal growth is a beautiful thing. I don't really think we're suppose to figure out everything there is to life, or go on a mission to find the perfect place we are suppose to be. I think it's more about blooming where we are planted and making the most of our life circumstances and just trying to make life a good thing for ourselves and for those around us. It's really amazing how little things can make a big difference, just by saying hello to someone you pass on the street. I hope you know what an inspiration you are to all of us!

NW
Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. -Tori Amos


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 6/21/2009 12:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Erik,
It's really late & I'm exhausted, so I have yet to read all the other great replies that I'm confident the other members had, but I did want to encourage you that you are not the only one out there asking the deep questions. The answers I've found are tied to my faith, so I won't go into those on the Forum. If you are ever interested in discussing that, I am happy to chat off-line (my email's in my profile), but otherwise I would just encourage you to keep seeking the answers to your questions. Those are the really important ones to ask during life's journey & I have found in my own case that the answers guide me in everything else that I do -- when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm confused, and, most importantly, when I'm feeling like a lost, confused, hopeless, helpless failure who has no chance of getting back on the right path. :) I remember that those goals are the only ones that really matter & all the details are only important in as much as they contribute to the larger mission of my life. I have met a number of people from various faith backgrounds and, though I'm partial to my own, they too have found to varying degrees that their faith/philosophy/understanding of the universe is what has guided them through the rocky times that all humans face.

People do make mistakes -- all people. You can try to do better the next time; you can practice certain disciplines; but, no one is perfect & while we may strive for perfection, we must never let our failure to attain it discourage us from pursuing our goals & passions. You wrote just a week or so ago about how excited you were to be doing more to help the environment & conserve energy. If I may, I would like to gently suggest that you consider re-focusing on that goal. Rather than meditating on all the ways you've failed to meet the goal, accept that you are not perfect yet, let go of your mistakes (i.e., "forgive yourself"), set some new goals for yourself, and then make a commitment to put your mental energy only into positive thoughts -- thoughts about how well you have done at changing for the better, and visualizations of how well you will do in the future & what exactly you will be doing at that time. From my own experience, I find that those 2 exercises do far more towards helping me achieve my goals than mental self-flagellation ever has.

Hang in there & keep fighting the good fight.

peace,
frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 6/21/2009 12:33 AM (GMT -7)   
dear erik, i felt the way you did some time ago. my answers came via reflection, via compassionate people and in the end myself. purpose-wants versus needs maybe? confirmation via validation, hmm, i feel you are very purposeful. insight, esp your own, and others, via true compassion, to others, and you? paths are formed via many steps. you can change parts of the path, if you need to, no sure short cuts, maybe necessity is driving a needed circumstance, yeah, healthy, but what is it you need my friend? the answer, well it always comes up when you least expect it. keep strong, be you. luv to you. jamie

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 6/23/2009 2:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej!

Thanks :-). Thank you all for your time and effort.

Things are going better today. The sun is starting to shine, and finally it is heating up in here.

Raniah, you are spot on. Feeling bad isn't a problem unless you allow it to be. I tend to forget that all the time, so thank you so much for the reminder. I believe that surrendering to something is dropping your expectations towards that and thus will have expectations to meet either. Perfection lies in surrendering, as is freedom. At least, it seems that way.

Now the one thing to do seems to lift the expectations I have considering me. Thanks for helping me out yet again everyone :-).

Take care!

Erik
Moderator on the Depression Forum

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.
Perfection is found in everything being as you want it to be. Have no expectations, and perfection will be inevitable.


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 6/23/2009 3:59 AM (GMT -7)   
and take care of you too. the sun always shines, it is mother nature giving us a hug!! mine, HUGS TO YOU MY FRIEND!! cool cool cool cool cool   jamie.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/23/2009 6:44 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Erik,

I just got to your post just now and I am glad to see you are feeling better today. You never have to apologize to anyone here.  We are your peers and your friends.

What great responses you have received.  I can only talk from my heart as I have felt like you over and over in my life and as I get older I find my fears more bothersome.

I have felt that hopelessness you speak of way to often and I have never quite accepted that I am worthy of happiness. I know I set my expectations to high but now I feel like I am running out of time and will I ever truly feel happy again or will it always be a battle?

As you know I fight to stay in the moment and not worry about yesterday as that is over and behind me, tomorrow has not yet arrived so I need not worry about tommorow.

I know you to be a fighter and yet you have these really lows and that is OK my friend.  It is part of the disorder of depression.  Coming here and talking about your feelings, sharing and letting us support you is an excellent way to let out all of your feelings and doubts.

When your fears have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. Just a gentle reminder, instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them.

Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope

 Erik, I wish you hope!

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

 


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis & GERD/Heartburn
Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/23/2009 10:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Erik,

Kitt makes a great point here. Small steps and manageable goals are definitely the way to go! It increases our chances of experiencing those feelings of personal success, and that is important in order to feel good about ourselves. :-)

I'm so glad you are feeling better today. You deserve it. I have to say, from a personal standpoint, this thread really helped me, too, with all the wise words and supportive ideas from everyone. It was a wonderful experience to read them all.

Thanks for the update!
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 6/23/2009 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Erik,

I am so glad that you posted that you feel better. One day at a time is all that we can do. But each minute is another minute of life. Enjoy it my friend. Time goes faster as you get older.

You are loved here Erik. We all are here for you and always will be. You are our good friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 6/24/2009 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Heej,

Thanks again for all the kindness, you guys are awesome :-).
Moderator on the Depression Forum

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.
Perfection is found in everything being as you want it to be. Have no expectations, and perfection will be inevitable.

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