Not sure if this is depression

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Darko79
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/10/2009 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   
On and off in my adult life I have recalled feelings of sadness at times but it never lasted. Lately, I have a lot of things going really great for me. My job is going well. My girlfriend is amazing. She loves me and I feel so comfortable in front of her. But I feel a certain darkness. Just a certain inability to connect. I live this "normal" life but in my own head, I feel so insecure, so scared. I have so much anxiety and lately I feel differently a lot more than I ever did. I don't feel like killing myself or anything like that. I just feel like no one really is there in the end. People have all of these things around them an these people around them but how permanent is it? I don't have anything important to give back to anyone. I don't even know why people would want to be my friend. I offer nothing of substantial value to anything. Lately I'd rather stay in my apartment or sleep than hang out with friends. I am becoming more tired all of the time. I love my work, but the thought of going to work is dreadful sometimes. I love my girlfriend, but I am constantly wondering when it is going to end. I see all of my peers at work connecting and hanging out after work and I want none of it...or sometimes I do, but I know I just come off awkwardly in front of people because deep down I don't want a connection. I feel like I can't connect. I have nothing to say because lately nothing interests me at all.

I started doing things by myself a lot more. This was easier. I don't have to entertain anyone, I don't have to talk. I don't have to get my feelings hurt because if I am alone it's impossible for someone not to like me. It's impossible for anyone to think I am an idiot if I am alone. So I go have some beers at a bar. I walk around the city. I see all of these people talking and I wish it was me. This conflict is hard for me to grasp. I want something but I don't want something. I want to change but I don't want to do anything.

I'm not sure what I am feeling but I don't really like myself. I have been taking more risks lately too. Drinking and driving. Looking at other girls even though I would never want to break up with my girlfriend. I feel like an evil side is coming out of me and I don't want to be this person.

What is this that I am going through? Why can't I just feel normal and want to be a part of anything?

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 10/10/2009 6:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Darko79 said...
 Lately I'd rather stay in my apartment or sleep than hang out with friends. I am becoming more tired all of the time. I love my work, but the thought of going to work is dreadful sometimes. I love my girlfriend, but I am constantly wondering when it is going to end. I see all of my peers at work connecting and hanging out after work and I want none of it...or sometimes I do, but I know I just come off awkwardly in front of people because deep down I don't want a connection. I feel like I can't connect. I have nothing to say because lately nothing interests me at all.
 
I understand EXACTLY what you said in the above passage. I feel the same way all the time. I do suffer from depression and a number of other things. Mine however goes like this: I love college, but the thought of going is dreadful. I love my girlfriend, but I am constantly wondering when its going to end. I see everyone at school connecting and making friends and having fun and I dont want to be involved. I get sad thinking about it, but I always seem to be awkward in front of people when I try to connect. I cant connect to people at all. Even my girlfriend I recently started dating. I know how much she cares for me, but I cant seem to feel anything. And I cant do anything because I have no idea if its just my mental state or what... I rarely talk because I just observe things around me and people etc.... I feel I dont have anything important to say.
 
As you can tell, you are NOT alone. You may want to talk to your doctor or a counselor/therapist. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and take 3 different meds... (keep in mind I also have mulitiple disorders) So, Im not saying you need all of that.. Im only giving you an example. You should at least see someone and talk about how you are feeling. And see what happens form there.
 
I do hope that you get to feeling "normal" again.. I know how that is... I never feel I am normal.. but Im sure you are very capable of it and that you will work things out. Best of luck to you and keep us posted, take care
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin  Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40575
   Posted 10/10/2009 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Darko79,

It sounds like you are not alone in this. I think we all get this feeling at times and want things that we can't have, and take risks. But as Christi said, you should talk to somebody about this. Because there are things that can help you. You have things good right now, don't let your feelings cause you to mess it up.

Keep posting and know that we are here for you.

Take care, be careful.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18751
   Posted 10/11/2009 7:28 PM (GMT -7)   
keep well and safe. therapy really helps, as is being regular with your primary doc. here for you. with compassion jamie
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder
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