Going through it again

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gizzygirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 6/21/2009 5:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm new to the site but I've read a few of the forums and know I belong.  I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety when I was 15.  I attempted suicide 2x in my life once at 16 and again at 38.  I'm now 45 and still battling with getting out of bed every morning.  I'm afraid of what people are thinking about me all the time.  I'm going through another bad episode now.  I often don't know why I bother.  I cry all the time, I find excuses not to do or go anywhere including work.  Fortunately I can work from home but that only compounds my isolation.  I have no friends because once they get to close they'll find out about this - I've tried with a few and they flew away as fast as they could.  Who wants to deal with someone like me.  I have a large family but as much as they love me, they don't get it.  For me the moods come out of no where or a small incident and then sprial out of control until I can barely function.
My doc has started me on another new med which I hope starts kicking in soon before people at work start to notice.  I'm a single mom with no child support so I need my job which I absolutely hate.  I always think people are talking behind my back so I avoid people as much as possible.  I guess this is the way you get to know me.
 
Gizzy
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/21/2009 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gizzy and welcome to the depression forum. I am sorry that you are feeling so down. I wonder if a mood stabilizer would help you. I take abilify and it works wonderful. I hardly ever get angry anymore and I am happy most of the time. Talk to your doctor about it and see what he/she says. It would be worth looking into.

I know how you feel thinking that everybody is talking about you. But the truth probably is that they are not. And if they are, oh well. Then they are leaving somebody else alone. That is how I look at it. People can say what they want, but we know what the truth of the matter is. And that is all that matters.

Remember that you are a good person. Tell yourself that every day. I am glad that you are able to work from home. But too much isolation isn't healthy so maybe you could get out for a walk now and then. That is good for you in so many ways.

I hope that you feel better soon. Keep posting as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


gizzygirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 6/21/2009 6:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I tried abilify and now I am switching to Pristiq.  I'm trying to get myself out for bike rides but then I get anxious about people watching me.  I wish I didn't care about what they think but I'm so afraid they'll think a freak and a failure, just like I do.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/21/2009 8:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gizzy,

I would like to welcome you to the forum as well, and I, too, am sorry for the pain you're feeling. Karen has given you some really good advice. It's true that people don't talk about us anywhere near the amount that we might think. I do understand how hard it is to get out when you feel the need to isolate yourself. When I first left my husband, it was a painful and frightening time for me. I was ashamed about my situation, and so scared that he was going to find me. He had been abusive to me, and I had to move a long distance to get away from him. When I first relocated, I was so depressed and full of fear, I could barely make it to the grocery store without having a breakdown. I worked from home for a long time, too. I knew I had to start talking to people, but it was so hard.

I started by going to a small, local store every week to buy the necessities. I forced myself to say 'hi' to the person behind the counter, and eventually to make small talk, even if it was just about the weather. The more I practiced this, the easier it became. I gradually started to say more, and would ask simple questions like, "when is your shift over?" or "do you like working here?" and things like that. These were small steps, but really important ones, as I found myself able to talk a little more each time. Maybe this would be a good way for you to begin, too.

I also started seeing a therapist for counseling, and that has helped me a great deal. She started out by giving me really small assignments, like walking down my block and back to my house each day. It was really hard at first, because like you, I didn't like the thought of people looking at me. I had to force myself to do it, but it really helped me, and it became easier over time, just like talking to people.

I know what you mean about making excuses not to do things.....I went through the same thing. I still have days when I do that. However, I have been so sad for so long, the knowledge that things are finally getting better has kept me motivated. I hope you will experience that too, once you start taking those small steps.

Give the meds a chance to work, and take one day at a time. Make your steps small ones....as small as you need to....and I think you will see some good results. Hang in there, and keep posting with us. This is a great community of supportive people.
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

 


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18747
   Posted 6/22/2009 2:27 AM (GMT -7)   
gizzy, hi i am jamie. been in your situation plus some..........anywat tell me about you. sending healing luv, yeah me on pristiq 4 months, working very well. take care of you, there is only one of you, and my friend you are a human being with special and unique talents, and you deserve happiness and compassion alike us all. keep fightin' jamie.
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder

gizzygirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 6/23/2009 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Jamie,
 
I feel like everything I do is wrong, that I'm stupid and I cry all the time.  I hyperventilate and then cry somemore.  It goes on for days and I get so confused I can't make any rational decisions.Even talking about it hurts I feel like such afailure and I know I'm never going to be cured so why was I born in the first place.  I knew when I was 4 there was something different and everyone would call me a crybaby and I'd run hide and cry
 
Gizzy

gizzygirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 6/23/2009 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
ranaih,
 
I'm trying to make those small steps but afterwards I run to my room to cry, I so frighteded.  I have to go back to work tomorrow and all I can do is cry I hate it so much there and feel evryone looks down on me.  I just hate
 
Gizzy

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/23/2009 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Gizzy,

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you feel so hopeless about things. I hate to see you talk so badly about yourself, especially when you told Jamie that you are never going to be cured. Please, please stop saying those things to yourself, Gizzy. Words and thoughts have a great deal of power, more than we sometimes realize, and by saying these things you may be bringing yourself down even more. You deserve to be lifted up and comforted, and you deserve to feel better! Please keep seeing your doc and keep some notes on how you feel for your next appointment. Do you see your doc for any kind of counseling, or is it mainly for the medication?

Please keep posting with us....we really want to help.
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

 


gizzygirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 6/25/2009 11:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm starting to feel more stable. But I've been through too many bad episodes to ever think there is a cure. Treatment yes but for me its always like out of the blue and the bomb drops. I'm trying to go into work more even though that is just as isolated I can still say hi to people I pass in the hallway and that's a step.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/25/2009 12:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Gizzy,

Know that you are going to get better. And that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/26/2009 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gizzy,

Yes, saying hi to people at work is a really important step. I know how hard it is, but you are doing it! Hang in there, and please don't give up. Let us know how things are going for you when you can.
 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

 

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