She's agreed to get help... but now how do I act while I wait?

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

ohioguy7
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/15/2009 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I am feeling great, and loving life, but every day’s an adventure. The lady, Megan, has finally admitted she’s likely in a depression swing and is going to see a doctor about meds this week. It’s been rough, but I’m optimistic. She’s a loyal and caring lady, but this depression is making her unable to take joy in anything other than her dogs. I finally got mad, told her that she needs to get help, and walked out to spend the night at my mom’s… a tactic I never tried with Jo (my ex who was manic depressive and cheated on me).

She called me later, told me she was very sorry for the things she said, that she doesn’t know what’s happening, and that she’s going to get help. Years ago, an ex (several in fact, but this most recent one was worst) walked all over her, verbally and physically abusing her. Put her into a depression. She thought it was gone when she got out of that relationship, got treatment and felt better… but for whatever reason it came back about two months ago and has only gotten worse. She told me when it started, and said she’d be fine, but she can’t seem to climb out of it.

At least, after I finally grew a pair and told her she was being unfair to me and herself (not in those words, but rather "This isn't normal, and you know it."), she’s going to get some help. I didn’t expect this, when I fell for her, I didn’t know she had a history of depression. But at least she’s a loyal girlfriend… if she gets treatment, I can deal with a depressed person... But I will not and cannot deal with an abusive significant other, and I’ve made that clear to her too. I will stand by her side and support her through it all, but she has to try to get better. To want to get better.

Once she gets the depression under control, hopefully we’ll go back to being where we were before it landed. I’m anxious to find out if that’s possible.

When I go home tonight, how do I act? How should I behave from now until she gets the help and it starts to take effect?

EDIT: Let me make this a little clearer too. She's been blowing up at me lately for no real reason. The littlest things can set her off. Like not making a sexual advancement when she wants me to (even though she could show signs of this herself and help me know she's in the mood). This past weekend we were supposed to go the Browns game together and the day before was a lot of fun. But the evening found her in a terrible mood, out of nowhere, and while we tried to talk and I kept calm as she yelled... nothing was solved.

She told me that we should just sleep and she'd feel fine in the morning, but the sour mood towards me carried through the entire day, and when we got home from the rather miserable time at the game... she blew up when I asked her if it was cool that I run to my mom's house to fix her PC for her. She pulled no punches as she attacked me in the bedroom department, said that I shouldbe calling her a b**ch for acting like this but that I'm just a pushover for letting her say these things. I finally told her, "I'm going to my mom's. I need to get this done. Cool off, and know I love you."

She said, "Oh, so you just HAD TO ADD THAT!" Then I finally lost it. I went back, and "yelled" as much as someone like me is able. I told her, "Look, this isn't HARD, Megan. You're making it hard on yourself and us. If you're not feeling right, take initiative and go see a doctor!"

She called me later and we talked, cried, and I got some stuff to stay at my mom's to give her space. I was supposed to stay away all week, but she wants me back tonight. But she's not ready to talk about it all, she says... so how do I act while I wait for her to bring it up? <!-- google_ad_section_end -->
 
Was something copied from google into your post?
Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 9/15/2009 4:15:38 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/15/2009 10:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Ohioguy7,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the Depression board. I hope you find the advice you're looking for here.

I'm glad you convinced Megan to finally get some help. I hope it works for her. I would only counsel you to be patient. Give her the space she's asking for, and try not to take the things she says personally. She's not herself.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


ohioguy7
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/15/2009 10:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Serafena.

But how do I act in the meantime? While she decides when she feels well enough to talk to me about all this? Do I just act like nothing's going on? Be myself and be loving like I always am? Or would that only make it worse, because she'd think I'm avoiding the topic?

Mind you, she told ME, that she's not ready to talk about stuff... so what do I do in the meantime to make sure our living together is harmonious as possible?

polarsmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 9/15/2009 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, Not really knowing much about the situation...  Is it possible that she may be going through "the change"? 
 
That really messes with the hormones and makes you kinda cranky. 
 
As far as how you should act, well, I would just pay close attention to her mood.  If you know she's feeling okay, calm and things are relaxed then I would discuss the situation a little bit with her.  Really encourage her to see a doctor.  But don't make her feel bad about it.  Just let her know you're concerned because obviously something isn't right and she's not happy.  That you want her to take care of herself so she'll feel better. 
 
Let her know that it bothers you when the two of you say mean things to each other out of frustration.  But don't finger point.  That won't help.  Be patient, and as understanding as possible.  And if she seems like she needs space then give her space.  I know it seems like you are watching every move you make and everything word that you say.  Try to hang in there.  Try to be loving and easy going about little things.  That doesn't mean let her treat you like a turd.  But just let things roll off you for the time being.  After she gets on some meds and starts feeling better you'll see it's all worth it.  She'll love you for it.  And you'll feel good about helping her as well. 

ohioguy7
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/15/2009 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Polarsmom.

She's only 27, so I doubt it's the change. :)

But between moving in with me (the first man she's lived with), unhappy at work, an ex-boyfriend making waves (that's over with now) and turning as she puts it "Upper 20s", she's stressed out and this is likely what's caused her to slide into depression that she thought she was out of.

I actually don't say anything mean to her. I'm just not that way... it took all my "anger" to tell her she's only making things hard on herself. The fact that I'm so calm in the face of her crankiness infuriates her, so oddly... I'm trying to let myself get passionate without getting mean. She's struggled with bulimia before, and depression, and she feels like she's made wrong decisions in her career. These are all things that I KNOW are sensitive issues, so unles she brings them up, I don't talk about them. And when she does I show her the positives. She's NO LONGER BULIMIC, she's a freakin' size 4, and if she got out of depression once she can do it again. She just needs help. As for the career, she's got training as a teacher and as a Paul Mitchell certified stylist. She has a wealth of potential in either place and just needs to keep at either one.

So, believe me... I'm MR. POSITIVE. But it's just not enough. I'm SO GLAD she finally agreed to seek help. But I want her to talk to me about it all... sooner rather than later. In the meantime, like you say, I'll do my best to read her mood, and be myself. I won't walk on eggshells. She said she doesn't want me to, and I really don't want to either. But I will make sure she knows I'm not her enemy, and that I'm there FOR her, not against her.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 9/15/2009 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ohioguy7,

I think that you have gotten some very good advice here. Mostly, be yourself, I really think if you do otherwise it will make her uneasy.

Remember if the doctor puts her on any meds, it takes four to six weeks before they reach their full effect. But I really and truly think that just taking the step of seeing a doctor will make a difference in the way she acts. She will be taking that first big step and that alone takes a huge weight off of one's shoulders.

Continue to be patient and most of all just be yourself. I am sure this is going to work out, it just takes time.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ohioguy7
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/16/2009 5:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt, I have no idea... that's a new one to me!

Okay folks, so I went home last night. I beat her there. I took the dogs out, did the trash, got the mail, and started on some work I needed to get done for the night. When she came home our little dog had pooped on its poo-pad by the door and then jumped in it and of course... on her.

There went the neighborhood and any chance at a nice evening.

She didn't so much as say hello to me before changing into her workout clothes and going for a walk with the dogs. I tried to hug her, to let her know I'd missed her and I got shot down and told that the "poo-zone" had made her frustrated and that she only asked me back home because she thought it was unfair that I stay at my mom's when the condo is technically mine.

I called her mom while she was gone. Her mom told me she still says she doesn't want to break up with me or anything like that but that she doesn't feel right and needs to get better before we work on anything about our relationship. She feels a little fenced in because out condo is small (she's never lived with anyone before) and she feels obligated to spend time with me (when I've told her the exact opposite is true, she can come home and do whatever she wants she just needs to voice her opinions).

So the night went on, I went and got some pizza and breadsticks after asking if she'd like some. She was calmer but still distant at this point. She joked around a bit about some lady she dealt with at work, and we talked about the last book in the Twilight series (I'm reading it currently at her behest).

It was a very awkward, and dodgy night though. It was plain to see we were both avoiding the elephant in the room. She did sleep in the same bed with me though, which was nice. She let me caress and kiss her to show her I'm still there and not alienated by this illness. But obviously we didn't do anything more than that. I'm not sure when we'll be able to get back to being sexual. I just know that she feels I need to try, despite how she might seem to be feeling, because as she puts it... she still wants to, her drive to initiate is just not there.

I'm still feeling so lost though. Right now, until this depression is kicked in the arse, I don't know where I stand. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I let her come to me, and just try to give her space at home for the most part? Do I suggest we watch movies or go for walks together occassionally? Do I just go about my own business and pretend her sourface is not bothering me?

I'm telling you, this is harder than it ever was when my wife cheated on me and left me. I care so much more about this girl, and all I want is for her to get better and be in love with me again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 9/16/2009 5:56 AM (GMT -7)   
You were given some good advice, gut it still sounds like yuou have questions. Try to take the advice given. Take life one day at a time. Go with the flow.

Best wishes,

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


polarsmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 9/16/2009 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
There really isn't much more YOU can do. Sounds like she is having a difficult time. And is really needing to see a doctor about it. Things are probably overwhelming her at this point. Living with someone is a huge adjustment. For both of you. If she is dealing with depression +/or anxiety that just adds another mountain to climb. This will be a difficult battle. For you too. And you may need to figure out a way to keep your spirits up. Whether it be escaping in a book, going for a walk, or whatever you enjoy for a little down time.

She may appear to be distant because she's embarrased or really doesn't know how to act or what to say. Not sure how you feel or what you think of her. Or afraid that you're going to ambush her with a ton of questions. Just do what you have been doing. Try to do things that you'd normally do. Give her a few days and let things naturally fall back into place. Don't push. And as things get less awkward between the two of you then suggest a movie, or walking the dogs together. If she enjoys her walk with the dogs then maybe ask if she'd mind if you go with tonight. But again, don't push anything. Just enjoy the walk. It will most likely be awkward. She's probably thinnking you're looking for an opportunity to talk. And you probably are. I can't blame you at all. I'd want to talk about it too. But wait until the moment is right. Wait until she's ready.

From my own experience I can understand exactly what is happening to her. And I realize that I am difficult to be around when I am in a serious funk. It's not intentional. It's difficult for the person who has the illness to feel all these feelings. Not knowing why, or what the heck to do to stop it from overwhelming you. But I do know that there are days I feel a bit better. And there are also times during the coarse of the day that are better/worse. So if you can be aware of when those times may be for her then you'll have a better chance or having a heart to heart with her.

I for one need some time when I come home to just BE. I don't know why, but I feel cranky when I get home. But after a I've changed clothes or had a quick snack, read some emails or something I feel much better. Kinda like how people are in the AM before work. Need their coffee to wake up and get going. But if something goes wrong during that time watch out! LOL...... It's like that time makes or breaks my mood for the night. Terrible I know. But true. If she seems like she needs a bit of time let her have some time. If she needs to vent or have a good cry, let her.

Oh, another suggestion. I am one for writing. I will write notes, buy cards or leave a message on my husbands cell phone (when I know he can't answer) Maybe you can try this. Pick up a card that says what you are thinking. Write a letter. Or leave her a short message letting her know you are thinking of her. Something non confrontational. But lets her know that this is on your mind. And this way you can "talk" without being interrupted. And you can encourage her without any confusion, hurt feelings and so on. I hope that this makes sense to you. It does in my head, but that doesn't mean it's coming out correctly. LOL.......

ohioguy7
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/16/2009 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
She did say, when pissed about the poo (haha!) that she still needs her space, but that she felt it was unfair for me not to be there. Our condo is kind of small though, so I guess I just need to let her be in her room (she has an office with a daybed we set up for her) when she goes there. But not ignore her? I know that would only make it worse.

I'll keep trying to be as normal as possible, and let her know in that way that I'm ready for her to talk whenever she is. She does feel, according to her mother, that she needs to battle and kick this depression before she can deal with anything else. And chances are, correct me if I'm wrong, she'll feel far better about our relationship and chances together once the depression is lessened, right? That's what I hear anyway.

I hear depression makes everything seem hopeless. She even said to me before that it doesn't matter what happens because she's already ruined eveyrthing anyway... to which I urged her that's not true, that it's the depression talking, and that once she gets some help she'll see things are just fine between us.

Because on my end, minus these constant feelings of woe, things are fine. We don't fight, we have fun when she's feeling right, and we laugh a ton... when she's feeling right. For the past two months, that just hasn't been the case. So I'm feeling a little anxious for her to see her doctor and get some help, so that we can slowly but surely get back in line with each other... or at the very least she can start thinking clearly about our future or lack thereof together.

I want one, I still do, even despite this setback, because I know it's not her. It's an illness of sorts that needs to be cured. I have high hopes that if it can be taken care of, we'll be just fine. Nothing will ever be 100% easy, as life never is... but I have a feeling she'll feel more confident about her decision to move in and fall in love with me once these awful feelings of regret, hopelessness, sadness, and stuck-ness subside.

Please tell me, am I right in this line of thinking, Polarsmom? Is it really just as easy (though not quite) as me being there, keeping myself sane, and acting normal while she deals with what she needs to deal with?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 9/16/2009 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Have you ever thought of going to counseling yourself? You would get some support and some suggestions on how to handle this. Think about it.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


jujub
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Mar 2003
Total Posts : 10391
   Posted 9/16/2009 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Ohioguy, you might actually have better luck at another site. People here can tell you what might help them, but each person is different and has different needs. This site has some great tips on supporting a family member who has depression:
 
 
 
Judy
 

ohioguy7
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/16/2009 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Judilyn!

I do appreciate those words too. Especially since most sites like that all agree and give the same advice. It makes it easier to proceed at home. But I still like the personal responses I can get here. Insight is good sight.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/16/2009 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Ohioguy7,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.

I appreciate the fact that you have a problem but the forum here is for the people who are diagnosed as depressed or feel they may have depression.

It normally works best when we speak with the person who suffers from depression.

Having a significant other that suffers from depression can be extremely difficult and this is especially true if you have never experienced any type of depression.

In your situation this is where you may need to look back and remember why you chose this lady in the first place to share your life with ? What are her good qualities? What made you fall in love with her? She is not depressed all of the time is she? Doesn’t she
still have most of those good qualities?

Although it's not always easy to do, you need to remember that you love this lady and anything less than caring and compassion isn't fair to her.

At the same time you need to take care of you and I am wondering if you have looked at any counseling for yourself ? I feel it is important to have some down time and please know it is ok to take time out for you.

As difficult as this may seem you need to keep in mind that this is a temporary thing and that "roses will bloom again" between you two if you want them to.

I personally like the site that Judy posted for you as it gives you great information and from there you can make a plan on how you can deal with your feelings and how you will support this Lady Megan.

Respectfully,
Kitt
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
DX: Anxiety, Depression, Osteoarthritis, GERD, Raynaud's syndrome, Skin Cancer and  IBS

Not a mental health professional of any kind


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/16/2009 3:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Ohioguy7,
You are asking clinical level of questions that are best left to mental health care professionals to answer, and so I strong suggest seeing a professional for one on one advice. It is really beyond the purview of this forum.
Navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 9/16/2009 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree with the others that you might be better off seeking help on a different forum, but if I may, I'd like to offer some quick advice:

If you want to maintain this relationship, I think that perhaps the best thing for you to do is to learn to love the person your girlfriend is *while she is depressed*, instead of wishing for better days so that things can get back to "normal". You already love who she is when she is not depressed: love the depressed person too, and you will be able to love the whole person.

This may well aid your girlfriend's recovery, too, as she will not feel she needs to act around you, and can just be herself.

all the best,

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


Cowboy up
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 52
   Posted 9/17/2009 3:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Ohioguy give her space , dont take things personally because it is the depression talking not her . The other thing I would recommend is to just let her know you are there for her. The hardest thing for me was when she was in a mood or said something was to not take it personally. It got a lot easier with the realization that Im not responsible for everything that she feels. That is up to thre counselor to sort out . Good luck .

polarsmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 9/17/2009 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with what everyone has posted. All you can do is support her while she goes through this. You can't change or fix anything that is going on. She needs to see a doctor to get the help she needs to get better. It's good that she has realized that something is wrong. Now she has to WANT to get better. SHE is the one who needs to address the problem and make the next step. As much as you want to fix things, make it better or try to make all those negative feelings go away. There is nothing you can do to fix it for her. If she is dealing with depression and it hasn't gone away then she needs to get medical help. And the only thing you can do is just be there for her.

It won't be easy. I know that it hasn't been for my husband. He's been wonderful. Gives me space when I need it. Doesn't push me to 'talk' or get on my case about my emotions. He just lets me be. He reaches out in small ways. Sometimes I reach out sometimes I don't. He has learned to 'read' me. And I am learning how to manage my emotions. Learning how to make it through the day without being consumed by it (depression). And I have good days and bad. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to fix or change what is going on with me. As much as I'd like for that to happen too. All you can do is be there. If it's something you don't think you can handle on your own then I would encourage you to seek couseling for yourself. I dunno, maybe you two can go together.

I wish I could be more helpful. Believe me. If I knew how to make this demon go away, I'd write a book! LOL........
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 02, 2016 11:50 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,731,976 posts in 300,977 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151141 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, LydiaLoftis.
215 Guest(s), 5 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
rollout, Tagier, desert bound, LydiaLoftis, Oranged


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer