Can't let go of a person

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AngieBrown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/23/2009 11:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Big Problem for me.  I get extremely attached to someone (man), who becomes my whole perpose for living.  I think of him all of my waking hours, obsessively.  No one and nothing else matters.  I'm in a tremendous panic right now, and in so much pain as this man who has been in my life for about a year and has sincerely been a tremendous friend, is beginning to pull away. I don't know if it's because I'm losing him or as in other cases because I can't have him?  I just know I can't go through this again. I really really care very much for and about him.  I'm by nature quite a loner-type  and usually the people I like are compatible with that.  However, now, the excruciating emotional pain that I'm feeling is unbearable and  in order to free myself from my pain.  Can anyone relate to this problem that has plaigued me all of my life?  I really don't want to live any more.  I'm in my 60's.
 
confused  

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/23/2009 2:18:15 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 8/23/2009 1:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

Welcome to HealingWell. And to the depression forum. I would like to suggest that you go over the forum rules when you have a chance.

I am sorry for your pain. It is so hard when we care about somebody and feel them slipping away. But as you know, obsessing over this person is very non productive. You need to be happy with yourself right now.

Are you going to any counseling right now? It sounds like you would benefit from it. You need to grow stronger within yourself so that you don't feel that severe need for another person.

I am so happy that you have joined us. I am sure that you will get more responses, it is slow here on the weekends so if you don't hear anything please be patient. It will speed up on Monday.

Best wishes to you

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


AngieBrown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/23/2009 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your reply, Karen.
 
I've had therapy in the past, but this obsessiveness when it comes to a special person has never been able to be overcome.
 
Thanks

AngieBrown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/23/2009 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Sorry, Karen,
 
Just read the posting rules.
 
Thanks

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Have you ever talked to a doctor about obsessive thinking?

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Could it be you are smothering him why he is pulling away??
SnowyLynne


KGood
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Angie,

I have been a needy, dependent person my whole life.  I went from living at home with my parents to living with my husband after I married him at the age of 23.  I am 56 now.  If there's one thing I have learned (and worked hard at overcoming over the years) it's that men like women to be independent and self-sufficient; they don't like us to be too needy or possessive. 

As I mentioned, I have been working so hard at achieving independence for many years now.  When my husband travels, I look at the experience as an opportunity to show myself how much I can do on my own and how self-sufficient I can be.  I am surprised at how strong I can actually be and how much I can do by myself.

I know this isn't exactly the same as what you are talking about; but it is similar.  The only experience I've had that comes close to yours is my past experience with girlfriends when I was younger.  I was very possessive of them and very jealous if they wanted to branch out and have other friends in addition to me.  I probably lost some friends because of that.  Now I make a point of not being that way.  I have several good friends who are also friends with other people.  And it doesn't bother me a bit.  I've just resolved that I will not be that way anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all need to strive for independence (including and especially me!)  It makes us happier, more carefree, and more attractive to other people.  I hope I haven't offended you or hurt your feelings with anything I have said.  I'm just trying to share my experiences with dependency and possessiveness that I have had in the past and have tried so hard to overcome.  Interestingly, I am actually a loner-type myself; but still have struggled with neediness, possessiveness, and dependence.  Seems like an odd combination, doesn't it?



~Karen
Diagnosed with: seizure disorder in 1962; seizure-free since 1969, anorexia from 1968-1969; IBS-D in 1996, Mild depression, anxiety, & OCD in 2000, (probably had since childhood); PMDD in 2001, Dysfunctional tear syndrome in 2009; Meds: Phenobarbitol, Paxil, Allegra; Supplements: Citrucel tablets; many vitamins, minerals & herbs - too many to list here
 
 
 
 

Post Edited (KGood) : 8/23/2009 9:05:54 PM (GMT-6)


AngieBrown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/24/2009 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi KGood,
 
Your words are very interesting to me.  I also lived with my parents until I married my ex-husband at 23.  I have tried really hard to become an independent and confident person, however, I seem to melt when with someone like this man.  He's going through much emotional pain after suddenly losing his wife 18 months ago.  I'm gentle and caring.  But I'm also possessive and constantly scared of losing him in any way.  I seem to need constant reassurance.
 
But I can relate well to all that you're saying and will give it alot of thought.
 
Thanks so much KGood
 
Angie

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/24/2009 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning,

The therapy recommended most often for Obsessive Disorder is CBT.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

There is a free online CBT program that you can work through from your home and go at your own pace.  I have worked through this program.  It may seem like it is for college students but once you get past the first part you will come to find this program very helpful.

Here is the link for  the Mood GYM

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I understand your fears of losing this man who is so important to you but he may just need a little space as he is perhaps feeling overwhelmed from the death of his wife and not able to be the supportive one. 

Keep reminding yourself you are a good person and let go of the  possessiveness. You can do this and you will be alright.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt



 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


ile
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/24/2009 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
AngieBrown said...
Hi KGood,
 
Your words are very interesting to me.  I also lived with my parents until I married my ex-husband at 23.  I have tried really hard to become an independent and confident person, however, I seem to melt when with someone like this man.  He's going through much emotional pain after suddenly losing his wife 18 months ago.  I'm gentle and caring.  But I'm also possessive and constantly scared of losing him in any way.  I seem to need constant reassurance.
 
But I can relate well to all that you're saying and will give it alot of thought.
 
Thanks so much KGood
 
Angie
Hi Angie,
 
i myself feel sometimes lost when my husband is not arround. right in this moment he is worktravelling. I can tell what helps me (especially that my husband is depressive and he is willing to spend a lot of time on his on, not answering the phone and so on...). You both togheter must speak about this issue and you have to do it gradually. First you have to get used to his one day leaving. after you feel comfortable, make 2 days and so own. during this time of adapting to the new situation you have to find your strenghts. go out with friends, very important make a lot of sport when you feel down and write to us, cause you need people who understand you. It works for me.
 
Good luck!

Korissa
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 337
   Posted 8/30/2009 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Angie, my heart goes out to you. I'm also in my 60s and the person who I thought was my soul mate apparently did not consider me his, although we still talk on the phone a lot as friends.

It took a really long time to really let him go in my mind and my heart. But when I did, I felt a release from my grief. (Not that it doesn't still hurt)

I think what you are calling obsessiveness is really grief and a fear of being alone. I think it's normal to think about the person you love incessantly.I believe the whole human race has that problem. And it's hard to let go of someone you love.

It could be that your guy is still grieving for his wife. Men grieve differently than women. I've heard it's harder to "catch" a man who's been widowed than divorced because you are being compared to someone he didn't choose to lose, not someone with whom he had relationship problems. So he probably still needs some space.

I know how hard it is at our age to be optimistic about the future holding a man for us.

Let him know you want to try to be his friend if that is all he wants. And maybe it can grow into more.

AngieBrown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/30/2009 8:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Korissa. 
Your wisdom is very comforting and your words are compassionate rather than judgemental. 
 
I'll continue to be there for him and take one day at a time.  In the meantime I must try to keep my life balanced in other ways, so as not to have my whole world collapse if things don't work out the way I might have hoped.
 
Thanks again,
 
Angie

Cloudy30
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 8/30/2009 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angie,

I too have been working on becoming more independent. In the past I had a great group of college friends that I hung out with for years post college. I would say that I considered them my family. However as years went by and I struggled with depression and isolated myself my friends moved on and got married started dating and there is an ongoing feeling of loss and grief that I still experience from time to time.

So I am trying to take steps out of my comfort zone to experience new things, go to classes that I have always wanted to sign up for. I still have my friends I have just started realizing that I needed to create my own life and it is a bumpy journey to take but I think of the alternative of not pursuing my life and it just creates a lot of despair and lonliness. I understand that I truly do. Continue to keep us posted on your situation.

Many Blessings

AngieBrown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/1/2009 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Cloudy,
 
I need to establish my own purpose for living, and not expect others to fill that void.
 
Take care of yourself,
 
Angie

mcjane
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/1/2009 8:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angie,

I need to do the same thing, not easy bet essential.

Jane
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