Hello and I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Your story was very complicated and full of issues that I feel you need to deal with but I would like to suggest that you make an appointment to see a therapist and work through your problems.
From what I read you are compounding one problem on top of another. Perhaps it would be best for you to let go of all of the baggage you are carrying around with the boyfriends etc and just start fresh.
I wish you well and I know other members will have great advice for you.