The Girl on Paper

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

spinningrose
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/27/2009 10:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Technically speaking I have been dealing with this depression for about 2 years now. But really, I've always been sad. For so long, it seemed like growing pains. That one day I would grow out of it. Instead, it got deeper. And now, I don't find anything worth doing. The problem is that on paper I am 100% healthy. I have had blood tests and even after discovering and treating a few unknown allergies and deficiencies and such, nothing has changed. I have changed my birth control 4 times. I still have panic attacks, I still don't really want to be here. My doctor has known me too long, and like everyone else in this town, thinks that I am just the perfect little student, so smart, so successful, blah, blah, blah.  She refuses to do more than give me a referral to a therapist, which I then have to quit because my insurance will not cover it. She thinks I am going through some sort of "College Blues" thing. I don't know what it is, but something keeps me here, keeps me trying, keeps me doing the things I used to love, in hopes that when I get better (which at this point I doubt), everything will be back to normal.
The problem is that I am not normal, I've never been. I seem to be, but when you're molested by a schoolmate when you're seven for an entire year, it's hard to live life outside your head. You retreat into your thoughts, because no one can take advantage of you then, nobody can make you feel stupid. I was forced into counseling at the school because I was blamed for the whole thing, not even my parents stood up for me I had to leave class once a week and go sit in a stupid little room where a man with sock puppets treated me like I was some sicko, troubled kid. It wasn't my fault. I wanted to shout at him, tell him to stop it, because I was not a sicko, I was fine, it wasn't me.
Until then, I was happy, then suddenly I was tainted goods.
I don't know what to do anymore, because I've tried mind over matter, I've tried just pretended I'm not depressed, I've tried changing my life multiple times to see what I could do to make me happy, but the fact is I'm not. What am I supposed to be some of the most beautiful moments for me, seem silly when I look at them because they just don't mean anything at all. Nothing means anything. I'm waiting to be hit by a bus.
I can't get help though. The people around me only know me as the person that I've worn, the person who tries so desperately hard, they think I try because I'm motivated and bright, but I know better. I try so desperately hard, because I think that it will help me forget the pain.
I'm so tired of all this and I don't know what to do. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me, physically, I really do have no problem with my personality or the way I look, my family is annoying and has their share of issues, but nothing too serious, I have been extremely blessed with brains and friends and respect and admiration, and yet I am sad, so sad all the time. And lonely. I live in a house with 5 other people and I feel, because I am a slave to the mind I can't control, that I might as well be locked up in a cell. It doesn't seem to change either because who would want to spend time with someone so strange, so sad, and so lost.
I feel like an idiot.
I guess I felt I had to share. I just figure someone's gotta have advice or answers for me...somewhere.
 
Edit: Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are  not permitted. I took out one short sentence in your post.  Thank you for understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 8/28/2009 8:55:27 AM (GMT-6)


Ghostwriter
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/27/2009 10:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Almost the same thing is happening to me. Everybody is ignoring my problems, and everybody just sees me as the good little girl. I pretend to be a happy, cheerful person, but I always realize that my depression isn't going to go away by pretending it's not there.

The only thing I can really reccomend is to stop pretending. If people begin to see how depressed you really are, they will probably do more than just insist that you are fine, or just give you therapists.

Wanna feel the warm breeze; Sleep under a palm tree; Feel the rush of the ocean; Get onboard a fast train; Travel on a jet plane, far away...and breakaway


Cloudy30
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 8/27/2009 11:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Spinning Rose,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. It is hard to pretend to be someone you are not it makes you feel so trapped inside your mind and almost disregarded because no one is taking you serious. I had pretended most of my life until I could no longer anymore than I hit an emotional bottom that was hard to get out from under but I have little by little. You must feel frusturated knowing you need help but having people tell you are healthy. You need to be honest with the doctor or someone you can trust and tell them how you really feel to get the treatment that you need. Please know that in many instances that is the first step to healing and recovering.

I had been on antidepressants for 10 years and just recently got off of them. I will tell you that for me they kept me functioning but therapy which I know is very expensive helped me recover from a similar abuse situation. Unless I faced the emotions that I kept denying time and time again I struggled with keeping those emotions at bay. Is there someone you can trust that you can talk to and just be you without pretending?

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/28/2009 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Welcome to HealingWell.  I am sorry you are in such a sad place right now.  I suspect you have PTSD from you events when you were 7 years old and that you truly would benefit from therapy.
 
Stop trying to pretend your happy-go-lucky when inside you are so sad.

When your fears have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them. Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them.

Coming here and talking with us was a start to letting out your feelings.  Now try to pick one person you trust and share your feelings with them. 

I wish you peace,

Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/28/2009 8:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

Will your parents pay for counseling? Have you told them what happened to you? There are many good books out there that can help you. One is called the sexual healing journal. You might want to get some self help books to help you out.

There is also something called the mood gym. I don't have the link right now, but I will look for it. But if you type in mood gym, it might take you there. And it is free.

You sound very smart and I know that you will get through this. And for the record, you are not an idiot. You are just somebody suffering from depression and possibley post traumatic stress disorder. Also school counseling might be good. They probably wont use the sock puppets anymore. Give it another try.

You have come to a good place, and hopefully we can help you some. But we are not professionals, just people that suffer with depression too.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


spinningrose
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/30/2009 10:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your advice. To answer a few questions:
Unfortunately, neither my parents nor I can afford counseling without help from insurance, and even then barely. I told them what happened to me when I was seven after it had been going on all school year. I felt like the worst kid in the world, my stomach still turns into knots thinking about when I actually told them. I have also told them that I think that I am still dealing with issues from everything that happened surrounding the incident (the therapist i was seeing and i have a theory that it was less so the molestation and more so the ridiculous way the adults around me handled it that really messed me up), however they are resigned to thinking that what occurred was most likely "play between children". Ugh, kills me.
I do have friends that know about my difficulties, I also have a small group of friends who know about my past, however, as soon as I began talking to my best friends of 10 years, they kind of began dropping like flies. Nobody really wants to deal with such a downer for a friend. I do have one EXTREMELY supportive friend, but I am reluctant to call her every time I near another breakdown because I do not want to exhaust her patience.
I guess this is the other strange thing about my situation. I am very vocal about my struggles, but I guess because I keep functioning, my words don't mean as much? Of course there have been chunks of time where I have ceased functioning and simple abandoned all my obligations in a fit of misery, but I don't believe that allowing myself to fully embrace what I really feel like doing (sleeping....all day long) should be necessary to get the help I need. There's is still a healthy part inside of me that says, "Now, don't make it REALLY difficult for yourself, if you let EVERYTHING slide, then you might not be able to get any of it back if someday you really want it." This doesn't apply to everything though, my personal life is pretty non existent except for these older friendships.
That's a good idea to try my school though and see if they have counseling services. I'll have to look into that. I just know that I need something consistent until I'm truly ready to kind of take the training wheels off my life. Actually, come to think of it, that's kind of what it's felt like these past months without therapy. Like someone took the training wheels off my bike too early and I've been kind of careening and wobbling, out of control on a two wheeler I don't really know how to ride.
I spend so much time inside my head, I don't really know how to live on the outside besides meeting the requirements for seeming to be functioning.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/31/2009 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Try to get some self help books. I mentioned the sexual healing journey. Also there is one called Feeling Good by Dr D. Burns MD. And I am sure there are other good books out there. I know of one called Healing the Child within. ByCharles L. Whitfield. That book really helped me a lot. So please try the school counseling and try the books. That is the only way that we can move on. One day at a time sweetie. You can get through this.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/31/2009 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning,

Here is the link to the CBT training online.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

Just click on the link:

the Mood GYM:  http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I hope you can find the time to work through this self help program.  Take care.

I wish you peace,

Kitt


 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 09, 2016 3:01 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,216 posts in 301,284 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151388 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, ebinease.
205 Guest(s), 2 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
clo2014, NiceCupOfTea


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer