Looking for help

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Ravenwood
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/13/2009 11:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I posted this in response to Luke, but also wanted to start a new conversation. 
 
I just found the website today. I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 12 years ago. I went through counseling and drug therapy for about a year. I finished therapy and came off the meds. I was doing well for a long time, I thought. But, I always felt like I had this dark thing living deep inside me and it was always threatening to come back up and take me over again. I have fought it for years and thought I was doing okay. Last year, my husband went through counseling. His doctor told him he was suffering from anxiety and depression and needed to be on meds. He went to about 6 sessions, and refused to take any meds. He keeps telling me he is okay, but I can tell he's not. He is angry and controlling. We have a 20 year old daughter (she lives at home and is in nursing school), she is really struggling with all of this. He tends to be most angry with her. He hates her friends, he hates her going out with them after classes, he hates her going over to their houses, he hates her texting, he hates her guinea pig. Nothing she does seems to please him at all, unless she is doing exactly what he says, exactly when he says, exactly the way he wants it done (which is what I try to do all the time). She is on Lexapro, now, but says she doesn't need counseling. I think, what she really needs is to get out of the house, but she can't afford it.

He isn't working at the moment and doesn't really seem to be looking for anything. I can't talk to him and spend most of my time trying to smooth things with her, to let her know it's his illness talking and he really does love use. She says she knows, but it is certainly taking it's toll on her.

As for me, I feel worn out, beat up, beat down, angry and sad. I spend a LOT of time asking God to take me out of all of this. I find myself thinking a lot about that verse in Old Man River "I'm tired of living, but scared of dying". I have thought about going back to counseling and am getting some meds, myself, but when I say anything about it, he just talks about how everyone takes the easy way out and how he just sucked it up and that's what everyone should do.

So, I am here, looking for help. smhair

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/13/2009 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ravenwood,

Welcome to our group. I’m sorry your husband is refusing to take the recommended medications for his depression and anxiety. I am wondering if the ‘angry and controlling’ behaviour was there earlier in the marriage, or if this has only been a problem recently. I’m certainly not a professional, but I have to wonder if the anger he exhibits towards your daughter is a separate issue from the anxiety and depression. I agree with your assessment of her situation….she probably needs to get out of the house, if it has become a hostile environment for her.

For the record, I don’t think that going to counseling and taking meds is the ‘easy way out’ as your husband says. I think facing up to our problems and doing something about them takes courage and hard work, and you should feel proud of yourself for wanting to make things better. I’m really sorry for what you are going through. I don’t want to get too down on your husband, but it sounds to me like he needs to face up to his own problems before his anger alienates him from his family. In my opinion, it doesn’t sound like his decision to ‘suck it up’ has benefited anyone.

I think you should go back to counseling if you want to, and do whatever you can to make your life, and your daughter’s, easier and more peaceful. Please keep posting with us, and know that we are here to support you.
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 7/13/2009 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ravenwood,

Basically I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I agree with Raniah, your husband does have issues. I use to be married to a controlling man. It isn't easy to deal with. Everything is centered around them and what they want. So I understand the difficulty of your circumstances. I also agree with the counseling. You need a good support system right now.

I hope that you keep posting and remember that we are here to support you.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Ravenwood
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/14/2009 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Raniah & Gettingby,
 
I am so glad I found this site.  I have been reading a lot of the other posts.  If nothing else, it is good to know that I am not the only one on the planet that feels this way and that I am not just sitting around having a pity-party. 
 
To answer Raniah, my husband has always been one to worry over us.  In the past, it wasn't a problem.  He took care of us, and we knew he loved us.  It has just gotten to the point that his "love" is becoming overbearing.  It has gone from, I love you and want to take care of you to I am doing this because I love you and it's like he's afraid that if we aren't sitting at the house, or being with him, something bad might happen to us.  It's like he's become obsessed with us or something and it's as though he thinks that as long as he is hovering over us, nothing bad will happen to us.  What I have found out, in the last several months is that his father has been taking meds for anxiety/depression for years and that his father's mother had mental health issues as well.  His dad told me that his (the dad's) mother was always afraid to let the kids leave the house.  She would have been happy if her children had never married, and never left home and stayed with her and she could have taken care of them.  I understand that she disliked both of her childrens' spouses and had little, if anything to do with the grandchildren.  My husband has told me that his paternal grandmother never made him feel welcome and was outright hostile toward his mother.
 
To the point, though.  I'm just tired, frustrated, and sad.  I have prayed and prayed for him and for my daughter.  I know my vow is "in sickness and in health".  My prayers have changed, lately, though.  Now, I am praying for my own release.  I'm afraid that if anything happens to me, my daughter won't finish school, but more and more I find that just doesn't have the power over me that it used to. 
 
When I was at my worst, years ago, she was a little thing.  I knew I had to keep going or she would end up with her bio-dad and his family (they were the nearest thing to hell on earth you could imagine).  Now, she is 20 and a year away from graduating.  But, I'm a coward. 

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/14/2009 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ravenwood,

It’s true that when we get married, our vow is to stay committed, ‘in sickness and in health’. I mentioned that to another member who was contemplating marriage with a man who was not tolerant or understanding of her troubles with anxiety and depression. I told her if he was not able to support her in her efforts, he was not good marriage material. However, in that case things were different…..the woman in question is actively working on her treatment, through counseling and medication, and in your case, your husband seems unwilling to acknowledge his problems or to continue his counseling or take his meds. She is at the point where she is not yet married and looking for a suitable spouse…..you have been married for many years, and are trying to keep your family together while your husband seems uninterested in helping himself or the family.

Sometimes in a marriage, we cannot continue to fulfill our vows because the vows have been broken by the other partner and the commitment has been put in jeopardy. I think your husband, as part of his commitment to you and your family, should be responsible for seeking help for his problems. This would include going back to counseling or getting a new counselor, taking the medications prescribed by his physician, and trying to make an effort to put his life back together by actively seeking employment again. Believe me, I do understand that he is ill, and I know from my own experiences how hard it can be to put one foot in front of the other when depression is the driving force. I just don’t want you to sacrifice your health or your very life, and lose yourself in the process, if he continues to refuse treatment. Yes, I believe in the vows of marriage, but I don’t believe in allowing a situation to destroy you, and I don’t think God wants that for any of us, either. That is my personal opinion, and I hope I have not offended you or anyone else who is reading this.

I’m really concerned about you, Ravenwood. I can tell you are in pain, and I know you are feeling powerless to change your situation. I hope you will still consider the counseling for yourself, and hope you will find support here and from others in your life. Before I close, I would like to recommend a book to you that helped me enormously when I was going through some things in my own marriage: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. I hope it will help to put things into perspective for you. I wish you well, and hope you will keep posting with us. (((hugs)))
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18760
   Posted 7/15/2009 1:54 AM (GMT -7)   
your health ravenwood is your health. your well-being is your well-being. your mental health is yours. thus do what is right for you. i send my compassion.  keep well and safe.
 
jamie.
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

Ravenwood
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/17/2009 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I have made an appointment to see my doctor.  Can't get in until the end of this month, but it's a start.  I'll let you know what happens next.  I thank all of you for listening and for providing a safe place.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 7/17/2009 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ravenwood,

I am so happy that you got an appointment with your doctor. Please do let us know how it goes. And if there is anything that you feel that you need to talk about before hand, please post.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/17/2009 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ravenwood,

I'm happy you made the appointment, too. Take good care of yourself.....we are here for you whenever you need support.
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/4/2009 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Ravenwood,

Just checking in to see how you are doing and to hear how your appontment went at the physician's office.

Thinking  of you and wish you peace and happiness.

Take care and let us hear from you.   :-)  

Kitt 


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind

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