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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/20/2009 9:51 PM (GMT -6)   
please help me...i have once again screwed up and i need help...i am so tired of hurting others and feeling like i waste space on this planet...why was i created?  i contribute nothing but problems for others and i just want to disappear...i have suffered with bipolar disorder for decades and have always avoided suicide but for the first time in 8 years, i am again thinking about it...i have had 2 surgeries in 8 weeks, been off work, and have had a very emotional visit with family from out of town today...then when i got home, i got told by my husband that i am stupid and did a stupid thing...i just want to die but at the same time, i don't want to do it...i just want it to happen to me and just disappear from life...i would never hurt anyone else and would never have to feel that i am taking up precious space from others...i can't stand how people treat me and am so incredibly hurt that my husband called me stupid...i have a master's degree and a good job but no matter what i do, it is never good enough for anyone...why am i on this earth?  how can i keep up this charade and keep living a worthless life...

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2268
   Posted 7/20/2009 11:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so depressed right now. I am wondering whether you see a counselor. Perhaps you could give him/her a call. If not, maybe you could call your psychiatrist to see if they can adjust your meds. I know a lot of times that can make a world of difference.

I will try to post more later. Hang in there! Things will get better, they always do, even if it seems impossible to believe that right now. You are not just taking up space right now. I used to think that same way, too. A friend of mine told me that people are like trees. They go through seasons. An apple tree in the winter does not look like anything. It is ugly & mangled & not good for anything, but then the spring time comes & it is full of beautiful blossoms. But the blossoms don't last for long before they all fall to the ground. It is a beautiful sight to behold, but short-lived. In the summer, they are green, but boring. They give shade, but not much else & require sun, water & nutrients to do that. But then the fall comes & the harvest comes in and all of that planting, watering, nourishing & waiting pays off. What seems dead & useless feeds the entire neighborhood for weeks.

I think people's lives ARE like that. I know mine has sorta been that way. We are not always going to be able to give to this world. Sometimes we need to take up knowledge, care, compassion, and assistance from others just to get by. Other times we can give as much as we take in. Yet other times we are able to richly bless many others because of all the blessings we ourselves have taken in. I hope you consider that. I believe the Autumn time of your life is still to come. Maybe you have seen the Springtime already & feel because it ended there is no hope, but Springtime blossoms last for a week, whereas harvest lasts for months. Keep fighting, keep getting stronger, rely on others when you need their help & I know that one day we will hear that your turn came to give all that richness to the entire community around you.

Take care & keep posting whenever you're looking for support. We have a lot of wonderful members here & I'm sure they will be along before long to welcome you to the Forum.

Moderator -- Depression Forum

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 7/21/2009 12:46 AM (GMT -6)   

Please dont give in to negative thought processes- Death is not the answer to your problems, as i am certain you have so much to give and share, if given the chance. yes you are in a dark place now, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. keep talking to us. However if it becomes too much, ive included some numbers that may help:

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state) (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide

All the best and stay with us!

Maz XX

                        Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, IBS, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, GERD,
Low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium.  Codeine Phosphate. Phenergan. Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14. Proud Aussie.

Post Edited (Mazfire) : 7/20/2009 11:55:21 PM (GMT-6)

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18554
   Posted 7/21/2009 1:55 AM (GMT -6)   
sc. you are needed on earth. if you go..........then you are going to hurt many others. i understand, been there, the light may be dim, but trust me, it never goes out! seek help, thus you can receive the needed assistance. my healing prayers are with you. pls remember that you are a human being with talents and abilities that only you have.  jamie
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