Crushing Depression

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debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 9/14/2009 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I really don't know where to begin. I have no health insurance. My business depends on my performance and even though I was working very hard, in this economy or in my state of mind or whatever is going on, it's not working. I'm running out of money very, very quickly.

For the past several years I've put all my energy into my business, at first successfully, but of course it came at a price. I've lost or have grown apart from my friends.

I was actually supposed to be married by now, too, however she and I broke up (and this was before things started going badly).

To be honest if you look at my life, say, now and a year ago and compare, you'd find that I've gone backwards in almost every imaginable way. It's quite overwhelming. I believe I can say with a clean conscience that it's not my fault, or at least not all of it. Business started going badly when all the banks started going under. That just makes sense. The breakup really wasn't my fault. I thought I was handling that well but maybe not, I don't know. I haven't dated anyone else because the rest of my life is chaos. Just don't feel like it.

I have anxiety disorder. This is something I had made great strides against but has now come back in a pretty big way.

Sometimes I no longer care. This wasn't the case until last week, and I feel it's a bad sign. Then again it may be self-preservation, I don't know. This morning I do care very much, but feel very hopeless, and physically I do not feel well at all.

There are a lot of other things going on that I haven't even bothered to bring up.

Just venting. Thanks for listening.
www.613photo.com/


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/14/2009 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   

debaser,

Hello and welcome back.  The last time I saw you was on New Year's Day.

I am sorry to hear you are in a bad place and it does feel like you have had some rough times this past year. 

debaser  on 1/1/2009 said...
Well, after getting caught up in the myriad of spiderwebs that are credit cards while I was in college, I have steered clear of them ever since. I think the way those companies do business is unethical and a number of things they do should be against federal law. Soon they may be, too.

If you're in too deep, obviously you need to discuss it with a lawyer first but don't be ashamed of filing bankruptcy. They structure your debt in such a way that they can milk you forever...you'd have a hard time paying it off if you truly are in too deep.

Anyway, since the post-college aftermath I've been on a pay-as-I-go system and it's worked out very well for me. I obviously do have a car loan, but my payments are low as I purchased a six-month old used car and put a lot down on it. If you need to buy a car, do your best to find a good used one. Depreciation on new cars makes them a horrible investment. You'll save a lot of money buying used if you're careful about what you buy. And it goes without saying that you shouldn't buy another car unless you really need one -- meaning that you're about to put a $2000 transmission in a 10 year old Mitsubishi. That doesn't make sense. Trade it in and spend the transmission money on a down payment for a good used car that gets good mileage and is a reliable make and model.

If you still have a job (most of us do...it's not THAT bad out there), you may consider doing what I've done, and that is move your money into a higher yield money market account as opposed to more risky instruments or low-yield savings accounts. I went with ING Direct. Money market accounts are FDIC insured. And it's worth noting that a lot of people are buying T-bills and treasury bonds right now. But the money market accounts are very fluid. Check them out, but don't necessarily go with the bank that is offering the highest rate. Customer service is important! Also search the web for promotions. Before I opened my ING account I searched for promotions and got a code from a website. ING gave me $25 and whoever ran the site got something, I'm sure. Other banks besides ING do this kind of thing.

That's about all the food for thought I can give really. Anytime you buy something, ask yourself if you really need it. Should do that in good economic times, too! Save your money!
I am bringing up your last post so you can take a look at it an see if you can find where things started to turn downward for you. I thought it might help to be able to put a perspective on how you were doing back in January.
 
I am sorry about the break up with your fiancee' and that alone must be very hard for you.  It was the loss of a dream for you as it would be for most anyone and if you did not want the break up it makes it even harder to deal with.
 
I would like to see you stop going backward and just stay right where you are for a bit so you can get a good foothold and make plans to slowly move forward again.
 
You made such great strides in learning to deal with your anxiety but with all of the downward trend this past year in the economy many people are feeling their anxiety start to rise and I hope you can use the tools you learned to stop your anxiety from spiraling out of control.
 
When we do not feel good emotionally we often feel physically ill.............have you seen your Physician for a good medical screening exam lately?  You may want to look at visiting with your Doctor re how you are feeling anxious and depressed too.
 
Glad to have you back with us,
 
Kitt
 
 
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
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"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
DX: Anxiety, Depression, Osteoarthritis, GERD, Raynaud's syndrome, Skin Cancer and  IBS

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debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 9/14/2009 9:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kitt.

Well, the money I moved into those accounts is gone. Business was good in the first part of 08 and I had a substantial cash reserve. It depleted very quickly...now I have next to nothing and business is still not going well. I still do not have any debt so bankruptcy wouldn't help me any. I'm just out of money. I can look through the records and see where it started going downhill...and that's AUG08. It's really a miracle I've lasted as long as I have.

I cannot talk to a physician as I do not have one. I had to drop my health insurance a couple months ago. In Texas there is no public system that's worth using unless you're close to ending it all. Then they'll take you in as an in-patient but I'm not quite there.

Anyway this has been going on some time now. I have honestly made those plans to move forward. They just didn't work.

I remember January very clearly. I was thinking that after the holidays business may pick up (things always slow down during the holidays), but they did not. January was actually my worst month...I lost $21k. When I wrote that post I obviously didn't yet know that. But I was in some kind of emotional stasis. I will not lie and say I was happy but I was sort of in that holding pattern you referred to.

In February or maybe early March I had some kind of "nervous breakdown" for lack of a better way of putting it. That was a result of what happened in January. I came back from that and posted a couple of good months but it's been on the decline again for some time.

Most times I tend to deny that I have depression. It's something I felt got "switched off" when A/P was "switched on". And I think that's accurate, too. But it started coming back and I have been unable to deny it. My quality of life is nil. I've put my heart and soul into a failing business. My friends and family and love life have all taken a back seat. I mean a person has to make a living right? Well suddenly I have no support system, and though I've never needed one to the extent that some do, everyone needs some kind of support. I feel distant from everything and everyone. I've worked so hard at just staying personally solvent but I think that's about to crash too and then I'll have nothing.

Thing is, I may be totally different tomorrow. I may very well start fighting again, but last week and this weekend and today I just feel beaten. So far with that one exception (nervous breakdown I told you about) I have been able to beat back the sadness to fight...that's the only reason I didn't go broke months and months ago. Until today I haven't really felt like I did back in February or March. It's a horrific combination of anxiety and depression. I mean I can't even leave my apartment. These headaches I get are so bad it's difficult to drive. I don't know what to do.

There is one person in my life out there who cares, and that is my mother. She, however is a complicated woman to begin with and on top of that is going through some of her own problems right now. I don't really feel I have anyone to talk to, and I'm not sure how much good talking would do anyway. The facts are what they are, and they're not pleasant.

Really I cannot have peace of mind while going broke. I need to fix this but I've tried everything. The only thing to do now is to give up and get a job, but as everyone knows that is not easy these days. Earlier I was thinking about whether or not I could even function at a regular job after being self employed and with all the other issues I have going on.

I don't know. I think it's one thing to be laid off from a job, and that's certainly terrible, but it's quite another to have put so much into a business only to see it fail. It's very hard to see everything I've worked so hard for fall apart. And to have no unemployment benefits or anything like that? There's no safety net. My business isn't really capitalized so there's nothing to liquidate. I'm a consultant. There's no inventory, nothing to strip apart and sell to live off of until something else comes along.

And I just feel so alone in this.

I guess I will just take phone calls today. Maybe do a little paperwork tonight. Then get back to it tomorrow because really I don't have anything else to do. I just hope this headache will leave me alone. I noticed you're also a moderator of the GERD board and that's another big problem I'm having right now.

But I can't stay where I'm at, kitt. Where I am now is a very bad place. I have to find a way to move forward and whether it's a step or a leap I don't care. Problem is I don't know what to do anymore.

Hope this message made sense. I have a billion things going through my head. Hope you're doing well and thanks for your response.
www.613photo.com/


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 9/14/2009 9:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I noticed in your post that you said that the business and the relationship breaking up wasn't your fault. Which shows that you have no control over what is happening. I try not to worry about things that I don't have any control over. I went through this and lost my business back in 2002 or so. The money just ran out and I couldn't claim bankruptcy either. I had to get an attorney and try to settle all of my credit card debts. I lost everything. I was sick for many years with fibromyalgia and depression. But I did survive, and am happy now. Things do work out. I am not running a business anymore, but I am working. So that is better than I have done in a long time. Just don't give up hope, things might change, accept the changes and do what you can with what you have.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18775
   Posted 9/15/2009 3:21 AM (GMT -7)   
my compassion to you. i do hope that things improve soon, remember to take care of you. with healing compassion.
 
jamie
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 9/15/2009 3:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the thoughts.

As for the business, I took yesterday off but got up very early today (obviously) and got my week ready. Looks like I will live to fight another day as this week should be enough to cover the losses of the last two weeks. Perhaps with some more hard work and a little better luck this thing will make it, I don't know.

What I do know is if I'm making a better living, that should free me up to think about other things. Like Jamiee said, we all need to take care of ourselves. However when you struggle for 60+ hours a week and you have no choice about it, there's just energy left to work on my own happiness. Hopefully that will change soon.

Best of Luck,
D
www.613photo.com/


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18775
   Posted 9/15/2009 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   
D a big YES to happiness, and yes, keep workin' on this, i know your suffed, but to acheive this.......well.....and all good things come to those patient, and may this happen soon. strong beleiver in karma, and i send strong good karmic compassion your way.
 
jamie. keep well. smurf

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 9/15/2009 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Ha. Well you'd think I'd have plenty of positive karma banked by now...my business exists to keep other small business in business and profitable. The problem is the types of businesses I help out are probably in the 2nd worst sector of the economy right now (auto related).

Anyway things do need to change soon. I've cut back on everything and there's no more to cut; still I'm just barely making enough to stay solvent. It's scary.

Thanks again for the kind words, and the karma.
www.613photo.com/


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18775
   Posted 9/15/2009 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
possibly a re-think regarding a c.b.a on poor performing sectors. i get that your industry is flagging, albeit what sectors are keeping you productive, re solvent? just thought i'd lend an ear. business is a depressing beast on it's own. keep well, and know that i am always around. tried to start my own business once. was an absolute nightmare, but it taught me a lot about people, the economy and how the economic climate effects us and about people. interesting stuff. cheers. jamie

debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 9/15/2009 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Jamiee --

I'm basically a consultant for auto related businesses from small garages and one man body shops to the big chains like Just Brakes and franchise dealerships (new car dealerships). The work is pretty narrow in scope and it's the only thing I'm involved in right now. Luckily I have a large client base or I'd have been out of business last year. I do have some ideas for diversification but the problem is it requires money. I don't have what it takes to capitalize anything, and do not wish to go into debt. Had I been able to see the future I would have gotten into some things at the first sign of trouble, but honestly, I thought the bad economy would actually be good for my particular business. It hasn't, and things began trending downward so quickly there was nothing I could really do about it.

I didn't exactly start this business. I began by working for my father, which is a long story in and of itself. Now I'm working on my own and that's another long story.

Can't agree that business is depressing. What's depressing me is not the work, which I actually like, but the bottom line. The money just hasn't been there and I've had to put an enormous amount of hours in just to stay afloat. All that effort and I'm a month away from having nothing at all.
www.613photo.com/


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18775
   Posted 9/15/2009 6:40 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the update. i appreciate your honesty. as my brother continues to tell me, 'money comes and money goes'. keep fightin' you will bounce back, i am pleased that you like what you do, and for those alike yourself will eventually reap the rewards of staying strong. keep posting and know that i am here for you. with compassion. jamie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 9/15/2009 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess that it is true that money comes and money goes, but it is scarey when you are going through it. It feels like the end of the world. And you can't see beyond it. But things in life change and you just have to go with it. I became ill when I lost my business. That and 911 put me under. So I couldn't imagine anything else but loss when it happened. But now I am making money another way. So life does go on. It was a long and difficult road for me. But it doesn't necessarily mean it will be for you. Have you consulted anybody to help you with all of this? What did they say? You said you can't declare bankruptcy.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 9/16/2009 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I have no debt except for student loans, so bankruptcy wouldn't help anything. Way back when I signed a 24 month lease on a loft in downtown Dallas...it's expensive and bankruptcy won't help with that. Bankruptcy would help with my car but it will be paid off in two months, so there's no real point in doing it.

Over the last year I have liquidated all investments. There's no real advice anyone could give me. It's either make money or get evicted and start all over, which obviously isn't ideal. But the business itself is lean and mean. Margins are very high but there's just not much work out there.

Today I'm in a relatively good mood and can see the positives. I have held on this long, at least, and maybe I will hold on longer. Maybe long enough for things to turn around. If I can do that I'm not in that bad of a position, really. Lack of debt, like I said, and this thing is so streamlined it couldn't possibly be more efficient. Nowhere to go but up IF things turn around.

Most days have been gloomy of late, though, and you're right that it's scary to go through this. When it's been going on for a long time it can really get you down, too. To build something and see it fall apart is no good at all. To work as hard as you can every day and end up with little or no work or new clients is extremely deflating. Combine that with the isolation and it feels like I'm losing my mind sometimes.

Thanks for listening.
www.613photo.com/


Jvb1234
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/16/2009 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, i just joined here and im not sure how to explain what i'm going through... i have to talk ot someone about how i'm feeling but i can't. for the past few months my life has been going downhill.during the summer i spent most of my time in my room bymyself, i hardly hung out with friends and tired to avoid family as much as possible when school started again a few weeks ago and its be worse ever since at school i have to act like my old self like before i always joked with friends and i have to do that every day now and pretend that nothing is wrong... that i'm happy. im not sure how much longer i can keep the acting up... yesterday i had a really bad night and today when i went to school i could pretend and one of my firends noticed... she asked me questions and i couldn't answer thme.. i couldnt  i dont know what wrong with me please help.... someone please read this before my nerve fails and i take it off i cant believe how stupid i am this is a really bad idea

Post Edited (Jvb1234) : 9/16/2009 7:28:33 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 9/16/2009 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
jbv1234,

Hi and welcome to healing well. Don't feel stupid. You have come to a good place. People here do understand.

The best thing that I can tell you is to take life one day at a time and live in the 'now'. This gives you no reason to dwell on the past or worry about the future.

I guess if you think about it. If you can put on your mask and pretend to feel good, you are feeling good on the outside. Try to feel good on the inside too. Just be happy.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Jvb1234
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/16/2009 8:37 PM (GMT -7)   
thats the thing though it just makes me feel worse i dont want to have ot pretend anymore!! i cant tell them how i really feel though i honestly cant i cant open up to people i cant let them in.

i feel unwanted by my family and some friends, my sister just went away for university this year and i was supposed to go to the city to visit her for teh weekend to drop stuff off that she left here and i just called and made sure that was still ok and she told me that she didnt wnat me to come and see her. it hurt it hurt really really bad... and my dad all he did was make jokes about it and make fun of me for it

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 9/16/2009 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I want to talk to you, but I don't want to take over this thread and what we call ambush it. So I am going to start you a new thread that we can talk on. That way people can get to know you better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/17/2009 3:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning debaser,

Hope this is a good day for you.  I understand the money issues well and right now I am getting ready to go to my casual job which is causing me a bit of anxiety as this is the first time back to work since summer break.  I know I will survive but it does bring you down when your plans go poof and you must readjust your life and your dreams.  So here I am working after retirement.  As is Karen.  :-)

I guess no one ever promised us a rose garden.

Wishing you well and I know you will survive.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


debaser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1745
   Posted 9/17/2009 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Kitt.

Really feel bad that you have to come out of retirement and work. Lots of people in my old field were ready to retire but now have stay working, and my mother was going to be ready to retire in four years but probably will not be able to do so now. Things were different with my grandparents' generation, at least if they were lucky enough to have a union job or another career with a pension.

I never felt like anything was promised to me. In fact I was born middle class but I don't remember that very well. After the divorce, which happened when I was very young, my mom was dirt poor and so was I by extension. At age 12 I started working and haven't looked back since. The problem is I'm used to a world in which if you are smart and a hard worker, you may not get rich but you will get by. These days, it's not enough to scratch and claw. You can do things right, treat people well, and still end up hanging on by a thread. A little bad luck, and it all could crash and burn. I'm not used to having to deal with luck. Am used to making my own luck, if you will.

I guess these are just hard times. You have to remember I was born in the seventies and came of age I guess in the late eighties or nineties, so I've just never experienced an economy like this. When I first graduated college the economy wasn't great. It was 2000, 2001. In comparison those were great times. It's difficult to feel like no matter what you do, you're losing.

My story isn't unique and I know that. There are lots of people who are in my situation right now, unfortunately. Hoping for all of our sake that things pick up soon.
www.613photo.com/


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 9/17/2009 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I think just as long as we do what we can, we will survive. We might not be rich, but we will be happy. And satisfied in knowing that we are doing the best that we can.

Kitt I hope that you had a good day at work. It is hard after bien off so long. But that three months goes by fast. It sure did for me.

Have a wonderful day

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/20/2009 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey debaser,

Hope your weekend went well and that you continue to talk with us and share your feelings and  insight. 

Yes I did make it through Thursday and Friday..........but could have done better but hey I am my own worse enemy at times.

Gentle Hugs and good karma for your coming week.

Hugs

Kitt

 

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