My wife says shes done helping.

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aannddyy00
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/21/2009 10:41 PM (GMT -7)   
This is my first post and I only came to accept the fact that I am depressed last week. Ive been married to a woman who i love with all of my heart for a year. Weve been together just a year and a half. about 2 months ago things started going downhill with our marriage. She told me she thought i was depressed and i didnt believe her. Many members of my family have it and I had always looked at it as an excuse for whatever reason. I really dont like the idea of meds and dont want to take them but will if thats what it takes. I want so badly for my wife to be happy and to like me again. I believe she loves me but weve not made love for about 2 months and she said my insecurity and "lack of backbone" make it nearly impossible to be attracted to me. Weve been fighting 3 or 4 nights a week with varying intensity for several months. Tonight we went to a concert and i was actually having a genuinely fun time and she told me that i was arrogant after bringing up franz liszt as he is the subject of one of the bands songs. I feel like she wants out of the marriage and when i tell her that she says im being desperate and she is bothered by that. I suppose this is long enough, thanks for reading.

LuckyLindy
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 9/21/2009 11:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Do you honestly feel depressed and insecure? It's worth talking to a doctor/psychologist. If you genuinely are clinically depressed, she's not being terribly supportive by saying you lack backbone. Maybe she really is just looking for a way out? Either way, talk to a professional. If you are opposed to drugs, a psychologist (or church/other counselor if you don't have insurance or the means to visit a doctor).

Good luck!

aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/22/2009 12:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I would honestly say i do feel depressed and insecure. i was best man at my friends wedding a while ago and couldnt stand the pressure of it all. Spent the whole night in the hallway alone. Another wedding i absolutely lost all control and had to leave 5 minutes into being there. At least once a week i will have an emotional breakdown and cry myself to sleep. anything and everything both at work and at home i take personally and become angry quite often. i feel desperate in my marriage and will literally do anything my wife tells me. "Go down and get my phone out of the car" for example. Its not that that is something i wouldnt do, i love doing things for her. But I feel like I cant say no. i can understand how this would be tough for her to deal with, but i need more from her.I do know that i should go see a doctor about this, but ive felt this way on and off since adolescence, im now 25. she says she is committed to our marriage, but i believe her less and less every day.
Andy


LuckyLindy
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 9/22/2009 12:18 AM (GMT -7)   
If you're committed to your marriage, see a doctor pronto. Try a psychologist/counselor first, if that doesn't work see a psychiatrist (who can prescribe you drugs). I imagine that, from her perspective, it's tough to be interested in someone who isn't interested in helping himself.

aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/22/2009 12:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Ive taken a very active interest in dealing with this since i came to believe that i am depressed. ive found a meeting here in town and ive decided to start writing. and started on the message boards. it just seems like she expects this to go away right away. i try to have a positive attitude when i get home from work and she tells me im being weird. yeah im calling the doctor tomorrow.
Andy


THE HAPPY TURTLE
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 9/22/2009 1:59 AM (GMT -7)   
agree with the doc, and marriage counselling as well. this way you can rectify things more quickly. furthermore this will show your true dedication to the marriage. even if your wife does not attend i recommend that you do, be it psycholoogist/therapist or whoever your comfortable with. your doc may well be able to refer you to someone on a sliding fee scale. seeing your doc will also be beneficial to your mental health as well, meds/treatments and theraputic referal. if you attend m/c it is possible that she wil attend as well. keep strong, by taking care of you you can take care of each other. good luck. jamie
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/22/2009 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   
aannddyy
 
Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  If you feel you are depressed please do see your doctor/psychologist.  Remember this is about you and when your depressed your mind can play all kinds of tricks on you........thus your feelings of hopelessness.

Never lose hope in dealing with your fears and depression.
 
Take care and do seek the advice of a professional for your own good.

Kitt 
 
 
 
 
 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
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http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
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Not a mental health professional of any kind


aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/22/2009 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
well, we got in another fight and she went to her parents house with my stepdaughter. i actually feel pretty good considering. i called my best friend and he came over and we talked about everything that has been going on. he didnt know about any of what was going on until now.
Andy


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 9/22/2009 10:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that you have taken some good steps to move forward. Calling the doctor is a great step, now actually go to the appointment. You have to learn to manage your depression for yourself. I think that kids who are depressed is a compltely different issue than adults who are depressed. As a kid there are less expectations than adults have. As we age the expectations of "mature behavior" change and how we are perceived changes. Now that you are an adult how depression adds to the expectations or perceptions of you changes as well.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony
 
I refuse to define myself by my condition or the meds I take


hboy
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 9/24/2009 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Andy, I'm in the same boat. My wife can't accept my depression despite many meds I have tried and some counselling. I haven't had sex for way longer than you, it hurts your self es teem. But You have been just diagnosed and get help. Try to educate yourself and your wife-this can be a real challenge. She must realize that this is not a quick fix like flipping on a switch or something. Just because multiple meds have not helped me doesn't mean one can help you- but I would talk to a doc to see how severe your depression is and go from there. I know how you feel brother.

aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/24/2009 12:15 PM (GMT -7)   
The worst of it is, i know ive been a drain on her and that hurts, i want to start doing more things for her but i feel like ill be perceived as being weak or desperate for doing more. She already is turned off by my low self esteem and the fact that i cant stand up to her. How can i do more for her to feel less drained and still get her to not see more weakness?
Andy


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 9/24/2009 12:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Why would you feel that doing things for her would make you look weak? What kind of things? Why can't you stand up to her and how does she put you into a situation where you feel the need to stand up to her? Just curious I guess.

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/24/2009 12:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Shes mentioned to me how she could tell me to do anything and i would. I just dont want her to feel like i am just doing something like the dishes or vacuuming or whatever, just so she will like me more. I suppose that is the reason im doing it, but shes been quite busy with her job and school starting back up and i havent pitched in like i should have been. I know i need to do more around the house and stuff, im afraid she will think im doing it simply for the fact that i think it will make her like me more. As opposed to, these are things she doesnt have a lot of time for and as a responsible person im just helping because she needs some help.
Andy


aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/24/2009 12:33 PM (GMT -7)   
i should note hboy. ive not yet been officially diagnosed with any type of depression, but have an appt with my family practitioner on monday of next week, and an appt with a psychologist on wed. So its possible im just being a complete crybaby with all of this. Sure ive noticed many things im feeling that fall in with depression, but its not diagnosed. Thanks for everyones input.
Andy


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 9/24/2009 1:08 PM (GMT -7)   
You should do things because you want to. Without feeling that you are doing it because you want her to like you. She should love you, she is your wife. I am glad that you are seeing a doctor and a psychologist soon. Make sure to be up front and talk about the things that you talked about here. Maybe you could print out this thread. Carry it with you. That would probably really help. You should feel good about helping your wife, especially if she needs the help. Or maybe I should say for the family. And if you have the extra energy, that is great. But if she really is making coments about you would do anything she asked in a snide way, that hurts you, that is not good.

I hope that things work out for you. Hang in there.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/24/2009 1:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen, thats exactly how i feel. I guess with how insecure ive been, im worried that these things i need to do for our family will be taken the wrong way. My mind just gets to racing and i cant help but think of the worst things possible. Like the way ive become less secure, and i glanced at her web history and noticed she was searching her professors name and i immediately come to the conclusion that she must be cheating on me. I feel really nuts sometimes. Today has actually been really good though, ive been able to laugh at work and i think some of the stuff ive been doing has really helped. Such as eating better and drinking more water, i took the dogs for a nice long walk and took a nice shower, and having somewhere to vent like oh here. Sometimes those things dont even seem important, then when i get to do them it can make a world of difference. Right now i feel like everything will work out, but who knows, later on ill likely think our marriage is over and ill never be happy again.
Andy


LuckyLindy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 9/24/2009 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like she is looking for a take-charge type of guy, and that you are being the sensitive and communicative type of guy. Something needs to change, and the problem may not all be due to depression ... it could be the relationship or even her ... her comments and fighting might all be a cover, who knows.

If she is making snide comments about you doing things whenever she asks, then stop doing everything she asks. There's a difference between being helpful and being a doormat. You ARE NOT making her like you by being a puppy dog that she can walk all over. To me, there's something wrong with the relationship if she chooses to walk all over you in the first place. Usually people who take advantage of others in that manner have low self esteems themselves.

One other thing you can do is find yourself and learn to be independent. I'm sure this is extremely difficult when you're feeling so low. If she starts a fight (I'm assuming she starts them), why continue it? You can always say "this isn't solving anything, I'm going out with the guys" (or for a walk, or to work in the basement, or whatever) and be done with it. How can either of you be happy in a relationship if your time together is split between fighting, depression, and put downs?

How does the saying go? Learn to love yourself and everyone else will follow?

aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/24/2009 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks a lot lucky lindy. youve hit the nail on the head. i think im standing up to her at the wrong times. it used to be when we were first together she wouldnt think of walking on me. she wouldnt dare. but she had an ectopice pregnancy and i started to help more than i had and when she came out of the funk she was in after that, i didnt change, she started walking on me and i felt worse. she was less attracted to me and everything snowballed. i just sent her an email telling her how i was going to make it a point to get off my tail and start doing things and she didnt have to respond. i just realized theres nothing i can do to MAKE her like me again. i need to like and love myself. the only thing i worry about is becoming more selfish as that has been something ive been forever. ive got alot of work but today i feel like it will all be worth it.
Andy


hboy
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 9/24/2009 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Luckylindy I think that was a great comment that actually gave me some insight as well. And Andy I think your starting to realize how to help yourself. You have made neccesary steps in helping yourself and your wife possibly indirectly. You should feel better that you have taken these baby steps. I'm learning that there needs to be a balance in my life with my wife. Yes you need to help your wife but You helping yourself will make you stronger and give you self-esteem-and your wife should follow especially if she sees you helping yourself. You said she likes a take charge kind of guy-most women do.I know its sometimes hard to be critiqued, but you must not her bother you- easier said than done sometimes .I'm glad you were able to chuckle today .hboy

aannddyy00
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/25/2009 8:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Update. Ive felt pretty good the last couple days but I feel like i could have a breakdown at any second here. She told me a few months ago she wished i would "take charge". i thought that was fair. I never really care what goes on and never really tell her i want to do something. starting to be more active i think has helped, so i shot her an email today telling her i thought we should go do something, bowling, putt putt, pumpkin patch, when i got off work. She told me she was tired and didnt want to do anything and i told her she had worked pretty hard this week on school as she had 2 tests, and we both needed to get out. She said fine to the pumpkin patch and i was actually pretty excited. I got home and she said she would rather just go out for dinner and do the pumpkin patch tomorrow. i said that was fine with me and i felt a little defeated. i cant help but feel weak, and when i tell her i want to do something i feel like im being a jerk. we put our daughter to bed and we talked for a little bit. we talked more today than we have since last weeks breakdown. she wanted to do some reading and i came down to sit on the couch. i went upstairs and she was sleeping and then got on here. this place has helped so much. you guys give me a place to say how i feel without having to look like a weakling in front of her. thank you to everyone who has replied.
Andy


LuckyLindy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 9/25/2009 9:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Have you taken up exercise? Running/lifting/etc? Great for boosting your mood.

As long as you are worried about "making her like me" and "[not looking] like a weakling in front of her" you might have a tough time accomplishing either. It really sounds like you need an outlet where you can feel good about yourself. That's why I thought of exercise/sports ... setting goals and hitting them can be great for self esteem.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 9/25/2009 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Did you go out to dinner? I hope so. And to the pumpkin patch tomorrow. That would be cool. Just because the plans got changed, dont' be down. At least you still got out together. And will again tomorrow.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


rachealray
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/29/2009 11:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello,
My name is Shilo
I have been researching Depression and it's link to poor diet or wrong diet for about a year now.
For those of you who are not getting any relief from your Depression from Perscription drugs you may want to have your Dr. test you for Folate deficency.
I hope I spelled hat correctly.

Increace your B-complex vitamin intake as well as taking more walks in the sun to increase your vitamin D level.
Visit a web-site called Nutrition and Depression it will help you a lot.


Shilo

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 9/29/2009 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shilo,

Welcome to HealingWell and the depression forum. And thank you for the link. Though I do not recommend anybody taking prescription medications to start taking herbal remedies without talking to their doctor first. Some herbs don't mix with medications.

Are you suffering from depression at this time or have the herbs helped you. I have a few friends that see naturopathic doctors and are doing well. I think that it depends on what is right for that particular person. Everybody is different in that way. What works for some doesn't always work for another.

Do tell us more about yourself. If you want to, you are welcome to start thread of your own with an introduction telling us a little about yourself. If not, you are welcome to chime in on other threads that interest you.

Best wishes,

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


rachealray
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/29/2009 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,

I never mentioned herbal remedies and it is a proven fact that people who are not responding to pysch meds are probably deficient in B-complex vitamins.

Yes I have depression and yes I did my homework.

So nice to hear from you.

Pamela
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