Problems at work

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depressed24
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/10/2009 3:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I wrote bck, couple months ago regarding my depression. I was ok for a month, but now i'm starting feel down again.
 
I've had this problem at work, my manager has started have some strong feelings towards me and i dont know what to  do. I am married, but i feel the things he says and does (hugging, touching) takes me into a dreamworld..... where i feel i like.
 
But i'm married i dont thing i should be doing this... its feels right, but i feel deeply gulity, which is getting me down.
 
please advice me of what i can do.... becuase all i can think of is to leave the company.
 
dp

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/10/2009 5:58:42 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 7/10/2009 4:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

Actually this could be considered sexual harrassment. I would think twice before I would go through with this. Especially since you are married. It is easy to get caught up in something like this if you are lacking that in your marraige, but yes this is unappropriate.

You shouldn't have to leave your job over this. And if you tell the manager that you are not interested and he starts giving you a hard time at work. You definately should do something about it. You should be able to feel comfortable on the job as well as off the job. It sounds like you are getting into a situation.

I am going to give your thread a subject. Since there isn't onw.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


depressed24
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/10/2009 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes i'm stuck between emoations and been vanabrale in a very deep way. i need to get some control,he may b taking advanage of my weakness in a way.... i've been very confused for the last week, and i dnt know what i'm doing...everything is moving to quick.
 
 

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 7/10/2009 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Depressed,
I just wanted to share that several years ago my best friend got involved with her boss, even though he was married. She knew in her mind it was wrong, but she didn't feel so lonely when she was with him & he promised to leave his wife.

After a year & a half of being together, he broke it off & told her he wanted to try to work things out with his wife. Needless to say, my friend was crushed. What made it worse, was that they still had to work together. He was mad at her b/c he felt she had contributed to almost wrecking his marriage & he made her work life a living nightmare -- giving her all the worst assignments, sending her out to risky locations where small females were not typically assigned, and refusing to give her any credit for work she had done. He made her work ridiculous amounts of overtime without extra pay while sending other workers home early with pay. It was really awful & it took her 11 months to find another position in the company. Everyone who interviewed her wanted to know why she was leaving her department & since "fraternizing with co-workers" was against company policy, she couldn't even tell anyone what had happened, so it just looked like she was not very loyal.

I hope you really think about what will happen if the relationship doesn't work out. Maybe it will, but you should also be prepared in case it doesn't. If you feel like things would be fine even if one of you breaks up with the others on the worst of terms, then that is a decision to be made between you & your belief system. If you don't think you could handle that situation, maybe it would be best to direct your passion elsewhere. :)

peace,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


depressed24
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/11/2009 2:07 AM (GMT -7)   
U mayb right, it would make it very diffcult to work in that enviroment.I cant even be straight with my workers in whats be happening, as much as it feels good, it feels its not right in whats happening.
 
But the problem is mayb with me too, its hard to say, like when ur depressed, low ur not thinking straight ur faded out day dreaming.
 
If i did'nt feel as low at times i would be strong, but even if he holds me on moments u cant control the emontions even i'm pushing away. I need to do something....
 
 
I 'l will try to keep away from him until  i find something, please advice how can i keeep control daisyness,emontions, .....
 
 

akhiker
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 7/12/2009 9:41 AM (GMT -7)   
If you can't control your impulses, I'd definitely look for another job or a possible transfer. It's almost impossible to prove sexual harrassment especially if you appear to be receptive to the attention.

Frances2008 has some very good advice in her post. Can you refocus on something more positive like starting a modest exercise program w/ your husband? Maybe just doing one fun outdoor activity a week w/ him or a good friend?

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 7/12/2009 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
24,
If you want to avoid those dizzy feelings, I think you will need to keep the touching from happening at all. Maybe you could put the "blame" on your husband -- tell your boss that you talked with your husband & he told you that he wanted you to implement a 2 foot rule at work: that you should not be within 2 feet of your co-workers at any time. You can say that maybe it's a silly rule, but that you are committed to your marriage & are willing to give it a try.

I don't know whether or not it's a good idea to actually share what's happening with your husband, but that would kinda take some of the heat off of you. Certainly putting a bit of physical distance between the two of you should help some. However, I think that probably the only way to really get past this will be to start looking for a new job/position. If you stay around the temptation, you will probably be able to fight it off with willpower for a while, but it will only get harder as time goes on.

I know for me when I need to avoid some temptation, I have to really work very hard to keep reminding myself of the consequences of giving in just a little bit. A little bit will lead to a little bit more & then more & so on. It is hard to cut it off at the first sign that you are feeling connected, but that is where it needs to stop. But I know you can handle this. Hang in there & stay strong! Keep telling yourself that the consequences would be horrible & not worth whatever short-term pleasure you would get out of spending time with him. Avoid him as much as possible while still doing your job &, like AK suggested, try to reconnect with your husband so that you can get those desires met by him. :)

take care,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


depressed24
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/12/2009 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you for the advice i will definely take your advice on. It really feels that, your comments have really helped me think differently.

I and  husband did use to go to the gym togather, but then i started to go on my own i got a bit obessed with getting fit and loseing weight,going 5 times aweek in instead of 2times. If i'm feeling frustrauted then i really work out , feeling negaitve energy does make me to loose weight well 1and half stones in a month.

Ur right i will leave theres no way around it....i will stay away...

Tomms monday... i'll try to keep strong *deep breathing*


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/12/2009 2:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Depressed24,

Don't do it. It is nothing but misery. Your self esteem will be destroyed. I promise you this.

Kitt


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 7/12/2009 11:03 PM (GMT -7)   
24,
Just wanted to drop you a quick note of encouragement -- keep up those deep breathing exercises. I was also thinking that maybe if you are permitted, you could bring in a photo of you & your husband to keep at your desk. Sometimes that small visual reminder can really help. If you already have a photo, maybe try relocating it towards the outside of your desk so that you have to look at it whenever your boss comes by. Other than a picture, some people will put up a quote from a poem, a Bible verse, a line from the song from their first dance at their wedding, etc. so that they can repeat it throughout the day & remember what their real goal is. Like I said, for the long run you really need to find a new position, but these kind of small things can sometimes help for the short-term.

Stay strong & let us know how it goes!

peace,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


depressed24
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/13/2009 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I had a good day today, i ignored him and did'nt try to make convesation. But he kept calling me in to do photocoping and faxing 3 times.
 
I kept my mind off it, but it was really really hard... i will try to take sumtime out, itomm i will book sumdays off.
 
i'll keep u posted.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 7/13/2009 8:02 PM (GMT -7)   
24,
Great job! I am so happy to hear that things went a bit better for you today (at least as much as it depended on you). Keep up the good work. Just keep putting that space in between you. One other thing that I have found helps put "verbal" space between me & others it to refer to them as "sir" "Mr. ____" or some other polite title. It is very respectful, so it would be hard for him to turn you in for doing that, but at the same time it sends a very clear message that you want to keep things all business.

I think taking some time off is a great idea. Do try to think about how you will handle that time. Do you have to take calls on your days off? I know that was the problem with my friend -- her boss would call her all the time on her days off b/c he missed her. If she wouldn't pick up, he would turn it on her & tell her she wasn't doing her job b/c she still had to be available for emergencies even on her vacation days. A couple of times she got around that by "losing" her phone and by having her phone "break down & need to be in the shop for a few days to get repaired". That means having the willpower not to pick up your phone when it rings with his number & possibly not picking it up if it doesn't show somebody's number you do know. Another option is to have your husband answer your phone & ask if it is really critical that he talk to you. Most people will back off at least for a little while at that.

I really think you are doing the best thing -- even if you can't work it out with your husband (& I hope you can), there is nothing good that can come of any relationship with your boss. Keep making the good choices & it will get easier with time to know what the right way to handle things is.

blessings,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum


depressed24
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/14/2009 4:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances,
 
Thank for ur mail. I went in today with a plan to book days off, since the manager is my line manager, i need to book days off directly with him. Anyways i put my booking form on his desk since he was'nt there, he saw it half and hour later, and said u need to give 2 weeks notice before you can take time off. I know before i took time for a 1 week and he'd let me, but now rules have changed... i did'nt know what to say, i just came out and sat back at my desk.
 
I am really being tested here, i am sitting writing this mail to you thinking, i cant do this. I need a break, and i feel i need it now otherwise crap will happen...
 
I keep teling myself i need to be strong right now this min, i just dnt want to break now.
 
I wish could of chat to right now.... i'll go to lunch!
 
mayb speak on mail later
 

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 7/14/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   
24,
I hope you made it okay through the rest of your day. I still think you should ask for the time off, even if you have to wait 2 weeks to get it. I will try to be on-line tomorrow around your lunchtime if you'd like to chat.

Try to remember that as bad as it is right now with your boss acting mean, it will be much worse if you give in now & then one of you ends it later. If I'm ever not around at lunchtime, I'm wondering whether it is possible for you to go for a brisk walk or light jog during your lunchtime. That should help with a number of things: get you feeling a bit better since exercises produce endorphins, burn off some of that excess energy & help you to focus on your goals. If that's not possible, try to find any place where you can go to get out of the building -- a coffee shop, the library (stay away from the romance novels), meeting a girlfriend for lunch, a yoga class ... anything that you can do away from your job & boss would work, something physical would be ideal.

Hang in there. I know it just seems impossible to resist him, but that really is best. Are you in a position where you could just quit your job or do you need the income? I'm wondering b/c if you really feel you can't make it, maybe that would be an option. Other than that, if you are really feeling overwhelmed, maybe you could just call in sick. This won't work for more than a day or two & I don't know whether you work in one of those unlucky jobs where you have to have a note from the doctor in order to miss a day of work, but if not perhaps that would be an option for you.

take care,
Frances
Moderator -- Depression Forum

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