feeling helpless

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Helpless in AB
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/7/2009 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi.  I am new to this but had to talk to someone.My husband is depressed.  He just started medication but it is becoming increasingly hard to be supportive.  He is continually accusing me of having an affair - something I have never nor will ever do.  I value my marriage vows but constant accusations are getting pretty hard to take.  (he did have an affair early on in our relationship)  He checks my phone, checks all incoming calls and if they don't give a name he accuses me of it being "my lover" even if it is one of our son's friends.  He says I don't try to understand.  I try talking to him, get him to eat, work on his truck, anything to get his mind working to the positive.  I was supposed to have knee replacement surgery a year ago but had to put it off because he quit going to work and I have to support the family which is next to impossible on just one income.  Even though my bad knee is almost twice the size it should be - he accuses me of making it up so I don't have to have sex with him.  He will not accept the fact that I need surgery and I am in constant pain.  I'm making it all up he says.  I am getting to the point of not being able to handle it any more.  He won't go for treatment - just medications.  He sits in his chair all day and doesn't eat unless I force him to when I get home from work.  I am getting very tired as I am not sleeping well with the stress.  Does anyone out there have any suggestions.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/7/2009 3:22:22 PM (GMT-6)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 10/7/2009 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah, need to tell him that his insecurities are false. need to tell him that the medication is not working. tough situation with a depressed hubby, a depressed anybody. is there a way to reach him via other means? writing, through a friend, etc. you can not go on in pain, both emotional and physical, not forgetting that he is in need of real help. maybe a call to your mental health centre will help, especially with the not eating unless you force him. my dear sounds very much like his depression is becoming resistant, thus if an intervention is not reached i feel he may need hospitalisation. if in need please contact your mental health team, or psychiatric triage team at your hospital. tell them everything you have said in this post. i wish you well. sorry i do not mean to frighten you, i just feel the situation is declining. my absolute compassion to you both. take care. i admire your courage in reaching out. jamie
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder

Helpless in AB
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/7/2009 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Tks for your post.  He just called to see what I did for lunch and to inform me that he will not be going to work again for at least a few months.  That leaves the whole burden on me and quite frankly - it can't be done.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 10/7/2009 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Helpless,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. And the accusations do not help. This could be coming from his past infidelities. Usually when somebody is like that, they project it onto their partner. My first husband was that way and it was because he was the one who was cheating. So he checked the phone and even in the driveway to see if there were any strange tracks coming in. It was torture. And I never once was unfaithful to him.

Your husband needs to bite the bullet and start helping you. You can't carry this burden all by yourself. He is sitting around all day while you are out working your tail off and having a bad knee on top of it. This is too much for you to carry.

Maybe it is time to have a talk with him. If he can't work, he needs to sign up for disability. I would suggest that you get counseling for yourself, you need the extra support. And hopefully the counselor could help you find some resources to help you.

Best wishes, Karen.

PS I am going to give your thread a name. You will get more responses that way.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ConfusedDenizen
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/7/2009 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Do you know what triggered his depression?Surely there was some event?

Learning2fly
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 10/7/2009 7:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Helpless, I'm sorry you are in such a mess. You really need to force his hand and get him help. You will crash and burn with all you are doing and the accusations. If you can't get him to get some help, get a friend, a family member, or anyone to talk to him and make him realize how unfair he is being to you. Obviously, he is pinning the cheating on you that he did years ago. You are between a rock and a hard place right now. You need to get out of there quickly! A counselor might be able to steer you in the right direction of how best to handle your husband. There are crisis lines open 24/7 and you are definitely crisis material. Good luck to you!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 10/8/2009 5:14 PM (GMT -7)   
I believe that your husband is being very unfair to you. He probably is depressed. But like I said before, if you go to counseling, you will have somebody, who is impartial, to help you find what you should do.

Keep posting as we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/9/2009 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   
hello i also believe that ur husband is not depressed as what ur describing is a man that is a control freak,is totally dependant on u and also because of his guilt from the past all he's doing is laying all the blame onto you and u dont deserve that. I would put it to hime that he has some kind of councelling,so he can deal with what he's done to you and not you to him. sorry but he is not depressed.
hope it all works out for you. best wishes. rose-bud40
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!

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