I just need to talk to someone

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Lilly Rose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/10/2009 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   

I’m 17. I have a hard time talking about what I feel and what I'm going through, but I just need to. I've been through depression before, much milder, when I was about 13. I got through it on my own and didn't tell anyone. I just don’t feel like I can make it through this time with out help. I tried going to the doctors and asking to go to a psychologist. My doctor made me tell my father despite being months away from 18, and he couldn't handle it. So, I went back to pretending everything was okay. But it really isn't. I feel like im trapped in a glass box screaming to everyone around me to listen, but no one hears or even cares. I haven't felt truly happy in a long time and if I'm around others for too long my facade of happiness wears thin and I need to leave before people notice.

 

I think it’s due in part to what I'm going through, and have been going through, with my family. My parents were never married, and I spent most of my life with my mother, visiting my father sporadically on weekends. She tortured me in ways I couldn't verbalize to anyone. I didn't know what to call it, or how to explain it, I just knew that she made me feel horrible. When I was very little and would cry in public, she would say "Oh would you look at her crocodile tears! What a little actress. She’s so good at lying to get attention." Meanwhile, I was crying because she had grabbed my arm hardly or said something mean to me. As I got older, my mother began to use other tactics on me. She would tell me that when I got a boyfriend, he would like her more than me or she would say I was really fat and ugly (seriously, I'm only like 100 pounds). It got worse as I got older. I began to simply shut her out in any way I could. When she saw an emotional weakness, she attacked it with all of her joyful enthusiasm to see me squirm. When I got my first boyfriend, she loved to make me angry in front of his mother. She always knew the sore spots to poke at to make me scream. She's done much much more to me, much worse things, but there’s no proof except how I feel and have felt all of my life.

 

I moved out recently to my dads. He doesn’t understand me at all and anytime I show unhappiness he freaks out saying I should just move back with my mother. I could never go back to that hell, but I feel so alone still. I thought this move would save me, but I've gotten worse. He wants to take her to court and for me to testify. I'm scared and confused because I don’t know if I can. After all the abuse, she's still my mother. Everyone in my family is on a side of this, so I can't talk to anyone about it. No one else is right in the middle like I am.

 

I've been so strong so far. I've held on, gotten good grades, smiled for my father's sake. I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm breaking down. Please just talk to me. Please. I don't know what to do.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/10/2009 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello and welcome,

I am so sorry you are having a tough time.  Can you talk with a counsellor at your school?  Any other family friends or relative that you could talk with?

You can see your physician on your own and talk about your problems.  It does sound like you need someone to help you and you have been brave coming here.  Take it one step further and do seek help in person.

Couple of phone numbers for you in case you find yourself in a crisis.

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357

Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
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http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/10/2009 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand part of where you are coming from. Although my parents are not like yours and I cant possibly know what you have experienced with your mother, I do understand your pain and the way you feel trapped and like you have no one you can go to. Im also 17 so, I can see it from your point. Its a hard age because we are almost adults, but not quite there and always seem to be caught in the middle of whether to be an adult or be a child.

I get your pain because I have also suffered from depression for a long time. It was mild when I was around 13..but got severe when I was about 15.. my 18th birthday is actually the 28th of this month... ironically, 18 days from now! But, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel like I have no one to talk too. Although my parents are together, they fight all the time and dont like one another. We have never been close and I dont feel comfortable discussing my pain with them. I tried at first and they dismissed it as being a phase and that sort of thing...

Right now I am kind of on my own. I went to my doctor and asked him to refer me to someone who could help me. Thats when I got my therapist. And she had me see the psychiatrist. So, I have both of them. Therapy has been a mess because I feel she doesnt understand me at all. And the other doc is really nice, but Im still VERY scared about opening up to him. Its a really hard thing to go through when you feel you cant talk about stuff. Cause even when you get the chance, your still scared and skeptical about opening up. My parents know about them and they know I take medication. They have talked with my therapist so they know kind of what is going on, but I havent talked to them about any of it myself. Its just like its not for real and we dont talk about it...

Its really hard going through all of this practically alone. Mostly the only people I can talk to are on here so... I know how hard it is feeling trapped and all alone. Its very scary not knowing whats going to happen and really not understanding why you feel the way you do. Most people dont understand it at all and wonder why you cant just suck it up and be happy ya know. But for us its not that way at all and we shouldnt have to feel that pressure because it IS an illness. And it deserves to be treated like one. If someone was having a heart attack... is it there fault? Should they just suck it up and ignore it? Or not seek help? Ya know... but people just dont know or understand alot about depression and why we are the way the are.

Ive been through alot of my own stuff and when I have panic attacks or anything like that, its always alone. I cry alone. Ive never cried in front of anyone before and now I feel like I really need to cry all the time and I cant because I just feel like I cant let my guard down in front of people. I feel really weak when I talk about all of it. I feel stupid because of some of the thoughts I have and stuff, and its not my fault at all... but its just how I feel. And thats REALLY hard to deal with.

Im not sure what advice I can offer you, but I can offer you comfort to know that you are not alone in this and its totally normal to be experiencing what you are going through. It sucks that no one seems to be on your side and no one will take the time to listen to what you are feeling and everything and I know how frustrating it is. I hate it and its one of the worst feelings in the world. Being alone and feeling like no one cares. No ones care about how you feel... I hate that.

I have had to be strong for myself and just keep going. I know one day I will have all of this behind me and I will tell people my story and make them understand. For now, I feel I am fighting a war all alone. I go to the doctors myself and get the meds and I take care of everything myself. I hold a lot of things in and I dont feel like I deserve to be so alone and stuff but I dont know any other way either... its hard, and I know you know that.

You just have to stay strong for yourself. Its okay to breakdown, I do it all the time. I have too because I cant hold everything in all the time.. But you have to be your own advocate in this. Things WILL get better despite how bad things get or how bad things feel, it gets better. But, you have to look out for yourself. Just because you are alone, doesnt mean that you arent strong. You have to fight for yourself. You cant give up. If you dont help yourself, how can you expect comfort to come to you. Remind yourself that you are a very strong individual and you can do this. With or without someone there with you, you are going to make it through and you are going to feel better. Look toward the horizon and take steps to get there. Talk to your doctor, dont be afraid to ask and be very direct in that you WANT help. You deserve to be get help and that is your right as a patient.

Find a therapist. Find someone you can talk to that can help you out. Do whatever you have to to take those steps forward. Sometimes you may take steps backward and feel things arent going to work, but you can NEVER give up. You can throw things away. Its hard work. If you really want to change things, you are perfectly capable of doing so. Dont let anyone stand in your way.

I hope I have at least helped a little. I hate it when I know there are other people who are suffering just like I am and who are in the same shoes I have been in. It sucks and no one deserves it at all. I hate that you feel so alone and I wish your family could understand you more and be there for you like they are supposed to be. If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know. If you EVER need/want to talk you can just email me or whatever, Im always around to help. I think you will find that it helps to talk about it, even if its a complete stranger. But anyways, like I said, I am around if you need me for anything. You arent alone on here.
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Started Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects on me), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new pdoc-possible Borderline Personality Disorder...
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/10/2009 7:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I SO apologize! I didnt mean for that to be SO long... I get carried away easily =)
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Started Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects on me), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new pdoc-possible Borderline Personality Disorder...
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


Lilly Rose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/10/2009 9:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much. My school counselors I could never trust. Often, I'm in the office for unrelated matters and I hear them discussing what other students have told them in confidence and laughing and gossiping about it. My doctor told me that since I’m under 18 I have to have a parent involved so I can't go back, I cant to anyone he recommends for help with out my father involved. How can I see someone without him knowing?? One time I cried in front of him on accident and he had a minor heart attack and blamed himself for days. When I told him why I went to the doctors the time I went to try and get help he just kept saying I would get better and didn’t need anyone and it probably wasn't anything. I gave up trying to explain it. There are still months until I turn 18 and every day gets a bit worse. I can't talk to anyone in my family about it because everyone has a side, an opinion on this whole mess, with me right in the middle of it. Half of my family doesn't understand why I care about my mother at all and the other half sees me as a psychotic child and would have me institutionalized in a second if they could. I'll never understand why my mother needs to do that to me.

TeNNiSd0C09
Your message wasn't long at all. Honestly, thank you so much. It does help a bit to know that someone else understands part of what I'm going through. I used to feel so stupid for being so sad all the time and guilty like I should be stronger than this. I still do a little, but it does help to know it’s not just me. I never let my guard down either, even talking about it on this scares me so much. When I went to my doctors I was shaking so badly. Do your parents know?

I'm trying so hard to hold on until I turn 18, but I really think I won’t make it without having a major meltdown or worse. I don't think I'm suicidal but I can't see any hope in the future I can barely see any hope now. I just want to stop crying and smile. I mean I can’t even think of one truly happy memory to hold on to.
We must hold on. To something, anything that makes us smile. One small ray of hope is better than only darkness.


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 7/11/2009 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Im not sure I understand why your doctor insists you have a parent. Perhaps its where you live? I live in Alabama myself and I dont have to have a parent to recieve help if I ask for it. The place I go for my therapy and stuff...the rules there are that you have to be 14 and older to not have a parent involved! So, you can go without a parent. My doctor never questioned me about a parent. You should be able to go yourself. As long as you have an insurance card or whatever and ID... I dont see why it matters. Maybe a walk-in clinic or something would work better.

I understand your concern about the school counselor. I actually talked to mine for a year and a half when I was in school. I was too afraid to go to anyone else and I almost died going to her with my problems. Here, its the law that they cant discuss things unless you talk about harming yourself or someone else. So, thats not right that yours talks like that.

Dont even worry about it, I still feel stupid and guiltly for the way I feel all the time. I still think I can handle it on my own. And I still seem to think that I should be able to control myself. In reality, its NOT my fault, I CANT control it, Im NOT stupid, and I should NOT have to handle it on my own. Same for you.

My therapist talked to my parents once and told them a lot about me. Im not even sure what all they DO know. So... but, I havent told them anything myself. Im too uncomfortable and scared to tell them. I feel like a disappointment and stuff... I just cant handle them knowing how I really feel and I also dont want them to worry about me.

Meltdowns and breakdowns are okay. I have them all the time. I HAVE to have them.. keeping everything bottled up all the time, can you really expect to stay so secluded and NOT have a breakdown! I know just how you feel. Alot of the time, I can see a future at all for myself. I can barely see myself lasting until next week. I dont think I would ever attempt suicide simply because I know that what I have is treatable. Its curable! There IS hope for a better tomorrow. Im not going to give up just because the illness I have tells me that I should. Im not saying the thought hasnt crossed my mind. Its the scariest thing in the world. And you really should seek help if you ever feel that way at all. Even if you dont think your suicidal, you dont take chances like that. You can go to the E.R. and Im sure they dont care if you have a parent or not... its there job to make sure that you ARE safe and that nothing happens to you.

I really do get what you are going through, Ive been there. Its hard, but it gets easier. Im not saying that happens over night, cause it doesnt. I havent been doing good at all lately because Im trying out different medications to help me and they arent helping at all.. I just havent found the right thing... YET. So, its a roller coaster for sure, but you cant give up cause there IS hope, no matter what. There ARE people who care about you and want you to be happy and they dont want anything bad to happen to you. Dont give up! Thats the key! Keep your eyes on the horizon and fight the fight... you have a right to be happy. A right to be taken care of. And a right to be safe. Take advantage of that.

Well, like I said, Im here for you if you want to talk. Im going to go for now, but take care of yourself and dont give up!
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Started Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects on me), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new pdoc-possible Borderline Personality Disorder...
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


angelheart0528
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2004
Total Posts : 427
   Posted 7/11/2009 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
smilewinkgrin  Ok first off I am a mother of 2 girls ages 25 and 27 both are on medication for depression the younger for low self esteem and jealousy of older sister because she is skinny and the younger one isn't and the other always picks the wrong guy and feels she has wasted time.......I didn't need to be told and my younger daugher was under 17 when this started we have a pretty good relationship so she told me herself and I got her help asap.....I am 50 as of May 28th I was sexually and physically and mentally abused since I  was a young child sexually from uncle and later on 1st husband mentally physically and emotionally by my mother she drank alot and knows how to make me feel worthless and believe it or not even to this day she does it and I gave up my life to stay in the house with her to take care of her (she is not ill she is 85 healthy as a horse what ever that means she has a her brain cells due to seizures and high temps I don't I have many medically problems and will be seeing a psychitrist who specialices in Post traumatic stress and chronically ill people and people like me who let everyone walk all over them my father passed away in 1978 so I gave up everything because I promised him I would never allow her to be put in a nursing hm my sisters are no help I am youngest.......First thing hon please call a Crisis line and just talk to someone they can explain the laws in your state and help find you the right person to see may even a group of people your own age so you are more comfortable and please remember you were put here on earth for a reason who knows may to find a cure for depression to adopt a child who had no love like you to save a life you are important and you deserve to be loved and cared for and there is someone out there who can and will help you just don't give up and keep trying so get out the phone book and call a Crisis Center and tell them how you feel like you have no control your mom and dad have the problems men sometimes can't or just won't deal with things they can't see or can't fix without their tool box......Sorry so long I hope being 50 didn't make you feel like adults are all the same and don't want to under stand I have been there and done that over and over sometimes I think back and say why but you can't go back so honey go forword and show them all you are special and I feel like I am ready a letter I might have written in a journal at your age....Journals do help sometimes for some people when you don't have a person go in your room turn on the music and write until you get everything out and there is nothing wrong with crying if it bothers your father find a quite bench in a park or bring a blanket and cry everybody crys sometimes.........I don't know if any of this helped but things get better look I have to beautiful girls and if that is all I leave behind for this world then I gave the world my greatest gift.   If you need to vent my e mail address is in the system
 
angelheart aka Desiree
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
      "Life is a journey, not a destination"
                   "Aerosmith"
        
      "You don't get to choose how your're going to die or when.
    You can only decide how you're going to live."
                      
"Joan Baez"


Mystic_Duck
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 7/11/2009 3:58 PM (GMT -7)   
o my i feel for u so much! i honestly kno how u feel and the situation ur in, for the most part, i cant say for sure but it sounds lik it! First o fall im only 19 and just turned 19 so if u ever feel lik u need to talk to someone around ur age please feel free to email me or whatever! i also spend a lot of time in the chronic pain forum and u can alway go over there if u need to find me! Ur situation happened to me in a little different way, it was kinda the oppisite with my parents, my mom was always there for me and my brother and would protect us as best she could but my father was absolutely psychotic... he never physically abused me, although he did my mother and brother and almost every time it was in front of me, but he mentally abused all of us, and that was the worst, and it sounds exactly lik what ur mother is doing/did to u! the major difference tho i think is that my mother was always there for us and we could talk to her, but it sounds lik u cant do that with ur father and that makes it all the worse, iknow, cuz ive exp the whole ppl even family not understanding and cant even grasp a corner of ur problems with all my medical issues that have happened!

I really wanted to make sure u kno that none of this, even how u feel, is ur fault! its not, and u cant blame urself! i kno its easier said than done, but still try to think that as much as u can! As for ur mother, i would really lik to meet her and say some stuff to her.... but its so very clear that she has some major problems of her own, and is so very unfit to hav a daughter, exp one lik u, who is such a good person! she obviously has some self esteem problems cuz of all her comments about ur boyfriends and such, and i really think that she is very jealous of u! she probably thought that ur dad would marry her when she got pregnant and when he didnt, it really hurt her and she never dealt with it! she also prob had some boyfriend issues when she was young... so all the mental sabatoge about ur future boyfriends was her just trying to make her self feel better and trying to convince herself of those things! and then when u actually did hav a boyfriend she was so jealous she wanted to almost get u back for having one and thats why she would goad u and stuff! she is/was acting lik a jealous high school backstabber! BUT i want u to kno that her feeling and everyhting is not ur fault! its all HER issues and she was/is trying to force them on u, trying to bring u down to make herself feel better and that is not ur fault! uve done so much more and been such a better daughter than she ever deserved! and u cant think its ever ur fault cuz its not!

I also can sympathize with the whole family court and testifiying thing, cuz i went thru it for years, when my parents were divorcing and it is very hard and it drug on for so long, so if u ever need to talk about that, again im here for that too! and i can prob tell u more of what its lik and just what i went thru, cuz it would be similar to the position u would be in if that were to happen...

Im so sorry that it seems lik u cant get away and hav no one to talk to! ive gone thru so much of that with people who dont understnad what my life is lik with all the medical issues and living in chronic pain, and it is so hard and u start to feel so bad about urself... but im so glad u came to this forum cuz the ppl on here r so insightful and so caring and will support u! I would really encourage u to just post about the things ur feeling(lik this post) and the stuff that u cant talk to anyone else about, its not technically talking to someone but you will get responses and its really really helpful! i cant even put into words how much the people on here hav helped me! also in the evenings there r almost always some people in at least one room in the chats, and u can go into ANY room and talk to the people! Dont worry if its technically not ur forum cuz it honestly doesnt matter! And its more lik talking than the forum posting is, cuz its more immediate responses... but i think u hav really found a great place, full of caring people and if u talk to us on here and we can help u get thru these next months till ur 18 and can get some in person, perfesssional help! And the other thing that is very hard to do but is also very benefical to do is to start trying to take things one day at a time! its very hard, and honestly im still learning to do it! but it is so worth it and it does help!

Sorryy i went on for so long, but i had a lot to say! haha but again im always here if u need to talk! i try to be in the chat rooms as often as possible, normally i log into the chronic pain chats, and feel free to join us in there or where ever else there are people! im so sorry u had to go thru this, but its not ur fault! i cant stress that enough! i hope we can get u thru this hard time and at least until u can get some professional help! again feel free to email me if u ever need to talk! i hope u start feeling better soon and i hope some of this long post helped!
 
"In God's hands, in God's time."
 
"The scourge of life, and death's extreme disgrace, the smoke of hell, that monster called Pain."


Lilly Rose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/12/2009 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   
This is the first time I've truly spoken to people about this and I'm really glad that I did. It feels a lot better just to know that there are people out there that understand what this is like and well support me like this. Emotions are a no no to talk about with just about everyone I know. I will definitally look up some laws to see if theres anyone I can go to without my parents getting involved. Yeah, my dad cant really deal with major emotional issues. He doesn't understand that its not something that will just go away on its own. Its like carrying a mountain on your back everyday and fighting the urge to collaps under it. He just sees my mother's scheming behing every abnormal thing I do and I cant blame him for that because he got burned really really bad by her and he thanks God everyday that he got away when he did. Sometimes I feel terrible that its my fault he still has to keep in contact with her though. Like I'm the constant reminder, the reason he has to even think about her anymore. I'm not 100% sure what actually happened though. Each side of my family tells me totally different stories and I was much to young to remember. I can only go off what I know of each parent. Its so weird to constantly question whether your parents are telling the truth. Sometimes I even wonder if the only reason my dad actually helped me out all these years was to spite my mother. Thats so messed up because I know he cares even if he doesnt understand. I just cant help wondering. I don't even fully trust him.

Angel heart, I would kill to have a mother like you. So many times I look at other teens with their mothers and they seem so natural and unguarded. Its alien to me. When I first hung out with one of my friends and her mother I had a slight panic attack simply because the girl told her mother so much about her life and what she did and how she felt. I was scared for her that it would return to hurt her like it did to me. When I started to get exposed to more mother-daughter relationships I began to realize that I was the odd one out, not my friend. I do keep a journal and write poems and paint and sing sometimes. Anything to realease emotions that I can't release anywhere else, but theres so much no matter how much I do it always is too much to comfortably cope with. I'm definitally going to find someone, anyone that can help me put these off the charts emotions into a managable order and maybe make them go away. I've lived with some form of sadness for so long its kind of scary to me though to think of not being sad at all. even for a moment. Is that normal??

I have no idea how you managed to survive court cases Mystic_Duck it must have taken so much strength to go through all that. Right now, its more like the darkness on the horizon thats terrifying me. Thinking about it makes me feel claustrophobic almost. My dad keeps threatening to do it because he's still paying her child support, cant claim me on his taxes, and is not my legal guardian by law. He has ever right to, so I can't just tell him "no! don't do it! I can't do it!" you know? I feel awful for even wanting to hinder him in doing it. I just don't know if I would be strong enough to testify. Like actually get up on a stand and say everything in front of my whole family. And everything I've ever accidentially told my mother will be used against me and it will get so nasty. Seriously, it seems like a trechorous event to go through.

I'm kind of nervous to go on chat rooms or anything more intimate than this to be completely honest. This is the first time I've actually truly opened up at all and I'm pretty out of my element right now :/ I'm trying so much I just, i dont know, this is as hard for me as it is helpful.
We must hold on. To something, anything that makes us smile. One small ray of hope is better than only darkness.


barbie101
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/12/2009 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
hi Lilly Rose. I know how you feel. trust me. im only 13 and my mom abused me about a year ago one monday morning. I felt hopeless and I felt like I was in some bottemless pit of anger and frustration. I am clinically depressed and what I found out is that its better to tell someone how your feeling the moment you feel that way. you say you feel like your alone but really your not alone and you have a whole website of people here to talk to you and who care. and im one of them. you need to take a stand and say you know what if im felling sad Ill act sad. if im feeling happy ill act happy but nobody can tell me when to feel and what to feel.tell your dad whats going on and if he doesnt listen you stop him and say  dad its time you listen to me. when you say I should move back with my mom it hurts me that you actually think that. you tell him look im tired of faking a smile everyday of my life and putting on an act just to please you. im through pretending and this is the end of it. you are my dad and you need to start acting like one. dads are suppose to be there and care and listen to thier child in thier time of need and so far you havent been doing that so well.your my father and thats what i have to say. i hope you will actually think of that and try to help me out here. try that and message me back and tell me how it went. I hope my advice could help you in any way possible. smilewinkgrin
 
-?in doubt?-
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