I’m 17. I have a hard time talking about what I feel and what I'm going through, but I just need to. I've been through depression before, much milder, when I was about 13. I got through it on my own and didn't tell anyone. I just don’t feel like I can make it through this time with out help. I tried going to the doctors and asking to go to a psychologist. My doctor made me tell my father despite being months away from 18, and he couldn't handle it. So, I went back to pretending everything was okay. But it really isn't. I feel like im trapped in a glass box screaming to everyone around me to listen, but no one hears or even cares. I haven't felt truly happy in a long time and if I'm around others for too long my facade of happiness wears thin and I need to leave before people notice.
I think it’s due in part to what I'm going through, and have been going through, with my family. My parents were never married, and I spent most of my life with my mother, visiting my father sporadically on weekends. She tortured me in ways I couldn't verbalize to anyone. I didn't know what to call it, or how to explain it, I just knew that she made me feel horrible. When I was very little and would cry in public, she would say "Oh would you look at her crocodile tears! What a little actress. She’s so good at lying to get attention." Meanwhile, I was crying because she had grabbed my arm hardly or said something mean to me. As I got older, my mother began to use other tactics on me. She would tell me that when I got a boyfriend, he would like her more than me or she would say I was really fat and ugly (seriously, I'm only like 100 pounds). It got worse as I got older. I began to simply shut her out in any way I could. When she saw an emotional weakness, she attacked it with all of her joyful enthusiasm to see me squirm. When I got my first boyfriend, she loved to make me angry in front of his mother. She always knew the sore spots to poke at to make me scream. She's done much much more to me, much worse things, but there’s no proof except how I feel and have felt all of my life.
I moved out recently to my dads. He doesn’t understand me at all and anytime I show unhappiness he freaks out saying I should just move back with my mother. I could never go back to that hell, but I feel so alone still. I thought this move would save me, but I've gotten worse. He wants to take her to court and for me to testify. I'm scared and confused because I don’t know if I can. After all the abuse, she's still my mother. Everyone in my family is on a side of this, so I can't talk to anyone about it. No one else is right in the middle like I am.
I've been so strong so far. I've held on, gotten good grades, smiled for my father's sake. I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm breaking down. Please just talk to me. Please. I don't know what to do.
Hello and welcome,
I am so sorry you are having a tough time. Can you talk with a counsellor at your school? Any other family friends or relative that you could talk with?
You can see your physician on your own and talk about your problems. It does sound like you need someone to help you and you have been brave coming here. Take it one step further and do seek help in person.
Couple of phone numbers for you in case you find yourself in a crisis.
NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632
Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357