It never stops :(

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GSIII
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/11/2009 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Well im 16, Im from the UK, and im not from the best of places, and i know im young so please dont reply "Your young, give it time"

Basically its all started when i was in Year 9, Which was when i was around 14, I had feelings for my best friend (Im a guy, hes a guy too) And it was destroying me inside out feeling this way about him, so i told him and he was shocked being a muslim guy, but came to accept it and we carried on but it was never the same. During that summer alot happened, he lied to me about feeling the same way just to make me feel better and all sorts. He had told his girlfriend i liked him so she could stop talking to me, even tho i was the one who got them together, anyways, she started talking to me again saying "please dont tell him i speak to you, he told me personal stuff about you" and thats when i had realised he had told her stuff i thought i could trust him with, this destroyed me in every way possible, i felt so lonely, depressed, alone, used and felt like a waste on this earth, i confronted him and he asked for forgiveness which i gave, so after all that madness, we gave it another shot (At friendship) it was alright for a few days, but with so much stuff between each other it was never the same, him and his girlfriend had broken up after 1 year, and now she doesnt speak to him and me and her are like the best of friends.

Anyway now im in College (We start college when we're 16) And now hes come to the same college as me, it just feels like the past keeps following me, and one thing i was scared of is when i got to college what if i still have feelings for him even tho i know it would never happen, theres never gonna be a me and him? And now that im college, i actually still do feel for him. I just feel so stupid, and sad.. literally for still having this feeling for him, and i just dont know what to do, recently this summer i was on a confidence streak, i thought i had forgotten him out of my life (Because of all the history we had) and now recently when i had seen him after 2/3 months all the feelings came flooding back, it just makes me feel as if i will never move on, Its going to be 3 years in December since i told him how i feel, and i just feel completely depressed and alone.

Now that we're in college he doesnt really spend time with me nor do i, but his set of friends dont really like me, thats another thing thats annoying me, i worry alot by the way, its just how i am, one of his particular freinds i had a madness with about 2 years ago comes to the same college and today he was like "move get out of my way" as if to say i wont do nothing, Im from East London basically which is kind of just full of gang culture, and if thats happens and you dont retaliate, alot of talk flys around. I hate people talking about me negatively, and i have major trust issues from everything that happened, I mean, the whole still feeling for him, and his freind trying to think im some dickhead is just annoying me, just when im feeling confident and nice about my self, something has to ruin it, it seems as if i have 1 day of happyness, i get 100 days of sadness and depression in return, i just dont know what to do. I dont even want to go into college on Monday.

Mostly nowadays, I just ********** or drink to forget everything, it just gets all on top of me sometimes that i just result to smoking everyday or drinking. Me and him talk, we talk on msn normally, and he thinks ive moved on, but i havnt, and his idiot freind getting in the way trying to kick off something between me and him isnt helping.

Ive been through counselling, ive had a psychiatrist, and truthfully its not helped that much at all, im sick of everything... It just feels like theres never gonna be a time ill move on and find someone to love as much as i love him. What do i do ? sad
 
 

Post Edited By Moderator (Mazfire) : 9/11/2009 6:39:36 PM (GMT-6)


GSIII
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/11/2009 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I forgot to mention that also i used to self harm alot, i have loads of scars on my right arm that on hot days out, ill have to wear hoody's because i feel so paranoid that people will see them. It feels like to much to cope with at the moment, that im actually looking foward to die.
 
 
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use or exchange, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  
Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
 

Post Edited By Moderator (Mazfire) : 9/12/2009 4:07:46 PM (GMT-6)


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 9/11/2009 5:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to HW. Sorry I had to edit your post- please read the forum rules before posting.

You need to seek professional help as you state "that im actually looking forward to dying." This concerns me. I would also recommend stopping the smoking of illegal substances as this will not help you when you are in a depressive state. You mention having seen a pyschiatrist, do you have a good doctor who can refer you to a new one, or a therapist etc? Are your parents supportive?

Please try and seek professional help as we here on the board are not medical professionals and cant fix things for you, however we are here to support, encourage and listen. We can give you advice. I will give you some links that may be helpful:

Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
SuicidalTeens.com

Free CBT Online/MoodGYM
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

E-couch Online, free
http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome


Maz

GSIII
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/11/2009 5:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry i just needed to vent out alot of stuff i was feeling, i have a doctor, but whenever i seek professional advice and help it doesnt work at all. My parents are supportive but if i tell them the whole reason behind why im feeling like this i think they might disown me

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40592
   Posted 9/11/2009 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
First of all, welcome to the forum. I personally think that if you put your energy towards school, the other things will fall into place. It sounds like you are thinking only of your social life and not partaking in the learning part. You only get an education once. You have your whole life for the rest. I wont say you are young, but I will say that I am older and have been through all of this. And in life, you need an education, so start focusing on that. Like I say, the rest falls into place, it will always be there. But school wont.

Like as was mentioned above, keep seeking out a therapist. You really need some direction right now. You are going in circles. You want to move forward. You need direction to the right paths in life.

Stop the substance abuse if you don't want to be depressed. That only adds to it especially at your age. You need to keep a clear head. People your age are always searching for answers. How do you expect to find them when you can't think clear. You seem to have had the answers before you actually asked the questions. So I think you know what to do in order to sort things out.

Remember you are a work in progress, you are on a journey called life. We don't have all the answers for you. But we can point you in the right direction. Mazfire gave you some very good alternatives to help. I suggest that you either get into counseling, as she has recommended or use the sites and numbers that she gave you. Learn to focus on learning and stop the substance abuse.

Best wishes on your journey.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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