why are people so cruel when it comes to mental illness????

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damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/9/2009 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
cry  hi my name is Beverley and have suffered from chronic depression,panic disorder and ocd. this has been ongoing since i was 22yrs old and am now 41. my question is why are people that dont have depression or mental illness so darn cruel. i have had no support from any of my family for over 20 odd yrs and it's just getting worse. like 2day for instance. i got up thismorning and was in tears as usual and my Mother sat there and said oh well just get on with things Beverley. she also know's i'm feeling abit *****al at this time and as usual i am completely ignored by all the family. 2day i'm at boiling point with my so called family as they dont give a crap about how i;m feeling and this saddens me even more as i have nobody to turn to and never really have and if it wasn't for this forum where i can vent some of my anger i dont know where i would be at this time. sorry if i sound like a complete idiot,but this is how i feel!!!! "very angry". any advise would be much appreciated. thankyou. rose-bud-BEVERLEY......
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 10/9/2009 10:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Beverley,

People can come across as cruel when they don't understand something. They don't live in the same depths of pain and suffering that you are experiencing and so they don't have the same context to know how to relate to you in a way you always need them to. My guess is your mom didn't know what to do and so her way of coping was to suggest you just start moving and set aside whatever was bothering you. Of course, it's not that easy when dealing with these conditions, but your mom and others don't understand what they havn't suffered or havn't been properly taught about.

Your mom is probably also from the older generation that was taught to just 'suck it up' and deny a lot of how they felt, put on a happy face etc. So the generation gap could be part of it too.

People don't normally mean to be insensitive. But they sometimes run out of ways to reach out to their loved ones. Have you tried writing your mom a letter and listing some practical things you need in certain situations? Take a tone that is understanding and gentle and reach out to her - tell her you know it must be hard for her to try to understand and to see you suffer, and that you appreciate all she does for you. Then go on to explain that there are some areas where you need support that will meet you where you're at: i.e. "when I'm in tears, I can't just get on with it. In those times, if you could just offer me a tea or just sit with me till I cray out some of my pain that will really help." Or whatevery practical things you can think of that will help you.

My husband is very supportive of me when I am in a not so good place now, but I had to teach him what I needed. I explained how I felt and told him what I needed to hear. I had to tell him that 'preaching' to me in those times didn't help, but offering compassion would etc. Now he is a great support to me because he listened and learned what I needed.

I think though, that our loved ones can never totally fulfill our needs - but we can learn to identify the good they do apart from the ways they let us down which is also helpful. In the end, I think it's not so much the people that don't get it that I'm angry at (although that happens), but that there is so little support at times, and the feeling like "I shouldn't have to suffer like this. SOMEONE out there should know better and be helping me!" So to refocus on the fact that the problem isn't other people so much as the condition itself is something that empowers me because rather than putting it on others to support me I can then look inside and say "Okay, what can I do to gain some ground over this condition today." I'm not saying this is necessarily true in your case, but just something I've been learning and thought I would share it in case it helps in any way.

In the end, I think because mental pain isn't easily identifiable as visible physical disabilities, people can't see it and hence, can't identify with it as easily. It's the same with invisible illnesses like fibromyalgia - people can't 'see' the symptoms and havn't been taught about it, so because it's not obvious, they just don't get it. Hence, they can seem really cruel, but really a lot of the time they are just clued out or don't know how to cope wtih a loved one in pain.

I don't doubt your mom really loves you. She just needs some help to learn how to relate to you in the way you need. I hope you two can find a way to talk honestly and find some good middle ground together.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much and I pray you will feel a bit better soon. It takes a very strong person to cope with the things you do, and you should give yourself a pat on the back for hanging in there. Don't lose heart. Just keep doing your best and know that the world is a better place because you're in it!!!

take good care of you,

manyembers

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/9/2009 10:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Embers,

It is so wonderful to see your post. And your advice is astounding. Perfectly explained. I read this post and was trying to think of a way to explain how I felt. But you seemed to do that well. I love seeing you post here.

Beverly,

You sound more hurt than angry to me. And I understand how you feel. It isn't easy having mental illness. We feel so lousy every day when we are depressed. And like Embers, I think people who don't suffer from it, just don't understand you can't just turn it on and off. You can't just snap out of it. But I liked Embers suggestions and I must say I support them. Also maybe you could get them to educate themselves a little.

Best wishes,

Hgus, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/10/2009 1:47 AM (GMT -7)   
blush  hello this is Beverley and am replying to ur post. i think when i posted i was so angry and yes HURT and i think the way i worded my post was wrong!! i thankyou so very much as what you stated in ur reply to me made perfect sense. i must admit i have tried to tell my mum what i need but to no avail. but as u have stated maybe my mum doesn't know how to deal with my problem's and i really should give her a break!!!! i just get so frustrated because i have nobody to talk to except strangers and that's just not the same to me. i will go with ur advise and see how things pan out for me. thankyou again for your very kind word's. best wishes to you!!!!  Beverley. idea
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18763
   Posted 10/11/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
hi beverly, been in and out of the system for many a year. i am studying in this area, and i am waking people up regarding stigma, cruelty and invalidation practices to people who live with mental illness. been where you are at, so hold your head high, keep spreading the word that mental illness is no different to any other medical condition my friend. sorry for what has been happening to you. here for you. jamie
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 10/11/2009 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again Rosebud,

I understand that even if your mom is trying and does truly care, it still doesn't make it easy for you. You can come here and vent or pour out your heart for support 'just because' you know? Sometimes it just helps to get it out.

I know sometimes we can try many times to communicate something to someone and they still don't get it. That's why maybe if you write it down it might help? My husband usually tells me to write something down if he isn't catching the drift. Don't give up and like I said, when your mom doesn't understand, you can always come to healingwell and lots of folks here will.

take good care of yourself, embers

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/11/2009 8:07 PM (GMT -7)   
thankyou very much to all the people that have replied to my post. If it wasn't for this forum i really dont know what i would do? it just help's to get a few thing's off ur mind when reading other's posts and realizing that i'm not the only person in the world with mental illness. and also everybody is so kind on this forum, as i have been on others and alot of people were very judgmental towards others. again i thankyou all so much. have a great day/night to all!!!!!! beverley.
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18763
   Posted 10/11/2009 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
and you too bev. rose-bud. smurf jamie

Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 10/12/2009 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Why are people so cruel when it comes to mental illness? Because they are ignorant about what it actually involves and they buy into the stereotype of 'one flew over the cuckoos nest' and they often dont know how to act around people with mental health issues. I think its a lack of education on the topic that makes people unpleasant.
 
Hang in there,
 
Maz XX
 Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
" Why does society view illness as weakness?" (Montell Jordan)
 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
-DX:Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Seasonal Depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ, Endometriosis,PCOS, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania,
OCD, GERD, IBS.
-Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Prescription pain meds/anti inflammatories.
-Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
-Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14.
 
 


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18763
   Posted 10/12/2009 6:59 PM (GMT -7)   
exactly maz!!! well put. i use one flew a lot, and that was a long time ago. my favouite all time movie, along with duel. have a good day. jamie :-)

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/14/2009 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   
turn hello to all hope ur all doing well?? Just a thankyou to those lovely people that posted a reply to me regarding my issues at this time. I am going to try the gel first!!! hooray..... lol Gotta go to bed now but aggain thankyou all!!! beverley-rose-bud40 smurf
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18763
   Posted 10/14/2009 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
best of luck. jamie smilewinkgrin

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/15/2009 2:10 AM (GMT -7)   
turn hey Jamiee how r u???? hope all is well for u?? just another thankyou 4 ur reply. There are some very kind people on this forum and i again thankyou very much!!!!!! tongue Beverely-rose-bud40......... p.s. i'm in a good mood 2day!!!!!! hehe lol..... sorry just abit "MANIC".
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 10/15/2009 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Rosebud, Glad you are feeling better.  I know exactly what you mean.  I have co-workers who are aware that I have anxiety/depression issues and they tell me everyday how weirde I am.  cry It really hurts my feelings.  I also try to put on the good front, do my job and be equally nice to everyone.  Unfortunately I do not get treated the same way.  They are of the mind set that you can "help it" or Just "get over it" by sheer will power.  No one ever invites me to lunch and I am always the last to know what is going on in the office.  I have learned to accept it and try not to let it bother me.
 
Vent anytime, the people here are awsome and understand your feelings.  Also, their insight is so helpful and yes Jamiee is my Hero!
 
Gem tongue

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 10/15/2009 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Rosebud,

I am glad that you are feeling good today. Even if you are a little manic. Know that you are understood here. Keep posting and continue to have a good day!

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Learning2fly
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 10/15/2009 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Rosebud! I'm so glad you are feeling better today. Even if it is a bit of mania. The lift from that sometimes helps when you come down. Just keep on looking ahead to better times. They are there. It just takes a lot of patience and trial and error to find the right stuff! tongue   I've been fooling around with all this stuff for more years than I care to count and still haven't found my magic potion. But, I know it's there somewhere. And science is pushing ahead again so maybe something will come along tomorrow that could solve my problems.

In reply to your OP, people are just plain cruel and mean when they don't understand things. You have 2 choices; educate or ignore them. I can guarantee you that if any of them had been through what you have medically, they'd be in a far worse mental state than you are. You are one tough lady to make it through all of that and not only survive, but really want to live! I tip my hat to you. Use a bit of that same toughness with the folks that are cruel to you. Just ignore them. It used to hurt me, but it doesn't bother me anymore. When people say something derogatory about my mental state, I usually look them right in the eye and tell them, "Yes, I am crazy and I have papers to prove it!". That generally shuts them up fairly quickly. If they start asking a lot of questions (and I'm not referring to the people who are really trying to understand), I ask them why they want to know. Then I toss is a little comment like, "Are you afraid you're going off the deep end too?" We are who and what we are. I've long ago accepted this is my life. So, I fool around with other people's heads sometimes when they are asking for it. I never get mean, but I turn it back on them whenever I have the opportunity. It really makes them think twice about how they are treating you and they become a lot nicer to deal with afterwards. The point is to make them think, not to be evil or mean.  


VIEW IMAGE
 
Major depression; Bipolar Disorder; Fibromyalgia; Spinal Stenosis; right arm and leg nerve compression; cataracts; glaucoma; IBS; RLS; hypothyroidism; B12 deficiency ... that's enough or I'll get more depressed.


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/16/2009 2:04 AM (GMT -7)   
hello Learning2fly how are you?? i hope you are well, or as well as can be? just a THANKYOU for ur reply to me. What you said made perfect sense to me and i know that i have to start standing up for myself or everyone in my life are just going to continue to control and belittle me and that is not going to happen anymore! I'm going to hold my head high and if people dont like that i have issues then as u say "that's there problem not mine". Again I truly value other people's insights on this forum as they all understand. Be kind to ur self and stay well!! thankyou.thankyou.......... beverley-rose-bud40 :))))))
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/16/2009 2:08 AM (GMT -7)   
tongue  hello Jamiee hope ur well to??? just another thanyou to you to and yes ur an awesome guy!!!! Dont ever change mate. I dont know you but i know in my heart that your a really good person!! take care of U!!
until next time..... beverley-rose-bud40 turn
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18763
   Posted 10/16/2009 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
rose-bud. YEAH TO YOU!! thx 4 the kind words rose-bud and precious. you guys rock!!!!!!! smiley faces all round!! :-)
tongue   tongue tongue smilewinkgrin jamie.

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/16/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
tongue  hey Jamiee just letting u know that your'e very welcome!!!! And yes u do rock!! Keep up the good work ur doing on this forum ok. :))))
P.s. "dont ever change".......   bye for now. beverley. turn
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


OnTheRocks
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 117
   Posted 10/16/2009 5:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I find that people try their best to be supportive, but they can only do so much. Having not experienced such problems themselves, that find it hard to empathize. People with mental illnesses (especially depression, anxiety, etc.) demand so much but are not physically or emotionally able to return the favor. Seeing a family member or friend "down" or sick all the time is burdensome and difficult to deal with. While everyone wants sympathy, love, etc. you can't forget that the people you demand those things from also need some themselves.

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/16/2009 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
hi Gcoin just a thankyou for ur reply to me. I absolutely agree with what you are saying to me. Its just lately i'm feeling very emotional and if anyone say's the wrong thing or even look's at me the wrong way i get upset and cry?? "SOOK". I know i sound like a spoilt 2yr old but it's very hard to take such horrible criticism and hard when certain family members know excactly how to push ur buttons when ur down and out!!!! thankyou again and hope ur doing good. beverley. :))))
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18763
   Posted 10/17/2009 4:58 AM (GMT -7)   
the thing i have noticed with families is that they want the best for you and advise albeit they have not been educated correctly of how to do it right!! this is the crux of this problem, they tell you in a uninformative and stigmatised manner of how to get right, but they do not realize the levels of criticism expressed is severely invalidating. just my 2 cents worth. jamie thx 4 your kind words beverly. jamie
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