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me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/9/2009 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel the cracks growing. I feel like there is no way to get ahead or even caught up. Overwhelmed with my four young kids and daycare. Constant cleaning. No money. Angry spouse. Guilt and shame. Genetic predisposition. "Getting counseling' won't work...no money, no insurance, no time...no answers..shredded

me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/9/2009 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Anyone have any advice on how to deal with so much guilt and pain and fear?

me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/9/2009 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
11 people looked at this and no one responded? ouch
its like calling the crisis line and being put on hold....

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/9/2009 12:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess you need to take first things first.  What is going on right now that you can actually take positive steps to resolve?  Is your spouse angry because you are upset?  I know you said no money, no insurance, four kids..........I only have 2 kids but I have been in that "rock and a hard Place" many times over the years and it does feel bad and overwhelming.  I also know that when you have no money or it is very tight that it puts a strain on all aspects of your life.  Don't give up, talk to me some more, any time, tell me what is going on...........I do care and if I have any valuable advice I can give I will.  You are not alone.........What is really going on?
 
Gem

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 9/9/2009 12:49 PM (GMT -7)   

me<3, Just wanted you to know I saw your thread and wanted to let you know you are not alone.  Since it is afternoon there are not many people on the forum at this time. Please don't be discouraged by others not answering you.  I am sure a moderator will come on and try to help you.  It would be a big help if you could give more information on your situation such as why you feel such guilt and shame. It is easier to provide an answer if you can elaborate on your problems. For instance why is your spouse so angry? I am sure you are having a lot of stress with 4 children. Do you run a daycare business? You mentioned daycare.  I just wanted to let you know that someone cares about you and what you are going through. I don't feel I am in a position at this time to give you the answers you are looking for as I am not a moderator and I am not feeling my best. But know that others will help you. In the meantime please take comfort in knowing I offer my support and will be glad to help you more if you can explain what you are going through more thoroughly. Take care and I know you will find some answers here. This is a very caring and supportive group. I have made wonderful friends here and they are like family.

Aurora


me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/9/2009 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   
well, it is good to see some response...
I am 34 yrs old, I have 4 children (8, 6, 2, 1), I do run a daycare with 4 to 6 additional children.
I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and addictions my whole life.
My mother was diagnosed bipolar, and committed suicide 5 years ago.
I have been to some counseling, but not for quite a while, not for a long period of time and it does not seem like an option now.
I have been with my husband since I was 14 years old. (He was 16). We have been married 13 years.
When I was 21 yrs old, the year we got married, and for 3 years after that, I had a drug and alcohol problem.
As a result, I made many poor choices, including random, repeated infidelity. I cheated 11 times over that 3.5 year period. He found out, and I said I had to leave, not because I wanted out or wanted something different, but because I knew that I had broken his heart and I loved him too much and felt I did not deserve him.
I left for 2 days and then returned to beg him to take me back.
I was at an all time low.
He refused, I left in great turmoil, and sat outside of a church and begged God to take care of me.
He found me there a couple of hours later and told me he loved me and would forgive me. I felt that God stepped in and gave me another chance, too.
The next year was hard. I stopped using but he increased and with it came a lot of abandonment. He would leave and not come home for days, and I would wait, sick with worry, but felt that I deserved it. Of course I did, I cheated on him and lied to him.
As time went on, he got a little better and we started our family. My life was punctuated with bouts of joy and grief. Over and over.
A year and a half ago, May 16, 08, he suddenly, out of the blue, wanted to ask me specific details about my infidelity.
Who, What, Where, When, and of couse, Why.
This last year has been hell, He has replaced his drug problem with a sex addiction, and of course I am glad he wants me, but sometimes it feels really demeaning.
He is angry at me a lot and blames me for his anger, and for changing him into someone he hates.
My worth is very low, I literally feel shredded. Like my backbone is gone, and all that is left is a big black hole.
it hurts

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/9/2009 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like you both have issues to work through.  Try not to dwell on past mistakes, that is just what they are, part mistakes, we have all made them.  You both really do need to get counseling somehow.  Trading one addiction for another, not good.  Try and focus on some positive aspects of your life, no matter how small they seem.  Are your kids healthy, happy?  Do you have outside family support?  I wish you the best, I do hope things get better for you soon.  Do not let hard times drive you into depression, but into action!  I have to say that 4 kids and running a daycare would send my anxiety out of the roof, but that is just me.  Maybe think of positive changes you can make to brighten your future.  You are young and every day is a new beginning.
 
Gem
 
 
 

me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/9/2009 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks
...it is a daily struggle. My kids are gifts from God..perfectly beautiful and healthy. That is where I get joy, but we all know kids are also a lot of work and patience.
Thanks

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 9/10/2009 3:16 AM (GMT -7)   
keep strong, and know that we care. jamie.
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/10/2009 5:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Anything worth having is alot of work my dear.  Consider yourself lucky you have healthy beautiful children.  I hope today finds you feeling better.  Leave the past where it is and look to the future and enjoy the present.  Let us know how things are going for you.
 
Gem

MichaelD93
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 9/10/2009 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   
From a self experience, but not much experience because I'm young. i have learned to take everything one step at a time. no matter how long it will take. it is so much easier to do it that way, and you can get more done. It seems that you take on a huge responsibility, and you don't get the thanks you deserve.

me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/10/2009 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Well last night was a blowout..I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and tried to talk to him about needing more sleep and that sometimes my emotions make it difficult for me to put on a smile when I feel like I can't stop crying.
He got angry and told me too bad, he has to stuff it down and put on a smile everyday, and he is has it so much worse than me because I ruined him and he saved me, that I should realize how $##%#%$ lucky I am and don't come sniveling to him for sympathy. PLus, my lies have tarnished everything we have and that if he would have known all the facts 10 years ago, our marriage and our children would have never existed.
That was when I went in and for the first time in a long time I didn't sleep in our bed but in my daughters room.
I feel like yes I know that I was wrong, that I lied and cheated, and that I felt so bad I could barely look at myself for a long time. That I tried to give him the opportunity to start a new life and that my mistakes did not mean that I loved him any less. That because of my screwed up upbringing, insecurity and abuse that I acted out in the worst way possible...but I thought that when he said he would forgive me and he wanted to stay with me that he loved me. If I would have been with 1 guy 11 times or 2 guys 5 times or 11 guys 1 time, either way it was cheating, I don't understand why when he knew I cheated 10 years ago, why it seems so much worse to him now. He never asked me about it back then. He said he would forgive me and love me and I thought that it didn't matter to him or he would have asked.(not that it didn't matter, but that cheating is cheating.) I admitted I had been cheating, I admitted it was more than once and that is all he asked and I wasn't about to go throw myself under the bus and volunteer additional information. I was trying to forgive myself and work on being healthy and not dwelling on negative issues.
In May when he asked about details, I understand that he
never got over it and he needed additional info to cope, but should I have lied? I did tell myself that if he ever asked I would have to tell him the truth...and he asked and I told him. Why did he ask if he couldn't handle the answer?
Now I wish I would have not answered..
I feel like, Yes, I lied and cheated but that the miracle of our children is proof that we were meant to be together. That if that wouldn't have happened, who knows how our life would have gone, we wouldn't have our kids and that the pain of past mistakes is worth it for the joy of our kids.
It kills me to think that he feels like our kids and our marriage is all some scam I roped him into, and that he got the raw end of the deal. I feel like we all make mistakes, his behavior over the years hasn't been perfect, he has caused a lot of pain to me..not by cheating with other women but by putting drugs and alcohol before me and that is the same type of feeling. That his actions when we were teenagers lead me to make some of the choices I made, by influencing me with drugs, alcohol and ****ography. I am not blaming him...we were both kids, but it is a contributing factor. I see it as we both $#^%$ up in our own ways and I don't sit and throw all of his stupid decisions in his face everyday, and say things like if it weren't for your lies our life would have never existed. I could say that...If it weren't for his influential drug use, my mistakes would have never happened.
This morning he acts like nothing ever happened...like always. Stuff it in, and don't make waves. I learned again that my feelings aren't really worthy of understanding, that his feelings overrule mine, and that I better put on a smile and some fresh lipstick if I want to keep him.
hmmmm...

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/10/2009 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   

You're feelings are worthy.  Men react to things differently than women.  I know this does not help but your post reminded me of some of the fights my husband and I have had over the years.  We have now been married 26 years.  I wish I knew what to tell you, I can not even remember how I got through some of the crap that went on with us, but I do remember how bad it made me feel sometimes.  I hope the two of you can find a common ground, where you can resolve your problems of the past and make plans for a bright future together, if that is what the two of you want.  If I remember correctly, you got together at a very young age, is that right?  I know alot of couples that married young, hit about 30-35 yrs old and started thinking if they did the right thing.  Personally, I did not get married until I was 25, I lived it up for a while, then got serious, we still have had our share of problems, all relationships do, but we have remained together through it all.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

Gem

 


me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/10/2009 9:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Gem you have been so kind and responsive.

I am writing all of the crap I can't talk about to anyone.
I know it sounds harsh...but in fact I do feel better today.
He does love me, and I am not projecting a true image of him. He is a loving, supportive father and husband most of the time. He has been really really good to me most of the time.

I recognize his pain and I wish I could erase the hurt. I know he has done more than most men would, by staying. I know he loves our children more than anything and that my emotional turmoil is a trigger for his anger.

I know that falling into a pattern of guilt, shame, leads to depression and anxiety, which in turn adds more guilt and shame. I recognize my mental health issues and need to work on coping skills before I get like I was last night.
My loving, forgiving Husband is not a therapist and I shouldn't try to approach him that way.

me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/10/2009 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   
when I read my last comment I sound like a ..... i don't know.

I wish I could be treated like the person I am now and not who I was 10 years ago. When I get treated like I am the person I was 10 years ago, then I start feeling like I did then. Sick, so fearful of losing everything, like I need to escape. It is hard to find joy in the joyful things, and the mundane things are almost unbearable.

I don't want to be this.

I hate it when I cannot stop the tears. It makes me feel so low.
And then I think about my mom, and how she must have felt the same way. And that she just ended it.

I am so afraid of turning into her. I already see the signs.

I have periods or morbid ideation, where horrible violent images flash through my head, like someone falling and getting really hurt, or car accidents the whole time we are diving. I am so afraid of my people getting hurt, and I cannot control it.

I don't think medication would really help. It turns people into zombies, and they are dependent on it the rest of their life. If they try to get off, then they really go bananas.

I am terrified to get on the medication roller coaster.

I exercise 2 times a week, I try to eat healthy, I pray and go to church, I try really hard...really really hard

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 9/10/2009 11:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

You might have to face the fact that he is always going to bring this up, which isn't fair. But it sounds like he isn't going to forgive or forget. Then you have to decide if it is going to be worth living with this for the rest of your life.

I strongly suggest counseling for the both of you. There are programs that help people with low income, I would suggest checking with your local mental health facility.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I just think he is continually punishing you for things that you don't deserved to be punished for. What you did is in the past and that is where it should remain. But some people hang on to these things and don't let go. And will punish you everytime it comes to his mind.

You are doing a lot with the day care and all. I commend you for that. But his drug use is bothering me. You don't need that anymore. Plus it is illegal. And you are taking care of other people's children. I hope that he keeps it private. And away from the children.

You have a lot to think about. You do sound a lot better than you did. I do recommend one day at a time as was posted by somebody above. Keep a clear head. And keep trying. Look into some free mental health information. It does exist. There are also some online programs that are free. I believe it is called moodgym. I have the website somewhere, I will try to find it.

I hope that you continue to feel better and can be happy with a real smile on your face.

Best wishes,

Hugs Karen
 
Here is the site...  http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/   I hope that this helps you...


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 9/10/2009 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   
I just read your last post. You must have posted it while I was writing mine.

You don't sound good. In depression resources at the top of the page, there are some sites and numbers that you can get a hold of when you are feeling suicidal. You really need to talk to somebody.

You also are undermining your own well being. You don't know that medications are going to turn you into a zombie. I take medications and I am not a zombie. They really do help. But it often takes a while to find the right ones for yourself. So don't give up before you start.
And try to get rid of that negative attitude. Try to live in the moment. Think of your children. They love you and need you to be strong. I know that you can do this. Just keep trying. Know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


me<3
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/10/2009 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   
You are right.
I know that attitude goes a long way.
I know that I might have to live with his pain and recurring anger forever if I so choose to stay.

I don't have suicidal thoughts ever. I am so angry at my mom for doing what she did that I would never.

I do have Morbid ideation as a form of anxiety. I am very afraid of losing loved ones and I think it is a form of PTSD from losing a parent to suicide. I have come a long way in recovering from a kind of seriously intense anxiety I had after she passed.
My husband no longer uses drugs. I mentioned that he seems to have shifted to a sexual addiction, I think it is directly related to his trying to cope with the concept of my infidelity, by almost obsessively wanting sex with me. I also am happy with him and 99% of the time it is fine but if within the 1% of the time I don't want to, he takes it as a personal attack or insult on him.

By saying that I see signs of my Mom, I mean her fear was a huge factor. I struggle with fear. Her guilt and shame was another problem and I recognize the same feelings. I do need to do something different...she was 58, I am 34. I have a long ways to go.

I am truly afraid of medication, I really don't want to open up a can of worms...Having this opportunity is good. I have been able to vent and spill out some of the overwhelming emotions I have.

By telling my story I am forced to think about from an outside perspective. I want people to see it for what it is, I am not trying to gain sympathy, but want to present the facts.

I am truly in pain. But so is he...we could split and tear our kids lives apart and still be in immense pain, or we can try to keep on loving each other the best we can together, and at least we have had many good memories.

He has never abused me physically, or our kids and I can see how hard he tries to keep a positive attitude. I try too, but sometimes it is just harder than others. Maybe it is the season, the moon phase, my hormones...who knows..



does anyone have any advice on non-medication options to relieve stress, and regain joy?

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/10/2009 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Wow!  Now that is some forward thinking girl!  Sometimes we do not even need any feed back, just vent and know someone is listening.  If he loves you and has stayed with you and the kids that says volumes.  I know when couples fight and things get blown out of porportion, everything seems worse.  My hope for you is that you two can put it all behind you and be thankful and grateful for the life you do have.

 

Gem


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 9/10/2009 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Have you ever though about doing meditation? It helps me a lot. Also walking is a great source of stress relief. Exercising is good. Proper diet really helps too. I can see that you are really thinking a lot healthier. And I agree that it is from venting as we all need to do. I am glad that you feel that the forum is helping you and I can see by this last post that is really has. I hope that you continue to post and take advantage of what wee all have to offer you.

Sometimes just putting your words down as you have here helps. And getting advice from an annonymous person can help. They are objective and that is what you need right now. Rememb er to try to take things one at a time.

I know what you mnean about the horrible thoughts that you have. I use to do that too. Often it would come out of nowhere when I was completely happy. I think that was a way of undermining my own happiness. Or it could have been from bad things happining when I would least expect it too. It came frome things that happened in my childhood. I would have the most morbid thoughts. But I don't find that happening anymore. At least not in a long time. But I think that we tend to worry about bad things happening. And living in the moment really helps to prevent that.

I hope that this has helped you some. I have enjoyed talking to you. And I am glad that you sound a lot better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/10/2009 12:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Tears, please keep an open mind regarding medication.  I fought it for along time, then it took forever to find something that worked for me with minimal side effects and no "zombie".  When you feel better, things are easier to deal with.  Right now I take a low dose of Buspar twice a day and I react to situations appropriately and feel more calm and at ease with myself and the world around me.  I wished I had gotten help along time ago.  I know what you mean about turning into your mother, I feel that way too, mine was very depressed, did not want me and was not a very pleasant person to be around.  I was a completely different mother than she was and am so proud of myself for doing so.  don't give up or give in to morbid thoughts.  I think alot of young caring mothers have that, I remember it happening it me.  Just try and relax, prove to yourself (above all) and your spouse that you are not the same person you were 10 years ago.  Actions speak louder than words.  And you are right, husbands make terrible therapist!  Most of them anyway.  I find the less I talk to my husband about some situations, that when I really do need to talk he is more willing to listen.  If you overwhelm them day in day out, they start tuning you out.
 
You are in my prayers and when I meditate tonight, I will send good vibes your way.  You are worth all the good that comes to you.
Gem

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 9/10/2009 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Gem,

I don't talk about it much, but my mother was the same way. She was not well, didn't want me and was also difficult to be around. I ws also worried about turning out like her, but I didn't. At least now yet anyway. Hopefully never.

I meditate too and I think it is cool that you do. I agree with you about the medications. It sure can help make life go a lot easier. They have saved me.

I hope that you have a great day.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/10/2009 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen, Don't worry, you will not and I will not become our mothers.  We know the warning signs.  I also think we are tuned in enough to know that we do not want to share in their type of existance.  That always motivates me to be a different person, to be me!  Whether anyone else likes it or not..........haha
Gem

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 9/10/2009 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Gem,

I think you are a wonderful person and I love to read your inspirational posts. Keep up the good work. Stay happy.

Many hugs,

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 9/10/2009 1:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks.  It has been a long time coming.  But I have felt better lately than I have in a long time.  I remember having such horrible days and someone here would say just what I needed to hear at that moment and I would have a whole change of attitude.  I just hope I can do the same for someone.

Gem

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