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TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 6/26/2009 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I always feel like Im bothering people with my problems. And I know i posted earlier today... but something has changed i suppose. I really am trying to be patient and i am. but along the way i have to fight these feelings...
 
i just have so much going around in my head right now. i dont know where to start. i feel really disconnected from everyone. i feel pain deep within myself. just floating there. i kind of feel like i dont mean anything. i just feel like im not going to do anything. or amount to anything. I dont feel as smart as everyone seems to think i am. i just feel like, what am i supposed to do now. im out of school and thrown into the real world. im an adult now.. what now.
 
i feel like im not doing anything right. i keep telling my friends i cant hang out, whether its true or not.. i keep avoiding people. im avoiding everything. i feel like i cant do anything. just sit here and waste my life. i dont know what to do. sitting here crying about it isnt making it better. i've made promises to stay away from the bad things. and i am. its not easy. but im not going there, it doesnt help either. but what do i do that IS going to help? there is no quick fix...
 
sorry this is long. i actually think i made a lot of progress.. those last 2 paragraphs are really deep i think. for me anyways... i think this therapy thing is starting to break me. i just admitted all of those feelings so... but anyways.... i just needed to talk about it... im sitting here crying and its not helping... really wanted to vent. thanks


Lyrica(15 months on-quit Feb. 09),Paxil(10-11 months, quit 6-4-09) Starting Cymbalta and Rozerem Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new doc thinks I could have Dysthymia or Borderline Personality Disorder...
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."

Post Edited (TeNNiSd0C09) : 6/27/2009 3:33:27 PM (GMT-6)


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 6/26/2009 10:37 PM (GMT -7)   
This is quick, but I really have to talk about what just happened because it was worse than any of my other breakdowns.

Normally: crying, cant really breath, sit in my bathroom floor in the dark. I usually cry really hard and have to hold my hands over my mouth because I sometimes scream and stuff and I have to keep myself from doing that. And so on...

But this time was totally different.. the same to begin with but I just felt so trapped inside my own body. like i wanted out. usually i am extremely upset and crying really hard. but this time i had a mixture of rage in there. i got so furious i felt i couldnt be controlled. i was overwhelmed with this rage and had to swing my arms and stuff to release some but keep myself from getting hurt. it was so overwhelming like nothing i have ever experienced. i was so angry at myself. i feel like i hate myself. but that overwhelming fury and rage is something i've never experienced before. making this breakdown more like a "fit"... what do i do. should i be worried. is it normal?

i dont know... part of my fury is my resistance to harm. i promised quite a few people now and i would hate myself if i ever broke a promise. or broke their trust. but i needed something to release all my feelings and i couldnt do anything to let it all out.... i was furious in part because i had overwhelming feelings(bad ones sort of) and I couldnt allow myself to act on anything, just force myself to sit there and let it pass. I know i did the right thing. but it hasnt passed.. just the fury part has passed, i hope.

i dont know what to do. i feel like i am letting everyone down. i cant break a promise or they will never trust me again. but i want to so bad. so bad that just thinking about it makes me hate myself. i cant do anything cuz i wont be able to lie about it... those are great qualities usually i know... the ability to be honest and trustworthy... but what am i supposed to do. i feel ashamed of myself for how i feel. i feel as if i have failed myself and everyone else.

i wish there were reasons to justify my feelings. i know its okay to feel this way, it happens. but im still so ashamed of myself and feel like a failure for letting it overcome me. i feel like nothing, like i hate myself. im not sure i've ever really truly felt this before. not like this.

and now i just feel like im being a pest for ranting about it.... thanks for letting me post
Lyrica(15 months on-quit Feb. 09),Paxil(10-11 months, quit 6-4-09) Starting Cymbalta and Rozerem Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new doc thinks I could have Dysthymia or Borderline Personality Disorder...
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 6/26/2009 11:08 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Christie

Im so sorry you feel this way. Im wondering if this attack that was filled with rage may have something to do with therapy? you may have dug up emotions you thought you had dealt with but hadnt. You might be remembering things from your past that you have bottled up until now- and now you're at exploding point, being crowded and overwhelmed by so many scary feelings at once.

You really need to tell your Pdoc all this as well, and i totally congratulate you on not harming, tempting as it may be, you are making the right choice. You also mentioned being scared of being an adult now- i wont lie, being an adult is not a walk in the park, but either is being a teenager and you are on the cusp of both. maybe your thoughts towards adult responsibility etc scare you. What IS important is that you keep talking this through and you know what? vent away. i remember being 17 and it was nuts. (im 29 now).

Also- if im correct you are taking  new meds? could what happened be a reaction to the meds?  write down everything you felt and experienced in that attack/moment and show it to your doctor. you shouldnt have to live miserably. you deserve youthful happiness and all the good things in the world. I hate that you are hurting, cos ive been there 100%.

Hang in there

Maz XX


                        Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
 
 
'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, IBS, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia,
Low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis. Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium.  Codeine Phosphate. Phenergan. Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 6/27/2009 12:26 AM (GMT -7)   

 

Hi Tennis,

  Rage is a hard thing to feel.  You did well not turning the rage inward.  Could you try hitting your pillow/bed - getting the rage out that way so you have a safe outlet for it?  I find this is really helpful when I have bottled up emotion or frustration etc. and often after I get the energy/emotions out this way, I find the tears flow and then I feel better, or at least no longer so angry. 

  You are doing really well facing these things, and I'm glad you have good support with your therapist and here too!

  take care, embers

 

 

 

 

 


snowman64
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/27/2009 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tennis:
I see that you recently went off Paxil. I had a very similar reaction when I took myself off Wellbutrin (150mg/day, stopped cold.)
The fury I felt was unwarranted and uncontrollable. I believe that this is a withdrawal symptom from anti-depressants for some folks. Withdrawal is one of the reasons many MDs take patients off anti-depressants very gradually. When I went back on the Wellbutrin, the rage cleared up in a matter of a day or two.
I am not suggesting that you go back on Paxil, only that you discuss this as a possible cause with your doctor.
Best wishes.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 6/27/2009 6:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

I am so glad that you posted here. I kind of think that you are facing a lot with going to college and all. Please don't let it scare you. It isn't as bad as you think it will be. Time demanding, a little hard, yes. But you can do it. Just try to relax until the time comes.

How about getting some punching bags? Would your dad set them up for you? I think it is a great way of relieving stress. As I remember you were getting into art. That is another way of release. It has helped me in the past. So think about that.

Try not to beat yourself up for the way that you feel. You are coming into a new way of life and that is scarey. So this could very well be normal.

And as always, remember you can email me.

I am here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 6/27/2009 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I really appreciate the support, thanks.

It all feels like a dream this morning. Like no such thing took place and really, I cant even imagine that it did. Even though it clearly took place, ya know? It just feels like it wasnt real or didnt happen..and that it really wasnt me. Im going to use my posts from last night though because my pdoc asked me to write things down when I had feelings because it could be crucial for me. I didnt the first few weeks, but I suppose I will try more often now.

Im really not sure what happened. I have breakdowns every so often just like that, but I usually dont feel a strong rage like that. Occasionally I feel angry when it happens and I have to hold my head tightly and just keep myself right there..but this time I did that and I still had to let go and swing my arms...like a 3 year old having a tantrum who swings there arms and gets upset at something. Just like that actually.

It was because of the Paxil. I have been off it a good 4 weeks now, and started Cymbalta, which I have been on almost 4 weeks. I dont think it was any kind of reaction. It just happened.

Im not sure if it was because of the session. It was a normal session the only thing that seemed to strike me was his persistence that I call him in the event that I need any help and stuff so... But he really seemed to understand that it was okay if I had those feelings because he wouldnt let anything happen to me so, that was refreshing.

Anyways, like I said, Im going to use last nights posts to paraphrase what happened, how I felt, what I was thinking, and how I acted. Its some sort of triangle he explained to me.. anyways, I appreciate you all being here for me. I really needed to get that out last night and needed someone. I didnt feel comfortable talking to my best friend as we had a lengthy convo about my drug abuse the other night that kind of upset me. (we are okay, he just got upset with me because of the things i feel) So, I didnt want to let him know what was going on then... anyways, thanks
Lyrica(15 months on-quit Feb. 09),Paxil(10-11 months, quit 6-4-09) Starting Cymbalta and Rozerem Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new doc thinks I could have Dysthymia or Borderline Personality Disorder...
www.myspace.com/wilson_gal22
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/28/2009 6:16 AM (GMT -7)   
hey tennis, hope things improve. good that you are being expressive. emotion is both good and bad, depending on the situation. remember i am here, seems as though you are waiting for a clear cut dx on dysthmia or borderline personality disorder. as i have said in other posts, borderline can take a bit for a clear cut dx. stay strong and safe. we care. jamie.

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 6/28/2009 9:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I thought today was going well... I been outside trying to move around a lot so I played one of my fave sports, soccer. Well, just kicking the ball back and forth and dribbling it on my foot and knees and such... I did that for over 3 hours today! And its HOT here in Alabama, humidity is crazy so I was soaked. And then I did nearly 3 hours of yard work for a neighbor. I took a cold shower when I came in and Ive felt okay all day. Withdrawal obviously since I been in the yard by myself just thinking.

But right now, Im feeling like I did the other night. Really down with some rage. Things just seem to get to me and I blow up. Its getting so hard for me to hang on though...I just want to let go and go crazy ya know... stop playing it so cool. Even though I talk more now, I feel like I have more locked inside of me than ever.

Im not going to waste space going on and on about the same stuff. Thanks for reading and being here for me.
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Started Cymbalta 6-6-09, Rozerem, Melatonin Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new pdoc-possible Borderline Personality Disorder...
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/28/2009 11:06 PM (GMT -7)   
good to keep the lines of communication going. just worried about the possibility of an implode/explode. hoping u feel better real soon. jamie.

AllBustedUp
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/28/2009 11:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey

I know where you're coming from. My recent battle with "depression" had me hanging on every flaw to myself, feeling useless, not seeing my friends, holding on for no reason other than it seemed easier to just fade out of life, numb. And self injury, seeing I was such a failure I had to punish myself. It consumed me, and I'm still scared of life without that security I found in pain. Finally, I stopped, because I knew if I didn't I was going to die, and I didn't even deserve to be set free. I found substances to dissociate from myself, forget who I was, put my life in the hands of somebody else. It replaced my external scares with scars inside, which gave me a chance to pretend to be normal. Then, I fell back on my girlfriend, and found something else to hold me to Earth. She is my best friend. She just wants me to be happy, and we make each other happy. After a while, I let go of my anger with myself, because, being complete exposed to another person, I realized how messed up everyone really is, and that happiness is something inside my own mind, not the eyes of everyone else. Slowly, I found a balance between hurt and love that I can live on with and grow instead of die inside. The struggle is always there, but I broke away into my own person with my own thoughts in my head. With my eyes open, I can see the world as it applies to my own life, my own experiences. I learned to take care of myself as best I can.

I guess what I'm saying is there a thousand ways to get lost in those feelings, and you just have to come to peace with who you are. When you find yourself on the edge, or catch yourself slipping down that spiral, you need to know you can choose to turn around, even though life can be so painful sometimes. You are not what other people see, you are your own, beautiful mind.

When I did finally come around, I kind of became "spiritual", probably because of the substances, feeling that lift. I don't advise substances unless you can handle them and use them to help you, but for many it's another slope. I only used herbs, of coarse, which let me open my mind instead of losing it. I would never advise anything harder, just because herbs are what I trust, and that's your decision. And, this was just my experience.

I also find myself listening to bands such as Manic Street Preachers, The Killers, Smashing Pumpkins, Saosin, Nirvana, Lifehouse, etc. I found courage and strength in the sheer beauty of songs like The Everlasting, When You Were Young, Stand Inside Your Love, You're Not Alone, Heart Shaped Box, Everything, for examples. That music really gave my heart the strength to grow. Also, if you're alone and listening to music, you're not lame, you're "artistic" smilewinkgrin . And you can't fail at it, either! And, movies like Patch Adams, The Rainmaker, The Notebook, and Good Will Hunting really helped. Seriously, their classics and totally made me feel better.

Self injury is an addiction/compulsion. Don't go there. It will kill you. It'll probably still get me, eventually.

Lastly, You are not alone. You can be absolutely certain there is at least one other person out there that understands. And there are a of people that could use a smile.

Just my opinions and story. It felt good to get out. Don't bottle things up. If you can left it out, you can understand, and that's half the battle.

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 6/29/2009 8:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks

I am trying to make some changes in my life for the better. Less couch potato. Less internet. Less tv. More active. More outside, sun. Exercising. Creating a sleep schedule. And medicine schedule. Eating less, and healthier meals. Less/No caffiene. So, I feel like Im doing all the good things for myself and nothing is coming of it.

I also realized that even though I talk more about things now, Im actually not comfortable talking about this stuff period. For a while I was okay, cause it seemed I was talking about the past. But, now, Im talking about the present and it makes me feel like I failed to let all this back in my life...it really never left, I just hid it very well. Im not okay talking about everything anymore. Im so scared of it all because I still have so many feelings and Im afraid of whats going to happen if I tell someone. Im afraid of upsetting people. Im afraid Im letting everyone down. And it makes me ashamed of myself.

I really want this all to go away but the worse it gets, the less I want to talk about it. Simply- Im scared. Im really scared. Im scared of what might happen. Scared of what people think. Scared that they are going to think Im crazy and cant be trusted and everything. Im really scared that Im going to be like this forever.
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Started Cymbalta 6-6-09, Rozerem, Melatonin Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new pdoc-possible Borderline Personality Disorder...
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/1/2009 11:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow... should I talk to her about what happened the other night? or should I wait and talk to my psychiatrist about it since he's helping me with that now?... I usually talk to my therapist about random things about my life or whatever, but the more important, deeper stuff with my pdoc...

Also, I wanted to share some news... off-topic... I got my first tattoo tonight! I was so excited and its really cool. I have to say, it was a different experience than I thought. The pain felt similar to a pain I have felt before. It wasnt terribly horrible, just uncomfortable I suppose. But, Im still excited about it. I cant wait until I can take the bandage off! =)

Anyways, this Melatonin is kicking in and I am falling out! lol So, goodnight, and take care!
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Started Cymbalta 6-6-09, Rozerem, Melatonin Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new pdoc-possible Borderline Personality Disorder...
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


3blackdogs
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/2/2009 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I felt the same way that I had held everything in all my life. I wasn't allowed to express as a child at all. Even as an adult I held it in cause I wanted to be perfect in all ways. And I was moody, did self-analysis to handle problems. Then all of a sudden it came to the surface in the form of anxiety attacks and finally bi-polar diagnosis. It was hard to let go, but when I finally did it was a relief. I think I need a therapist, but I depend on my psyche, who mainly wants to monitor meds. I still have severe cycling - I become manic and too active, then I crash and become physically illl. But however you manage to do it, it is best to let go.

3blackdogs
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/2/2009 11:40 AM (GMT -7)   
PS - I also felt extreme rage and it was hard to let go. Sometimes to let go, I would drink them express raghe. Then it became easier to express rage. One time I threw glasses and bottles through the kitchen into the dining room. I don't know how I kept from hitting anything valuable in the dining room. My son came home to pick up the pieces. I would just get furious cause I couldn't handle what I was going through. I also went through not knowing who I was anymore. I told my psyche this. You need to keep up the lines of communication with your therapist or psyche.
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