i hate my brain

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boo32
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 7/19/2009 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   
hi,
I went from having a lovely day with my husband at a sporting event in the lovely sunshine to bawling my eyes out and feeling so down i just hate myself. I dropped him to the pub so at least i'm not making him miserable too.
I hate what i'm doing to myself and to him, have i just got an incapability to be happy and will life  always be this much of an unpredictable mess.
One minute i can be full of hope and happiness and so grateful for what i have and genuinely thinking i'm doing really well.
Then out of nowhere, like a black rain cloud blowing in, everything goes dark and i just shut down.
My husband is as understanding as he can be, i don't expect him to be there 24/7 full of understanding and wise words. But he just keeps telling me to get on with things and i could be so much worse. This just makes me feel even guiltier as i feel like i'm letting him down and that i should be able to just pull myself together.
I'm so tired and pissed off from trying to keep it together.
sorry for the whinning, boo
BikeBoo, biking with my boo since 1999
Of all the things i've lost, i miss my mind the most! But it has its advantages!
Fibro, spinal arthritis and all that goes with it.
GAD


Raniah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 7/19/2009 2:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Boo,

It's so hard when our loved ones can't understand what we're going through. I think it's safe to say that unless people have experienced depression first hand, they really can't fathom why we can't just 'pull ourselves together'. Was there anything in particular that brought the dark cloud upon you, or was it just a wave that came over you after you were feeling fine? I know you said, "out of nowhere", but sometimes we don't realize until later that a certain image or comment or event precipitated the feelings. Either way, please don't add guilt onto your shoulders......you are doing the best that you can. When you are feeling down and want to vent, continue to come here and share with us. We all understand what it's like. ((((hugs))))
 
Moderator, Depression Forum
 
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”  ~Pliny the Elder

 

 


boo32
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 7/19/2009 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   

hi, thanks for the post.

I guess there was something that i can attribute to the sudden change of mood but there is little i can do about it. It's a delicate subject and not one for an open forum.

He went out to celebrate his race success, there would be loads of people there, but no one that i would be talking to. I also don't drink socially as i can't stop myself when i start, so i just avoid social situations like this.

I was supposed to pick him up from the pub an hour later but he phoned to say his mate will drop him home later,(who'll be drinking and driving), i phoned back and he didn't answer so i left a txt asking that i pick him up at 11.30 instaed. Now he won't be home till the early hours of the morning, I could do with having him here so badly, i;m alone and so down, i can't stop crying and will have footballs for eyes for work in the morning. It's 11.35pm where i am now.

I know he doen't go out often, but the little bit of time he has off he never wants to spend time doing anything i want, it always has to be some sporting thing.

Maybe we're just not meant to be together, i think he'd rather be with someone else anyway. I think i'm just dragging him down.

boo


BikeBoo, biking with my boo since 1999
Of all the things i've lost, i miss my mind the most! But it has its advantages!
Fibro, spinal arthritis and all that goes with it.
GAD


jk1119
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/19/2009 4:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Boo,

I have had the exact same experience that you had, feeling ok to feeling rotten just like that, nothing to attribute it to. I do have bipolar, but mainly depression, but it doesn't feel like the extreme mood swings that can happen. Sometimes I feel like I could cry forever and never stop. I've gotten into sobbing fits that seem like they will never end, and it does do a job on your eyes. My husband tries to be supportive, but I don't see him much, he works and I don't and then when he gets home he takes care of our cat, brings him for walks outside, does the yardwork and then it's pretty much time for bed. I get so lonely. I've isolated from my family and friends almost completely. I used to have an active life, but it's all changed. I feel desperate and mostly apathetic, I worry that I will never get my old life back. I'm on meds and still waiting for them to work properly, the wait seems like forever - especially when dealing with such debilitating depression. I don't leave the house and if I have to I suffer such terrible anxiety, it's just ridiculous. It does make me want to quit my meds altogether at times, but then my husband and daughter remind me of how bad I was before meds, I guess I don't really remember. Anyway, wish I had some words of advice, but I really don't, aside to say that I understand what you are going through, believe me. Jill

boo32
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 7/20/2009 1:38 AM (GMT -7)   

hi,

thanks for sharing, i'm in statue mode and considering canselling work today. It's one of those days where i don't want to see anyone as if i do i'ii surely breakdown. I work in retail so it's not easy to hide away. I just can't stop crying despite taking some xanax.

My husband was saying how people in the pub were commenting how great i was at skiing the last time we went away as a group. All the while i was at home having a complete meltdown and he didn't want to be anywahere near me...i don't blame him.

He keeps asking me what's wrong and all i can tell him is that i don't know. Any time i do open up and talk he just tells me to go for a walk and how much worse off i could be. The last thing he said to me was, he's given up and not putting up with this crap anymore. Again, i don't blame him, i really just want to let him get on with his life, and by that i don't mean i'm going to off myself. Maybe i should leave him for his own good, so he can enjoy his life.

i'm totally unable to function as a human should right now.

boo

 


BikeBoo, biking with my boo since 1999
Of all the things i've lost, i miss my mind the most! But it has its advantages!
Fibro, spinal arthritis and all that goes with it.
GAD


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 7/20/2009 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Boo,

I am wondering if you need a mood stabilizer. That has really helped me a lot. I take abilify and it has really changed my moods. Plus it helps with obsessive thinking and worrying. So talk to your doctor about that. If that doesn't work, maybe a mood elavator would help. Either way, I would say talk to your doctor. You could really benefit from this.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Jessica Rose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/20/2009 9:52 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi boo, i know how you are feeling girl... i am the same ,can go from feeling really good and just suddenly come crashing down,,,and i cant seem to pick myself up again...having a good cry helps,,and so does talking,,,I have suffered with depression since I was 7 years old,,,a long time now...but always find beauty somewhere in something that always still manages to make me smile...I still feel sad , but I guess that is life,,,its not fair and life was never menat to be...but I am thinking of you girl... just know that someone knowing how much you hurt and understands can make a difference...It has not been a good few weeks for me,,,so hugs girl!!!hope you feel better soon

 


boo32
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 7/20/2009 11:43 AM (GMT -7)   
hi,
jessica,
welcome to the forum.
It is just so difficult isn't it, and unless you can speak to those that understand there's not much hope.
Thankfully we have that release here, and i for one am grateful for it.

I have so much weighing me down lately but i do definately feel better at the moment. I have a counselling session in the morn and i think i'ii jot down some things now that have happened in the last few days that i hope she can help me deal with better in the future when they come up again.

Finding happiness in something is key, no matter what it is for you.
Your onto a good thing there jessica.
Thanks for posting from you all, it has gotten me through the last 24hrs in one piece.
boo
BikeBoo, biking with my boo since 1999
Of all the things i've lost, i miss my mind the most! But it has its advantages!
Fibro, spinal arthritis and all that goes with it.
GAD


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18747
   Posted 7/21/2009 4:59 AM (GMT -7)   
and may happiness be with you and find you boo. keep safe, you are in my thoughts.
 
jamie

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/21/2009 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   

Boo,

I know how you feel and I too have had my hubby get perturbed with my depression.  He truly does his very best but at times he gets overwhelmed.  He has his own health problems so we actually balance out pretty well in the end.

I am hurt when he gets to a point where he "needs to go up north because it is the only place he can find peace and quiet" yet I try to look at it from his view point too. It is tough to be the person with depression but it is also hard to be the one that loves the depressed person. 

This is a nasty disorder but we are survivors. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other each and everyday.  All those babysteps will get you through the hard times.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


Lexus Lady
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 7/21/2009 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hang in Boo! My husband tries to understand, but remember, they too are dealing with whatever you are going through and they can't "fix it". They feel powerless toward the one they feel they should be protecting. This is your own battle, but they can be there for you and support you, which is everything and the only thing they can do. smilewinkgrin
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