Feeling so depressed today

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KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/5/2009 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   

I am feeling so depressed today.  I have some neighbors who have given us some problems; I won’t go into details.  But I finally reached my breaking point and wrote her a letter.  I tried to remove emotion from my letter and tried to just be assertive.  As always, what I had to say still came out wrong and insulting.   I had regrets shortly after putting the letter in her mailbox; and even had trouble sleeping that night.  The next day I wrote a letter of apology and asked my husband to put it in her mailbox.  (He, of course, was upset at me for the first letter). 

 

But I am still so depressed about all of this for several reasons.  I should have known better than to give her this letter at all, and I should know from past experience in doing this type of thing that it never ends well.  I feel like such a failure because I see other people able to express themselves assertively, and are respected for it; but I can never do it without it turning out badly.  I never seem to be able to handle conflicts well.  I feel like a failure and a loser because of this and I feel such a lack of respect from people when I do try to express myself.  What is wrong with me?  And when will I ever learn to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself?  When I hold them in, it eats away at me.  But when I express them, I don’t do it well and then I regret having done it.  I can’t stop crying today.  Like I said, failure, failure, loser. 


~Karen


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/5/2009 5:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

Try to forget that you ever wrote the letters and start over. From scratch. Start your new life as if nothing ever happened. Maybe your neighbor will understand. Especially after you wrote a letter of apology. But from now on. Think before you act. Give everything the benefit of a doubt. See the other side. And if something is actually bothering you. Speak to the person. But if it is irritating but not worth getting upset over, let things go.

Live for the moment. Stay in the now. And enjoy life one day at a time. You will find that things are so much better that way. Try to look at all the positives in life. Try to overlook the negatives. You will therefore set a pattern for the rest of your life and you should be happy.

I truly hope that things get better and that you feel better. Just remember, think things out thoroughly before you write or talk.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Loving Husband
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 8/5/2009 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Good advise. Don't look at what you can't change. Don't dwell on it. Move to future and more productive thinking. Think of something you like..

KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/5/2009 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, both of you, for your good advice and your encouragement.  I really do appreciate it.  I have ALWAYS struggled with negative thinking; it's a tough thing to break.  But I like the way you mentioned setting a pattern by thinking of the positive and overlooking the negative; as well as not dwelling on what I can't change.
 
I am so self-disciplined when it comes to eating and most other aspects of my life.  But getting my thoughts and mind disciplined has been the toughest challenge for me.  I will try the things you both suggested.
 
Thanks again!
~Karen


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 8/5/2009 8:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Recognising a problem is the first (and a very hard) step towards fixing that problem. Please do try not to feel too badly about yourself, because it takes *courage* to recognise a problem, even more courage to admit it, and more still to work on it.

Would it help to see this as part of a learning process? You tried to remove emotion from your letter - and good on you for trying - and found that approach unsuccessful. You apologised - again, something that is very brave and something that very few people do - and I'm guessing that you're now going to try to find and experiment with some new communication strategies.

Have you tried reading some books on effective communication? They might give you some ideas on how you could tackle a similar problem in the future. This is also something that a counsellor might be able to help you with.

Again, please don't feel so badly about yourself. For what it's worth, I think you've been very brave.

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 8/6/2009 2:27 AM (GMT -7)   
you have done well. i am a great communicator, but i find it hard to say no to some people. as we all are: a work in progress. i too need to work on my weakness, as well as not forgetting my strengths. with loving compassion. jamie.

Brandon T
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 8/6/2009 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
For starters Karen nothing and i mean nothing is wrong with you. your perfect in your own way but maybe writing that letter was good. it helped you release your feelings sted of keeping them in and if the problems with your neighbors got so ba you had to write a complaint they probly dserved it but its good that you sent an apology letter to the but dont beat youself up for it. its in the past and you cant change it.
 
your friend.
-Brandon Thompson


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/6/2009 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen,

I am glad that you are feeling better about this. And I agree that writing the letter of apology was a brave thing to do. Hopefully your neighbors will be less agrivating in the future. I understand your problem. We had neighbors that use to blare their music so loud that we couldn't hear the tv. Finally they moved. I am glad.

I hope that things will go better for you. Remember that you are a good and special person. And that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/6/2009 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Ivy, Jamie, Brandon, & "getting by,"
 
I appreciate all of your comments, input, and encouragement.  I do think that all of our experiences are a learning process and we are all truly a work in progress.  As long as we keep making efforts at self-improvement, we are on the right path. 
 
I have always dreaded face to face conflict and found that I could express myself better in writing.  But no matter how hard I try, I seem to always write something that would have been better left unexpressed.  I probably would benefit from reading some books on communication.  As Brandon said, writing the letter did help me to not keep things bottled up inside.  But I probably should have written the letter and then disposed of it rather than sending it.
 
This is such a wonderful site for sharing experiences and giving and receiving encouragement.  I don't even know any of you, but I love you all!!!
 
Thanks again!
~Karen


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/6/2009 1:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

I also find it is easier to express myself by writing rather than talking. I have always been this way. That I think is why I love this forum so much. It is easier to express myself here. And everybody listens and give you honest opinions.

I am so glad that you have joined us. And I feel that we will be able to support you. Maybe it was a good thing that you wrote your neighbors that letter. I am sure that you were tactful in your writings. At least now, they know how you feel about things. Hopefully they will take that into consideration from now on.

I hope that you are having a good day today. Keep posting and let us know what is going on.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/6/2009 8:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Karen.  I really did feel a lot better today.  And I am very glad that I have joined you as well.  I am usually on the IBS forum; but I do deal with depression and anxiety as well.  I have benefited from so many of the different posts pertaining to all of my ailments. 
 
Keep up the good work as forum moderator.
 
~Karen


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 8/6/2009 11:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen, I once read about a man who made the decision to work on his communication skills. He actually wrote his colleagues a note saying that he was working to improve his communication style, and asked them to please not be offended if they felt that he was not acting like his normal self, and to please be patient with him as he experimented with new communication styles and learnt from his mistakes.

Apparently that letter was well-received... Might you be able to do something similar, next time you try to have a difficult conversation or write a difficult letter?

All the best to you,

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/7/2009 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow; that's pretty brave of him.  I might want to try it out on either family or close friends first.  Or maybe not!  tongue   I'm glad that it worked for him. 
 
One other interesting thing I thought of later: I seem to be able to defend other people better than I can defend myself; (face to face).  I don't know why I can do that for other people but not myself!
~Karen


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/8/2009 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

I think that is true with all of us. I am the same way. Often I dont' think we are objective about a situation when we are involved. So think of it as somebody else and what you would tell them. Take your own advice. I swear this works.

I hope that you are having a good day today. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/8/2009 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Karen,
 
It's good to know I'm not the only one who seems to be better able to defend others than to defend myself.  I think you are right about trying to be objective.  When it involves me, I think emotions get too much in the way.  My emotions have given me problems my entire life!  It's just so hard to get a handle on them and get them under control.  I've always been way too sensitive.  But as I've gotten older I do some some glimmers of improvement.  turn
 
I am having a good day and hope you are, too.  Thanks for your kind words.
~Karen


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 8/8/2009 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't think there is one set, perfect way of communicating, Karen. We're all individuals, and we communicate with other individuals; I think it's important that we can adapt our styles to suit the person and situation, instead of worrying about communicating "perfectly" all the time.

All the best,

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/8/2009 3:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

I am so happy that you are having a good day. That means a lot. I am having a good day too. I have the day off work, but I work tomorrow. It is suppose to be hot and humid.

I have always had a hard time standing up for myself. Often I don't even realize that I should. I think slow and don't say things, but then again I don't say things that I am going to regret.

But when it comes to somebody else, I am there to defend them. And I can see the situation for what it is. Where I can't when I am involved. I often wish I would think as much of myself as I do of others. I have often been a doormat. I guess. But we are only human. And we are kind people and I think that is what matters.

Again, I am so happy that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/8/2009 8:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Karen,
 
I know what you mean about feeling like you've often been a doormat.  I have often felt that way about myself, too.  As far as defending others goes, it's as though we can see their worth but cannot see our own. 
 
I hope you have a good day at work.  It's hot and humid where I am, too.
 
 
~Karen


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/8/2009 8:38 PM (GMT -7)   
HI Karen,

You hit the nail on the head. We can see their worth but we can't see our own. That makes so much sense. At least for the type of person that I am. I wish that I had more self worth and could stand up for that. I guess that is something that people lilke you and I have to work on. Like I said before, sometimes I don't even realize that I am being treated badly. But I will realize it later. Maybe that is a self defense mechinism in my brain. lol...

I hope that you are still having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 8/8/2009 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   
... Also, we're women, and women are often discouraged from being assertive :-).

Karen, I do wonder if perhaps you are comparing yourself to an impossible standard of perfection. There's no harm in being the flawed and *human* person that you are. We all make mistakes. The wonderful thing about you, is that you learn from them and keep trying to do better.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/9/2009 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Karen & Ivy,
That self-defense mechanism doesn't sound too far-fetched to me!  I think we develop ways to block out or shield ourselves from hurtful experiences and situations.
 
I do tend to be a perfectionist in everything I do, setting very high standards for myself.  And then when I don't measure up, I am frustrated with myself.  Unfortunately, I also have a son who is extremely critical of me.  I can't do anything right in his eyes.  He overlooks everything his father does, but magnifies everything he sees in me that he finds negative or unacceptable.  He doesn't even accept me for who I am or the way I am.  He is 29 and lives in another state.  The last time I saw him, I left for home in tears.  I began to realize that every visit with him turns out that way.  I finally had to cut him off for the sake of my mental and psychological well-being.  I hated to do that, but I could see that all I was to him was an easy target for his cruel criticisms.  Of course, I left the door open to him if he ever wanted a relationship with me based on respect.  I haven't heard from him since; that was almost two years ago.  My daughter (my oldest) can even be critical of me at times.  But she has gotten a little better.  I have a feeling her husband may have spoken to her about this.  Now my youngest (another son) is very attentive, caring, and supportive of me.  So at least I have him as a bright spot in my life!  turn
 
Thank you for your support and kind words.
~Karen
Diagnosed with: seizure disorder in 1962; seizure-free since 1969, IBS in 1996,
Mild depression, anxiety, & OCD in 2000, PMDD in 2001, Dysfunctional tear syndrome in 2009
Meds: Phenobarbitol, Paxil, Allegra; Supplements: Too many to list here
 
 
 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/9/2009 10:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

I am so happy that you have your younger son to be there for you. How old is he?

It does sound like you set very high goals. Sometimes they can be unacheivable. Try not to do that to yourself. It is easy for us to see imperfections in ourselves. So there are times when we have to allow ourselves to be human.

My typing isn't that good right now, so I am going to cut this short. I just got hom e from work a little while ago and I am tired. So the brain isn't working too good at this point. I hope that you are having a wonderful day.

H:ugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/10/2009 9:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Karen,
 
My youngest son is 27.  He has always been a very devoted son.  He has always been the one to "fill in" the gaps where my husband is lacking; (concern, support, emotional availability).  Fortunately, my husband has made some progress over our 32 year marriage.  Unfortunately, the children grew up seeing him be unconcerned, unsupportive, and unavailable emotionally.  I think that's why my older two react the same way toward me; they picked up on that.  My youngest son, who is very much like me, has always sensed what I needed and tried to provide it.  Unfortunately, these situations have resulted in him having some psychological problems which saddens me very much and makes me feel a lot of guilt.  I probably came to depend on him much more than a mother should depend on a son.  I have tried to pull back from too much dependency on him, and I have tried to help him as much as I can with his troubles.   But he suffers from depression as well.  I think I will tell him about this wonderful site! 
~Karen
Diagnosed with: seizure disorder in 1962; seizure-free since 1969, IBS in 1996,
Mild depression, anxiety, & OCD in 2000, PMDD in 2001, Dysfunctional tear syndrome in 2009
Meds: Phenobarbitol, Paxil, Allegra; Supplements: Too many to list here
 
 
 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/10/2009 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

I am really happy that you like it here. We are all so happy that you have joined us.

I am really tired, got up way too early this morning. I will write more later.

Have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 8/10/2009 4:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

It is me again. I took a two hour nap and feel a lot better.

I am so happy that you are thinking about introducing your son to this site. I am sure that he will like it here.

It really sounds like you are doing better and that makes me feel really good. You sound happy and contented. Whatever you are doing, keep up the good work. It just seems that with depression, you never know how you are going to feel from day to day. I am glad that you are feeling good.

Keep posting and keep us up on how you are. I hope that you had a wonderful day today.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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