depressed spouse

any advice for spouse of depressed wife
1
stay the course - 33.3%
0
leave - 0.0%
2
be patient - 66.7%

 
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luke s
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/7/2009 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
hi just joined.my wife has been suffering from depression since oct last and announced our marriage was over in dec.she took an apartment but asked to come home 3 days later.saw a psychiatrist was admitted but left on seeing other patients,has been to counselling,tried a couple of maeds but didnt like side effects.says our marriage is the problem but i have treated her like a queen for 25 yrs.2 weehs ago she saw a reply to agony aunt question which she said was exactly her,,classic depression with spouse bearing brunt.her sis says she is like an aunt with same behaviour.found diaries which suggested she had an affair which ended badly in oct but nothing fits and she mentions p.o.v. throughout.diary seems to be some sort of therapy.man mentioned is a composite of exes and friends and drs.i am finding it very difficult at the moment living like roomates,been relied on for everything i have always done for her but never even a hug.anyone else out there walking in my shoes?

anitam
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/7/2009 2:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Luke,

I have had depression for at least nine years. My husband has been patient at times, but yesterday wrote me a letter saying that our nonexistent sex life needs to change or else he may consider a separation. This made me mad but did start a conversation. I am on meds but have not had counseling. I told my husband if he called about counseling for me , I would go. It's a start but we have a long haul.

JeannieM
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 7/8/2009 5:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Luke it's very very hard for both the non depressed spouse and the depressed one. As you can guess I'm the depressed one. But it's not new. He knew I suffered when we first got together almost 12 yrs ago. Yes some days are better then others. I'm on celexa, ativan and naturethroid (for my thyroid issues). My doctor wanted me to switch to cymbalta by my insurance refuses to cover it, and even if they did it's a tier 3 drug on my copay plan and my copay would be 75.00 a month. No way we can afford that, so I stick with the celexa and pay 4.00 at walmart.
 
I'm not sure of the song but the one line goes "I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me". That song describes me perfectly. I've gotten so good at hiding my depression and putting on the proverbial happy face. Not healthy I know but not sure what else to do. I've tried counseling but I live in a rural area and there are only 2 in my area that my insurance covers and I didn't care for either of them plus my copay would have been 40.00 a visit. Not possible when they want you to go 2-3 times a week.
 
Honestly, I really wish my husband would come to a place like this and read some of the posts.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/8/2009 6:31 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  There have been quite a few before you, both male and female, that have had the same issues as you.
 
I am so sorry you  and your wife are going through this rough time.
As the depressed spouse let me give you my perspective on how we feel.
 
We depressives can be downright frustrating. We see everything in absolute terms, no gray areas. We set high standards for ourselves and when they aren't met, we can't accept it. We lash out at our loved ones. We're too wrapped up in our own pain to nurture our loved ones.

We beat ourselves up endlessly because we think we're ugly, unlovable, lazy, and worthless. I'm writing this as someone who's been on both sides of the fence and can now appreciate the pain of both the depressed and the people who seek to help the depressed.
 
Here are some suggestions for what you can do to help your wife and yourself.
 
Educate yourself about depression.  Learn about depression, it's symptoms, and treatment.
 
Put yourself in your wife's shoes.  Learn what depression feels like, the misconceptions about mental illness that she  must deal with, and get the facts about what depression really is.
 
Take care of yourself. Feelings of depression are contagious. Periodically take some time to step back from the situation and recharge your batteries.
 
It's okay to feel upset, angry, frustrated. These feelings are a valid response to a very trying situation.
Coming here and sharing your feelings and reaching out for help was a good thing for you to do. 
 
Consider therapy for yourself as you need someone to understand and to talk to that will help you cope with your wife's depression.
 
Please keep on talking with us and know we care.
 

With kindest personal regards,

Kitt

 
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


anitam
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/8/2009 12:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,

I am going to show my husband your post. It explains how I feel very well. I told him we need to research online or get books at the library so he can understand what I am going through. Our 16 yo dd is starting on Celexa this week. She has been fighting stomach problems for over a year and all tests come out fine. I see hope in our future.

Thank you,

Anita

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/8/2009 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Anita,

Glad to be of help.  I have had depression for over 26 years and my hubby has been upset and frustrated more then once but in the end he comes around.  He has Crohn's Disease so I have supported him but at times have had a tough time with his disorder too so we have always balanced out our issues  :)

Your going to be Okay.  (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

Kind Regards,
Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


luke s
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/9/2009 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you all who posted replies,have been keeping this all in since xmas.its the self centered behaviour and secrecy that i find most difficult.she spends her time reading self help books that she wont let me see.the most recent concerns letting go of a jerk type guy which makes no sense to me.she did however have a 4yr relationship with an abusive womaniser before she met me nearly 28 yrs ago but she has often said she put it down to youth and low self esteem.i am searching for answers but cannot find them.

Ravenwood
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/13/2009 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Anita, Luke & Kitt,

I just found the website today. I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 12 years ago. I went through counseling and drug therapy for about a year. I finished therapy and came off the meds. I was doing well for a long time, I thought. But, I always felt like I had this dark thing living deep inside me and it was always threatening to come back up and take me over again. I have fought it for years and thought I was doing okay. Last year, my husband went through counseling. His doctor told him he was suffering from anxiety and depression and needed to be on meds. He went to about 6 sessions, and refused to take any meds. He keeps telling me he is okay, but I can tell he's not. He is angry and controlling. We have a 20 year old daughter (she lives at home and is in nursing school), she is really struggling with all of this. He tends to be most angry with her. He hates her friends, he hates her going out with them after classes, he hates her going over to their houses, he hates her texting, he hates her guinea pig. Nothing she does seems to please him at all, unless she is doing exactly what he says, exactly when he says, exactly the way he wants it done. She is on Lexapro, now, but says she doesn't need counseling. I think, what she really needs is to get out of the house, but she can't afford it.

He isn't working at the moment and doesn't really seem to be looking for anything. I can't talk to him and spend most of my time trying to smooth things with her, to let her know it's his illness talking and he really does love use. She says she knows, but it is certainly taking it's toll on her.

As for me, I feel worn out, beat up, beat down, angry and sad. I spend a LOT of time asking God to take me out of all of this. I find myself thinking a lot about that verse in Old Man River "I'm tired of living, but scared of dying". I have thought about going back to counseling and am getting some meds, myself, but when I say anything about it, he just talks about how everyone takes the easy way out and how he just sucked it up and that's what everyone should do.

So, I am here, looking for help.

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/13/2009 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Ravenwood,

I posted a reply to you in your new thread. :-)
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


ile
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/4/2009 7:54 AM (GMT -7)   
luke s said...
hi just joined.my wife has been suffering from depression since oct last and announced our marriage was over in dec.she took an apartment but asked to come home 3 days later.saw a psychiatrist was admitted but left on seeing other ............
Hi Luke,
 
I know what you are going to. My husband has this depression since dec last year. he wanted us to split, then he came back and all he could say is that he has a hole, that can not be described. yesterday i confronted him and ask him if he suffers from depression. and he said yes. since then, my life changed completed, as i read what this means. it awfull. hope in time will pass. as soon as i find something that works i will posted cas i do not want to say something from the books i ve read. if you feel like writing please do. good luck! 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 8/4/2009 8:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I am just so happy to see all of the support going on in this thread. Everybody seems so caring and understanding. I am glad to see you all helping eachother.

With that being said. I hope that you all have a wonderful day. Keep the patience, and the compassion. You are a wonderful group of members.

Hugs Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/4/2009 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Luke,

I am wondering how you are doing.  We are all here for you if you feel like you want to talk.  I hope you are coping or you have found a therapist just for you.

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind

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