Trying to get better and it's become harder.....harder

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DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 9/27/2009 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I am 27 years old and I believe I have been suffering from depression for five years, maybe longer. However the point I remember my life changing dramatically was five years ago. I was in a relationship for almost 2 years and I lived with him for about 2 months when he started hanging out with my best friend a lot. They claimed it to be nothing more then a friendship but I was extremely jealous and suspicious and it started to eat me up inside. I was constantly spying and asking questions to everyone I knew. He recently lost his job at the time and I was working a lot of hours to try to keep up the bills. I admit I was testy and we got into a lot of fights which might have pushed him to hang out with my friend even more. Anyway that year on memorial day I did something I never really do I go drunk and upset and attacked both my friend and my fiance, not physically verbally and I felt horrible for it. Then a month later I broke up with him because I couldn't take the stress. I should have been happier but I wasn't, not that long after that I contracted bulimia and lost 30 lbs in a month and was taken to the hospital by a concern friend the day after my birthday in 2004. I later found out from that same friend, that my ex fiance and my one friend ended up dating and had told her and another friend about it. I was crushed and heartbroken because I still loved him and the friend he ended up with was my best friend since 1995.

Her and I have since reconciled after a year of fighting and the two years of separation, I figured that would help me heal if I forgave her and saw her perspective since they were still together and are now. I figured they most really love each other, plus she is suffering from a rare disease which took her kidneys away and she has rejected every donor kidney so I was afraid she might pass without me knowing. Our friendship is pretty good, however we have had some awkward moments when she tries to mention a sexual relationship or when ever she talks about how good he treats her. It makes me mad and jealous that he never treated me as good as he does to her. I actually have ran into him three times and he refuses to speak to me or look at me, once was at a friend's birthday party, twice was at my friend's house when he came home while we were there.

Anyway, for the past five years I have been depressed. It varies from extreme depression to where I think about committing suicide to mild depression where I just get sad at the state my life is been. I have been on three anti depression and anti anxiety medications but they cause extreme weight gain which also makes me depressed or I don't feel any emotion what so ever.

I have yet to be able to move on from my ex, I have dated here and there but no man stays around for very long. My friend sees this and I can tell it bothers her, she probably figured it would be easy for me to find someone to love if she ended up with my ex. I live with another friend and her boyfriend because even with my two jobs I am still a student and don't make enough to live on my own. I want to real soon, however I am afraid to live alone because I am a woman and it can be hard, but I am also afraid of living alone making my depression even worse. I have been in this rut for five years, I know it bugs people please help!

DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 9/27/2009 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I also recently have been diagnosed with arthritis in my knees and I am only 27! It hurts like crazy! I have money problems and I realize everyone does but it puts my in horrible depressive states where I can't focus on anything. I will graduate from college in December and that scares me having to pay loans plus all my bills now, plus having to find a place to live and needing a new job. I already have been looking but have yet to find! UGH! This is so hard

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 9/27/2009 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Disneygirl,

You need to think about the positives. You are holding two jobs and going to school. You are actually doing well for yourself, you just don't realize it.

Maybe you should try living alone and see how it goes. Talk to your friends and let them know that you want to try it and see how it goes. They might let you move in if things don't work out for you.

You are young and full of potential. You sound bright and very kind and honest. I know that you can get over your friends hooking up. She needs a man that is good to her and you should be starting to get happy for her. After all it sounds like they have been together now for a long time. And it must be difficult for her and him both right now. I hope that she finds a compatable kidney.

I think it sounds like it is time for you to move on in life and you are naturally afraid. But you are stonger than you think and I know that you can handle this. Have faith in yourself.


You have come to a good place. There are many wonderful members that can offer you some advice. I am happy that you popped in.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 9/27/2009 8:47 PM (GMT -7)   
hi disneygirl. i think your relationship was not meant to be. as a guy i am a little aggreived that he can not talk to you when he sees you. hey, maybe he is meant to be with your girlfriend, thus be happy for her, if not him. maybe he wants you to be happy for him, maybe he just does not care? anyway, for you to move on, you need to move on from the past. you can't change it, thus i would suggest looking at the here and now. when you are able to let this go i feel that your relationship issue will change rather nicely and quickly. you are carrying around baggage from the past, thus look at ways to bin it. i am sorry that you are depressed, with some positive reinfrcement i feel you will be okay. i understand that you were in a committed relationship, but this relationship has ended, more on his end than yours. stuff him i say. you have every right to be happy too, thus when you are able get your own place and let life happen, and let i t happen too. please know that at hw we care, i also want to welcome you to the forum. keep well.
 
jamie.
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder

DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 9/28/2009 6:19 PM (GMT -7)   
The problem is as much as I want my own place I can not afford it, even with my two jobs. I work in education and I don't make a whole lot of money. I am trying to get a better paying job but I am in the border right before I graduate and before I get my Masters to become a teacher.

I am not an extremely social person, I even go to ASU and have been for two years and I have yet to really have any close friends or even be asked out by a guy. I do try to talk to people and we do assignments together but once the class is over the relationship with the people seems to cease.

I see lots of movies alone and I also go out to eat alone or bookstores alone, my best friend and my roommate spends most of her time with her boyfriend, the house I live in is also her house. She makes way more money then I do so she is very supportive and understanding when it comes to the rent sometimes which can make me feel very useless. My other friend is with my ex and she is a teacher so I don't get to see her very much either. I also have a friend from high school who now lives in Missouri. When I am at work I eat lunch alone because they all speak Spanish together and do not adjust when I am with them.

I spend Saturdays and Friday nights alone and have no where to go out to and no one to hang out with. My mom sometimes invites me out with her and I like the company but I am 27 and should have people my age or even a man. I can not seem to get many dates or flirted with or hit on. You say I carry baggage but men can't tell that just by looking at me and at school I don't act like "A man hurt me stay away" so I am so confused.

DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 9/28/2009 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I am pretty attractive, I am not a troll but this whole situation with my ex seems to have cursed me when it comes to relationships with love because I have not been able to meet any men or be approached by men outside of online. When I meet the online men they only want one thing and only stay around long enough to get it. If I don't give it up then they are gone right away. I have actually considered giving up on dating all together and no one seems to care because if I don't actively force finding someone to date online it never happens naturally. I am so exhausted and tired always trying to make ends meet, going to class and trying to find a job so I can support myself. I still feel like a child who does nothing for herself especially since I am 27 and still spend almost all my time alone.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 9/28/2009 8:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe you are just a solitude type person. Maybe you choose to be alone because you are comfortable with that. And maybe you just don't realize it. I like being by myself. You do get lonely once in a while but for the most part, I enjoy it. And that is okay.

Things just have a way of working out. I think that if you focus on your work and your school, the rest will fall into place for you. You are still young and there are many fish in the sea. When the right one comes along, you will know it.

Keep on keeping on, you can do this. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 9/29/2009 5:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I am not THAT young....I am getting close to 30 and all my friends are coupled together and sooner or later they will get married and move on, leaving me in the dust. Yes occasionally I like to be alone but not all the time which seems to be the case. My mother was married by my age and so are a lot of people and I don't want to wait till my 30's and 40's in case I decide to get pregnant because at those ages in becomes risky.

I feel like I am going to be like my aunt and my grandmother. Both my grandmother and aunt could not hold on to anyone and they ended up living with each other. My grandmother however passed away and now my aunt lives all alone. I went to her apartment once and it was a mess, junk everywhere and all she wanted to do was talk about when my dad and her were kids. The good times I believe for her when their was family everywhere before they all had children and moved away. I already see these traits in myself.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 9/29/2009 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   
You ARE young. Thirties is a wonderful age. Yes I know that it may be more risky to have a baby, but you would be a wonderful mother.

I imagine that your aunt is lonely, but talking about things to you is probably comforting to her. I am glad that you are taking the time to spend with her.

It sounds like you are afraid of growing old alone. I guess I have that same fear. My husband is much older than me and I dont' have any children of my own. But I have his grandchildren and they treat me like family. So that is a comfort to me.

Try not to compare yourself to others, you will go at your own rate. Do what is right for you. If it is a man that you are looking for, I would suggest going to places like coffee shops, book stores and places that you would most likely meet a nice guy. But to be honest, these things happen in time. Before you know it Mr. Right will be just around the corner. In the meantime, take care of you. Do good things for yourself and love yourself. You are a special person and things will happen that are right for you. Enjoy life, with or without somebody else. What will be will be.

Best wishes for a wonderful day,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 9/29/2009 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   
hey, things happen in time, and they are starting for me and i am 37!! time is not an issue, it is the journey that counts. stuff those pigs online. i am disgusted by these type of men, and i have posted my feelings about this a few times, and yes i am male. it is when i hear things like this i feel like........well it pisses me off, and you my dear are a beautiful person of this earth with gifts and abilities unique only to you. stay positive, and remember that you are a beautiful person. jamie.
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 9/29/2009 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I go to bookstores and coffee shops and I never get approached or meet anyone there. I never really meet anyone anywhere except what I said about ASU but once class is over, we never speak again. I personally don't like my journey it hasn't been very good. I have moments of good but most of it feels like a gigantic re run. I feel like I do have a time limit because I don't want to be alone period and I barely have friends now because everyone is coupling up and leaving me behind. I don't want to be the only one left when everyone is married with kids and forgets about me because life has already begun to do this........I only hear from people occasionally and even my roomate I live with prefers to seeing her boyfriend instead of me even though I live with her it doesn't feel like we are even friends I am just the intruder in her happily every after.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 9/29/2009 4:46 PM (GMT -7)   
If she felt like you were an intruder, she would ask you to leave. You are giong under assumptions. Stick to the basic facts here.

Things happen in their own time. Even if it doesn't seem like it to you. You really have to be patient. Because it will happen when you are least expecting it to. I really believe if you focus on what you are doing. Quit worrying about the things that you can do nothing about, that things will fall into place. But if you continue with the attitude that life is going to more or less suck, then it more or less will. It is what you make it. Lower your standards for happiness. Try to enjoy the little things. like walks and nature. The higher that you set your expectations, the more disappointed you are going to be. I have always kept life simple, and I have been happy for the most of it.

Sure I get depressed, but I try to shake it off and continue what I am doing. Take life one day at a time and try to stay in the moment. Good things come to those who wait. That is an old saying and it is true. So be patient, enjoy each day. Live in the moment. Things will work out for you.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 9/29/2009 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I have decided to move out from my friend's house so I can give him time alone with her boyfriend. I also decided that moving back home would give me a chance to same some money so I can finish college, get a new job and get my life together. I am also extremely depressed and lonely so I figured it would give me time with my family.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 9/29/2009 8:40 PM (GMT -7)   
This will be a good way to save money for your own place. So I think that you have made a good decision. And remember you have us to talk to.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 12/6/2009 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi it's me, I haven't been on in a while but I have moved back in to the house with my parents. I still have my depression...it's so hard for me to deal with problems I get so upset and cry with every little thing. I recently had to get my brake pads on my car fixed and then he told me other things like the calipers were sticking so he cleaned them and said he might have to fix them but said it would cost 200 dollars. He said that this could fix the problem but it doesn't seem to have fixed them and I just bought the brand new pads! I can't handle all these money problems I am already behind enough as it is, this makes me want to cry so much and just want to give up. I can't handle the responsibility of being a grown up! I can never make enough money, I can't even live on my own, I can't find someone to be with. Plus I have a horrible sinus infection that won't go away. I feel like I should just cut my losses and be done with it

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 12/6/2009 10:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Don't give up DG,

This is just a part of life, it isn't the problem but how you face it. Take it head on. Maybe you need your brakes adjusted again. I would check into it. Things will get easier, and some days harder, just take it one day at a time. You will start to catch up, maybe something else will go wrong on the way, but just take it as it comes. And go with it. Keep posting, maybe somebody will know how to fix your brakes. That happens, somebody told me what was wrong with my computer. I needed ram. I finally ordered it, now I have to put it in, without messing up my computer. Wish me luck.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


DisneyGirl7782
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 1/3/2010 9:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey the New Year was horrible! I went to a party for my friend because it was real important to her that I try to get reaquainted with Eric (who was my ex fiance and now her boyfriend). They got into a fight because he always avoided me and my former roommate, she told him that we were over the whole fight and break up and that he wasn't. I figured I would play like I was and show I was big enough to go to that party and I would be ok, so I went to the party. When I got there it was my ex, his two best friends and that was it, there was my old life right in front of me. I sat and watched them play video games like I use to when I dated him. They all ignored me , I was like the object in the room that was looming that everyone know was there but no one wanted to acknowledge me. My friend asked me a couple of times to come and play video games with them but it was my ex and his friends, I am still not over him plus I never got along with his friends even while we were dating. I realized I couldn't do it and I left, I feel horrible like I couldn't put all the effort into I should have. I know I let her down and made her uncomfortable because know she knows I lied and I am not over him. The worst part about this is he looked really good, its been almost six years why can't I move past this?

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 1/4/2010 4:37 AM (GMT -7)   
because it is going to hurt. but that hurt will fade. life is a journey, he was on the ride, now his is not. people come and go, and in all contexts, sadly this sought of pain really stings, and i does so-so you do not get stung again. all the best. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

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