It`s not getting any easier( JUST NEED TO GET IT OUT )

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snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/26/2009 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
For a while now i have stayed away from here just because i don`t know what to say anymore .I`m fighting within myself just to stay here and as the days pass by it just seem to be getting much harder.
I am seeing a psychologist when ever i am able ( with so many specialist appointments i have missed many ) one day i even travelled 600km round trip just to talk to her as it had been a couple of months since i had seen her and i really needed to talk to someone .
I know all the cancer treatments have taken a heavy toll and i`m not frightened of it as i am of the way i`m feeling inside .I can`t express it to anyone i don`t know how to even describe it  i just know it`s there and getting worse.I can`t talk to the gp here as i have lost faith in him with other issues and i really don`t feel confident enough to talk to anyone else .
I am on strong pain relief but that in itself is causing so many more problems ,nausea,vomiting and atleast twice a week severe migraines there just does not seem any relief for the pain .
Most nights i have three to four hours sleep some nights i just lie there but then others i get up and iron or just play games on the computer to pass the time .
I have stopped doing a lot of things and often wonder if i will ever do them again .I just have lost the get up and go to do anything .
Last visit to the psychologist i told her of the visions i have when driving and she is concerned i`m not that worried as i have been having them for a while now but they are increasing and it`s only when i`m on my way back home from being away .Which i suppose has been a lot over the past six months i just seem to be forever going from one specialist to another .
Snowflake . shakehead

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 7/26/2009 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Snowflake, I am so sorry for all you are going through now.  I know it must be so hard going on with your treatments and having to face pain and little sleep.  I'm afraid I don't know your whole story so I can't offer as much advice but having gone through cancer treatment myself I know what a stress it is.  I do offer you my prayers and hope that knowing someone cares will bring you some comfort.  Can you go for a short walk to get out?  Walking is a good way to help with feeling down.  I wish I had more to offer you but please know I care and hope you will start to do better.  You have many friends here and you can post anytime you need support.  Please try to take care of yourself and be good to yourself.
 
Gentle hugs,
 
Aurora

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 7/26/2009 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Snowflake,

It is wonderful to hear from you, but I am sorry that things are going the way that they are. Are you going to have any cancer treatments soon? Have they decided on what kind of treatment that you are going to have? I know that this is so difficult for you to endure. Know that we are all thinking of you and praying for you.

A walk would be nice for you. What is the weather like there? Is it hot? Walking does seem to give us peace of mind and I always feel better afterwards. Maybe some meditation would be in order. Something to clear your head. Maybe distract you from your pain.

I wish I could do something to make this all better for you. It is not fun to see somebody that you care about suffer. But know that I am thinking of you and saying prayers for you.

I hope that your day gets better my friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 7/26/2009 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
hey snowflake, geez i can understand the fatigue, you have done some real tiring emotional kilometres. i have done similar with helping others-whilst i have a dead battery myself. glad that you are posting, you are helping others by doing so, your spirit keeps me going. have been thinking about you, alike you i am stuffed, but i receive so much from the fighters in this forum. and yes you are one of them. keep fightin', remember we are here, your hw dep buddies. thx 4 your courage in posting. with compassion. jamie

Taryn50894
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 7/26/2009 9:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello,

I am so sorry to hear your pain. I have not read any of your previous posts, so I assumed you are a cancer patient? If I'm wrong, I'm terribly sorry.
I know you must hear this a lot, but please try to stay positive. As I read your post, my eyes filled with tears. I'm sure the pain you're in really is indescribable, but I feel for you. I understand what it's like to feel no one understands or that no one can help.

I'm always unhappy. Even when I'm happy. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and no one will ever understand how I feel about life. You need to know that there ARE people here to support you, and you just need to keep moving forward without looking back. Perhaps you can look into a psychologist/ therapist closer to home? You must be busy with the doctors, but you need to do what needs to be done. Just remember that one day you will shine. You just need to keep truckin' through the appointments now, and know that you are a strong and wonderful person who deserves the best life has to offer.

Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 7/27/2009 12:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Snowflake after all you have been through i think you are well entitled to feel sad, unhappy, confused. You have battled more than most in your life. you have taken your cancer by the horns and really tried to beat it, while also balancing depression and just trying to get by.

I am so sorry things are so awful for you and i wish my words could provide more comfort- but i keep you in my prayers- i especially hope you can get some deep, replenishing sleep also.

(((((((hugs to you))))))))))

Maz XX


                        Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
 
 
'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
 
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Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium.  Codeine Phosphate. Phenergan. Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
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snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/9/2009 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all , I just don`t get to come in here very often now just don`t get any privacey at home .Am at my inlaws for a few days am having more tests for ovarian cancer now if it`s not one thing its something else .
Saw the surgeon who removed the cancer from my nose and i was not happy with what he had to say ,i wanted to have the repair surgery done so i can just move on but he said no not until it totally collapses so i have to put up with this until goodness knows when .The other news is that this is as good as its going to get it will not heal completely and therefore i will be living on the morphine ,endone and oxycotin for a good time to come it`s already been months now .simply wonderful outlook not only to take them but to also take other medications to conteract the side effects of those already mention .
while driving up here today i ran off the road three times scared the living daylights out of me ,my mind keeps on wondering and i keep on seeing visions of my car crashed into trees .I think i`m totally loosing it . i know i do not want to be at home anymore and the thought of going back on friday is frightening indeed .
I was unable to see my psychologist as the airport was frooged in and the flying dr service was unable to take off let alone to get out here .my next appointment if she can make it will be the end of the month .
After being away last week seeing the surgeon i returned home to find my daughter had been through all my things again .it`s such a degrading feeling in a way similar to being raped nothing is your own .I told hubby i was so p***** off at whay she does it al the time but he said and did nothing for me i have had enough .what do i do .
i`m going to sleep now as the morphine and sleeping tablets have finally taken hold .
talk again soon .
Snowflake

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/9/2009 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Snowflake,

I have to get ready for work so I can't write much. But I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry that your daughter is going through your stuff again. What is up with her? Doesn't she respect peoples privacy?

I am sorry about the thought of ovarian cancer. That is so scarey. You have a right to feel down. But try to take this one day at a time.

You are on a lot of medications so be careful driving. They should give you adderall or something to keep you alert during the day. I know this is a rough way to go Snowflake, and I am praying for you right now. I am sorry that this is so short. But wanted to reply before I go to work.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/9/2009 10:35 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Snowflake,

Hello my friend.  I am sorry I am slow getting to this but I was without Internet service for over 24 hours due to storms in our area.

You know I am always here to support you and I think your coming here and being able to vent and share your feelings is a good thing.

I am sorry you are going through testing for ovarian cancer. Have you had blood work and do you know what your CA-125 test is?  You may remember my sister had ovarian cancer so if you have any questions, I will sure do my best to find or give you  the answers. You can always email me.

Please take care and be good to yourself.  Tell others you need your computer time and to just bugger off.  :)  It is ok to be selfish when your feeling down and out...........you are important so put yourself first.

I wish you peace,

Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 8/10/2009 2:48 AM (GMT -7)   
snowflake, how are you? i have not forgotten about ya. with loving compassion. jamie.

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/10/2009 5:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there, i`m still here only just coming over yesterday i ran off the road just letting things get to me and not thinking of what i am doing .it happens a lot lately .
Karen how is the work going it must be good to be able to get out for a bit and take your mind off things.As for my daughter i have no idea what makes her tick and now i really do not care as i told my mother in law today one of us are going and i don`t care which one .Even mentioned my plans to the psychologist the other day it shocked her as she was not even expecting it .
Kitt i will get the results of the tests on wednesday had them done a while ago and had to wait until the ultra sounds were done today i colect their results on wednesday aslo so will know by then .Had some bad news from my youngest sister today she has ovarian cancer they found a massive tumor so not looking good no matter what way you look at it .
I hate cancer just cringe at the sound of the word these days .
Thanks for the help kitt it may need it .
Jamiee i`m still here sort of not calling this much of a life living on pain killers and just wishing for the days to end .Not impressed with the drs and their decisions but there is not much more i can do as long as they supply the pain meds i will use them . I have seen so many drs and nooone can tell me where it`s all heading but deep down i know .one day at a time .
Snowflake

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/10/2009 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Snowflake,

I am sorry to hear you had a mishap on the road but will admit that scares me.  Please do not put yourself in harms way my friend.

I am praying for you and please know we all care.

Gentle hugs,

Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/10/2009 6:02 AM (GMT -7)   
kitt it scared the living daylights out of me i actually called someone to talk to as i could not drive on for a while .i didn`t tell hubby about it as i know he would not let me drive i just told him it took me longer to get up there as i was tired and needed a break .Without the encouraagement from this friend i would probably still be sitting htere .
snowflake

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/10/2009 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   

Snowflake,

I am so glad you called a friend and that helped you through.  Back in June I had a bad day while out shopping and started to cry while driving, I could not get a grip so pulled into a parking lot and called my daughter.  I was afraid I would not be able to drive home but she too talked to me and then I calmed down.

Oh my I hate this dreaded disorder called depression that can just stop you in your tracks along with it's side kick, Anxiety.

I am here for you.

Hugs,
Kitt


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/10/2009 6:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Snowflake,

This all sounds so overwhelming to me right now. I can only imagine how you are feeling. I am praying for you.

It is so hard to find the right words right now. Just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Work is okay. I am only working a couple of days a week right now, so I have more time for the forum. I get tired easy so the two days is enough. I told the manager that I could handle three if she needed me. But the summer has gone by so fast and I would like to enjoy the autumn. We all know what comes after that. Not looking forward to winter at all.

I hope that you are feeling better. I know that this is hard for you. I am sorry to hear about your sister. But worried about you at this time. You are a speical person and I hate to see you suffer so.

Please keep posting when you feel up to it. I hope that your daughter backs off and gives you some privacy. It just sounds so selfish of her to be going through your things especially now. I hope that she can realize what is going on and give you a break. I can see where this is very frustrating for you. And for good reason.

I pray that you have a good day today. Or night, which it probably is there.

Take care my dear friend. email me if you would like to.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/10/2009 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   
kitt i am hiding a lot of what i`m feeling inside i just do not want to share it with anyone and then it just takes over sometimes it frightens me so much .Th drs out home is hopeless he just tells me to talk to my daughter but i cant do that she has enough to deal with .
Depression,anxiety and cancer have taken over my life not much more left these days



Karen thanks for getting back to me i can understand that you would be tired and three days would be just enough ,are yo going to work through the winter it might help a bit .
It`s night time here and am sitting in bed on my lap top at my inlaws am here for a few more days had some tests today and will get the results from them and some other tests on wednesday so am enjoying the break away from home .but then i have to return home and thats the part i`m finding increasing difficult to do .because as i drive home i keep on having visions of crashing my car and actually have run off the road a few times after loosing concentration .
snowflake

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/10/2009 10:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Please drive carefully. I wonder if you need something to keep you alert. Maybe some adderall or something. I would talk to the doctor about that. I am worried about you. I fell asleep driving once. It scared the hell out of me. I was on the expressway. I woke up when I hit a reflector pole and it took my mirror out. Luckily I woke up because there was a gully there, I would have rolled it.

I know that you are tired, so i will keep this kind of short. I hope that you are feeling better today. I am glad that you are able to stay at your inlaws. I am sure you are much more relaxed there. I wish that your husband were there to take you places.

Take care snowflake. keep in touch.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/11/2009 6:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Evening Karen today was not a good day had a bad headache most of the day but finally got some relief tonight after taking some morphine .Tonight i do feel a lot better apart from an allergic reaction to something i have been in contact with or have taken .
Hubyy is home he has to work he has taken so much time off from work to go with me to see the other specialists over the past few months and now needs to collect a few more days for the next lot of trips to Sydney .in a month or so .It`s not so bad but the driving does get to me .
During the day time i have been knitting little baby beanies for new borns they are sent over seas to the underprivillaged countries for the poor .Just something a friend suggested one day and it has been good for me as i escape into my knitting just to take time out from everything .
It rained here today it was nice for a change but would like some more out home eventhough it`s lovely and green the gardens and lawns do need the water and i think this summer will be a very hot one so water restrictions are going to be extreemly tight again and the garden is the first thing to suffer ,eventhough i do not do any gardening anymore i still like the flowers .
Snowflake

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/11/2009 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi My Dear Snowflake,

Knitting the beanies is cool. I am glad that you are able to do that. It must make you feel so good. I know it would me. I am not much of a knitter, but I like to crochet. My sister gave me an infinity scarf. For winter. It is all one piece sewed together and twisted. It is 51 stitches accrossed. I am not sure of the length, but if you make one, you can see how much you need. It alwo works as a hood if you put it on your head. I guess it is called infinity because of the shape of it , kind of like an eight.

You sound better today, I am glad that you got rid of your headache. My late husband use to get a headache from the morphine. I guess he couldn't understand how a pain killer could give you a headache but I guess that they can sometimes. Though yours probably comes from your surgery.

Let us know when you get results form your ovarian scan. I hope that everything is okay. You have so much to deal with now. I am still praying for you and thinking about you. You are a special friend, and I don't want you to suffer anymore. I really feel for you Snowflake.

I hope that you are able to water your flowers. I threw some purple cone flower seed around last year and some come up for me. I really enjoy them. I have a lot of gloriosa daisies that reseed every year. They are pretty.

I hope that your day/night is going well for you. As I say, I think of you often. I am glad that you are feeling up to posting.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/12/2009 6:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen well some of the results are in and they are not good parently my liver is in some trouble and now have to go for a scan on it and more tests not something i was expecting and as for the scan on the ovaries that was crap to put it mildly there are abnormalaties on both ovaries and something else on the right one which needs further investigation .hell when will this all end i have had enough .
Snowflake

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/12/2009 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Snowflake,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I hope that this is nothing serious. But, if it is, you will get through this. We are all here to support you through this difficult time.

It is honestly hard to find the words to say. I want to wave a magic wand and make it all better but I can't. I will keep praying for you.

I wish there was something tactful that I could say to make it all better for you. But I am at a loss for the right words. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I am hoping everything will be alright.

You have had so much to deal with, this just doesn't seem fair to me. I hope that something good happens to take your mind off of all of this. Again, I am so sorry.

Know that I am thinking of you. Email me at any time.

Much love and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 9/11/2009 12:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow i can`t believe a month has passed by so quickly ,Travelling to see the drs has sure taken up a lot of time .I was to see anothe rone next monday but decided to cancel i`m just too tired to care atm .
Seein so many has my mind in a muddle one says one thing and the next something totally different .I just think if i stay away then i just don`t have to care .They won`t find something else wrong this way .
This week the family has been down with a flu bug ( just a cold but some men do complain ) anyway hubby is back at work today and i had the place to myself for a few hours once the kids had left me alone .
While i was away this last week my not so little goat became a mum and considering the three goats were called Coffee ,Tea and Milk how fitting to call the new one cuppachino because thats how she looks .She is just so little already running all over the place .
I thought with spring approaching i would start to feel a bit better and would want to get out in the garden if only for a bit but the pain is too bad for more than five minutes ,and then takes hours to settle down .Would sure like some rain out our way .
I have not been able to see my psychologist as she has gone away until the end of october so having to make do with what i have got is really hard .The past two days i wanted to stay in bed ,I have not done anything at all ,thank heavens for the dish washer .
My sister had her surgery for the ovarian cancer will get the results next week it so hard waiting for the results to come through .Even though she seems in good spirits thats the main thing .
Well i am heading off i need to have a little rest .
Take care
Snowflake

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/11/2009 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Snowflake,
 
Hello and so good to hear from you.  Even though you have so much on your plate it is always fun to read about your herd of animals  :)
 
Coffee ,Tea and Milk and now cuppachino, you can still use Latte'  LOL.  I can just picture your little one.
 
Any roos in the area lately?
 
I can understand your wanting a break from all the Doctors and I think that is a good idea as long as you put a time limit on how long your break will be.  Don't just quit your Doctors and therapy.  I sure do understand the waiting for results from you sister's surgery.  My sisters path report took forever.  I will hold you both in my prayers.
 
Do know we are here for you and even if you just need to vent a bit do just pop in whenever you have the time.  Remember to make time for yourself.  You are a very important person.
 
Lots of Hugs,
Kitt

 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
DX: Anxiety, Depression, Osteoarthritis, GERD, Raynaud's syndrome, Skin Cancer and  IBS

Not a mental health professional of any kind


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 9/11/2009 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Snowflake,

It is wonderful to hear from you, but it makes me sad to know that you are struggling so. I really hope that you have some good days and can get out in your garden.

Thank you for sharing about the goats. It sounds like they are so cute.

This will be short as I have to get ready for work agoin.

Just wanted to pop in and let you know that I am thinking about you.

Many hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/11/2009 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Karen,

I hope you are not working to hard.  I have my first shifts next Thursday and Friday.

Take care of youself and know we are all here for you too.

Hugs
Kitt

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