So Bummed and Discouraged

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TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 8/22/2009 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys, I know I havent been around much, but I always check out the other posts I have just been really quiet lately...but Im here now seeking some words of encouragement or anything at all. I just need to get some things out so here goes:
 
I feel so bummed out right now about how my life is going. I feel like so much is missing and theres a huge hole somewhere and I dont know whats missing. I feel like I havent been in the game 100% and I havent been the friend I am capable of being or family member... ya know. I dont feel like I have been all there for my family and friends and I really care about people and everything more than anything else... but I just feel like I havent been all there and somethings wrong.
 
I start college this week and Im so discouraged because I dont know what path I want to take my life in anymore. I dreamed of becoming a doctor and that dream disappeared when I got depression and everything. I felt like I would never be able to handle the stress of school and med school and working all the time and everything that comes with that. But, its so rewarding to be able to help people like that and do something I like. Not to mention, it would be good financially in the future as well. But now, my major is nursing and I still dont think I can handle all the work because I never have energy. Im always tired and Im never 100% up for anything anymore.
 
I feel very lost because I have no clue what to do with my life anymore. I am interested in someone right now, but things are slow and Im trying to build a relationship with them and like anyone else I am only searching for my soul mate ya know.
 
One of my best friends in pregnant. Long story short, she cant provide for the kid she has now and doesnt need another one, nor do I think she is a responsible 1st choice for a parent. The thing is, I am the only person supporting her. Going to doc appts. and watching her 3 yr old, cooking... etc. But the BIG thing is.... she wants a girl. She does NOT want another boy. If its a boy, she wants to give it away.... to me. My mom wants to adopt it and then I take care of it until Im 21 and can officially adopt it myself if I want to. Im only 18. I am a very responsible person and I absolutely love kids. I am very good with them and I am very patient. I have had tons of experience and I know how hard it is... but I would still do it. The thing is, she is convinced shes having a girl and Im afraid if she finds out shes having a boy it will crush her... however, I dont want her to have a girl because she cant take care of it.... ya know. So right now, Im really hoping for a boy, even though it would change my life.
 
I just have so much going on and I feel like Im wasting my life. Theres something Im not doing and theres something Im missing... and I dont know what it is. Im just so down right now.. I have had some really good days and some really bad days on my new meds so I cant tell if its any better. I have had at least a few good days for a change, but Im still not happy overall. I have no energy and Im ALWAYS tired. Even when I do nothing. Im so exhausted. I feel like Im not giving my friends the attention they deserve. As well as my family.
 
This just isnt working with the type of person I am. I like being with friends and family and having fun and being there all the time for anyone. And I hate that Im not able too... Its tearing me apart, really. I just dont know how much longer I can handle it. Im missing something and its driving me crazy. I know I should be doing something or something. Like Im searching for an opportunity and nothing is coming my way.
 
Im just so bummed out and so discouraged right now, Im not sure what to do anymore. Something has to change, seriously, Im so sick of this all the time. Its ruining my life completely. My friends, my family, my dreams... everything has changed and went downhill.. I have given up on everything that has always been so important to me and I have no idea why or how to get things going again....
 
I just really needed to be honest and gets some thoughts out so..... thanks for listening
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40583
   Posted 8/22/2009 9:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

I remember last year you felt like this just before school. And once it started, you felt better. I think it is because you like to be active and right now you can't. Has the doctor said anything more about the adderall? I know that would give you some energy. It does me anyway. I wouldn't be working part time if it wasn't for that.

If you plan on adopting this child, if it is a boy, and if your mom adopts it, that is a huge thing. It may make it hard for you to accomplish school. But that is down the road, so maybe we shouldn't get into it just yet. I just want you to get focused on school, and have the time and oppertunity to do whatever you decide to do. I thin that you would be a wonderful doctor or nurse. Sometimes I think the nurses do harder work than the doctors though. lol...

Remember one day at a time. You will feel more fullfilled once school starts I am sure. Try not to worry about it. College is cool and it is a lot more freedom than highschool, but also a lot more responsibility for yourself. Keep your chin up my dear friend. You will do fine. You always do.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SkirbalB1980
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/22/2009 11:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tennis,

Sorry to hear you are so overwhelmed. Taking one step at a time should be your modus operandi at this point. As far as school goes, I do not know what all you have completed at this point, but if you are just beginning and are not sure about your major, just focus on completing your general education classes and perhaps a passion will spring from one of those courses. Worrying about your major at this point does not serve you well, nor does projecting yourself into the future to imagine, without supporting experience, how fatiguing being a medical student or nurse might be. Just take your general education courses and congratulate yourself everyday for being in school and sticking to it.

If you really believe you may end up being a mother, it will probably be best for you to take as many classes as you can and try to obtain your degree before your mother passes on the responsibilities to you. Then, you can always do graduate school in a field of your choice at a later time. In the meantime, do not worry about it. When she has the baby, you will have to decide from there. That is all you can do. Your friend is lucky to have your assistance and support, and hopefully you can derive a sense of purpose from your important and inspiring role in that relationship.

School can be draining, but just take solace that above all, you are getting an education that will not only help you become more viable in the employment world, but also an informed member of the global community, where you will have the opportunity to forge friendships and even romances. It is quite exciting when you think about it! It is healthy, especially for those of us that tend to feel depressed/stagnant at certain times of the year, to meditate on our achievements, and more importantly, on the simple fact that we had the courage to try something challenging.

Best,
Skirbal
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"Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds." - E.T.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40583
   Posted 8/22/2009 11:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Skirbal makes a lot of sense here. Just do your basic classes and then go from there. Also was mentioned about not worrying about the future. One day at a time. LIve in the moment sweetie. In the now. It really helps to make life easier.

Best wishes Christi,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 8/23/2009 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Heeja Christi!

It is OK. It is OK that you're having problems with doing the things you do. Maybe it'll help to think so. After a while I became so lost in grief that I didn't notice that the real pain wasn't caused by not being able to do something the way you want to, but by realizing that.

So now I try to tell as often as I can that it is OK that I'm having problems doing the things I feel like I am supposed to do. It is OK that I don't feel comfortable around strangers for instance. It really helps to take the hopelessness off of it, the desperation. And even when I unable to do a lot of things I would really want to do, there are still things I enjoy doing, and there are people and animals who love me for that.

I have absolutely no idea whether this will help you, I just hope things will get better for you Christi.

Take care, and all the very best!

Erik
Moderator on the Depression Forum

The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.
Perfection is found in everything being as you want it to be. Have no expectations, and perfection will be inevitable.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40583
   Posted 8/23/2009 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Erik is right Christi,

It is okay to feel the way that you do. Once you accept that in your mind, it does make everything a lot easier. And you never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Take life one day at a time, accept yourself for the wonderful person that you really are.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 8/24/2009 7:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Im not so worried about school, not as much as I thought... at least I dont think I am. I am worried about being around ALL the new people and new faces. Tons and tons of people that I dont know. I get very insecure in that kind of situation. I was used to school where I knew everyone and saw the same people from year to year ya know. Im worried about how well I will be able to pay attention in class and how bad I will procrastinate my work. And how exhausted I am going to be. I get exhausted early in the day even when I do absolutely nothing.. and when I do something during the day, Im that much more tired and worn out. So, I dont know what Im going to do.

Also, this baby thing... Im praying everyday for a boy. I dont want to be selfish and I dont want it to be a boy simply so I can have him. I just know that she cant take care of another kid. Boy OR girl. I also know that she wont have the help of her parents this time because they are VERY upset about it. And the suspected father has no job and also quit school and never does anything. So, he doesnt need a kid either. Either way though, I will be in the picture. I am in the place of the "daddy". So, if its a girl, basically we will share custody, in other words. Even though its not REALLY mine, it is in a way. Because I will be there no matter what and support it and anything I have to do. I already am.

btw, for those who are a little lost on this... I just need to explain a little in general. First, we arent "together". YES, I am gay. I am actually talking to a girl right now who knows about this whole baby situation and she is very excited as well. A while back I had a thing for my friend(the pregnant one) So, basically it is like we are a couple, but we really arent. We are like our own little family. We go shopping with the 3 year old, go to the park, grocery shopping, cook dinner, etc. Only because she doesnt have anyone to help her or support her. And honestly, I wouldnt stick around if it werent for the little boy and this new baby. We are know we do it for the kids. And thats why Im there.... to be a good influence and role model and look out for him, and the new one. So, basically, shes the pregnant mommy and Im the excited new "daddy" who goes to the doc appts. with her and everything else. So..... it is VERY real life for me because one day this really will be how things work for me.

Im okay with this arrangement and like I said, I pray EVERY single day that its a boy just so I know my mom will get him most likely and he will have so much more. If not, Im going to be there every step of the way and take care of it just as if she were my own. Im already attached to this unborn baby. And I know thats kind of bad... but I feel its just as much mine as if it were in my own stomach.

Im not all that worried about the baby thing AND school mixing because I get way more money for school than I need so I can afford the baby stuff. And I only have class for 2 hours a day. And I can also take online classes so that I could stay home if I needed to. Its really not a problem. I will have my mom to help out or my friend will have the baby. So, thats really not a big deal.

This sounds totally insane, I know. But, I wish you guys could feel how I feel about this. I really want it. I just have this outstanding passion for kids and I just really think that everyone deserves a loving family and people to support them 100% and give them opportunities in life and I just feel she cant offer that. Thats a horrible thing to say about a friend, but its the honest truth. She dropped out of HS, never got her GED, has never had a stable job... she has had like 50 jobs, but only works for about a week before quitting. She lives were the rent is free, like a housing thing. And recieves food stamps. Thats not a bad thing, no way am I saying that. I mean, she needs all that... but my point is that if you cant afford everyday essential things and take care of yourself and your child and have a steady job, then you just shouldnt have another baby. Ya know. And the worst part is that she is just so darn lazy. She has had the opportunity to get her GED. To go to class... but she never does. She has gotten some great paying jobs, but always quits. I mean, come on... if I had a kid I had to provide for, I would work 10 of the worst jobs in the world if it meant providing for my child and myself... but shes not like that. So..

Im sorry to ramble on, but this is just such a large life-changing thing. And no matter the gender of the baby, he/she will be mine. So, either way I will be there providing and helping and caring for it so.... its just a matter of knowing for sure if shes going to legally sign it away or not. Either way, I will be a HUGE part of its life.. Im very excited about it...


Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   

Post Edited (TeNNiSd0C09) : 8/25/2009 10:41:53 AM (GMT-6)


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 8/25/2009 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   

Sweetie, I am 51 and still have not decided what I want to be when I grow up! ha ha  You are not wasting you life, you are just getting started and I know everything seems overwhelming but all the advice you have been given is correct, one day at a time.  Do not rule out med school, it will be a while before you get to that point, you may feel totally different by then and if it feels your heart with joy to do that type of work then you will not feel stressed but happy!  That is nice that you want to help your friend with her baby situation but sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is nothing.  She needs to live with her choices, your choice was to not get pregnant and to go to school.  Do you see what I am saying?

Good luck and I hope you feel better about things soon.

 

Gem


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/25/2009 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I would recommend that you not get your hopes up about this baby. I can tell you just from my own personal experience that just because the baby is not the right sex she wants, she still could become very attached to this baby she is carrying. This happens to many mothers. I had 2 daughters and was pregnant with the third and desparately was hoping for a boy. Turned out it was another girl, and just seeing her, and seeing how perfect she was made me not care anymore she wasn't a boy. Your friend could turn out to be the same. So her telling you she is going to give it away, is not a certainty, she could see this precious baby she created and change her mind in an instant. So do please do as Karen suggest and just stay in the here and now, and not get too ahead of yourself. Start school and focus on doing what is best for "your" future.

Have you spoken with your doctor about your fatigue? This might be something to get checked out to make sure you don't have any health issues going on. Sending you big hugs!
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease and Anxiety/Panic Forum
Crohn's Disease for over 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium  w/Vit D, and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*
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