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Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/2/2009 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everybody,
 
 
I would like to share a bit of my story cause I have no idea what to do any more.  I am almost 40 years old and married 15 years this sept.  We have 2 kids one is 8 and the other is almost 1.5 years old.  I met my wife when she was only 16 and I was 20.  It was a great time.  She was wonderful trying to make me happy and I was loving the fact that I found a women who wanted to.  Little did I know at the time she was diagnosed with being a co-dependant. She also suffered from low self-esteme.  Now my wife is the baby of 4.  Her father passed away when she was 8.  I think that has a little to do with her issues.  Back to our marriage.  We were married when she was 20.  I thought it was great. I loved her a lot. As our relationship evolved I noticed I was the decision maker. I was ok at first cause I wanted to take care of her. I enjoyed trying to make her life easier.  As the years went on I noticed it started to wear on me.  I was responsible for more and more and I was getting tired.  I started to withdrawl from our marriage cause I felt like I was getting no help.  7 years in we decided to have a kid.  In hopes it would bring us closer and make our life complete.  We also built a home the same year as our daughter was born.  I then lost the job that allowed us to build it.  I became the stay at home dad which burned her up as she was supposed to be doing that job.  After 3 years of staying home she started to go through a change.  She wanted to descover who she was.  She blamed me for making her who she is now.  I didnt try to but her low self-esteme allowed it.  My fault was not seeing it earlier to help.  Any way we split but for 6 months and then tried to work on our relationship.  We were great at first.  It was all good.  I felt like she was happier.  A few years later we had another kid.  This seemed to make her depretion even worse.  She felt more trapped.  Had no friends to turn to and no time to do anything.  Now here we are going through this again with 2 kids.  She thinks I am the one to blame for who she is.  She said I made her this way.  We continue to try and make it better but she is overwhelmed and said she is numb.  She doesn't think seeing somebody would help her.  So I suggest marriage counceling.  Maybe together can get her the first step she needs.  BTW she is on anti-depression pills but trying to get off them.  She also drinks a lot.  about a month ago we talked about what we felt and we made lists.  Her list painted a very bad depression.  She called herself worthless and ugly and fat among other things.  Now all I am is the blame target.  I have tried the approch that I will not complain or say anything negative that might trigger her rage.  It has worked at times cause she has said she doesnt know if she can ever be happy.  At least looking at herself instead of me.  I love my wife very much and I want us to be us again but it is frustrating seeing her beat me up like this. I am hurt and dont know what to do.. Thanks for listening..
 
Mike

yankee girl
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 8/2/2009 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Mike,

First of all, you are NOT responsible for how your wife feels about herself. Self esteem is exactly that--esteem of SELF.  You can certainly help her as much as you possibly can, but it's ultimately up to each of us to achieve happiness within ourselves. Noone else can do that for us.

If she's not happy about something in her life, she can do something about it---what is it that she wants and needs? Can she articulate that?

It's wonderful that you suggested MC--hopefully you have a good therapist. Obviously her drinking is a huge issue, and why is she trying to get off of her antidepressants? It sounds like she is clearly depressed. If her current meds aren't helping, there are others that might. It's often trial and error to get the right meds.

Have you considered counseling for yourself? There appear to be so many issues in your post---one thing counseling could help you with is to establish safe boundaries---you speak of your wife "raging" at you and how she (verbally) beats you up---this needs to stop.  You sound like a very worried and loving husband.  Take care of yourself. Your children need you.

Yankee girl

 


fibro, PTSD, anxiety, severe nerve damage/several surgeries on wrist, TMJ--have titanium disks, depression, mitral valve prolapse.
 
 


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/2/2009 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Yankee Girl,

My wife needs space and time. She doesn't really have any friends and seems like her whole life is spent trying to make other people happy. IE Work/Kids/Me. I work odd hours and days so we don't have a day off together very often. It's another problem. We have gone down this road once before and it seems to go back to the same way. We lose our way and once again let life get in the way of our feeling for each other. My wife isn't very strong so when life gets to her she tends to curl up ito a ball and stop. That means the responsibilities fall on me. IE house cleaning/Food shopping/Bills/Pool/Lawn/Floors/Bathrooms ETC. When that happens I get upset at her and pull back. It's a cycle that continues to happy over and over. She is at the point of leaving once again. Thinking she would be better off on her own which we all know might be harder then it is now.

As for the meds I think it more has to do with not being able to afford them. They are very expensive and there is no generic. Plus her GP assigned them which concerns me as she isn't a theripist. She thinks they are all quacks. I know she is going to fight me going to see one with me. I am going regardless. I want to learn to be better for myself at least.

When my wife gets overwhelmed she tends to blurt everything out. She has a bad habit of holding things in and exploding at once. Like now. I don't realize how bad things are until its too late. I really wish I did know. Maybe thats a fault of mine I need to learn...

Thanks for your listening..

Mike

ile
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/3/2009 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello,

 

I understand you perfectly. I am married for 2 years and  I ve been living with my husband for 10 years. for about 6 months i have been living a hell. although i  am a psycholog, but not practionier, i didn t realize what was happening. i come from a country were counselling is not encouraged by the society and so my husband was affraid to tell me. till today when i found out a new lie. that put me to question everything. i already read a lot. and keep you inform with coping strategies. i my believe pills shouldn t be an option. they diminish the effect not the cause.

 

bye


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 8/3/2009 12:11 PM (GMT -7)   
You are not to blame for her problems.  Drinking (depressant) plus anti-depressants equals disaster!  But she will have to want to quit on her own, she will have to go get help with her problems on her own.  Not that we all do not need help but unless she makes up her mind that she needs help and is open to receive it, she will not get better and continue to blame you and everyone else around her for her problems.
 
I know this is not a very up-lifting post but I have been where she is and I can only imagine how you feel.  It is not your fault.  Take care of yourself.
 
Gem

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 8/3/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
The drinking is definately a problem. It is a depressant, so it is going to fight any antidepressant that she takes. I hope that she gets help soon. It sounds like she is in denial. Like she doesn't want to try to help herself because she doesn't see a problem with herself.

I would recommend counseling, even if she doesn't go. It would do you good to have some extra support.

I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/3/2009 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks all for the kind words..

 

 

She seems to be so overwhelmed at the moment. She needs so much space to sit on facebook and play those stupid games. She wants to have a social life and I think she is regressing back to childhood years. Since I took her away so early I don't think she ever had that opportunity. When she did come home today I let her relax. I was shocked she didn't bring home more beer as she is out completely. This might be the first time in months she isn't going to have a drink. I checked her car to be sure. That's how shocked I was. Any way I made a great point to her about our relationship. She mentioned why does it take this point everytime before you try. I said well two reasons. For one I didn't know how bad it was for you. You never let me know how much of a problem anything was. You hold it in and then exlode out of the blue. Your own mothr doesn't know how upset you are. I said two if you were that unhappy for years why didn't you seek a marriage counselor? She paused after that. I said you are responsible for how you want to be treated. If I wasn't getting it you need to do something about it. She turned and said well I said something to you. (BTW That ment she made a comment about something). She never sat me down and said Mike I need change to make this marriage better. My wife is to weak to approach me like that. Its the big reason we can't get by this. Understand I do not yell or curse at her. She just has low self-esteme. More or less afraid. As for the MC. I might be going next Tue. She has told me she has no interest in going but I think she will go with me. At least it might give us a start. I just wish we could really communicate better. At least have her open up more. I don't mind e beat up if its for the right reasons. Like I did something stupid..

Thaks for listening to me. :)

Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/3/2009 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Precious Gem said...
You are not to blame for her problems.  Drinking (depressant) plus anti-depressants equals disaster!  But she will have to want to quit on her own, she will have to go get help with her problems on her own.  Not that we all do not need help but unless she makes up her mind that she needs help and is open to receive it, she will not get better and continue to blame you and everyone else around her for her problems.
 
I know this is not a very up-lifting post but I have been where she is and I can only imagine how you feel.  It is not your fault.  Take care of yourself.
 
Gem
How did this end for you??? I would like to know since I am such a target for her anger.  She told me I treated her bad for 15 years and I was told I made her who she is now.  Basically I was a horrible husband.  I have my faults.  I did ignore her instead of seeking help in our earlier years..  I allowed her to get verbally abusive on me and take it.  I still to this day make excuses for her yelling and anger.  My sister yells at me al thew time saying its not your fault. 

Friend861
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/3/2009 11:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Loving Husband, on reading your posts it seems to me that your wife needs a psychiatrist, not a marriage counsellor.

I have mild depression, or would have if it weren't being treated, and managed for many years on anti-depressants prescribed by my doctor. Eventually, however, they didn't do the job and so I went to the next step which was to see a psychiatrist. The man is very good, I believe. He doesn't go into any Freudian or Jungist stuff. He is just concerned with managing life problems in a practical way and finding the right medication to deal with the depression symptoms.

I know it's difficult and expensive, but I think you won't get anywhere until your wife has some professional help with sorting out her personal issues.

Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/4/2009 4:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Friend.. I understand what you are saying. It is 100% true but you have to understand my wife tells me all the time she doesn't need one.. She said they are all quacks. She went to one when we split up for a handful of sessions. She said she stopped cause he said she was fine. I think he was starting to get to her and she ran. She likes to run instead of face the hard stuff. Like our marriage. Now I am trying to figure out how to stop her again. BTW: I would use all of our savings if going to see somebody helped her feel better.

This morning was interesting. My wife geting ready for work was getting dressed and trying on clothes. Nothing fit right to her. I woke up and leaned over and said you are beautiful to me. She went off and continued to change into many outfits. Said she should never have gotten on the anti-depressants and she should in a joking way get rid of the problem and looked at me.. I laughed. I told her she will always turn me on. I have shown her many times that being close to her gets me excited. Yet she continues to remember stuff 20 years ago that I might have said and never lets it go.. BTW It was just 1 comment.. Not a nice one when we were dating.. I can't get away from it.. So downstairs she is getting ready to leave and I tell her she makes it very difficult to make her feel good when she obviously hates herself. If she can't look at herself and be happy NOTHING I say will help reinforce the words. I am still blamed and hung no matter what happens. I will continue to work. Last night seemed to get a little better.. She seemed to drop some of the anger. We talked about her having space to see friends. I agreed and said we can find a way of compromise. She feels 15 years she has been trapped. Mainly I can tell you that was her part not trying. The past 5 years she is beginning to open up. I will do what it takes to have her life more fullfilled. Hopefully seeing the MC will help her see somebody on her own. That is a hope though.. At least seeing somebod together is the first step..

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 8/4/2009 5:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Loving Husband,

I hit the bottom.  I lost my house, my job, my mom passed away, my husband and I split up from all the stress.  We took a almost 2 year break.  I realized that I had to stop drinking and I did.  I threw myself into finding a job, finding a decent clean cheap place to live.  I went to counseling.  After a while everything came back together for me, my husband got his act together as well and we got back together.  All in all we have been married 26 years.  I still get a bit snippy at times, but I try to think before I say something hurtful.  Finding the right medication to help you through is a big key but it is not an easy road, it usually takes alot of trail and error but you do not give up!  Every once in a while I still have a couple of beers but I stop it at that, then I will go months and not drink anything.  I drank to cover up the pain I was feeling inside.  I hope something will open her eyes to her behavior and she will really want to get well.  Please do not let her verbally abuse you, you really need to set some boundries as far as what behavior is acceptable and what is not.  Loving people do not act that way.

Good luck to you and your wife.

Gem


ile
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/4/2009 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
hello all,

well, we can all have to strengthened ourselves in order to cope with people that suffer from this illness. You wonder maybe how. first of all we need to act a little bit selfish. we have to think to our needs to. It follows the example: in an airplane crash, who gets oxygen first, the parent or the child. you know the answer, the parent so he/she can take further action on the child. it is the same situation here. So buy yourself something you like, go to dance, make sport, go out with friends and not complain, have fun. all the years spent with a depressive person draw your energy out. it is very likely to go down with her/him. next step is to see in which stadium is the partner: wants or not to get help. if yes, go urgently to a therapist, do not jump to drugs. if not it will be more difficult. you must act like "if you don t do that i wan t do that, if you don t walk the dog your shirts will remain dirty". everyone knows what his/her spouse cares most. it must be something. sometimes you have to split a few hours, days, week so he/she understands the situation can get worst (I've tried that). it is about the neurotransmitters that do not function to well. in my opinion they need some extra stimulus in order to act. than you must see which are the factors that contribute to develop the illness. is it season, birthday, vacation and just be more careful in to this factors. maybe more counseling will do. After that don t loose faith and be patient.

I will come back with some more specific advice.

Ile

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 8/4/2009 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi There,

I am so glad that your wife didn't buy any beer last night. Is this a first? It surely is a plus towards your relationship. Even a couple beers a day can make us depressed. It is just a natural depressant.

I really hope that she goes to counseling with you. This would be a turning point. Please don't blame her for not telling you she was unhappy. She may have not even realized that. Often we don't realize that we dont' feel good untile westart feeling better. It is as simple as that. I went through that. But her getting better is her responsiblilty. It may take some time though, so continue to remain patient.

You sound like a very good man.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/4/2009 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
getting by said...
Hi There,

I am so glad that your wife didn't buy any beer last night. Is this a first? It surely is a plus towards your relationship. Even a couple beers a day can make us depressed. It is just a natural depressant.

I really hope that she goes to counseling with you. This would be a turning point. Please don't blame her for not telling you she was unhappy. She may have not even realized that. Often we don't realize that we dont' feel good untile westart feeling better. It is as simple as that. I went through that. But her getting better is her responsiblilty. It may take some time though, so continue to remain patient.

You sound like a very good man.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen

Lets hope day 2 and she doesn't buy the beer..  She said she will continue to get off the meds but has no plan on how to combat the depression..  I get mixed feelings on the MC.  I am not sure she will go or not.  my family thinks she won't.  My wife unfortunately would rather hide and run then face the problems. it's who she has been.  She tells me thats from low self-esteme.  Which I do agree it is playing a HUGE factor.  I told her I would chase after her to then ends of the earth but I don't think she would walk out the door to stop me from leaving.  It's heartbreaking knowing she can just let me go..  \
 
BTW: I don't blame her for not telling me she was unhappy I just would like to have know how bad she was doing.  Again she is very quiet.  She doesn't try to say much.  Holding everything in has been her way of life and of course the reasons we have these issues.  I am praying for my families sake she gives this a good effort.  I asked her last night to please lose some of the anger and pain to try 100% with me. She asked why should I jump when your ready but you didn't years ago.  I said if you can be the better person we can have a better marriage soon.  I hope she can do this...
 
Thanks for your continuing support..
Mike

Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/4/2009 8:58 AM (GMT -7)   
ile said...
hello all,

well, we can all have to strengthened ourselves in order to cope with people that suffer from this illness. You wonder maybe how. first of all we need to act a little bit selfish. we have to think to our needs to. It follows the example: in an airplane crash, who gets oxygen first, the parent or the child. you know the answer, the parent so he/she can take further action on the child. it is the same situation here. So buy yourself something you like, go to dance, make sport, go out with friends and not complain, have fun. all the years spent with a depressive person draw your energy out. it is very likely to go down with her/him. next step is to see in which stadium is the partner: wants or not to get help. if yes, go urgently to a therapist, do not jump to drugs. if not it will be more difficult. you must act like "if you don t do that i wan t do that, if you don t walk the dog your shirts will remain dirty". everyone knows what his/her spouse cares most. it must be something. sometimes you have to split a few hours, days, week so he/she understands the situation can get worst (I've tried that). it is about the neurotransmitters that do not function to well. in my opinion they need some extra stimulus in order to act. than you must see which are the factors that contribute to develop the illness. is it season, birthday, vacation and just be more careful in to this factors. maybe more counseling will do. After that don t loose faith and be patient.

I will come back with some more specific advice.

Ile
 
What is scary is this is the 2nd time this has happened in our marriage. The last time was just before our 10 year anniversary.  Well 5 years to the month its happened AGAIN..  We are now just around the corner from our 15 year.  I have done 100 times better this time.  I have not allowed her to push buttons and escalate this further.  I have been more calm and less confortational.  It has helped as she is still sleeping insame bed.  She talks more even though it makes her brain hurt.  I did ask her to try and forgive and move on so we don't have a bad 15 year.  Its in a month and half from now.  after I said that she did lighten up a bit..   Maybe to realize the effects of what is happening and she doesn't want to make it bad either.  Just a few weeks ago she investigated our going away for that weekend.  It was nice to see.  Now she can't even kiss/hug me.  Frustrating...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 8/4/2009 2:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mike,

Try not to blame yourself for how she feels. She owns this. And what may seem one way could be another in her mind. When she doesn't kiss or hug you, it could be that she doesn't even think of it that way. Or mabye she is finding it hard to show affection. I have a hard time saying "I love you" to my husband, at leaast I did for a while. But when I started working, I found myself saying it as I left for work. So that took care of that problem. It could be as simple as that. She really needs to talk to somebody and I think it would benefit you too. I go and it really helps. The support is awesome.

Best wishes for a wonderful day

Hugs Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/4/2009 3:33 PM (GMT -7)   
getting by said...
Hi Mike,

Try not to blame yourself for how she feels. She owns this. And what may seem one way could be another in her mind. When she doesn't kiss or hug you, it could be that she doesn't even think of it that way. Or mabye she is finding it hard to show affection. I have a hard time saying "I love you" to my husband, at leaast I did for a while. But when I started working, I found myself saying it as I left for work. So that took care of that problem. It could be as simple as that. She really needs to talk to somebody and I think it would benefit you too. I go and it really helps. The support is awesome.

Best wishes for a wonderful day

Hugs Karen

 
When she gets this upset she shuts down.  As she told me she is numb.  Today I am convinced she wants to punish me.  My family has already said that.  I talked a little when she came home today and I have figured it out.  She lets me do ALL the talking.  I asked for her response and she said I am listening to you.  I don't have anything to say.  I really am convinced she will drag this out.  There is no rush to seperate or even sleep in different rooms.  I was told by my sister to back off and stop persuing.  I think I will for the rest of the week.  no more talks.  I talked to the MC and it looks like next Tue is a go for me.  Hopefully some professional insight will help this situation. What is really odd this is all about some free time for her.  How can you risk a family on some personal space.  My family calls her a drama queen.  I just find it strange..

Friend861
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/5/2009 1:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Loving Husband.

A good deal of what you say resonates with me. I have been married nearly 36 years and a few years ago realised that my wife has a personality disorder. I believe it is "avoidance disorder". There are differences, especially in that your wife seems to be more open to discussing and acknowledging the existence of her problems.

I wonder if it would help to lighten up a bit. In saying this, I know that my advice might be completely superfluous. You might be doing this already. But I realised some years ago that many of my denials were exacerbating problems rather than easing them. It sort of seemed as if the truth were too terrible to speak, so what I was denying must be true. This implies that I'm a liar, but there's nothing unusual about that allegation. As a corollary, if you can say something then it is possibly not true.

So when your wife claims that she's ugly, and goes on with other silly stuff, you do the right thing when you laugh. But how about: "If you say so, Darling, you must be ugly. You would know. I'm just a fool who doesn't know what a gorgeous woman looks like." Then possibly, you could pick some famously gross woman and say, "Now I realise what you're saying. That so-and-so is a bit of alright! Much better-built (or slimmer or fairer or whatever) than you."

Anyway, it's just a thought. I hope it may be helpful and not out of place.


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/5/2009 4:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Friend I have never tried to do that. I am afraid she would think something is wrong with me.. LOL..

Last Night I avoided her. I left her alone after I took care of dinner which she thanked me. I don't ever her saying that. Then in the morning when I woke up I passed by the bathroom and I think she said good morning but I was half asleep. She came down stairs and said I said good morning to you. I said it back. After she walked out I went and said you know in your sleep you were cuddling with me and holding me. I said thee has to be some passion hanging around. SHe tried to explain herself but stumbled on the words and said look there probably is but anything I say now will come out wrong.

It's odd.. She doesn't want me near but doesn't push me away. I try to give space and she starts acting nice. I have a chance to go camping but its on my anniversary and she doesn't want me to go.She would never go. Does she want us?? Is she making changes with me?? I have a whole laundry list for her. Why isn't she agreeing to working on this together?? Rather seperate. Really confusing..

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 8/5/2009 5:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Is she wanting to seperate, or does she just want a little space? There is a big difference there. A little space could be anything from not being fondled to wanting time out with the girls. So there is a broad spectrum there. I can understand her wanting friends. Everybody needs that. I just don't think she really wants to seperate. I think that she needs you.

As for the drama queen thing, that could be enough to drive anybody crazy. I work with somebody like that. Nothing ever runs smoothely. It drives me nuts. But I try to ignore it. That is hard though.

Is there anyway that your wife would join the forum? That would be good for her. But maybe you want to keep this your place to go when you need to talk. That is truly understandable.

I really hope that the two of you can work this out. Keep posting. Make sure to let us know how the MC goes. I am sure that it will help you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/5/2009 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   
getting by said...
Is she wanting to seperate, or does she just want a little space? There is a big difference there. A little space could be anything from not being fondled to wanting time out with the girls. So there is a broad spectrum there. I can understand her wanting friends. Everybody needs that. I just don't think she really wants to seperate. I think that she needs you.

As for the drama queen thing, that could be enough to drive anybody crazy. I work with somebody like that. Nothing ever runs smoothely. It drives me nuts. But I try to ignore it. That is hard though.

Is there anyway that your wife would join the forum? That would be good for her. But maybe you want to keep this your place to go when you need to talk. That is truly understandable.

I really hope that the two of you can work this out. Keep posting. Make sure to let us know how the MC goes. I am sure that it will help you.

Hugs, Karen

 
I don't know what she wants..  She acts like she needs to run away from the family to have a social life but I think she is seeing if it can happen in the marriage first.  She has no need or desire to have a relationship with a guy as she tells me.  It's about meeting people and having friends..   My confusion with the friends thing is we have a small group of people in the development and she hasn't tried to reach out to them.  I don't think she really wants too many friends.  It's kind of odd..  My wife would never talk about ou problems. IE shuts down like I said. She would rather crawl into a ball then expose herself.  Why she is fighting seeing anybody..  Before I left this morning she thanked me for getting son dressed and gave me a few kisses.  I was in shock..  So when I came home O leaned over and kissed her but she moved a little.  Asked if she was mad and no she wasn't just hot.  So I don't know if we are moving forward.  BTW MC meeting next Tue night at  8PM.  Still don't know if she is going. I hope so..  Also she bought beer today :(

Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/5/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Got to VENT here. I came home and brought home a nice chicken for dinner. ALl I had to do was make side dish and veg. We all got changed and went in pool. Best part of my night. Came in and finished up dinner. Wife fed 1.5 year old and sat in front of FB. We all ate dinner. Mother-in-law cleaned up. I took kids outside to get some exercise and let wife watch soaps. Came in and had to do baths for both kids. Wife doesn't usually do them. Why? I have no clue. Then I hear wife getting upset about the kids doing something. BTW she was on at least beer#2. I will have to brush sons teeth in a bit so all she has to do is give him some milk and put him to bed. This is a normal night when I am home. Should I be the one running or her???madconfused

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 8/5/2009 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

This is a tough one. I feel that she has a right to have friends. But will she drink with them? I am not saying that you should be making the rules. When it comes to putting the little one to bed, that should be enjoyable, not a chore. You do it because of love and necessity. Does she drink during the day, or just at night? I just know that drinking depresses a person, and if she is depressed, it will only make things worse for her. But she is an adult. So this is hard to determine in many ways.

I think that either way you look at it, you should go to the marraige counseling, whether she goes or not. You need the support right now. And I think it will help you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/5/2009 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Putting my little one to bed means brining him upstairs awake and putting him in the crib.. There isn't a lot to it and pretty much they only thing she does with him at night. Well I heard her crack the 3rd one at least and since she started drinking her temper has grown and her patience shorter. She only drinks at night. I think I said that she likes to drink to get away from all the problems at work and life. I guess that means me and the kids.. Though she said her kids are everything yet she doesn't do anything with the, She doesn't play with them. She doesn't try to make my 8 year old feel pretty by doing her hair nice unless its something special.

Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/6/2009 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Well a very uneventful day. I feel very beatup. I think cause I am doing it to myself inside. If this what depression feels like I can understand the hoplesness. I have been told by a number of people including family I am being abused mentally. It might be taking its toll on me after so many years.. Though I hope tonight goes quiet. Staying quiet doesn't feel right. I feel like I should be doing/saying something to win her back..
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