I am feeling so depressed today. I have some neighbors who have given us some problems; I won’t go into details. But I finally reached my breaking point and wrote her a letter. I tried to remove emotion from my letter and tried to just be assertive. As always, what I had to say still came out wrong and insulting. I had regrets shortly after putting the letter in her mailbox; and even had trouble sleeping that night. The next day I wrote a letter of apology and asked my husband to put it in her mailbox. (He, of course, was upset at me for the first letter).
But I am still so depressed about all of this for several reasons. I should have known better than to give her this letter at all, and I should know from past experience in doing this type of thing that it never ends well. I feel like such a failure because I see other people able to express themselves assertively, and are respected for it; but I can never do it without it turning out badly. I never seem to be able to handle conflicts well. I feel like a failure and a loser because of this and I feel such a lack of respect from people when I do try to express myself. What is wrong with me? And when will I ever learn to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself? When I hold them in, it eats away at me. But when I express them, I don’t do it well and then I regret having done it. I can’t stop crying today. Like I said, failure, failure, loser.