confused again and feeling down

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Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 9/10/2009 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys, first of all sorry I haven't been here much lately, I have been very buesy with my new job and the holly month of ramadan. but I think of you all and you are in my prayers always. some strange feelings came to me tonight at the end of the day and I have to share with someone because I don't have any real friends. well I have relatives which can be considered friends but I think you know what I mean. I feel alone and down right now, why is it I feel like this now even though I have been feeling great for 3 weeks now since I got my new job. well not exactly, I did have a break down 2 weeks ago and I was saw and had abreak down in his office too.... he perscribed me prozac, as a result. I thought it's just the stress of my new job and the month of ramadan and maybe because I also stoped smoking recently that I am under a lot of stress, but maybe there is more than that.

There is something seruisly wrong with me, I am doing all the right things, but not feeling good about myself. I have a job again, and I am on time everyday for 3 weeks now, and I like my job. infact I love it. so why should I feel down or sad now? why do I cry now as I write this? could it be because there is something still missing in my life? maybe. I can think of a few things. first thing comes to my mind is that I am 36 now and have not found my soul mate yet, I have never felt true love and may never will, I still have hope but I am not sure. everyone tells me I should just try and be consistant and keep my job and good things will come eventually, but I can't wait. even though I have a job now the pay is low, and I cannot start a family now with this pay, so I am still stuck living with my parents for now. I need to work on my career and try to find a better paying job.

Another thing comes to my mind is that I don't have any real friends. most of my friends have left the country or I have lost touch with them because everytime I see them I am embarased of myself, I don't like to tell them how I am a failure. well things are changing now, and I am doing something productive, so maybe I should try calling some of my old friends, even though I don't feel like it but it is something I should do. everyone needs to have friends around him... I think..

it seems like the harder I try to fix myself, the more dificult and harder my strugle. I can always take the easy route and just lay back and relax like I used to, but I know that is not the road to hit, no matter how good it sounds, as they say no pain no gain.

I wish I would know what is wrong with me, what is my diagnosis. after seeing over a dozen of doctors, and hospitalized twice, I don't know my diagnosis.. I asked my doctors what is my diagnosis? he saw the reports from the hospital where I stayed for 4 months in 2008 and answered thousands of quizes and did excersizes and groups sessions there everyday like a genipig. and what did he tell me? he said do you want to know your diagnosis or do you want me to help you? I said I just want to get better, and stop crying and feeling bad. then he said you need to be back on meds, and perscribed me prozac. I felt good for two weeks but maybe it was all an illusion, by the drug? I'm starting to have doupts again now, as I write this about the use of drugs... do they really help us or just make us feel a little better? I think these drugs don't offer the core solution to the problem, but just make our life a little easier.

Anyway I should go to sleep now, it's 4 AM even thought I don't have work tomorerow as it's friday ( our day off ) but I should not stay too late lol. I already feel better now, by just writing this and sharing, and look forward to your reply tomorerow have a nice day everyone!
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002

Post Edited (Akram) : 9/10/2009 7:14:24 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 9/10/2009 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Akram,

I wanted to touch base with you tonight. I hope that you are feeling better. I think you are longing to start your own family. But I think that after you get your medication and your financed in order that will happen. This is something that you can't rush and you are young still, so I would go with the flow of life and let it happen. Maybe I am way off base here, and I very well could be. You will make new friends and you will find the job that you feel good with. But it sounds like you like your job now, so I would go with that for a while, and maybe be keeping my eyes open in the meantime. Just take life as it comes, relax and enjoy it. When there is something that you want, you will find a way to get it.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/11/2009 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello my friend and I am glad that coming here and writing down your thoughts and feelings has helped you.
 
Sometimes we just need to share our fears and our feelings with others and it helps us let go a bit.
 
You have many things going on in your life and I do wish I had a magical answer for you.  I have experienced much of the same things you have so please know you are never alone in this nasty disorder called Depression.
 
I am glad you have started on a medication and remember you do have to give the med 4-6 weeks for the full effect.............at least most people do. If you need to see your physician again, please do.
 
Try not to over think your dx but instead deal with how to get through one day at a time by taking those tiny steps forward.  Keep moving and know we are all here because we care.
 
Gentle Hugs to you,
 
Kitt

 

Kitt,
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Cloudy30
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 9/13/2009 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Akram,

I wanted to write and tell you that I feel in many ways like you do. I feel like I have been on this long journey of depression and am doing all the right things but still feel a deep sense of sadness. I have a wonderful job that I thank God for giving me, I am meditating, exercising on a regular basis and going to therapy. However I do feel something is missing as well. I am your same age and I long to be more connected to have a relationship. My friends have moved on and my family connections are very distant.... Sometimes even though I am doing all the "right" things I still feel very alone. Consistency is something that I have to continually work on. Some weeks I am very consistent then like the last two weeks I have gotten ill or have an episode and just am not able to do it. I do have some connections but they are not very deep because the friends I have are married with kids and that is understandable where there focus goes. I really related to your thoughts

"it seems like the harder I try to fix myself, the more dificult and harder my strugle. I can always take the easy route and just lay back and relax like I used to, but I know that is not the road to hit, no matter how good it sounds, as they say no pain no gain."

Sometimes I feel like there has to be a balance of focusing on getting better and acceptance of where we are at on the journey. For me this is a struggle especially since in many ways I have been a major overachiever most of my life and that is a pattern that is not easy to break. I have thought for many years if I do this or that then I will feel better only to feel a temporary high then I went back to feeling I am not doing enough. I have been trying to find this balance of just being me and still working on myself without being judgemental because I can be very hard on myself especially when I compare others to me. I see my friends have a soulmate in their life a successful career etc.... It is not to say that their life is perfect by any means marriage is tough but I get that having someone who accepts you for you the good and the bad is something that we all yearn for and I too am missing it... the older I get the more I miss having it. Sometimes I feel I am so focused on the goal that I miss out on what life is really about living in the moment and enjoying the things I have.

Thanks for posting this. I wish you well.
Many Blessings

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 9/13/2009 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Cloudy,

What if you do allow yourself to relax and try to stay in the moment you can achieve true happiness. I feel like you are so close to achieving your goal. You just can't see it yet. You will be happy within yourself and that is what really matters. Once we attain that, I honestly think things then fall into place. You are on the right track, with the words that you said, I can tell it is so. I especially think the fact that you do meditation is going to help you along. Being within the moment really does help.

Akram,

I think you also are on your way in this healing journey and I believe that you are going to find the answers that you are looking for. It is just going to take a little more time for this to happen. It is such a gradual process and sometimes you don't even notice when things change. Be true to yourself. Keep on trying.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/14/2009 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Akram,
 
Good Morning and how are you?  I see you have not posted and I am worrying a bit about you.  You know we are all here for you and that we care so please do let us know how things are going for you.
 
Kind regards,
Kitt

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 9/15/2009 3:16 AM (GMT -7)   
hi akram, sending you my love and friendship. i thought that after the love of my life passed that i would not love again, and it was hard to let her go, this is my greatest act of love, and since this has happened my new love and i are to be engaged in a couple of months!! it will happen for you also. because of her various limtations we have had a hard road, soon we will really up the ante when we advice her family, agency and significant others of our engagement. and yes i love her, and she me, thus time is not an issue, although i can not wait for us to be actually together!!! the tortoise always win the race, so slow and steady. i do hope you realise that we are always are here for you, yeah i have been depressed and not posting as much myself, although i am trying each day to get from second gear till third, this has happened today. the sun always shines my friend. with loving compassion. your friend, jamie :-)

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 9/20/2009 5:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello guys sorry for not writing back untill now, there is good news! I was really buesy in those last 10 days of ramadan, right after I posted my last message I was in a state of thought and was asking GOD for help, on how to deal with everything, then my father fell on his way to the bathroom, it was very late at that time, he was ok but he he seemed very weak and was not able to walk properly ( he has parkinson's ), seeing him like that made me very sad and was about to cry, I continued to ask GOD for help and guidance, and his answer was the call to the dawn prayer (GOD works in mysterius ways! ), so I went to the mousque and decided to go back to praying and get close to GOD again, I have been putting this off for too long. I decided I will pray as much as I can and when time permits in the last 10 days of the holy month of ramadan which are very special for us muslims. I feel much better that I am back to prayer, it is hard but worth it. the last 10 days of ramadan were very hectic for me, lots of work and family stuff and lots of prayer. I barly had some time to sleep and eat. but I think I am happy and feel I am doing the right thing by making the most out of what was left of this holy month. today was the first day of Eid Holiday, and I decided to visit as many relatives I can, I visted 8 or 9 families, mainly the elders and I was very social which is unusual for me. now at around 3 AM I was finaly able to spend some time on the internet. we have 4 days off work in this holiday but I already miss work, because I love my new job. I just got my first paycheck on saturday so I am happy about that, and I decided to donate some money to the poor, it's a way to thank god for his kindness to me. what's nice also about our muslim prayers is that they are very physical, and it is also considered a light form of excersize, something that I really need. I have been wanting to exersize for a long time but feeling lazy, also the walks to the mousque are very helpfull :)

I think I am on the right track guys, I am not even worried about being single anymore. yes I feel loonly and really need to be in love but I am feeling things will come in the right time, I just have to focus on making myself better, and insure that I am succsefful in my new job by finishing the 3 month probation period and getting a steady paycheck, and working on my new career as a web designer. I also decided to call some of my old friends, sadly most of them either changed their cell phone numbers or left the country, but one replied, and I just learned two others just returned to my city, I have not seen them for a very long long time ( years ) but I want to see them again and maybe we can have a gathering.

Thank you guys for listening, I think getting better is a combination of a lot of things, but above all consistancy. this is just the begining of my recovery, even though I am feeling great right now I don't know how I will feel tomorerow or the day after, all I know is that there is good progress, and I have the feeling that everything is possible. when I say combination of things I mean spirtual/medical/social/work/friends you have to work on everything in your life to get better. have a nice day everyone and thank you for the warm replies!
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 9/20/2009 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Akram,

I am so happy for you. I am glad that you like your new job. I like my job too. Mine is mostly because I am around people part of the day. It can be very interesting.

I hope that you too ahve a good day. Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 9/20/2009 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
cheers akram. good to hear. take care and my prayers to you. keep strong in faith and compassion. giving back is a beautiful gift. with healing prayerful compassion. jamie :-)

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/20/2009 7:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Akram,
I love to hear you sounding so positive and happy. I appears Ramadan was good for you.  Also glad to know you got your first check.............hurrah.
 
Bless you my friend,
 
Kitt

onthelow
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/21/2009 4:45 AM (GMT -7)   
A.A. Ikram,
 
I also am living one day at a time because I was in  a real bad shape for like 3 months depressed and everything was bad in my life.
I got off school also and didnt have any interest in my work also. I stayed 3 months in bed doing nothing because i convinced myself i was sick.
I was living a nightmare...
Now its passing slowly but sometimes i suffer from anxiety or panic attacks.
I couldn t fast this Ramadan as I was diagnosed with Gastritis. I felt so bad not doing it but my medical condition doesnt allow it.
I did fast 3 days without my family knowing it because they didnt let me do it because i have gastritis.
 
 
Well, I also am seeking Allah S.T. help to relieve me from all this disturbance in my life so i can be normal again.
I am trying to make all 5 prayers as much as i can and ask forgiveness and help from Allah S.T.
Allah Akbar
 
Well , InshAllah we will be Ok
 
Ide Ul Fitre Mubarak
 
 

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 9/21/2009 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
onthelow, I am really sad to hear how you are suffering and about your medical condition. just know, even though I fasted this ramadan I didn't fast the last two , it was mainly because of smoking and I was not feeling close to GOD at that time, but thankgod this is all in the past and I hope that will never happen again in the future. but don't worry you will get another chance to fast maybe next year, for this year you can donate some money to the poor, zakat el-fiter for 30 days, god is mercyfull.

about the 5 prayers, just do what you can. last year I wanted to pray durring my hospitalization, but it was hard for me even though I had a lot of free time then. but there was a friend of mine there who wanted to pray too and we agreed to pray the last prayer (eisha) everyday toghether to motivate each other. if you don't feel motivated about the prayer and feel tiered just do what you can, like 1 prayer a day, god is mercifull, and tell god when you are feeling better that you will try and do all the prayers. it is good to try and take things in stages. for me I decided the first stage was to fast ramadan, and one thing seems to lead to another, step by step. on the 20th of ramadan I started praying again..
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002


onthelow
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/21/2009 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Its good to hear that u are feeling more motivated.
Yes i have to donate Zakat for 28 days i didnt fast, and u r totally right about prayers.
I ll do what i can because mental problems sometimes put you in a state that u cant even move or dont feel so.
 
Hopefully we will do alright. The journey of life is wonderful, we must see it and discover life.

Salam
 

Akram
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 9/21/2009 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   
onthelow, I just replied to your other thread in the anixety section, I am so sorry about what you are going through, if you ever need any help or want to talk to another fellow muslim about anything you are going through you are more than welcome to talk to me either on this forum or through my e-mail, you can find my e-mail when you click on my profile, have a nice day :) I have made many good friends from these forums and we still e-mail each other, I have met some of the nicest people on these forums this is a great place to be in. Salam :)
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002

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