Seemingly unable to escape my depression...

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ConfusedDenizen
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 9/29/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all,

I'm a successful 25 year old male writer, which has its perils, such as a deeply idealized view of reality and an intensely romantic/traditional attitude toward life and romance. For example, the very notion of sex being divorced from love makes me uncomfortable and a bit queasy. Ironically, I've suffered from a complete lack of success in my romantic life and am still a virgin(a thought which bothers me deeply), probably due to a combination of fairly intense shyness and deep lack of self-esteem in my appearance(I'm not overweight, but am Asian, which is rarely seen as attractive in a male).

With the lack of any real world success, I turned online for the last several years of my life since I was in college for any chance at romance. My reasoning was that since my appearance was much less evident and my apparently talent with writing might open opportunities. Being a believer that friendship was the first component of any romantic relationship, I often found myself becoming interested in female friends that I had made.

I had some success, though nothing ever became actual reality and I often faced the same issue in real life - girls would lose all interest in me if they saw who I looked. Since many of those I had already grown close to, the scars of rejection began to accumulate on me. Once or twice, girls would claim to have fallen in love with me and exhibit what seemed like love-like behavior(obsessively looking to talk to me, etc), then rapidly reverse after knowing what I looked like. Since I genuinely believed assertations of love, I was left heartbroken.

Still, I persevered in the belief that one of these days I would meet someone who worked well enough to make everything that had happened to me worth it. This finally appeared to come true when I met a girl named Sharon, who did not disapprove of how I looked. She also then claimed to love me, especially as I was essentially nursing her through a difficult rehab from her drug/alcohol/cigarette addictions. She said that she was looking for a rescuer, and when I began to treat her with constant gentleness and care, she began demanding I spend every night online with her. She wanted me to call her, she wanted to leave messages while I was at work, she was jealous and hurt if I even talked to any other woman...etc. All of that, I felt, meant that she was actually interested in me. She also said she was interested in me and demanded that I webcam with her. She also suggested that we meet.

Because of my previous scars, I was very hesitant in allowing her close into my life. Admittedly, I did not call her(ashamed of my accent), and didn't let her call me. Otherwise and online, though, I gave her constant attention and essentially began neglecting much of my life to be there for her. I figure it was all worth it, though, as I finally had a girl who loved me(usually because I was rescuing them emotionally from bad situations). I was also genuinely happy with the attention, for around three months, which us talking late into the night every night.

And then, she went on vacation one day. She told me that she would email me as soon as she landed, etc. She didn't.

When she came back, she began telling me all about this crush she had, from meeting someone on the vacation(someone better looking than I was). I gently mentioned that I was jealous. She...essentially stopped talking to me completely. Her interactions with me began to become abusive. I was becoming desperate to understand, and she never gave a clear answer, although she claimed she wasn't "replacing me." Then she said that she was reducing the online component of her life - but I saw her still spending as much time online, just not with me. When I tried to talk to her, she began accusing me of being invasive. When I told her that I cared for her, she told me that I was controlling. When I asked her what had happened, she told me that "things change." She also kept changing medications, which kept changing her mood. In the end, she basically stopped talking to me entirely.

To say that I was heartbroken about this is putting it lightly. I still don't know what happened. I feel horribly betrayed by life now, since I had played the role of a rescuer, but...she didn't love me for it? Nobody loves the rescuer in the long run? My caring is invasive? Is it wrong to love, or in this case, even love back? Is it wrong to try to communicate? She said she had to love herself, that her therapist told her to do so. Therefore, utterly selfish and hurtful behavior is correct?

I've...kinda fallen into a pit since then, which has been over two months. My entire ability to comprehend life has been shaken. I've begun to suspect that I am insane for being willing to help people, that "normal" people "love themselves" and therefore do not help others. I began to feel that I am somehow...wrong and harmful and evil, but I know that I only wanted to care and cherish a girl who, at that time, nobody else seemed to treat well? And she showed me such intensity - wouldn't it be a cooling off, not an abrupt shut off?

I feel broken and very, very old. I feel like I've wasted my entire time, and my life. I feel like everything of my soul: my personality, or my kindness or anything, is worthless and that all that matters is one's appearance. Therefore, if that's true, then I have no chance whatsoever anyway. I shouldn't exist. But that can't be true.

Deep down inside, I grasp at my writer's craft and constantly plunge into considerations of fantasy and hope and meaning, while my reality seems to mock everything that I've penned. And the worst part is that...the fantasy seems to have some form of logic(people appreciate good people and good works?), but reality seems to reward spastic electric meaninglessness(people are randomly selfish, hurt others for no reason and no personal gain, and give up themselves to love for nothing more than shallow moments).

I can't get out. Depression doesn't quite cut it. I feel like I don't belong in this life and world.

ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 9/29/2009 5:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I admit that I'm deeply fond of "rules" so that might be part of it.

Up to this point, I had believed that good intentions and good people are ultimately rewarded. Now it seems that only good looks are, and therefore, I don't belong. That would make my world make sense again, with new rules, even if excludes me from existing.

ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 9/29/2009 5:59 PM (GMT -7)   
And the worst part is that this has left me with a deep dislike of both therapy as well as medication. From what I see, her psychological medications only turned her into a monster who was perfectly capable of hurting people while popping happy pills. And her therapist told her to hurt anyone she wanted, if it made her happy. It seems like an ugly system of healing, even if I do acknowledge her own difficult life.

Truth be told, the sheer pain I've felt has...shamefully, turned me into someone who's been rather desireous to hurt someone else in the same way. This is not what I want. I don't want to become an abuser as well. But..the pain does become anger.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 9/29/2009 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
You sound very angry. But as I recall, you didn't want to get close. You didn't want to be together in person. It sounds like you closed a door that she tried to open, so she went elsewhere. Now you are angry. If you loved her, you would do what makes her happy. And she is more happy to have you as a friend now.

Getting angry at the world and hurting other people isn't good. Things just didn't work out this time, but you got farther into a relationship than you have so you have accomplished something. You had happy times with her and that is what you should be thankful for in life. Good memories. Forget about the bad.

Life does go on and you need to learn to roll with the punches. Meet somebody new, but learn to like yourself first. You lack self love, you are worried about your apperance. Different people like different things. So when they say that beauty is only skin deep, they are right. Besides you might meet somebody that really clicks with you in the future.

I see you are angry with the thought of medication and therapy. Is that because with that she moved on with her life? It sounds like you are angry with the whole aspect of depression. But I think you should either get some counseling or read some books and learn about it. It sounds like you are depressed with your life's situation, but with a little understanding, I think that you could easily get through it. You are more angry than anything right now. So learn. It would really help you a lot right now.

Best wishes,

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 9/29/2009 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Actually, she cut off virtually all contact afterward. I'm angry with the thought of medication because it felt like her personality changed - rather than a reasoned sense of responsibility or guilt, she pretty much seemed *happy* at all times, simply because she could turn to her pills for any support. Previously, she needed people. I can't help but think that chemical replacements for people are rather sad and pathetic as a concept.

And I suppose the very idea of "moving on" has always been disturbing to me as a concept. I've personally never cut off anyone from my life, especially not someone who've I've considered a friend. The idea that this is "normal" seems to be rather modern concept, and well, an uncomfortable one by me.

Post Edited (ConfusedDenizen) : 9/29/2009 8:57:44 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 9/29/2009 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Evidenlty she was depressed before she took the medication. She was needy. Now she has become her own person and she has rights to make decisions. This where I think that you two were codependant on eachother and that is not healthy to either one of you. I think medication and counseling would help you to be in a better place also.

What you are saying is you were happy when she was weak and needy. That isn't love. IF you love her you want her to be strong and independant. You should be happy that she has gotten on with her life and now it is time for you to get on with yours.

So get to know yourself. Learn to like yourself. You should be able to be happy whether anybody is involved in your life or not. So I truly recommend counseling. You need to want to be happy. Without anybody in a relationship. That is what is healthy.

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 9/29/2009 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hmm. So, presumably, if medication could provide a constant level of artificial happiness, then it would be a positive thing?

I do understand what you're saying - but I object on a philosophical level on the notion of "strength and independence." I admit that this is contentious, but I do come from a background of being a writer, and thus, an adherent to a more idealized and romanticized world. Nonetheless, I believe that art can be instructive of reality.

The independent thing for me to have done, back then, was to rationally keep her even more at arm's length - I'm almost certain her "recovery" would have been even worse delayed, if that was the case. Not to mention, it would have been a cruel and heartless thing. It would hardly be morally right. If someone is faltering on the side of the road, its morally right to pick them up. If I hurt someone by accident, the morally right thing would be for me to make amends for it. I may not /want/ to confront my past mistakes(and the many of them I've made), but I've always committed myself to confronting them anyways. It would be the honorable thing, which is far more important, I feel, than my ego or present emotional health.

I feel that independence has become, essentially, a blank check to do whatever one wishes. The idea of a social contract or even of mutual giving is pretty frankly violated by it; it seems to have been taken that one is allowed to be selfish, uncaring, and irresponsible and that such behavior is admirable, and that the most important thing is "protecting oneself", or in other ways, preserving one's happiness. So, if taken to a logical extreme, there's absolutely nothing wrong with letting others starve so one can eat a bit more, or letting someone die on the street because one is icked out by blood.

Its...ugly. I'm almost certain that we, as human beings, evolved with such genes of dependency because we were supposed to exist in connected groups where there would be consequences for selfish behavior. And modern society, I think, has increasingly removed us from connection in groups, and at this point, is telling us that even /feeling bad/ for being selfish is wrong - so here's a pill to take to "fix that."

I'm not trying to be that argumentative, but...what is the beauty in independence? Where is the sense of faith in another? Where is the wonder and mystery, and the idea of hope? It is, at best, reliance on oneself and one's own perceptions above all else. And its well known that we are horrible at self-perception.

It just seems to encourage a world of self-seeking individuals easily capable of careless cruelty, using chemical stimulants to remove every aspect of the soul, and blissfully driven by oblivious short-sighted whims.

I've dedicated my life to the saying that "If there's nothing that a man is willing to die for, then he has no reason to live." By that very statement, I commit myself to being willing to give up my life for a higher ideal. My life is more valuable than my happiness, therefore, I'm willing to give up my happiness for an ideal.

"Independence" seems to be the antithesis to that. It encourages self-happiness, even at a cost to others and at a willingness to give up on ideals. If that's what therapy is going to give me, then...it would be destroying my reason to live.

PS: The reason why I object to her medication this much is that she /was/ on medication when she fell in love with me. Then she went off medication, and "went insane", or became a chillingly negative individual. Then she was put on different medication, and became a different person. Was I loving a person, or a puppet of ingested chemical cocktails? I've gone from being incredibly depressed to having a successful career and life(if not a lovelife) - and did it just fine without drugs. Having to deal with the lows of my life forced me to understand myself; if those pits were removed, I wouldn't have grown.

PPS: I was, in fact, put on Zoloft once. I disliked its effect immeasureably - it made me happy, yes, but it also made me incredibly irresponsible. I stopped doing anything that I thought might be "unpleasant", for one. It also removed my ability to write, as it felt like it dampened my emotional resonance. Admittedly, writers have one of the highest suicide rates of any career. But writing is something of the soul and of cosmic art; the drugs seem to serve immediately by crushing and destroying that. That seems to be as horrible as a violation of the human being as any physical amputation might be.

Post Edited (ConfusedDenizen) : 9/29/2009 10:17:30 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/2/2009 8:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Admin said that we would lose a few recent posts and I beleive we did on this thread. As I recall it was coming along well with posts from Rotting and ConfusedDenizen. Let's try to pick up where we left off.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Rotting
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/2/2009 11:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Ya it seems that everything my account posted got ereased.
Really sucked it being down and all but i'm glad it's bakc up now :)

ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/3/2009 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
We were actually in chat the other day when the entire forum/chat borked on us. So rather amusing. I'll be floating about in chat.

I'm vaguely amused that all my giant posts got preserved.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/3/2009 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that you were in chat. I was thinking of picking a day for all of us to go in. It is a lot of fun. I feel bad that we lost so much of this thread, but happy that everybody is still posting. And that we are back on line.

Denizen, you sound so much better and I am so happy for that. Glad that you are happy with the forum.

And Rotten, I still can't get use to your name, but if you are happy with it, that is what matters. Keep posting. I am glad that you have joined us. You are a special individual.
 
Sometimes Chat will boot you out, but you just sign back in.  It is famous for doing that.  Have patience with it...

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Rotting
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/4/2009 5:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Ya heh it's awesome when you acutally find someone in there, doens't happen often though, and no the chat didn't jsut boot us out it totally shut down

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/4/2009 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Yeah,

I think that was when the forum was having problems. Hopefully it wont happen again anytime soon.

I was thinking of picking a day where we could all chat together. I don't know if I have to schedule it, or just pick one day and hopefully every body will join in.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Rotting
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/4/2009 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
probably posst it up a day ahead or two on a weekday night or something of course we all have different time zones

ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/4/2009 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   
So Sharon called a few days ago, late at night, and said that she would be online on that day after that night so we could talk more - and we talked for about an hour on the phone, so it almost seemed like we could be civil again. Well, we were civil. And then, she vanishes again; isn't online like she said she would be.

Its immensely frustrating. This was someone who used to want to spend almost every second she could with me, and now she can't seem to keep her own word. And she does this over and over and over again. Its almost as if she's reverted to a purely childish state/

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/4/2009 9:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Well now you have learned not to wait for her to contact you. Even when she says she is going to. So it is up to you whether or not you want to let it get to you. I would just take her with a grain of salt. Don't depend on her for anything. If she contacts you and you feel like talking, talk. If not, tell her that you are busy. There is nothing you can do to change the type of person she has become. So realize that and accept her for who she is. Or not. The ball is truly in your court. You make the calls. Atleast with your own decisions.

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Rotting
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/6/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   
This allsounds too oddly familiar. But i really tink someone like that, isn't worth waiting around for. She obviousl can't make up her ind, and i think yoou deserve someone better. of course that's easier said and done, but i think it's something people would refer to as self respect you know, but ya. of course it's all up to you, but either choice i hope it ends up well for you :)

ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/7/2009 10:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I think that the main reason that I let people keep doing this to me is that I haven't forgiven myself for hurting someone a long, long time ago. Its such a stupid thing, really. But I felt so guilty about it and ultimately, despite everything that kept on happening ...I think part of me felt like I kept deserving it.
 
So, maybe I do blame myself for everything. And when I wrote about that and confronted that, I feel like I had something of a breakthrough. Cried for the first time in perhaps a decade, really. Its nice...finally discovering what was hurting in all of me.
 
Anyway, Rotting, how's it going yourself?
 
PS: Feel free to contact me via email - I haven't been checking this forum as often due to yet another tragedy - one of the luminaries of my writer's guild committed suicide. With greatness does come great pain, it seems. Poor guy.

Post Edited (ConfusedDenizen) : 10/7/2009 12:05:36 PM (GMT-6)


Rotting
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/7/2009 6:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Aw, well if that's hte reaons why atleats you knwo why and cna start working on it hopefully.

And life's crapty as usual, alot of sutff has been happening, but i dunno haven't been up to posting it up, it's always hard ot explain and jsut fustrates me when i feel i cna't explain things like that correctly.

Sure ^.^ I'll e-mail you sometime, and i'm sorry about your friend (or co-worker?) :(, never a happy thing to be one of the ones effected by someone commiting :(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/7/2009 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted to pop in and say hello.

It sounds like you may have had a breakthrough. I hope that you are feeling better.

Rotting, I hope that you are feeling better too. Remember you are not burdening us if you talk about your problems.

Hugs to you both,

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Rotting
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/8/2009 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Karen, i have a question...

You guys have no section for this, but people on the chat have bene really supportive aout it, kinda and i wanted to make a psot about ti cause i need support right now. It's about ym eating disorder, i wanted to try and get better and i wanted to post ti but you guys don't have a section so i wante dyour oppinion, i probably shouldn't post it though i dunno, dilema =.=

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/8/2009 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rotting,

You could start a thread on eating disorders if you want. On the depression forum. Because it has a lot to do with depression and self image. I am sure that people with eating disorders are depressed. We just can't be too graphic about it with the bulemia part. Binging and purging. But other than that, I don't see why you couldn't start a thread, I don't know if there are a lot of people on the forum with this problem. But at one time there was. If you want to start a thread, we can just see where it goes.

We will just have to watch that it doesn' turn into something with a lot fo self harm.

Blessings to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/9/2009 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Arthurdep,

I wanted to welcome you to HealingWell and the depression forum.

This is a wonderful place to vent and let things out. Also to ask questions.

I hope you stick around and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Rotting
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/10/2009 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh i thought author was a spam bot O.o

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 10/10/2009 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe he is, and I misread the post. IDK... Couldn't undersand it.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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