I dont think I matter anymore...

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TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 10/8/2009 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
I need to talk to someone...but my friend I go to doesnt have a cell right now so I have no way of talking to her. I tried talking to my gf but shes not helping much....
 
Today has been the worst day ever. I found out something and Im not sure I am capable of even talking about it. Its not 100%...... but I found out this girl down the street COULD be pregnant..... and if so... MY little brother could be the father. He's 14.... I have been in shock ever since... Her parents say she is, she says she doesnt know... so its not for sure yet, but I cant help but freak out completely. Being the good sister that I am, I went to talk to him about it. I did a good job, at least I thought so.... he denies everything. And I should trust him, he's my brother and I love him... but he lies ALOT. And he acted different.... I could tell something was up. But at the same time, if its true that he slept with her, I hate that he doesnt trust me enough to be honest with me. So, I feel like a failure either way....
 
Today has been a total mess.... I messed up my docs appt... I had to go back when it actually was... and then I saw a different nurse than usual. And since I didnt take my trazadone last night I have been bland, quiet, shaky, and distracted today. So, she was kind of all over me about not talking to her....and I couldnt stop shaking when she was taking my pulse...etc.. I couldnt pay ANY attention AT ALL to my english teacher.
 
I walked 4 miles at the park today because I needed to get away and just think. But all I could think was that something is really wrong with me. That I am so much different than "normal" people. I notice so much around me but cant pay attention to important things. I see details that most people dont... I notice everything.... its really weird.. I dont know. But I just kept walking and walking and walking. I couldnt stop going. My legs were hurting SO bad and I still kept walking. I was just looking back and forth and up and down and all around at the trees, water, squirrels, frogs, pumpkins, EVERYTHING. I just feel like there is something REALLY wrong with me... Like all of this just keeps getting worse..
 
I go to my therapist tomorrow. I am skipping class. I havent done any of my work because I cant focus AT ALL... my mind wont stop.... Im freaked out and worried...and cant stop crying. I feel like I dont matter at all. Like I tried to talk to my brother and he didnt care. I take care of my friend and her baby thats on the way. I try to do so much for others and I feel like I get nothing in return. Like Im just useless and I dont matter.
 
I was offered to ride dirtbikes today. My favorite thing in the ENTIRE world. Normally I would have to be forced to get off and stop riding.....today I couldnt even stop thinking enough to enjoy it... I got right back off and no one had to make me... thats how bad it is... anyone that knows me will tell you something is really wrong with me if I give up a chance to ride.
 
Anyways.... I dont know what anyone can do to help me... but I just had to talk to someone.... Im so tired of this back and forth all the time. Its like being teased... Im happy and fine a while then BAM. Its back... I feel like Im just being teased with happiness.... If that makes sense. I better go, this is really long so........
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 10/8/2009 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

Don't take what your brother did personally. He could be in denial about the whole thing. And just because he didn't want to talk doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Remember there were times that you didn't want to talk to anybody. So put yourself in his shoes.

As for giving and not getting back. You should try not to look at it that way. You give because you want to give. Not because you expect something back. And if it makes you that unhappy. Don't do so much for others.

What about your adderall? I thought that you would get that today. That is what you need to focus. So I would be getting after the doctor about that. Tell him you cannot focus on anything and that it is hurting you in school. I am sure that he will help you.

I think that you just had an off kilter day. That happens once in a while. You will get through this. I know that you will. I wish that you could have gotten that medication that was suppose to help you. I wish that it wasn't so expensive.

Just try to focus on things. Don't worry so much. Things will work out the way that they are suppose to. Relax, meditate. Get a good nights sleep and then hopefully tomorrow will be another day.

Did you ask the doctor or nurse about the one that makes you sleep? Are you suppose to take it every night? You should find those things out.

Take care, I hope that you feel better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 10/8/2009 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi.
 
Hi sweetie.  The first thing I can think of to say is, I'd like to you stop a minute and force yourself a take a really deep breath and then let it out.  You should really do this three to four times in attempt to try to slow your brain and anxiety down.  Second, I want you to know how much you really do matter.  I know that I am just one member on here at the moment, but I can absolutely tell you that you matter to every single one of us on this depression board.  Over the past couple of years we have literally watched you blossom into a wonderful, bright and sensitive young adult.  You have laid out all your thoughts and feelings and fears and you have slowly fought back and overcome many of them.  And along the way you took the time to help us deal with our thoughts and fears as well. 
 
Second, as you have always had a close relationship with your brother (as you have guided and nurtured him while dealing with your own parents limitations) I believe that you still matter to him very much right now.  And just because he has not yet confided to you and has temporarily turned away - you should not feel that his feelings for you have changed.  He is probably feeling many things at once right now.  I imagine that he must be extremely scared to start off.  Second, maybe he could feel that he has let you down in some way and is embarrassed or even fearful to talk to you.  Or perhaps he has just shut down inside as a coping mechanism.  Maybe if he doesn't feel it or acknowledge it to himself it won't be real and it will go away. 
 
I can see and understand why you would start to blame yourself for him possibly ending up in these circumstances.  I know how hard you worked to shield your brother from many of the experiences and feelings that you have had.  But you need to remember that he will ultimately still make his own decisions and two - you have also been carrying a lot of your parents responsibilities.  While you are quite wise beyond your years you need to realize that you are still in your teens and are still growing and learning.  I don't think it would have been humanly possible to fully prepare him for every life challenge out there.  That is still the ultimate responsibility of your parents.
 
If your brother doesn't feel like talking right now maybe you can help him in another way.  I realize that you are away at school right now.  And if I am remembering correctly, I don't believe you had any family friends or relatives that you could call on to help.  Who did you yourself talk to from school when you needed help?  Was it a guidance counselor or a favorite teacher that you felt close to?  Could you call or e-mail these trusted individual(s) and ask them to help with/and look after your brother?  Ultimately your parents will need to be told but this way your brother could have an automatic support system set up.  And you also need to keep remembering that neither he nor you is absolutely positive that his girlfriend is really pregnant and that he is definately the father.
 
Last, boy do I understand what you mean in wanting to be and feel normal.  We surely do feel a lot of mental and physical pain from our disorder or illness. I often get so tired and down because life always seems to be like a struggle.  But the one thing that I have learned from my own experiences and those of many other members on this site is, in some ways our illness and struggles make us better and even more special people.  You mentioned that you see all the little details in life that others never even notice.  That in itself is a very good thing.  I believe it makes us each a better person.  We are more considerate and in tune with others and thus can be very caring and loyal friends.  We have a stronger ability to sense when something is just not right and for me that has sometimes provided me with the ability to prevent an incident from getting worse or to accept the worse before it arrives.  I feel that by noticing these little details we can become more adaptable to life and its many changes.   And the ability to notice and perhaps change or accept things will ultimately make us stronger individuals.   So perhaps we need to rethink or find a better definition for normal and not be so hard on ourselves all the time.
 
I sure can see how and why you are overwhelmed right now.  Perhaps just for the next couple of days you should make a list each night of the top 2 or 3 most important things you need to get done.  And although you do love helping other people it sounds like right now you need to step back and focus on how to help yourself -- so you can better deal with all the turmoil around you.
 
Please find a way to keep posting.  We all care about you here and want nothing but the best for you.  I'll keep you and your brother in my prayers.  Just remember that you are NOT alone and you are very much loved and cared about!!!
 
Cass
 
 

Post Edited (CassandraLee) : 10/8/2009 10:47:08 PM (GMT-6)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 10/8/2009 10:48 PM (GMT -7)   
yeah christim makes sense. it is called dissasociation. you are disassociating. me i would end up 80km away, and after a bit i would think how the hell did i end up here! you can also dissociate in your own house, environment etc. done it many times. a talk with your doc can really help. you are a worthwhile human being of this. and i and we all care. with compassion. jamie

Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 10/9/2009 3:07 AM (GMT -7)   
CassandraLee said...
 
Last, boy do I understand what you mean in wanting to be and feel normal.  We surely do feel a lot of mental and physical pain from our disorder or illness. I often get so tired and down because life always seems to be like a struggle.  But the one thing that I have learned from my own experiences and those of many other members on this site is, in some ways our illness and struggles make us better and even more special people.  You mentioned that you see all the little details in life that others never even notice.  That in itself is a very good thing. 
 
I believe it makes us each a better person.  We are more considerate and in tune with others and thus can be very caring and loyal friends.  We have a stronger ability to sense when something is just not right and for me that has sometimes provided me with the ability to prevent an incident from getting worse or to accept the worse before it arrives.  I feel that by noticing these little details we can become more adaptable to life and its many changes.   And the ability to notice and perhaps change or accept things will ultimately make us stronger individuals.   So perhaps we need to rethink or find a better definition for normal and not be so hard on ourselves all the time.
 
Cass
 
 
Applause! yeah
Beautifully said Cass, so true and so from the heart. Thankyou for explaining it that way- I believe these trials ultimately make us stronger, better people also.
 
Maz XX
 Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
" Why does society view illness as weakness?" (Montell Jordan)
 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
-DX:Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Seasonal Depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ, Endometriosis,PCOS, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania,
OCD, GERD, IBS.
-Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Prescription pain meds/anti inflammatories.
-Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
-Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14.
 
 


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 10/9/2009 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks guys! I feel better just reading what each of you wrote. And Cass, beautifully written!

I do know that he has to be scared. He claims he did nothing, but I honestly cant put those actions past him. I told him it didnt matter to me what he did or did not do with her and that I wasnt mad or upset with him that I just wanted to help and that its a very important situation. He lied about dating her when I asked a few days ago. Last night I said you dumped her didnt you. And he said yes. But I can tell when there is something going on with him. He has a VERY distinct personality and way of dealing with different things. So, I can always tell. He has twitches, and facial expressions, and different reactions... I can always tell.

I know he has to be scared. If they did do something and she really is pregnant than that is going to change all of life for them. I feel comfortable asking the right questions to others(although I dont always like people asking me things lol) But I asked her specifically, if she is... is it my brothers for sure. She said yes, she hadn't been with anyone else. Im really worried about it. She wants to keep it. I gave her some options to think about because I know my mom would do an open adoption with her if she wanted so that she could be in its life. BTW, she lives 2 houses down. She never has lived in the best situation or environment for a child.

But, I tried to guide her into thinking about all of this once she is positive. And that when that time comes, if it does, then she needs to talk about what is best for the baby. I just told her if she needed anything or needed to talk I would be there for her...

Its true, I am very overwhelmed with school and homework and everything in my life. I pay attention to every little thing, therefore every thing overwhelms me. I think I do disassociate from the real world alot of the time... Im always in my own world, especially when something like what happened yesterday happens. A lot the time I just feel like I HAVE to do that.. I cant deal with being in this world and I need to get away and go to my own place or whatever. Its a stange feeling when I do that.... but somehow it feels better than being in reality.

Adderall- I didnt get it yesterday because the nurse needed to talk to my doctor first and he is off until Tuesday. She said she would talk to another doctor and try to see if they would approve the switch but it may not be until Tuesday when my doc comes back that I can get it.... And yes, I asked the nurse about the trazadone... she said to take it everyday at the same time. No matter what. Thats what makes me so shaky etc the next day when I dont take it the night before. Plus, it also helps depression etc so I figure taking it may help that improve also.

Well, I am skipping my first class today. I just need a break, Chemistry really gets to me. I can never pay attention and I couldnt do my work I needed to have done today for it so.... Im just looking forward to talking to my therapist today. Anyways, I do feel better reading what you all wrote. and I really really appreciate it, very much. thank you guys, i know i can always count on yall.. :)
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 10/9/2009 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

We are always here for you. I am glad that you come here to talk about things. Remember you can always email me too if you feel like it.

You are going through a lot, in and out of school. I can understand about going to that place that relieves your mind. I think that is okay. You need to give your brain a break once in a while.

I hope that you get your adderall, I think that it will really help you to focus on things.

You have come a long way in a short period of time. You should be proud of yourself.

I hope that your brother's situation works out. You are right, this could really change their lives. I am glad that your mom takes in children. That is such a kind thing to do.

Take care my friend and know that I am always here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9622
   Posted 10/9/2009 12:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, I agree with Karen we are here for you, try not too keep so much bottled in,
try not to let your brother's situation get to you, he might not be the father and the girl could be lying,
This girl seemed unsure, so for now defend your brother, after the baby comes then
testing can be done to find out who the real father is..and just try to take one day at a time..
Lots of soft hugz for now...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Christi)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
keep us posted, we care....
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Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 10/9/2009 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Thinking of you, i know its tough balancing school with feeling awful- healing vibes your way and better days ahead-

Take care and keep posting (((((((Christie))))))))

Maz XX

 

P.S You matter now. You have always mattered in the past and you will matter in the future. One day at a time.



 Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
" Why does society view illness as weakness?" (Montell Jordan)
 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
-DX:Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Seasonal Depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ, Endometriosis,PCOS, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania,
OCD, GERD, IBS.
-Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Prescription pain meds/anti inflammatories.
-Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
-Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14.
 
 


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 10/9/2009 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi - Just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you all day too.  I hope your appointment with your therapist went well.  And at least this is a long holiday weekend so you can take some time to take care of yourself.  Please keep posting and let us know how your doing.
 
Cass

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 10/10/2009 3:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I thought yesterday was better than the day before, but I'd had a complete bad week regardless.....
 
I feel really down today.. and pretty sad. Im not totally sure why. I just dont seem to care. Im not paying any attention to anyone around me. My parents are both bickering and my brother and sister as well and Im just very tired of listening to it all. I have resorted back to my internet addiction and escape from reality. If it was nice outside instead of wet & rainy, I would find somewhere nice to just sit.... and stay there for as long as possible.
 
What I really want is to just be asleep or something, anything. Im just so tired of everything... I do have a long weekend, but I made it longer because I skipped my classes on Friday. But, so far that hasnt helped me at all. I dont want to talk to anyone and yet everyone keeps talking to me... my mom is bickering at me about stuff and Im really not paying attention... I just dont care. I will get to things when I get to them. Im not usually like that... but I am today. I just havent been myself at all lately..... *sigh*
 
Im honestly not sure what to do right now. Im not me right now and I need to get away. Somehow..... I dont know how, but Im just very aggitated with reality right now and Im on the fence between reality and my own world.... I cant seem to step into either and its making me VERY frustrated..
 
This is one of those days when I daydream and try to remind myself what is important in my life and why I am needed. Its the same old list....but, its seems less important each time I have to think about it.
 
Just one of those....weeks.
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 10/11/2009 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,
I'm so sorry you're having such a stressful week & I totally get what you mean about feeling really down & useless. I've been feeling the same way lately. I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't get anything right. And it's nearly impossible to talk myself out of feeling that way. But we're all here for one another & you do matter. It was good to read that you were starting to have a little better day -- even if things have now again taken a turn for the worse (though I pray they turn back for the better again soon).

It is a reminder to me that life is not always like this. No one can be 100% all the time. Even famous people who are really successful have good years followed by bad ones. I guess it's just the way things are. But try to hang in there. Maybe try something new. If your current treatment plan isn't working, maybe it's time to talk about making changes. Though I wonder if maybe missing your meds that one day didn't somehow throw everything off -- I know that happens to me a lot: I miss one day & the next 2 weeks are awful.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you matter very much to me & a lot of other people here. Keep fighting against the depression. You are so valuable & life will not always be like it is today. :)


hugs,
Frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 10/11/2009 9:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

That was lovely. You word things so well. And it is obvious that it comes from the heart.

Tennis,

I hope that you are having a better day. I owe you an email, I had to work again today, but will catch up with you here soon.

Hugs To everybody

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 10/11/2009 11:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Just when I begin to think that the worst is over....... it just keeps coming at me...

I have a facebook okay... so I can keep in touch with people from school, teachers, family, friends who have moved, etc.. I was updating today and adding some knew people. Including my high school English teacher. She and I were quite close. Shes the one that let me skip doing my speech in front of the class because of my anxiety. Okay so.... I requested her as a friend and I recieved a message back from her saying she loved me and wishes me the best, BUT she doesnt feel comfortable associating with me. That we should only catch up when we see each other(which is never of course).... She denied my friendship and refuses to associate with me because Im gay. Simple as that. She said it in a nicer way to me I assume because of our past. She was one of my favorites and one of the smartest, nicest people I've ever known.

I laughed some at first but it really hit me. This has happened before and I should be used to it, ya know. But, its impossible to get used to it and just let it pass. Things seem to get to me even more than "normal" people... ya know.

I respect her. But, at the same time theres so much I wish I could say to her. Including all that I deal with other than that and how what she said really REALLY upset me.

I've been so sick of everything in and around my life and that just makes it even worse. Its just a reminder of that aspect of my life and what I face dealing with that as well... as if living with a mental/physical disorders werent enough ya know... More and more.... I dont want to deal with any of it... I hate feeling like I am on the fence between staying strong and giving up...... Because I always lean toward giving up. Yet, I am forced to stay strong. Either way, Im not happy at all.

Does anyone have anything cheerful.. any encouragement... anything at all.... to help me stop crying and freaking out and being so depressed and everything.... I would appreciate anything.... I need a group hug lol.... Im not feeling very loved, or important, or useful, or anything.... Im simply taking up space.
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Rozerem, Melatonin, Currently taking: Prozac 40mg (July 09), Trazadone 50mg (Sept 09)-Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 10/12/2009 1:24 AM (GMT -7)   
HUGS, LOVE AND COMPASSION TO YOU. each new day is a new day. may you find peace and harmony, you are a beautiful person of this world, with gifts and talents unique to only you. it will pass, as all things pass. i faith in you, and you need to have faith in you. life is a work in progress, progress is always being made. here on hw you are progressing, remember we are all works in progress, and each of us are at different stages. keep workin' on you and life will via the universe plot a course for you. life is a journey, let it take you on your journey to happiness. this is my special wish for you. have faith in you. i do. be kind to you. with loving and healing compassion. jamie.

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/12/2009 5:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi *hugs*

I hope your feeling better than when you wrote your message. Try and see it as your teachers loss that she doesn't get to have a great person like you in her life. She is the one who's missing out.

I guess sitting on the fence is a difficult place to be, but I also guess it is better than some of the alternatives! And you are loved, important and useful. Every person is! You write so well and your so intelligent, how could that not be important or useful?!
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 10/12/2009 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,
Are you really sure that's why your former teacher didn't friend you? I used to teach & had the same issue with some of my students wanting to keep in constant contact with me after they graduated. I cared very, very much for my students and hoped for nothing but the best for their future, but honestly, it was too much to keep up with them after graduation. They would still ask me for advice, send me papers hoping I would correct them, send me questions, etc. I needed some time & space to myself and had my hands very full just with communicating with my current students. Plus, I wouldn't ever "friend" a student for two reasons: 1) I want my personal information and list of friends kept private and 2) that can cause the appearance of impropriety and put a teacher's license at risk. I have known one teacher personally who ended up getting suspended for a couple of months because a former student printed out her facebook page & shared it with a current student (they were siblings & only a year or two apart). It got around school & had some negative comments about the school & some personnel -- because she was having a bad day and assumed that it was a private conversation.

So I just want to encourage you that things may not be as they seem. She may have genuinely meant what she said. I have run into students in the stores, at alumni events and sometimes they do schedule a day with the principal to come back to the school to visit. But, you are right that it will not be a frequent event.

In any case, I do hope you won't let one person determine your happiness. There are so many wonderful caring people in the world. I know I had a favorite teacher in high school. I was so terrible at history, but she really helped make it make sense. But I still struggled with the class and she really was wonderful at talking me out of deep depression. When my first boyfriend was hospitalized for a whole school year due to an attempted OD, she was the one who talked to me and helped me make sense of things (I couldn't talk to my family b/c he was a different race & they weren't even okay with me seeing him). She was really a wonderful person and teacher & I was disappointed to not see her but maybe once a year, but my second year at the university, I found another phenomenal teacher and was very grateful for that. It was a sad day when he retired -- especially since I always did well in his classes, but life moved on and in graduate school I had a new favorite teacher. I don't say any of that to lessen all the benefits you gained from having such a wonderful English teacher. She helped you to grow as both a student and a person and that is very special. I just hope I can somehow encourage you to keep looking forward. There are so many wonderful things waiting for you in your future. Maybe things will be rough on you for a while. I hope not, but I don't know. But what I do know is that if you keep moving forward, better days are ahead.

I hope you have a better day today.

peace,
Frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 10/12/2009 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

I think Frances is right. I don't think that she didn't friend you because you are gay. I think it is more than that. Sometimes you have to keep that teacher /student relationship. So try not to take it personal. I am sure that she cares about you very much.

With that being said, I hope that you have a better day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 10/12/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   
TeNNiSd0C09 said...


I have a facebook okay... so I can keep in touch with people from school, teachers, family, friends who have moved, etc.. I was updating today and adding some knew people. Including my high school English teacher. She and I were quite close. Shes the one that let me skip doing my speech in front of the class because of my anxiety. Okay so.... I requested her as a friend and I recieved a message back from her saying she loved me and wishes me the best, BUT she doesnt feel comfortable associating with me. That we should only catch up when we see each other(which is never of course).... She denied my friendship and refuses to associate with me because Im gay. Simple as that. She said it in a nicer way to me I assume because of our past. She was one of my favorites and one of the smartest, nicest people I've ever known.
Hi Christie- Im a high school teacher and I have a strong bond with many of my older students, but when they try and add me on Facebook I legally (here in Australia) am not allowed to accept it as it is deemed 'inappropriate'.
 
I am sorry to hear that your teacher made it personal by making it about your sexuality. If you dont mind me asking, how did she word that? I bump into my students out and about and I always talk to them but I have no choice but to ignore/block them on FB according to the Department of Education.
 
I hope that made sense, Id love to have certain students on my FB and be able to chat like that but im simply not allowed, but I always make it clear to them that its not personal, that its a legal/professional situation.
 
Ive been thinking of you- and praying too. I hope you are feeling a little better each day, you are such an asset to us.
 
Maz XX
 Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
" Why does society view illness as weakness?" (Montell Jordan)
 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
-DX:Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Seasonal Depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ, Endometriosis,PCOS, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania,
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-Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Prescription pain meds/anti inflammatories.
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 10/12/2009 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

I am sure that it is like Maz said, and she isn't allowed to. I am sure that she thinks very highly of you nad that she genuinely cares about you.

Just like we do.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 10/13/2009 12:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Karen is right, truly Christie i dont feel its about you personally, unfortunately we live in a litigious society and teachers must protect themselves from any teacher/minor situations. Too many teachers have been burned over the years by people accusing them of stuff and so its both a natural defence mechanism to keep your work/professional life very separate from your personal life.

Its not that she doesnt like you or think less of you- I would seriously consider that she is adhering to the legal advice we teachers are given. I know you feel hurt and rejected, and its hard not to blur the lines as a teacher who gets on well with their students so for me personally i have a blanket ban on any social networking sites- FB, Myspace, Twitter- that stuff is kept away from my students. Doesnt mean I dont like them or think they are stupid- cos I dont. Just protecting myself as society dictates.

I hope this clarifies things for you- you honestly sound like such an awesome person- be well

Maz XX


 Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
" Why does society view illness as weakness?" (Montell Jordan)
 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
-DX:Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Seasonal Depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ, Endometriosis,PCOS, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania,
OCD, GERD, IBS.
-Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Prescription pain meds/anti inflammatories.
-Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
-Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14.
 
 


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 10/13/2009 4:45 AM (GMT -7)   
WE ALL MATTER!!!!!!!! smilewinkgrin tongue idea   WITH LOVING COMPASSION. JAMIE.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 10/13/2009 5:44 AM (GMT -7)   

Yes, you do matter.  And tell me what "normal" is? Everyone is unique!  If we were all alike, how boring. turn There are great people here that always listen.........what a wonderful support group.  I hope today finds you feelings a bit better about things.

 

Gem


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 10/13/2009 10:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Before this keeps going on I wanted to make a few points...

1) I have lots of teachers as friends on FB...high school teachers and college professors.
2) She has added other students who were in my class
3) She made it very clear she didnt want to associate with me because of my sexuality.

She emailed me back about it and so we talked a little. I emailed back explaining some things to her. Im not really mad at her, I really do respect and admire her very much and she probably the nicest person Ive ever met. She also agreed to even sit down with me and talk about it and why she disagrees etc.

I would never use any past teachers as  a way to help me with school now. I do like to show my appreciation for them. I wanted to tell her how good I was going and how my professors are impressed with my English abilities. I only wanted to thank her.

And one of you is right, I already have a favorite college professor and I do chat with her on FB occasionally about my school work... or I give her support and encouragement because her husband is away in Iraq so she gets down alot.

But anyways, I just want to put that whole FB thing behind me. Its not even important...

I have been so down lately. I just sit with my ear plugs in 24/7.... I have a huge headache that just keeps getting worse each day. And today something is very wrong. Im burning up, even though its cold out, Im sweating, I feel shaky.. and I just overall feel like something is very wrong... And Im not sure why. I took my meds yesterday like I was supposed to.. I also finally got my essay done, at the last moment.

Im ot sure whats going on with me anymore. Not even I can explain how I feel to myself. The nurse called this morning and I have an appt next week with her, and my pdoc is also going to attend so we can all talk. He wants to put me on a stimulant......

But anyways, I need to get to class....if I dont get up and walk out cause I feel so bad... Luckily its English so I can talk to my professor about whats going on... Thanks for everything


Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Rozerem, Melatonin, Currently taking: Prozac 40mg (July 09), Trazadone 50mg (Sept 09)-Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 10/13/2009 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,

I am glad that you and your teacher talked. And I am glad that you are seeing your pdoc soon. I think that the med will really help you. And I know that you will be careful with it. Try to take things as they come until then. I know this is difficult for you. It is a waiting game. But keep focusing on school until then. You have us all behind you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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