Newbie needs backbone help

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tenderofheart
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/18/2009 8:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I was first diagnosed with depression back when I was 18 however I became real good at keeping the depression hid from everyone. Due to therapy and irrationally feeling like I was punished for sharing my feelings I refused to cry in front of anyone or to argue, it was easier to go along with everyone else and agree with them or to just walk away. I became afraid to show my emotions. I have survived by moving forward and not looking back on any of the bad things that have happened to me, many people close to me remark how strong I am when really I have built a million brick walls. I am now 39 years old and after losing my husband unexpectedly in May I am tired of everyone thinking I am so strong. I can't survive this time by not looking back and forgetting everything my husband was to me however I have suppressed my emotions so long that I can't show them now. I have been to the Drs and was originally prescribed Effexor which did not help me at all. I am currently taking Zoloft(starting on week 2) and Xanax. Right now getting into therapy isn't an option as I am not sure how much longer I will have insurance for and there is a years waiting list at our local Mental Health Office.

I am finding it extremely difficult to deal with my family right now. I have been the one everyone brings their problems to, I have been the one who holds the holiday dinners/organizes picnics during the summer, I am the one who makes birthday cakes for everyone and has everyone come here. The problem is I don't feel like doing any of this stuff but everyone assumes I will anyway. My mom will come here and drop off her clothes for me to wash/dry and fold. My mom thinks nothing of coming to my house and arguing with one of my sisters then threatens to slap my son when he speaks up and says not to argue around here that I don't need it and what a rotten mother I am for allowing my son to speak up. My mom stated she is jealous because my sister/brother in law seem to have more respect for me than her. My brother and gf come over with their kids and they expect me to keep an eye on them while they sit around talking to other family members. I have tried to talk to my family plenty of times about how I feel but its like they don't really hear me. If I say no to someone they call mom who calls me and she has already told the other person I will say yes as I can't say no to her. Which is true I can't or I am considered no good, not her daughter uncaring and selfish. I know what I need to do but I can not find the strength to do it and I am afraid a big blow up with my family is coming soon and once again it will be considered my fault and I will be an outcast until someone needs something.

DreamspinnerCheryl
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 8/18/2009 8:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I realize finding an affordable source for help isn't going to be easy, but reading your post, it's clear that you desperately need some competent counseling. Have you talked to your doctor, explained the financial situation, and asked if there is any help available at reduced rate, or free, in your area? It sounds as though your family is using you for a doormat-and you need help building your self-esteem up in order to stand up to them. Plus, you're still dealing with the loss of your husband, and deserve help with that. My heart goes out to you.

Please, don't give up on finding someone to point you in the right direction toward getting counseling. You deserve it, you need it, and surely there is someone in your area who can help you.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18775
   Posted 8/19/2009 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   
dear tender of heart. hello, and welcome to the forum. i am jamie, male and 37. time for you to no longer be everyones support, cleaning, baby sitting, do whatever mum says person. you are an adult, and a human being-WITH REAL FEELINGS!!! my immediate suggestion is to join a support group and read some books on self-esteem and how to fight back.......nicely. there are plenty of ways to skin a cat!! time to reverse some roles.......try it.........see how they like it!! me i am a very compassionate man, and i am a little aggrieved at was is happening to you, as it happened to me, thus i am releasing my inner tiger to help you. no more yes person!! since this is has been going on awhile i think that something that will shock them is in order.......think outside the square.
 
yes i do not want you to take the magor hit of the explosion........if things urupt, but i do not want you imploding either. they have ASSUMED (everyone) that no is yes, and that if things go bad that i will get mum involved. this is your life.....people need not to assume, people need to ask, you are not being respected, thus you need to advise these people if you were me would you stand for this!! your health and your life is meant for enjoyment, consideration and respect. yes i agree with cheryl-counselling is important, and you are allowed to grieve in your own way and time. i lost my lady 3 + yrs ago, s@#t did i cry!!
 
furthermore how you live your life is your business, how you bring up your children as well. a thing to remember is that people have instilled in you how, what, when and why.......you do not do this to them...plus kids model what they see. you just need some good info, maybe a couple of sessions with a counsellor will give you some clear tools to help get you living your life. with loving compassion. jamie
 
ps admire your courage in seeking assistance and posting on this forum. you have done well. keep posting, we care.
 
jamie
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

tenderofheart
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/21/2009 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Well the big blow up with my family came just as I knew it would. I tried to explain to my mom how I felt but she kept saying it was my issue not hers. My mom, brother, his girlfriend and 3 kids have all been up at my house the last three days. They were discussing moving in together while my kids and I watched their children. The first day wasn't a big deal but it was continuously happening and I wasn't asked if I was up to the company or anything. Tonight I mentioned to my mother that having everyone here was too much for me especially when bros gf didn't watch the kids and I have been trying to stay busy by remodeling my house. Somehow my mother twisted everything I said around and only heard I didn't want her here. She brought up something that happened over a year ago. She borrowed a casserole dish from me and broke the cover on it came into my house crying over it. I told her then it wasn't a big deal to me. My mom told me tonight that the dish had sentimental value to her as she bought it for me and apparently I didn't care about anything she gave me. I tried to tell her material things didn't mean nothing to me that she wasn't hurt when the dish fell. She didn't get cut picking up the pieces and that is all that mattered to me. Needless to say my mom said she wouldn't give me anything ever again. My sister was here and tried to help get mom understand how I felt she used the scenario of falling through my patio door. I would be more concerned with the person falling through the door and my mom said she would be more worried about the door. I guess I should of stopped then trying to explain myself because my mom said do you ever think about why I am the way I am and went on to tell me a story about trouble she got into for breaking an antique as a kid. To me an antique isn't even close to the same as a casserole dish. By this time my anxiety is starting to come on strong so I take my med for it and I told mom I hated talking to her because she never listened to what I had to say and it always went back to how she is the one wronged and I don't do anything for her. Needless to say she got up and walked out of my house saying she will never return. This is not the first time something like this has happened but every time it does I end up bawling, and my kids see this and get angry at their grandmother, I try to tell my kids that our arguments shouldn't become theirs with their grandmother but they seem to lose a little of respect for her each time it happens and mom sees they lose respect for her but she feels its due to me talking about her to them.

I am feeling so depressed and guilty right now knowing that my mom feels that I don't want her when that isn't what I was trying to say. I feel guilty that I couldn't control my emotions and my kids seen me cry and now my kids are angry at grandma. I feel guilty that I haven't been able to do any work in my house the past few days and my plans were to replace the rotted floor around my toilet today till everyone came here at 10 in the morning and didn't leave till 4:30, I feel angry that my husband left me to do all this by myself then I feel guilty for being angry as he had no plans of dying, If it wasn't for my kids I honestly don't know where I would be right now i keep trying to make the days as normal as possible since their step dad passed away, on the plus side I know I will not be getting visitors tomorrow so just maybe my bathroom floor will get done before someone falls through it

Daisysmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 168
   Posted 8/21/2009 10:03 PM (GMT -7)   
reading your post I just can't understand why these people are so selfish. Be nice to them? Why. I think it's time to tell them to just get out of your house and next time they want to come over to call first ... sounds like they totally take you for granted.

It bugs me because my brother died a few months ago, and my mother is getting resentful at my sister-in-law... "oh why doesn't she return my phone calls" right away and "he was my son, she should talk to me." blah blah My mother is a widow twice (though if she truly loved either husband, I'd be surprised) and it seems to me that she doesn't listen to my sister-in-law when she does hear from her. Just talks about her own darned self. And when my brother was alive, she sure didn't call very much or visit them. And they always lived like a couple miles down the road. But now... oh now, she acts like she'd be there every Sunday if he was still alive.

I avoided my mother for about 20 years but now feel obligated to help her. I feel sorry for her, but each time i see her it just puts the pieces of the puzzle in place. She really screwed up a lot of things all by her own doing. So I drive the 100 miles round trip to her house each week, but I have been dishing out my opinions. Like when she tells me how she complained about my stepsister to her face, I just make some comment like, "oh, nice. Burn your bridges. Then I'll have to keep doing everything." Ha! Mean, sure. But I am just tired of the lies she tells and tired of being quiet all the time. Why should I have to run to a therapist to vent, I'll just get a little load off my chest while I am spending my whole darned day off of work running errands for her.

Anyway, that's just my point of view. I hope you will be well.

--daisysmom

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/22/2009 3:33 PM (GMT -7)   
 
First of all Welcome to HealingWell.  I am sorry you are feeling depressed and hope you can get some counseling.
 
While, trying to grow and live to achieve your goals and dreams, there could be family members who can defer them if they try to take advantage of you. Use these tips to prevent that from happening.
 
Be nice, but yet assertive. Assertiveness is enjoying your rights, expressing your feelings, asking for what you want, stating your views - with integrity, honesty, directness, respect for others.
 
Stay focused on your goals and always have a plan of where you are going in life.
 
Remain around positive people.

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
I wish you Peace,
Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18775
   Posted 8/23/2009 2:40 AM (GMT -7)   
just wanted to pop in and say be you, be positive and remember we care about you. jamie.

Daisysmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 168
   Posted 8/25/2009 10:18 PM (GMT -7)   
tenderofheart,

I hope whatever i said didn't come out the wrong way... I just meant to say, I would hope that your family tries to be supportive of you, since you are the one hurting the most after your husband's death.

peace,

daisysmom
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