Well im 16, Im from the UK, and im not from the best of places, and i know im young so please dont reply "Your young, give it time"
Basically its all started when i was in Year 9, Which was when i was around 14, I had feelings for my best friend (Im a guy, hes a guy too) And it was destroying me inside out feeling this way about
him, so i told him and he was shocked being a muslim guy, but came to accept it and we carried on but it was never the same. During that summer alot happened, he lied to me about
feeling the same way just to make me feel better and all sorts. He had told his girlfriend i liked him so she could stop talking to me, even tho i was the one who got them together, anyways, she started talking to me again saying "please dont tell him i speak to you, he told me personal stuff about
you" and thats when i had realised he had told her stuff i thought i could trust him with, this destroyed me in every way possible, i felt so lonely, depressed, alone, used and felt like a waste on this earth, i confronted him and he asked for forgiveness which i gave, so after all that madness, we gave it another shot (At friendship) it was alright for a few days, but with so much stuff between each other it was never the same, him and his girlfriend had broken up after 1 year, and now she doesnt speak to him and me and her are like the best of friends.
Anyway now im in College (We start college when we're 16) And now hes come to the same college as me, it just feels like the past keeps following me, and one thing i was scared of is when i got to college what if i still have feelings for him even tho i know it would never happen, theres never gonna be a me and him? And now that im college, i actually still do feel for him. I just feel so stupid, and sad.. literally for still having this feeling for him, and i just dont know what to do, recently this summer i was on a confidence streak, i thought i had forgotten him out of my life (Because of all the history we had) and now recently when i had seen him after 2/3 months all the feelings came flooding back, it just makes me feel as if i will never move on, Its going to be 3 years in December since i told him how i feel, and i just feel completely depressed and alone.
Now that we're in college he doesnt really spend time with me nor do i, but his set of friends dont really like me, thats another thing thats annoying me, i worry alot by the way, its just how i am, one of his particular freinds i had a madness with about
2 years ago comes to the same college and today he was like "move get out of my way" as if to say i wont do nothing, Im from East London basically which is kind of just full of gang culture, and if thats happens and you dont retaliate, alot of talk flys around. I hate people talking about
me negatively, and i have major trust issues from everything that happened, I mean, the whole still feeling for him, and his freind trying to think im some dickhead is just annoying me, just when im feeling confident and nice about
my self, something has to ruin it, it seems as if i have 1 day of happyness, i get 100 days of sadness and depression in return, i just dont know what to do. I dont even want to go into college on Monday.
Mostly nowadays, I just ********** or drink to forget everything, it just gets all on top of me sometimes that i just result to smoking everyday or drinking. Me and him talk, we talk on msn normally, and he thinks ive moved on, but i havnt, and his idiot freind getting in the way trying to kick off something between me and him isnt helping.
Ive been through counselling, ive had a psychiatrist, and truthfully its not helped that much at all, im sick of everything... It just feels like theres never gonna be a time ill move on and find someone to love as much as i love him. What do i do ?