IM TRYING TO GET BETTER BUT.....

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bella23
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/18/2009 12:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone
 
I am so desperate that I don't know what to do anymore.  I went to my doctor the other day and showed him what I have been writing to all of you so try and make him understand.  He said it was a very good summary about the way I feel but I dont know if he can help me.  I simply don't know what's happening to me, no-one I talk to has experienced this pain I get in my head and I'm trying to get better but this illness is taking my mind over and I feel like ....  Today has been a really bad day and so was last night.  I don't know how to feel well anymore. I've been going to grow groups but they dont seem to be helping.  I had 3 reasonable days last week and then I was struck with this illness again. This has been going on for too long, people are starting to get sick of me talking about it, i feel so alone.  My brother hasn't spoken to me in months because he wants me to sell our family home but I cant at the moment.  The death of my parents has done something horrible to my mind which I never thought could happen. Please can someone help me this is not depression this is a devil inside of me.
 
Bella23
 

Post Edited By Moderator (Raniah) : 7/18/2009 8:24:07 AM (GMT-6)


Hara
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 7/18/2009 12:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Bella, you just need to focuse on those few days you called "resonable". Depression is nothing to mess with and you just can't get over it. But by NO Means kill yourself Please don't. We are here to support you. You might want to concider talking to someone about the way you feel or you are just going to make things worse. If you have to cry please call 911 on yourself and tell them what is going on with you and that you need help.
 
HARA cry

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/18/2009 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Bella,

I'm so sorry. I don't know what tests you have already had with respect to your headaches, but please do not give up on finding a doctor who can help you. There are some good ones out there, but sometimes it takes a while to find them. Hara is right.....if you are feeling suicidal, you must get help immediately. Call 911 or a suicide crisis line and talk to someone right away. Your life is precious, and you deserve to have a chance at a diagnosis and treatment so that you can feel better. I understand how the ongoing pain seems too much to bear. Just please talk to another doctor if yours is not making the mark. Come back and let us know how you are, okay? We really care.
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/18/2009 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Bella,
 
I am so sorry you are feeling so sad and I have a feeling that all the pressure you are feeling re the house, your brother and the loss of your parents is overwhelming you.
 
I would really like to see you call your Doctor and tell him how you are feeling re your hopelessness.  If you need help immediately do present to the ER.  I want you to find that light at the end of the tunnel and if that mean you need to reach out for help from medical personnel, please do so. 

I am going to post a few numbers for you if you need to talk to someone anytime day or night.
 
Crisis Telephone Numbers:
 
The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

Suicide Prevention Services Crisis Hotline 800-784-2433

Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline 630-482-9696
My prayers are with you so please know I care.
 
I wish you peace,
Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 7/18/2009 9:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bella,

I am so sorry that you are struggling so. I would see another doctor or persue this headache deal. There could be a physical reason for so many headaches. Are you eating right? It seems to me you said that you have blood sugar problems. If your blood sugars drop, that will give you a headache. Make sure that you are eating four to six times a day, small meals, to keep your blood sugars from spiking or dropping. This is very important. Also you could be getting tension headaches. They are no fun and could turn into migraines. They are usually at the back of the head feeling like somebody is squeezing your head. Often if you relax the neck and shoulders, these will go away. But I would keep complaining to the doctor about this. It is nothing to mess around with.

Keep a journal as to what is going on when you get your headaches, how often you have eaten and what you have eaten. This could help you isolate what is going on.

Best wishes to you.


Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


jk1119
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/18/2009 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Depression is so debilitating. Although mine is getting a little bit better with my mood stabilizer designed to work on serious depression, it has taken a long time to get to the levels that are for me. I still doubt that I am there yet, but hopefully getting there. My depression at this time is like nothing I could explain to someone who doesn't understand it - truly terrifying. I have isolated from my whole family, have two friends and I am isolating from them too. I have a hard time leaving the house, as I worry that I may break out into sobbing spells, which does happen, but not as frequently. Best of luck, thinking of you.

Hara
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 7/18/2009 3:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Kitt, Thanks for the numbers.
 
HARA

bella23
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/18/2009 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I went to church today and prayed alot. My mother use to say I always feel good when I come out of church and I sort of felt like that today. I'm abit better than yesterday but I still have a long way to go. Thank you for all your advice (and I didnt say I was low in sugar) that must be someone else. Thanks Karen for your advice but I've had a cat scan for my tension headaches and there's nothing there my doctor calls it fear of the future. All I can say that any illness that affects the brain is one of the most horrible illnesses of all time aside from cancer. When you have peace of mind you have everything. Why god touches our mind like this I don't know, I pray for all the mentally affected people every night before I go to bed and pray that they have peace. I can't begin to describe how this has affected me, I didn't think it was possible for our minds to be controlled like this. God bless all of you because he must have his reasons why this has happened to us.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/18/2009 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Bella,

I will admit that I feel peacful just sitting in a church and in fact I love to visit churches when I am on vacation.  I also love books with pictures of churches.

I am glad you found some peace in your church.  Bless you to my friend and please no my email is open if you ever feel the need to talk.

I wish you peace and happiness,

Kitt



 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind

Post Edited (stkitt) : 7/19/2009 5:22:05 PM (GMT-6)


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 7/19/2009 12:00 AM (GMT -7)   
bella23 said...
 Please can someone help me this is not depression this is a devil inside of me.
 
Bella23
 

 

I think that sometimes depression feels exactly like a devil- but in my honest opinion your suffering is a result of your depression and remember that depression takes on many forms and makes you feel like you are going mad- but you  arent. Keep fighting and i will be praying for you-

Maz XX


                        Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
 
 
'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
 
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, IBS, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, GERD,
Low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium.  Codeine Phosphate. Phenergan. Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14. Proud Aussie.
 
 


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/19/2009 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bella,

I'm glad you experienced a little bit of improvement. I hope that continues for you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you'll keep us posted on your condition. We really care about you, and would like to know how you're doing. (((hugs)))
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


bella23
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/19/2009 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Yesterday I seemed a little better, I did some housework and played with my dog, I even treated myself to a pizza for dinner. I spent most of the time on my p.c. and then decided to watch t.v. I thought someone was going to ring me but nobody did. I felt very alone towards the night and started to cry and then became out of control again but asking god what have you done to my mind? I went to bed feeling depressed and angry. This morning has been terrible again I thought I was showing some progress early last week but I have gone downhill again. I'm sick of ringing people over and over again, I don't know if I'm ever going to get better. I can't handle this anymore!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/19/2009 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Bella,

Trust me on this one please,  you are going to be OK.  I know that feeling of lonliness and being stuck inside your head but you must break free.

May I suggest a few things that might help?  Have a plan for those long evenings when you feel alone with your thoughts.  I always keep books I want to read or silly movies that I know will make me laugh.  Sometimes a chick flick that even makes me cry is good as the tears are different then the ones of frustration you feel with your depression. 

Do you belong to a church group, do any volunteer work? I have a casual job during the school year working with children and they really keep me busy for the days I am with them.  Anything available to you that you could volunteer to do?

When you  are experiencing a great deal of pain and loss,  your  self esteem takes a very severe blow.  Perhaps we can help you build up your self esteem and you will be able to ward off the depression better if you feel good about yourself.

Believing in yourself is the cornerstone to improving your self esteem.  And you can do this by starting out small.  List a few things that have made you proud about yourself or things that you have accomplished that you can honestly describe as a success. I know you have many and remember they do not have to be huge accomplishments.  :-)

Everyone has at least a few things that they can be proud of.    Realize just how much better your life will be if you allow yourself the gift of having a high level of self esteem.  Realize that your relationships will improve and that you can begin to achieve what you want if you really feel good about yourself.

We all believe in you and want you to get better so make that list and keep adding to it everytime you remember something you have accomplished in your life.

Start with writing down that you reached out to the members of this forum looking for help.  That was a huge step and a great accomplishment.  :-)

Gentle Hugs and Prayers,

Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


Taryn50894
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 7/19/2009 9:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello,

so sorry to hear you're suffering. Is therapy helping at all? I think it's good to get your feelings out-in person, on here, or in writing. Remember this- you need to take care of YOURSELF and do what's best for you. Please try not to stress too much. If there's one thing I learned from coping with depression, it's to take one day at a time. Keep your health in mind and do whats right for you, even if it means slowing down.

bella23
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/21/2009 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I had a terrible setback today. I haven't felt this bad for a while I was so thinking about taking an over-dose but I had to laugh when my cousin said your not going to die when you take those pills I will have to come over and stab you to death if you want to finish the job.
No but seriously the tension in my head has been so bad and I've felt like vomiting. I had my lovely niece over with her baby and I put on my acting job all day then when she left I let it all out. I went up to my mother's picture to light her candle still crying and her picture fell on the floor on it's own breaking it to pieces. I thought that might be a sign of her telling me stop being unhappy. I don't know I feel terrible at this very moment as I'm typing this I feel so desperate what am I going to do. I'm meant to go to a grow group tomorrow but I don't know how I will feel. Maybe I should push myself to go. I'm scared the doc will send me to hospital but I don't want to leave my dog and home so I have to push myself abit more to get better this has become like a terrible habit in me. PLEASE HELP ME!

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 7/21/2009 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
go to your grow group!!! i did grow for over 4 yrs. very caring, compassionate and supportive. you need to co-operate with help....grow wisdom.  keep fightin and pushing yourself. with compassion. jamie.

bella23
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/22/2009 12:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I went to GROW today and wasn't too bad and then I went to the shops to buy a new frame for my mum's photo but then I couldn't find my car and I started to get all teary till I saw a security guard and he helped me. I found my car and went straight home where I was O.k. for a while but then the tension headaches started again and now I feel really bad again, I'm losing hope I CANT GO ON LIVING LIKE THIS I feel like I'm going insane.

BELLA23

Hara
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 7/22/2009 1:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Bella, I can relate to loosing your car. I lost my calander planner at a Mental Health Office today and it had over $100 in it. I lost it twice today. Once in the car and then at the Mental Health Office. OMG! I thought I was loosing my mind. I am not doing that well either especially today.
 
HARA

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 7/22/2009 8:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Depression is the devil and has many faces.  Please seek out another Dr. if you feel the one you are seeing now is not doing everything they can to help you.  My depression was a very physical thing, days when my whole body ached, someone would ask me a question and I could not even focus enough to answer, I know how frustrating it can be.  All you want is to feel better.  Sounds like you are doing some positive things and that is good.  Until I changed Dr's and even then got another opinion and finally got meds right, then I started feeling lot better and being able to handle life's stresses without completely melting down.  Do not, I repeat, do not give up!  You can and will find a way to feel better.  Focus on taking good care of yourself and when your mind starts going in the wrong direction, tell it to take a hike and get busy doing something you really enjoy.  Really, you may just need a med adjustment or different med all together.

Good luck and chat us up anytime.  This is the greatest forum and the people here are awsome and really do know what you are going through.  when I meditate tonight I have already promised Jamie some good vibes and I will send you some too!  Believe in yourself and that you can beat this, because you can.

Gem

 


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 7/23/2009 3:14 AM (GMT -7)   

bella, in time you will be better. beating it, well i hope you do! me, it is about management. i too will send positive vibes your way, precious gem has given you excellent wisdom, try to use some of them when you can. as gem says, you can not give up, i too beleive in you, as i beleive in all. fight like heck, we all (here at hw) are in ya corner. prayers of peace and healings to you. jamie


bella23
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/23/2009 5:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart, but today I nearly did give up, I'm losing hope, I'm trying to me strong but this illness keeps beating me, I actually argued with god tonight, i told him i have done so much good in my life by helping people and this is the way you reward me, i told him i wont overdose because my mum and dad wouldnt of want that. I was very close to it. I visited my uncle whose got lung cancer today and after half an hour I started to feel out of control and had to leave I've never done that before. I rushed home and hugged my dog and started howling like a wolf, i was so scared. I rang lifeline and they just listened to what I had to say. The tension in my head has been so bad today, the child in me is coming out asking for my mother and father to help me. I don't know which way to turn anymore, what is happening to my mind, I dont want to go to hospital, I want to stay in my own home with my puppy. I have to try and get a grip on things oh somebody please help me. Why can't I get better what's stopping me I don't know. All I know is that after my parents death something snapped in my mind, was I so dependent on them I must of been. Then I start thinking about my other breakdowns which weren't as bad but I did manage to lose all of my jobs over them and I get more depressed. I DONT KNOW ANYMORE ALL I KNOW IS THAT IM NOT ANNA-MARIA ANY MORE.

bella23

Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/23/2009 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Bella,

Please, please do not give up hope. I understand why you don't want to check into the hospital, but at the very least, please consult with another doctor or counselor or someone about this debilitating depression. We have all had times when we felt stuck and overwhelmed, and sometimes we can't do it alone and we need professional help to come out of the dark times. I'm glad you are calling the hotlines....that is a good start. Please keep trying....don't give up on yourself....and don't give up on finding a physician or therapist who can help you. (((hugs)))
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 7/23/2009 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Bella,  Please don't give up.  You have made the effort to reach out to the HW group. That is a very positive step.  I don't know how long it has been since you lost your parents but there is no time limit on grief.  You need to take the time to mourn their loss. Is there a grief support group you could attend?  That might give you some perspective on handling your feelings.  Also, as others have suggested I would try to fnd another dr. to see if someone can tell why you have the headaches.  They sound like stress and tension headaches but there must be a temporary med you can take to stop them.  Have you considered individual counseling?  That might help.  As far as your home is concerned don't sell it until you are ready.  The fact that you have a dog is good as pets are truly a comfort and it sounds like your dog is good for you.  Please, please know how much everyone here wants the best for you and for you to start to feel better.  You mentioned you sat in a church.  Is that your local parish where you attend services?  Even if not you could go and ask to have a talk with the preacher.  I find that preachers are very good at helping those in need and can be very comforting. Please keep posting, we are all here to help you and support you in your time of need.  There is always somone who will respond to you.  Do try to take good care of yourself.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora


bella23
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 7/27/2009 1:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone
 
I haven't felt at all well the last 2 days in fact I was ready to overdose this afternoon.  The tension in my head is really bad today and yesterday I had the worse day ever.  I cried all day shouting at god.  I went to the doctor today and I asked him if he could change my meds but he said whatever I take will do me no good, this is something I have to help myself with.  I was there for half an hour and there's not really much you can accomplish in that time.  I don't know why I've had this relapse Im really stuck in a rut and finding it really hard to get out of. I can't think, concentrate or even talk to people although I did ring lifeline last night and that was comforting.  I don't even know how I drove to the doctors today.  Im so so scared that this illness keeps coming back to me. I FEEL CURSED.
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 7/27/2009 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Bella,

There must be something that you can do to relieve these headaches that you are getting. Have you went on line to try to find some relief.? Just doesn't seem normal. Not to have them all the time. I get them when my neck and shoulder muscles get tight. I have what is called a bed buddy. It is a tubethat you can put in the microwave. It is filled with rice. I heat it up and then put it around my neck. It really helps. I got mine at Walmarts. Maybe you could try that.

Anyways don't give up. Keep posting here, everybody loves you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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