Post Edited (TeNNiSd0C09) : 6/27/2009 3:33:27 PM (GMT-6)
Im so sorry you feel this way. Im wondering if this attack that was filled with rage may have something to do with therapy? you may have dug up emotions you thought you had dealt with but hadnt. You might be remembering things from your past that you have bottled up until now- and now you're at exploding point, being crowded and overwhelmed by so many scary feelings at once.
You really need to tell your Pdoc all this as well, and i totally congratulate you on not harming, tempting as it may be, you are making the right choice. You also mentioned being scared of being an adult now- i wont lie, being an adult is not a walk in the park, but either is being a teenager and you are on the cusp of both. maybe your thoughts towards adult responsibility etc scare you. What IS important is that you keep talking this through and you know what? vent away. i remember being 17 and it was nuts. (im 29 now).
Also- if im correct you are taking new meds? could what happened be a reaction to the meds? write down everything you felt and experienced in that attack/moment and show it to your doctor. you shouldnt have to live miserably. you deserve youthful happiness and all the good things in the world. I hate that you are hurting, cos ive been there 100%.
Hang in there
Rage is a hard thing to feel. You did well not turning the rage inward. Could you try hitting your pillow/bed - getting the rage out that way so you have a safe outlet for it? I find this is really helpful when I have bottled up emotion or frustration etc. and often after I get the energy/emotions out this way, I find the tears flow and then I feel better, or at least no longer so angry.
You are doing really well facing these things, and I'm glad you have good support with your therapist and here too!
take care, embers