Lonely and Confused

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lonelypinoy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/8/2009 6:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I recently (Feb 09) relocated to the US from Asia because of work.  Since I arrived, I've been feeling some sort of a void in my life.  Here's my situation:
 
1. Work has become very competitive and high pressured.  Everyday, I kinda feel bad because it seems like I am the least competent out of all my co workers.  The harder part is that from where I'm from, I was considered the best.  It's has been a very strange transition and it's sucking all my confidence and energy in the process. 
 
2. I don't know what I want to do in life.  I have bought several GMAT reviewers so I can further my studies (related to 1) but I feel that it is not the right thing to do since I dont really enjoy my work and my current job is ultimately not the kind of job I envisioned myself to be doing for the rest of my life.   I am always stuck with the question of what my purpose in life is.  I constantly think that I am wasting my precious time on earth because I'm not doing that is something that is of the essence.  Howver, everytime I ask myself what I really wanted to do, I find it hard to answer because any career move at this point in time (given my visa constraints) will be too risky.   
 
and the most serious...
 
3.  I am gay but I hate to be one.  I been trying my very best to combat the feeling but it's not working.  I know that being gay is totally ok but the problem is- I dont want to be gay.  I always see myself as somebody who will eventually sttle down and have kids.  Becasue I've been away with family and friends, I became more vulnerable.  I'm beginning to develop some feelings toward my male asian co worker who is straight and married (but his wife lives overseas).    I know its totally inappropriate and been trying my best to resist the feeling and distance myself from him because he has been ultimately nice to me and I actually consider him as a best friend but I'm still falling for him.  I feel so guilty.
 
I am totally confused and depressed.  I really need help.  I been having the same problems before but it wasn't this serious.  Scary as it may sound, the thought of ending my life has entered my mind several times.   I've been thinking of going back to Asia as well but I don't think that would solve my problem.  I don't know what to do. Please advise.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 7/8/2009 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
First of all, welcome to the forum.

Secondly, take a deep breath and relax. Try taking life one day at a time and live in the moment. Try not to worry about what is going to happen and what you are going to do. Take it as it comes, it will help you to relax and the rest will fall into place for you.

I find that worrying about things just makes you more stressed and nervous. Taking life a little more in stride helps us to just go with the flow of things. It is a lot easier this way. And you will gradually decide what it is that you want to do.

You can lose a good friend by becoming intimately involve. If you are good buddies and you have eachother to trust, really think hard before you try to go any further with the relationship. Remember that this person has a wife. And they must be happy together, even though they are far apart. If it is meant to be, you will know it. Trust your instincts on this one.

I hope that you continue to post, we are here to try to help you. Please familiarize yourself with forum rules. And feel free to post on other threads if you would like.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 7/8/2009 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear LP,
I also would like to welcome you to Healing Well.

I think Karen has given you some good advice about trying to just worry about today's problems and not go worrying about what might or should or isn't going to happen tomorrow. You are in a tough situation because of your visa. Is it possible for you to return to your home country for a short while to allow you to reapply & get a student visa? If you are interested in that, I would suggest you talk to some schools you would consider attending. Ask them whether you might have a chance to be admitted to their school as an international student, what they do to help students get a visa, how much tuition would cost, what financial aid is available, etc. Work out as many details as you can right now & then head back home for a short while to allow for all the proper paperwork to be completed. I do have friends who have done exactly that & they were very happy to learn a new profession & start working in that field after graduation.

As for your relationship troubles, I would suggest talking to a counselor. Regardless of whether you are gay, straight or bisexual, it is not healthy to be hoping that another man will leave his wife for you. He probably won't & then you would be heartbroken. But even if he does leave her, you will always be worried that he is cheating on you or is planning to leave you. That is no way to live.

Sometimes sexual orientation and gender roles are not straight forward. It is not always easy to balance who we're attracted to, who we want to be attracted to, what our partners want us to contribute to a relationship & what we want to contribute & get out of a relationship. The other members here can share their own stories and offer support, but it really does sound like you are having a lot of difficulty figuring out who you are, how you fit into society & what you want to give to society. Those kind of deep, philosophical questions may be best addressed in a longer-term therapy setting, rather than in an informal support setting.

Please take care of yourself & let us know how we can support you.

peace,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


lonelypinoy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/9/2009 6:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for all the responses. I really appreciate it because it helps me a lot.

After having some good conversations in the chat room last night, I kinda felt that my problems are way superficial compared to what others are going through. Nonetheless, I still feel that not unless i face these problems head on, I'll continue to be a dead man walking.

As far as my work, I guess I'll try to stick to it for as long as I could until a better offer (or situation) comes along. Given the unemployment rate here in the US, i should be thankful that I have a job and I could support myself.

I am still troubled with my relationship issues. I am never expecting that my friend would leave his wife for me bec. i would never want that to happen either. It just kills me that I am having this kind of feeling towards him. Nothing negative about being gay but I never wanted to be gay or bisexual and I've been doing my very best to contain that feeling. I actually hate that feeling :( I haven't really gave in to homosexual acts so I am positive that I have a good chance converting and channeling this emotion.

Although I always wanted to consult a professional regarding my problems, I am really scared bec. I don;t want people to know that I am having these problems. From the country where I'm from, they would look down upon people who admits that they are experiencing depression. I dont ever want to have that stigma.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 7/9/2009 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear LP,
I am glad the responses helped you some. I would still encourage you to pursue counseling. There is no reason why people from your home country would have to know you ever saw a counselor. Counselors in the U.S. are good at keeping their meetings secret. If you are unable to afford a counselor, you can always look for one in your area who is low cost (called "sliding scale") or free. I really do think it could help you sort through a lot of your feelings, but understand if you still aren't ready to give it a try.

Please take care of yourself & keep posting!

peace,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


lonelypinoy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/10/2009 8:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I am seriously considering counseling. I am just mustering enough courage to go out there and accept the fact that I am having these issues and that I need professional help. Thanks again for all the advices.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 7/10/2009 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   
LP,
Hang in there! There is nothing wrong with going to counseling for a short while to sort out your problems. You have so much to give to this world. It is worth it to see a counselor for a while so that you are able to feel happy again & be able to give 100% to your family, your community & the world. Rather than worrying about what people would think if they found out, try to focus on how people will see you when you are healthy & happy and able to live a full life. I have felt that deep depression & the shame of even considering going to see a counselor. Even though it is culturally acceptable to see a counselor in the U.S., my family did not accept that I wanted & needed to see a counselor. But now I am so much better. I still have a bad week every once in a while, but I was so depressed before -- barely able to work, avoiding family & friends, not volunteering in my community ... I felt completely empty b/c I wasn't contributing much to society. But now I am feeling better & am able to do a lot more. My family has stopped complaining about that I was seeing a counselor & now are more focused on how I am back working full-time, able to help out with family responsibilities & planning on going back to school to earn my Masters degree.
I know you don't even want anyone to find out (& I don't think they ever would find out unless you told them), but I really want to encourage you that people will not remember that you ever saw a counselor when they see how you are able to change your life. Stay strong & keep posting to let us know how things are going!

peace,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


lonelypinoy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/20/2009 1:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Just a quick update - things are getting worse. I am feeling more and more depressed as days go by. All the negative news from home are adding to my already stressful life. I still haven't met a counselor for the fear that our company might know about it. I have been out of focus and still feeling lost. I hate this feeling. When would this ever end.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/20/2009 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sad to hear you feeling worse then before.  Is there a reason why your company would be upset if you saw a therapist.
I think a therapist would be someone that could help you and at this point you do need someone to help you through the depression.  We are all here for you and I wish there was more we could do.
 
I wish you peace,
Kitt
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/21/2009 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lonelypinoy,

I agree with the others.....counseling could be a really good thing for you. I understand why you don't want others to know, but surely your counseling would be confidential....I would imagine counselors and therapists are bound by some rules of confidentiality in the same way they are here. You could always inquire about that first before you make a commitment to go. Please do consider talking to someone professionally.....it sounds like you are in a lot of pain, and you deserve to get some help and feel better.
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


lonelypinoy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/31/2009 7:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I have already scouted several counselors within our area, as I feel that I'm slowly falling apart.  I am just mustering enough courage to go and talk to one.  I am also considering just going back home to my family in Asia so I could have the support group I need.  I hope everything works out for the best.
 
Thanks for all the advice.  Very much appreciated.
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 7/31/2009 11:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I really hope that you take that step and see a counselor. You would be surprised at how good you will feel afterwards. They can help you sort things out and give you a different perspective on things. It really helps a lot. So please do take that step towards healing. You have a lot going on right now and I feel that you need and deserve to have the support.

As always, keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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