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hrsecrzie
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/31/2009 11:35 PM (GMT -7)   
hello every one, I'm new here so forgive me if this is unusual, but i felt the need to write this down and share it. I'm 17 years old and I've been deperssed since 7th grade. I went to a inner city school, and being the only white kid there, and being smart, i was naturally the out cast. I didn't have any friends, and i felt like i couldn't turn to any one. So i turn to my studies, I was on the Junior Honors socoity that year but it didn't mean much to me. At the end for that year was when my life started to spin out of control. My mom was dignosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I had no idea what to do, or think, or feel. I just burried it inside myself. being the strong person in my family, I carried all for them. Then the net school year came around and every one liked me even less, i think this was because of the strain that was on me all summer had taken its toll. Now I'm a big horse back rider and have been all my life, and at that time i was riding at a barn that my mom had riden at when she was young. That fall a accident happened. A young girl, that was just like my sister, was standing beside a horse and the horse spooked at something and pulled the board off the fence and struck the girl. she fell and her head landed on rocks, killing her instantly. Though that a family was born out of the people that saw it, and we were close. They were my rock when my mom was battling the cancer that was rapidly taking over her body. A year went by and my mom, not being able to fight any longer, died. My world was crushed, I pulled away from every one. Not knowing what i should do. My mother and I were very close, and lossing her was the worst thing ever. But like always I had to be the strong one to help every one else out, sort out there problems, and in doing so i burried my pain. I didn't let myself cry for 7 months. Then every thing started to crumble. My dad couldn't get me out of bed any more, I didn't want to eat, or see any one. I wanted my isolation. That summer i started councling and I hated it. So i was never open to any of it. My friends were there for me, as much as they could be, our little family. during the summer i had found a way to tune out my deperssion, to just ignor it, because i was happy to run around with my friends and just be me for once. But before I knew it summer was up and it was time for school again. I was scared that all of my deperssion would come back, and i was right it did. tenth grage was worse than ninth. there was so much more work and every one expected so much of me, i couldn't tke it and i snaped. I stopped caring if a passed of failed. Accuatly I began to expect myself to fail at every thing. Which made things worse. i missed a totall of 20+ days that semseter. And then the blow, my little barn family started to turn on each other, people back stabing each other. I picked a side and i stuck with it, even when it carried me to another barn. Where i thought i had found a home a place i could be me at with out judgement. And it was for a while but then it started to crumble agian, i was kicked out, and the friend stayed behind. i felt betrayed and lonly, after all i gave up for her, he couldn't do the same for me? That only made things worse, because i started to hate myself. thinking that something must be wrong with me for my best friend to have stayed there where so much was wrong. So i did the only thing i knew how... I sayed at home, in bed watching movies all day long, and reading book after book. not letting myself think or feel anything that was real. but being away from horses for that long was killing me. so i went back to my old family, only to relize how far it had fallen. I was getting more, and more depressed by the minute. It finaly came to the point where when I woke up in the morning I whished i hadn't at all. And that scared me, so i turn for help. I went to one of my school counilors. and they really helped me, they got me in seeing a dr. and i started to feel better. then out of the blue i get an email from the lady that had kicked me out, saying that i was welcome back and that she was wrongly influenced by my friend, and that she was sorry. So i called my friend wanting to know what had happened. And i found out that she had been kicked out because for something her mom said. At the time i didn't know what to believe but, in the end I chose to believe my friend. But after that i noticed that i got sucked in to all for this drama happing around me, and i let it. so ever time something like this happenes im set further back in my treatment, and it makes it that much harder to get up in the moring. It has been close to 2 years since my mom died and i still feel so lost, but though all of it, i have gained some amazing people in my life, and lost some that im better with out. I still struggle with depression day and night, but i am now on meds that help that and i am greatful for that. I have come a long way but i know i have so much further left to go. And if you read all the way down through this i hope that my story helps you, with your path.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/1/2009 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

Welcome to healingwell. You have really been through a lot for your age. and I can understand how you feel. It is tough to lose so many people and in the way that you did. It must have been devistating for you.

You might want to try counselilng again. It may have been that you got a bad counselor. That does happen.

But coming here can help you. Everybody here is so supportive. I think you will be glad that you joined us.

All I can say at this time (being I am short on time) is that try to take one day at a time and stay in the moment. You deserve to feel good and doing this will help you. I know that you still have a lot of things to work out in your mind. Writing things down as you did in your post is very therapeudic. So keep writing.


I am so happy that you have joined us. I will try to write more later, but I have to get ready for work.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


AngMichelle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 932
   Posted 8/1/2009 1:12 PM (GMT -7)   
i know its hard being so young and dealing with depression. I've dealt with it since middle school as well. I haven't any idea what its like to lose a parent and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. One thing that stood out to me is your feeling like you have to be the strong one. I can't just say, "don't feel like that" b/c its a true feeling hard to overcome, but know you have to be strong for yourself, and sometimes, I think its okay to be "weak" for lack of a better word, and let someone else take care of you.
Welcome and feel free to share whenever you need to. Thanks for sharing your story. Best luck to you and your family.
Ang
<S> </S>
Migraines, Ovarian Cyst, repeat and multiple jaw dislocations, depression/anxiety, PTSD, and the list goes on
On Jan 17th 2008 I had a very traumatic situation ending in a colostomy. had the reversal which put me through months of hell, but better now. I have had over 12 pretty major surgeries, 100's of "procedures", my immune system is a NO GO. I've been in and out of the hospital for the last 10 years. I have no real Dx's really. I have a lot of "Psuedo" (sp?) symptoms, so they say. This in just 24 years and its just half the story. (Violin's playing yet?)

Meds: Celexa, Klonopin, getting off pain meds.
(to date doing IV home infusions of antibiotics for pneumonia and staph)

May God give you a reason to smile today, an extra reason to laugh, and bring joy to your soul.


hrsecrzie
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/1/2009 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the support. right now every thing is going ok. I want nothing more than to have a horse, but i can't afford it, and thinking about it brings me way down. and my family don't know wat to do. and it makes it hard to be open with them. i do have a counilor right now it has really helped, i really like her, and appericate he advice.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 8/2/2009 4:02 AM (GMT -7)   
hi i am jamie. sorry it took awhile for me to post. i struggle with larger posts. i am sorry for your loss. i am sorry that poeople did you wrong, i understand this deeply. i want to say that i admire your courage in posting your story of your life and depression. glad you are in treatment, yeah bad days and better days are common, albeit there is no right or wrong way to greive, it is complex and deeply personal. i alike all here at hw are here for you.
 
with loving compassion. jamie
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

hrsecrzie
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/2/2009 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks Jamie. I've learned that some days are better than others, but I;ve notice with me, if im around my family, i get mean, down right snapy and awful. no matter how much i don't want to be a jerk to them, it slips out. im not sure if any one else has had this problem or if its just me.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 8/2/2009 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
nah, we all get it. i too was the families rock. i think it has to do with this. stay in the moment if you can. wishing you well. you are on the right track with acknowledging what is causing your pain/depression.. keep strong. with loving compassion. jamie

hrsecrzie
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/3/2009 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks, sending hugs and good thoughts your way jamie
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