New to this section of the forum - feeling very down

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Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4227
   Posted 6/29/2009 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,
 
I usually post on the Lyme forum trying to help others since I am better but I have been really depressed as my baby brother passed away 2-1/2 months ago from melanoma skin cancer.  I loved my baby brother so much and I am just so darn depressed that he is gone.  I didn't want to post about this as I have been keeping most of my dark thoughts inside which I know is not healthy.
 
I also suffer from anxiety and panic disorder (since I was born as it runs in my family) and my anxiety has been the worse it ever has.
 
Well, that's all as I honestly don't know what else to say.   For some reason I am holding back the tears that I feel inside of me.
 
Denise
It's all about the Immune System mixed with a large dose of Positive Thinking and Daily Detoxing   ~  Pay It Forward!!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being in remission for over 3 years:
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/29/2009 4:49 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Denise,

Hello and welcome to the Depression Forum.  I know you will find the members helpful and caring.

I lost my older sister on April 30th  to Ovarian Cancer so I know how you are feeling.

Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose. Most grief runs its course with the support of your friends/family. But sometimes grief can trigger depression.


When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. Even when participating in activities you used to enjoy, you feel as if you are just “going through the motions.” You may also feel numb, lifeless and empty.

I would like to encourage you to consider counseling to help you through this painful time. One on one counseling can help you understand your feelings as well as teach you skills to cope with your pain.

Losing a loved one is devastating, but you  have  been left with a special gift - your memories.

Please accept my sympathy at the loss of your brother.  (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

"For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with tears. And the smile that is worth the praises of earth, is the smile that shines thorugh the tears."  ~Unknown~

My wish for you is peace,

Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis & GERD/Heartburn
Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40571
   Posted 6/29/2009 5:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Denise,

I am so sorry for your loss. Remember there are no rules with grief. And no time limits as to how long it will last. We all go at our own pace. So if you feel the need to cry, that is okay. It is healthy.

I am glad that you decided to come here to post about this. We often get depressed after losing a loved one. So I think that is normal the way that you are feeling. Hopefully the depression will lift as time goes by.

Though you might want to talk to a doctor and ask about some help with this if it is getting hard to tolerate. Maybe a prescription medication or as Kitt mentioned counseling would help at this time. You could use some support right now and that would probably be the ticket.

Keep posting, coming here helps a lot. You will get a lot of advice from other members, some who maybe have recently been through the same thing, or similar. Just haveing somebody say "I understand" helps a lot. Losing such a close relative hurts and often we just live with it, but here you have a chance to get it out. And it doesn't take much and you start to feel better. So stay with us and maybe we can help you through this.

Take care my friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4227
   Posted 6/29/2009 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt and Karen for your beautiful and heartfelt words, they mean a lot to me.  I have not been letting myself cry for some strange reason..   And I don't know why that is.
 
I know I feel angry at my baby brother's wife as she is a really horrible human being and I did not get to say "goodbye" to my brother because of her.   My brother was so doped up on meds that he had no idea what was going on.   His wife ran the whole show and we never got along since the day my brother met her.   Perhaps she felt threatened that my brother and I were so very close, I have no idea.  
 
I tried to be really friendly with her and not tell my brother what my honest thoughts were as all I ever wanted him to be was happy, and if she was the lady that would make him happy, then I was happy for him.   It turned out that she didn't make him happy at all...  but that's all in the past now.
 
So there are so many unresolved issues here.   I didn't get that sense of closure before he passed and I wish I did.   There was no funeral.  His wife had a "gathering" at their apartment and beforehand she told my older brother that I was only allowed to "speak" for 10 minutes or less.    I was horrified by her words.  I didn't plan on speaking at all, I was too much in shock.
 
Well, perhaps seeking a counselor is a good idea.   I think I have too much anger inside and I was never good at dealing with anger.   For some reason anger scares me if that makes any sense at all.
 
I will be posting...  Thanks so much for listening!
Denise
It's all about the Immune System mixed with a large dose of Positive Thinking and Daily Detoxing   ~  Pay It Forward!!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being in remission for over 3 years:
 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40571
   Posted 6/29/2009 6:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Denise,

Your sil sounds like a you know what. I am sorry to learn that she wasn't keeping your brother happy. But I guess you need to look at all of the good sides and try to find closure. I think talking with a therapist would help because this can be such a complicated process. I feel that you could use the extra support right now too. I hope that you find a good counselor to meet your needs. And if you don't feel comfortable with the one that you get, find another one. You need to get things out and let the emotions flow. Though it sounds scarey, it can really be healing process that is needed.

In the meantime, you have us. We can listen and give you our opinions or even make some suggestions for ways to help you feel better. I know one thing, you sound like you have many fond memories of your brother. I know it isn't the same, I lost my nephew to suicide last September, I still look at his pictures and wish he was still here. I still expect him to pull up into the yard. We were getting really close and then I lost him. But I try to think he is above watching over me. And will be waiting for me someday to join him. It is hard, but we have to believe the good things to get past it. I share in your sorrow. And I wish for you to be happy and able to adjust to your loss. Though that is hard to do too. Just remember that we are here and will always be here when you need us.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/29/2009 7:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Deejavu,
 
Karen and Kitt did offer beautiful and heartfelt responses, and I couldn't really add much to the wonderful advice you've been given.  However, I did want to post to you and offer my condolences on the loss of your brother.  I am so sorry for the pain that you're going through.  It's got to be especially difficult for you, considering the character and behaviour of your sister-in-law.  I have trouble with angry feelings, too....they frighten me as well....but I will say my therapist has helped me to learn how to cope with and release those types of feelings in a healthy way, and they are not as difficult and frightening as they used to be.  She has helped me a great deal with grief and depression, too, and I feel confident that you might have the same positive experience if you were to consider counseling.  Please be kind to yourself, and know that there are people here who care and are happy to listen and help. 
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 6/30/2009 1:23 AM (GMT -7)   
denise, understand loss, a few yrs ago i lost 12 people in 15 months. i send you my love and u are in my thoughts.
 
jamie, male, 37.
 
dx mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.
 
ps u are in a safe and healing place. with kindness.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/30/2009 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Deejavu,
 
I am so sorry to hear how awful your SIL has been acting.  I would guess that she too may be suffering deep grief but that never gives anyone a right to be nasty.  Often a crisis can bring out the dark side of a person where others will rally and show all their wonderful and loving traits.
I understand your feelings of anger and with it the feelings of hopelessness.

Remember that anger is not wrong as it is a normal human emotion. We are born with the ability to feel anger.

There are times when we should get angry and stand up for our rights or the rights of others who cannot do it for themselves.

It is when this anger is not controlled that we get into trouble so please don’t let your anger consume you.

I would also encourage you to seek out therapy for yourself to help you to learn how to deal with your feelings. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers and please do keep talking with us as we are here to help you through this very sad time in your life.

Gentle hugs
Kitt

 
 
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis & GERD/Heartburn
Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


Deejavu
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 4227
   Posted 7/9/2009 3:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,
 
Just an update:  I have been feeling a bit better and not so down.  Perhaps what has been helping is a combination of many things.   My mother and I have been having long talks about my brother and we both said regarding my SIL that karma will come back to her or something like that.   She married my brother for money only, not for love.   She saw a kind guy with a big heart who was making lots of money.  My brother was her 3rd husband.    My mother wants to write her a letter but I suggested to my mother to let it go..   My SIL has to live with herself.
 
What also bothered us was that she never consulted any of the family about his funeral arrangements, she did everything her way.   My brother had a HUGE collection of rare CD's and DVD's, there was a room in their condo that was just for his collection, yes, it was that big.   My SIL never asked any of us if we wanted anything, she is donating everything to some school.     Well, that's her choice and those are material things.
 
I have been keeping really busy between working and taking my mother to all her doctor appointments.   My mother has been feeling ill so we are getting her checked out.   Then I work in my gardens and go swimming in a pool when I have the chance.    I haven't had time yet to look for a therapist but at least I don't feel the anger I did when I first posted.   The depression has lifted for the most part and I guess I will have good and bad days like everyone else.
 
My best friend from another state visited with her daughter and grandbabies and that was great as well.   I plan on selling my house (I have been thinking about this for a long time) and moving to where my best friend lives.  All in due time as finances are not so great with this horrible economy and I could live stress-free if I sell my house and move 4 hours away to another state where she lives.  It's such a joy to watch her grandchildren (who are babies right now grow up).  I just love those babies as I never had any babies of my own except for the furry kind. 
 
So that's it!
Hanging in there,
Denise
It's all about the Immune System mixed with a large dose of Positive Thinking and Daily Detoxing   ~  Pay It Forward!!
 
This song is about my years with chronic lyme since 1995 and being in remission for over 3 years:
 
 


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/12/2009 7:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Denise,

I’m glad you’ve been feeling better. It sounds like you and your mother have been a good source of support for each other. I agree with what you told her about letting the turmoil over your SIL go…..if she still wants to write a letter, perhaps she could burn it afterwards instead of sending it. Sometimes the therapy is more in the writing than the sending.

It’s sad that your SIL didn’t consider your family’s feelings with respect to your brother’s belongings. We had a situation like that in my family, too, and it’s amazing how cold and hurtful people can be when they are so emotionally detached. I don’t understand that lack of feeling or compassion, and I never will. I’m just encouraged to see that you have such a healthy spirit and know that it’s not worth the battle in the long run. Your willingness to do what is best for yourself and your family is inspiring to me.

I’m so glad you had the wonderful visit from your best friend and her daughter and grandbabies. I think your plan to move closer to your friend is a great one….it sounds like it would be a joy for both of you. I know it may take some time, but now you have something to look forward to. That’s so good!

Thanks for posting the update. It sounds like you are handling things with grace and maturity, and the intention to heal and move forward with your life. What an inspiration you are to all of us here. I wish you the very best with your plans.
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 

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